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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shouldn't have got married

155 replies

MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 19:05

6 months in and we have hit our first hurdle.

My husband's friend - our best man - saved a photo of my wedding to his phone and sent it on a group chat which involved my husband. It was a photo of my brother. I saw it and wanted to know why my brothers photo was on his phone. He made excuses but in the end showed it to me. The group of them were calling my brother offensive names and having a right old laugh at his expense.

My brother has never done anything to any of these people. He lives 8 hours away from us. He is kind and we are close. Me and my husband love him alot and the abuse is completely uncalled for.

My husband told them to stop. His text to them read 'lads, not funny that's my brother in law and I'm going to cop it big time now'

I said his message wasn't good enough. I'm hurt and feeling rather distressed that my wedding photos have been used to mock my innocent family member.

My husband decided in amongst all this to go out with them all tonight to celebrate our best mans birthday. I asked him to give this night out a miss because I am so upset with them all (I was supposed to be going too) I asked him to stay with me this once but he went knowing how distraught I am. He also told me he wouldn't bring it up with them again and that I couldn't say anything to them.

I feel really let down. I'm so sad. He has shown them more importance than me all for a few beers.

I've had 2 glasses of wine so I may not have explained this well...

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/10/2017 19:59

They send each other pics of naked women? Have you married a 17yr old?

Hermagsjesty · 07/10/2017 20:01

I would be fuming at his friends - what a bunch of childish wankers. I’d also be angry and upset at the use of “I’m going to cop it now” - I hate that dynamic where a man sets himself up as some kind of naughty schoolchild, to be kept in line by his wife. I absolutely don’t feel like you’re overreacting. Tell your husband (firmly) now how you feel - if you can, try to stay calm so he doesn’t dismiss you as over emotional. Your brother is part of his family too now and he should be behaving as such.

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 20:01

It seems that way doesn't it. Apparently I'm 'having a breakdown' because I'm so upset by this.

I'm at a loss....i really am?!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 20:02

I meant !! There's no question mark about it!!

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2017 20:03

* It's a stupid group chat where they send each other gross pictures or pictures of naked women so it seems after scrolling through some of it. They laugh and make vulgar remarks.*

That makes it worse, not better. I’d hazard a guess that they behave like that out, too...

Judge a man by the company he keeps.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 20:05

Exactly, he is just as participant as they are, and seems to supporting this disgusting behaviour. The fact that he is still in the group chat. He sounds just as band asthem, him unsupporting you is a Biggie. Your brother is another innocent person to unleash their vulgarity on.

onefortheroadplease · 07/10/2017 20:06

Complete over reaction, it sounds like it’s just bants

Shayelle · 07/10/2017 20:06

Not surprised you're upset. Thats treacherous, spiteful behaviour. It would turn me very evil....

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 20:06

Ive honestly tried to explain. I sat down with him and calmly told him. He said he understood but told me its done with now and that I had to move on. I did try to move on (I saw it on wednesday) but when he asked about going out tonight I said i just didn't feel ready to see him. I'd be likely to say something and didn't feel on his birthday it would be right.

I said i thought we should stay home and after his night out tell him why we stayed home and make him see that things like that aren't acceptable.

But he went.

OP posts:
scrabbler3 · 07/10/2017 20:10

They sound like a childish bunch. I understand why you're upset.

CocoaIsGone · 07/10/2017 20:10

To be honest, him suggesting you are mentally unstable because you are upset about this (legitimately) is a red flag to me. That is a way to silence you.

I am guessing you don’t have DC yet. You need to be on the same page before you bring children into the equation.

Shayelle · 07/10/2017 20:10

He doesnt get to tell you how you should feel or what you need to do now.
For me this would be a complete breach of trust as its so nasty... you need to decide what to do from here. Seems like hes going to try and brush it under the carpet. What a nasty disloyal person. Flowers for you!

Shayelle · 07/10/2017 20:11

What Cocoals gone said!!!!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2017 20:11

make him see that things like that aren't acceptable.

That would make your husband a huge hypocrite. He usually finds it fine; he’s only disagreed (mildly, and using you as an excuse!) this time because it’s your brother and it’s using a photo from your wedding. And I’d bet that if you hadn’t seen the picture, he wouldn’t have complained at all.

He can’t say this isn’t acceptable; he does it. He can’t stay home to show them he won’t tolerate it, because he’s usually involved.

cece · 07/10/2017 20:13

This is important.

He has chosen his friends before his wife. What would I do?

I wouldn't be home when he gets home later and I'd make it very clear why.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 20:15

The fact he associates with this bunch of imbeciles is off putting, he supports them over you, and has the audacity to call you mentally unstable, and that you are having a breakdown. Trying to shift the problem to you, and you being the problem. YOu know where his alligency lies. I would be thinking very carefully about having kids with a man like this. A couple of behaviour signals red flags.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/10/2017 20:15

I'd be far more annoyed about him taking part in the regular vulgar naked ladies chat. He obviously thinks it's fine.

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 20:16

What do I do though? I mean really? I don't even know what to do. I don't want to see him. I'm going to work tomorrow so won't see him until tomorrow night.

We don't have any dc and at the moment have no plans for any....its the last thing on my mind right now!

OP posts:
cresit · 07/10/2017 20:17

It's about basic respect really, him and his mates don't have any.

They're just yobs.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 20:17

No don't, don't have children with this man unless he dramatically changes and drops those 'friends'

Shayelle · 07/10/2017 20:21

Disappear for a bit. Til you feel ready to talk. Have you got parents or siblings you could go to?
If it was me id rock up where the bastards were and give them some fire and fury about their behaviour as id be so pissed, mocking and being abusive about a loved family member of mine.. but granted thats probably not the best way forward 😉

CocoaIsGone · 07/10/2017 20:23

I think you probably need to talk to someone in real life. I am not sure anyone on here can tell you what to do, only that you are not overreacting and you are not having a breakdown because you are upset.

My comment about DC was mainly because you have more options if you don’t have DC to also think about.

What would you do if it happened and you were not married/ what would you have done if it happened before you got married, say at your engagement party?

mummmy2017 · 07/10/2017 20:23

Your obsessing over things.
OK deep breath, and accept you can't change today, and do you really want a row when your husband comes home.
You need to sort ways of dealing with upsets in a better way, as your marriage is so young, and you want it grow to be strong and happy.
Ask your husband if he got the picture deleted, if he says no as him if it is still being commented on. I think you will find without being commented on it has been dropped.
Then decide if his friends are as bad as you think, if your husband stops going out with this group does this mean he will be friendless and unhappy, and are you willing to accept him resenting you for this.
Also if he doesn't like some of your friends, does this mean you will accept he wants you to stop going out with them, and how would you feel about this.
You have to reach a place that works both ways.

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 20:31

I don't want him to never go out / never see his friends again and I have never suggested that. I may not approve of their childish antics but at the same time I'm aware I can't control what goes on in a group chat of 6 grown men.

I just wanted support from him tonight.

I'm not too sure what I would have done if we weren't married. I 100% wouldn't have stood at the alter with our best man! I wouldn't have allowed him to be involved had this of happened before our wedding.

I don't want to argue with him. I want our marriage to work but this is hard for me. He hasn't really shown any loyalty towards me.

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 07/10/2017 20:34

massive over-reaction on your part re not getting married - surely you took your vows a bit more seriously to actually believe that you should have not got married because of this?

Agree that he should have stayed in with your today, and yes, i would be annoyed if my husband was talking about my brother in an awful way. Flowers

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