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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shouldn't have got married

155 replies

MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 19:05

6 months in and we have hit our first hurdle.

My husband's friend - our best man - saved a photo of my wedding to his phone and sent it on a group chat which involved my husband. It was a photo of my brother. I saw it and wanted to know why my brothers photo was on his phone. He made excuses but in the end showed it to me. The group of them were calling my brother offensive names and having a right old laugh at his expense.

My brother has never done anything to any of these people. He lives 8 hours away from us. He is kind and we are close. Me and my husband love him alot and the abuse is completely uncalled for.

My husband told them to stop. His text to them read 'lads, not funny that's my brother in law and I'm going to cop it big time now'

I said his message wasn't good enough. I'm hurt and feeling rather distressed that my wedding photos have been used to mock my innocent family member.

My husband decided in amongst all this to go out with them all tonight to celebrate our best mans birthday. I asked him to give this night out a miss because I am so upset with them all (I was supposed to be going too) I asked him to stay with me this once but he went knowing how distraught I am. He also told me he wouldn't bring it up with them again and that I couldn't say anything to them.

I feel really let down. I'm so sad. He has shown them more importance than me all for a few beers.

I've had 2 glasses of wine so I may not have explained this well...

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 07/10/2017 20:36

It is obvious that this incident has really made you doubt your husband's values, and also your relationship with him. For good reason - I would feel exactly the same way. His friends - including his best friend - have been cruelly ridiculing your brother, whom you love, and your husband has neither defended him or you properly. You are faced with the choice of explaining his behaviour as a) actually agreeing with his friends, which is horrible or b) not agreeing but siding with them rather than you on the issue, due to weakness or feeling some ambivalence on the issue.

If he knows how much your brother means to you, then it is an act of gross disloyalty not to defend him to the hilt against those abusing him. This includes refusing to join in nights-out with that crowd. If he actually has sympathy for their views - that it ok to mock and belittle someone online for nothing more than their looks, then he is no better than they are and you have discovered something very unpleasant in his nature.

I would have a very serious talk with him asap and tell him how shocked and disappointed in him you are. I know personally that I couldn't continue to love someone who would either hold these views or turn a blind eye to online bullying of a member of my family. Maybe hearing some serious truths from you will make a difference. He needs to lose this best friend and make some - much nicer - new ones.

WhooooAmI24601 · 07/10/2017 20:37

He hasn't really shown any loyalty towards me.

Nope. He hasn't. He's unlikely to change; six month in things should still be pretty bloody lovely.

I second the PP who suggested not being there when he returns. A note stating the facts; that his behaviour is revolting and you've no intention of coming second in a marriage to a disgusting man child who feels compelled to question the sexual preferences of a child. That his disloyal behaviour isn't something you'll tolerate.

mummmy2017 · 07/10/2017 20:42

This is all about I.
Your feeling hurt and just thinking about how you feel.
Your husband, wanted to go and see his friends, and men don't see things as we do, he thought you would be Ok as he has asked them to stop, and yes he could have stayed with you today, but thought it wasn't as big a deal as you feel it is.
To make such an issue out of him not showing you loyalty over what isn't such a big deal, sorry but no one is ill, hurt or going to die, your brother doesn't even know about the issue, so your feeling hurt on your brother's behalf and borrowing feelings that don't even exist.
Your wedding was a nice one, you enjoyed the day, so accept it happened and maybe next time there is an issue, go out and tell the men your not happy they did X and please don't do it again, take control of your life, and then let issues drop, brooding on issues will always mean you over think it.
Treat yourself to a hot bubble bath and move forward.

mummmy2017 · 07/10/2017 20:48

How on earth are any of you helping this newly married couple by telling her to LEAVE home for the night and then she has to deal with someone having to make a grand gesture to repair this issue.
Do you want to have to come back tomorrow with this argument your husband doesn't even know about suddenly enlarged to the proportions of him feeling he can never go out if you tell him he can't, and resenting you for being controlling of his evenings...
Sometimes you have to remember MN isn't always right.

LIZS · 07/10/2017 20:48

How nasty and juvenile on all their parts. Did he send his response before or after you saw it? I'm not sure it is a dealbreaker but it seems that friendship group is pretty toxic.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 20:51

It's hard when he's not willing to support you. Mummy don't undeniable op feelings, they are perfectly valid, she has every right be be upset about her husband and his mates, being nasty and bullying towards her brother. It would personally make me think that bit less of him tbh.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 20:53

Undermine

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 20:55

Please mummy don't tar every man with the same brush, as not all men think this way. DH certainly worth not, nor his friends.

CocoaIsGone · 07/10/2017 20:57

In answering my question about what you would have done had you not been married, you said you would not have had the best man involved. This suggests that your main issue is with the best man. The best man being the person who started vulgar discussion about your brother.

You don’t need to have a friendship with this man, which you have shown by not going out tonight. You could go a step further and let best man know that you are upset with the disregard he has shown a member of your family, having been best man at your wedding. That puts the ball firmly in his court to man up and apologise.

Your husband clearly does want to maintain the friendship. That is his prerogative. He may well discuss matters further with the best man in person, he may not. You cannot make him do this.

But the line in the sand for me would be that he cannot tell you what to say to anyone and he should not be calling you mentally unstable for being justifiably upset.

I think I would put these points to him. Not because I think you should end a new marriage, but because what happens now sets the tone going forward. You have the right to express emotion without being called unstable, and you have the right to know that members of your family will not be bullied with no consequences, and that you can stand up for those being bullied as and when you wish to.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2017 21:01

What Cocoals wrote in its entirety.

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 21:02

He is aware we are in an argument. I told him I was feeling completely let down by him going when I was so upset and needed him to stand by me on this occasion. He told me I was having a breakdown.

He sent the response before I saw it. He just happened to be scrolling on the group chat while I was laying on his chest. My brothers picture caught my attention.

I'm feeling a little calmer now. 4 glasses of wine will do that!!

I'm really not too sure that to do. Obviously I don't want to give up on my marriage I love my husband so much he has never let me down before I think I'm just finding this situation a little stressful. I've always been very protective of my siblings, they are my world and even though my brother doesn't know anything about this I hurt for him. That sounds silly but that's how I feel.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2017 21:09

Bullies put others down to make their own pathetic selves feel better.
I would suggest you talk with this best man directly rather than get your bystander of a H with his mixed up sense of loyalty and priorities here to do this for you.

Just because its online does not mean it does not matter as much or hurts any less to find out that your best man and his cohort are not as they seem.

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 21:11

Thank you cocoals. Thank you to all of you actually that have said my upset it justified.

I'm upset at both the best man for starting it and my husband for leaving me today.

My husband has just text me to say he has spoken to the best man and apparently he is mortified and will be getting in touch with me.

I'm disappointed that husband has blamed my upset on my mental state, I genuinely think he feels guilty and tried clutching at straws but at the same time I don't want to make excuses for him and will discuss this with him when I see him tomorrow.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 07/10/2017 21:16

I wonder if your feelings of being protective of your brother are at the root of this.
You say your husband asked them to stop before you even saw the picture, so he was being loyal to you, and did try to stop it.
I think the fact it was a Birthday might be the reason your husband went, and that since your marriage is still new, you both still have to find the middle ground about about the others feelings..
AS someone said not all men react in the same way, but this isn't an issue where you even need to think about leaving him, it's just a case of telling him that you were a bit hurt he left you and explain about your hurt on your brothers behalf. You can also tell him you find the chat childish, but since it's his friends I don't think you will find he leaves the group, and sometimes you have to give a little on things you don't like, in order to keep a happy marriage. That's why you go on honeymoon to find a way to grow together as a couple. taking a bit from here and there..

mumside · 07/10/2017 21:20

I think us mums have to remember that guys love to banter and play around and a lot of the time they don't mean it. Maybe he shouldn't have been hiding this from you but he, like us all, is just a monkey in a shirt and is not immune from making mistakes. You're going to have problems in your relationships but you have to work through them - No relationship is perfect!

nauticant · 07/10/2017 21:21

If you take one thing from this thread OP, it would be to ignore the witless idiots saying you should accept this as just being the this kind of thing men do or it's only bants.

Peaches77 · 07/10/2017 21:22

I would text best man right now and tell him what a dick I think he is. You owe him nothing and he obviously didn't care when he mocked your brother for no reason. Let your h see you will not be walked over

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2017 21:27

"You can also tell him you find the chat childish, but since it's his friends I don't think you will find he leaves the group, and sometimes you have to give a little on things you don't like, in order to keep a happy marriage".

Really?. Well balls to that, may as well just give up now and be a complete doormat if that is the case.

The chat was more than just mere childishness; it was actively insulting another person online. Its bullying behaviour. This person just happened to be the OPs brother. How would you have reacted if the best man had put up your sibling's photo and then went onto insult him/her via a group chat talking about what he or she must like sexually?. You would not have liked it one bit either.

nauticant · 07/10/2017 21:28

Don't send a text to the best man now OP. You are upset, you've had some wine, and you might be drawn into a text discussion that would go who knows where. Get in touch by all means but do it with a clear head having slept on the problem.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2017 21:29

There is an extremely fine line between so called banter and bullying as anyone on the receiving end of such behaviour would tell you.

And what nauticant wrote as well.

Regularsizedrudy · 07/10/2017 21:30

Uhhhh all these "it's just bants" chumps need to raise there standards. Seriously tolerating this kind of shit doesn't make you worldly wise or some kind of peace maker. It makes you a fucking mug.
As for the OP I can totally see why this has hurt your so much. He has shown himself to be utterly spineless. I think you need to talk with him and lay it all out. He can't tell you what you can and can't say, it's not acceptable for him to call you crazy when your opinion differs from his and most of all he needs to grow a back bone and grow up!

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 21:32

Thank you ladies. I am going to sleep on it and won't be doing anything tonight because I do feel emotional. He will also be drunk since he is out for his birthday so it's not the right time.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2017 21:32

No to any text discussions tonight; this is too serious anyway to be discussed via text in any case. Would also suggest you sleep on it.

I would also want a hand written apology from the best man as well as a verbal apology.

HalloweenStar · 07/10/2017 21:39

Just wanted to offer you some solidarity OP

JamdaniSari · 07/10/2017 21:40

I'd be far more annoyed about him taking part in the regular vulgar naked ladies chat. He obviously thinks it's fine.

This. People need to stop allowing pathetic, immature, disrespectful behaviour as "just lads being lads" or "banter".

The friends people have say a lot about the individual.

Your husband really needed to put his foot down. The least he could have done was to have left the silly group.

You're not being unreasonable at all x