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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shouldn't have got married

155 replies

MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 19:05

6 months in and we have hit our first hurdle.

My husband's friend - our best man - saved a photo of my wedding to his phone and sent it on a group chat which involved my husband. It was a photo of my brother. I saw it and wanted to know why my brothers photo was on his phone. He made excuses but in the end showed it to me. The group of them were calling my brother offensive names and having a right old laugh at his expense.

My brother has never done anything to any of these people. He lives 8 hours away from us. He is kind and we are close. Me and my husband love him alot and the abuse is completely uncalled for.

My husband told them to stop. His text to them read 'lads, not funny that's my brother in law and I'm going to cop it big time now'

I said his message wasn't good enough. I'm hurt and feeling rather distressed that my wedding photos have been used to mock my innocent family member.

My husband decided in amongst all this to go out with them all tonight to celebrate our best mans birthday. I asked him to give this night out a miss because I am so upset with them all (I was supposed to be going too) I asked him to stay with me this once but he went knowing how distraught I am. He also told me he wouldn't bring it up with them again and that I couldn't say anything to them.

I feel really let down. I'm so sad. He has shown them more importance than me all for a few beers.

I've had 2 glasses of wine so I may not have explained this well...

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 07/10/2017 21:43

well your husband hasn't done anything wrong, he cant control others opinions, neither can you.

tsarista · 07/10/2017 21:43

As a very loyal person I would be gutted if this were my brother :(

I'd be very disappointed with DH but I wouldn't leave him over it!

See what happens.

Anymore suggestions if mental instability would make me question the DHs maturity / desire to control me. Actually I would be just as livid about this suggestion...

Give it a few days and don't do anything drastic. Don't take any more shit from the boys...

nauticant · 07/10/2017 21:45

If you're thinking about seeking a response from the best man, I'd do it in a way that puts it very much in his court.

I'd ask him (and preferably not face to face) to put himself in your shoes and for him to find out that a much loved family member (mother, sister, whatever) was having their sexual nature being speculated over in a prurient and cruel way for a laugh by people who'd been pleasant to their face the other month.

I'd ask him what kind of response he'd consider acceptable from the piss-takers. I'd say I'd like his response in writing.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2017 21:47

You haven't overreacted. Your husband is being a weak and disloyal prick.

And that group thread sounds misogynistic too. Male entitlement to objectify women. Hideous group unthink where they guffaw over the (virtual) bullying of a quiet, sensitive man - presumably he's a 'joke' because he's not a walking stereotype of a 'lad' Angry

I wouldn't be able to look at my husband in the same way again if he reacted that weakly and then scurried off to meet them.

You have seen something new in your husband. It takes years to get to know someone.

radiosignal · 07/10/2017 21:48

Your husband's friends sound really unpleasant and immature. Why on earth would he want to be friends with people like this? I would be absolutely livid with them if I were you. You need to speak to them personally about how you feel and to be honest if i were you I wouldn't want to see them again. Your husband needs to decide what sort of friends to have - he ought to be disgusted himself.

eggsandwich · 07/10/2017 21:51

I would say to him that this marriage has got off to a great start, the first issue and there is no sign of loyalty or putting on a united front with you, he’s fallen at the first hurdle.

I’m afraid you obviously come way down on the pecking order in his book this doesn’t look good for any future show of support and I’m afraid I’d be very cool with him so he gets the message loud and clear, and also I’d be making it quite clear that if I want to say something to those who are making derogatory remarks about my brother I bloody well will!!

nauticant · 07/10/2017 21:52

Why on earth would he want to be friends with people like this?

Probably because they're people like him.

mumside · 07/10/2017 21:56

There is a line between banter and bullying. Teasing and fun making is part of banter culture! If one of the boys does it in front of your brother, then it is bullying. If your brother has really done nothing wrong, then I'm sure none of your husbands friends really mean what they are saying, they are being edgy and playful. Dads are just lads - you can take the Dad out of the lads, but you can never take the lad out of the Dad. Ask him if he has any genuine problem with your brother, and if he does, you can talk about it. If he doesn't, then ask him not to be so mean about him in future. But you can't hold him responsible for what the boys say!

CocoaIsGone · 07/10/2017 22:03

‘You can take the Dad out of the lads, but you can never take the lad out of the Dad’

Hmm talk about setting the bar low...

Regularsizedrudy · 07/10/2017 22:03

Oh fuck off mumside. He is responsible for how he reacts to their shitty behaviour, and he reacted like a spineless bellend. Just because you might tolerate men acting like morons don't expect everyone else to.

cresit · 07/10/2017 22:08

mumside that's goggledegook. What have dads got to do with anything?

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2017 22:09

And the 'Handmaiden of the Patriarchy 2017' award goes to....mumside!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2017 22:12

I think they meant every word of what was written on that group chat; they were not simply being "edgy and playful" here. They were actively insulting another person by questioning what they liked sexually. This "boys will be boys" mentality that some women use is a poor excuse for poor behaviour.

Your boundaries are so low as to be almost non-existent. Its as if you expect to come across such hatefulness or prejudice to be simply part and parcel of everyday life and so must be endured or even worse tolerated.

People say 'ah it's only a joke', but there are plenty of jokes that don't involve prejudice." What some people regard as "just banter" is not considered so funny by others.

nauticant · 07/10/2017 22:13

There is a line between banter and bullying. Teasing and fun making is part of banter culture!

It is amazing that anyone, having read what the OP has posted, would even consider writing such witless drivel.

This is the stupidest thing I've read on mumsnet in the past week. (Although to withhold the crown from mumside for the moment, I'd expect there's more stupid stuff out there.)

Chaos777 · 07/10/2017 22:13

Your DH is part of a group of immature males who find it amusing to send pictures of naked women & being crude and offensive for no reason. Yes, I would judge him by his friends if I met him. We ARE judged by the company we keep.

My guess is he is now back-pedalling like Hell to placate you, because he doesn't want any unpleasantness back home. He has already labelled you mentally unstable, and that will be used about you on every such occasion in the future. He & his best man will be finding a way to make it seem that you are being unreasonable. Just bants, a bit of fun, no harm done, etc.

I would certainly be blocking these men from social media. They wouldn't get the chance to lift more photos to mock. They would not be invited to any family occasions in the future, such as christenings or birthdays.

Finally, I would tell my husband that I expected his unwavering support in the future, and that I held him to higher standards than he currently showed; and that I had lost respect for him as a result of his behaviour.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 22:21

Atricious someone with sense at last. I am shocked at the number of people minimising and excluding this disgusting behaviour. I would think very low of a man who did that and supported tgat. They are thoroughly nasty individuals making fun of this poor man, just because he is not loud and cocky like them. They sound throughly unpleasent and immature, shame on yiur dh for siding with them, and being part of that misogenistic behaviour.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 22:24

I woukd not put it passed him to rib the piss out of you, to his mates, or to be party to that! Especially calling you mentally unstable, and having a breakdown, because you seared challenge his mates stupid and immature behaviour. Shows where his loyalties lie.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2017 22:33

Agree, Aeroflotgirl.

Calling you mentally unstable, saying you're having a breakdown?

You cannot trust him.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 22:38

Actually op dh can control their opinions by getting some balls, and saying "hey, do not speak about my BIL like that, I will not have it! If I hear that again, I will be leaving this chat group and not having much to do with the lot of you! The fact he's part of this vulgar chat group, says it all. Bet he did not want you to find that out, before you married!

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2017 22:39

I seriously cannot stand men like yiur dh friends and him. They are all that's wrong with this stupid "lads culture".

mumside · 07/10/2017 23:10

hey mums it's not that bad! Yes, he could have told them to stop talking about her brother like that, but most likely he was involved just as much in the banter as they were! You have to realise just because they banter doesn't mean they actually dislike him!!

PickAChew · 07/10/2017 23:15

You're not overreacting, btw, despite what the marriage is sacrosanct crowd are trying to say.

Re-iterating that I don't believe in "banter". "banter" is a cop out catch all for assholish.

Sarahface · 07/10/2017 23:50

Mumside- have you been on something? I know I wouldn't disrespect and deliberately make fun out of someone I liked behind their back. It's not banter at all, it's bullying. Especially when the brother can't answer back himself. It's crude and it's vile. Come back and tell me it's banter when a group of males are guessing what you like sexually!

LuckLuckLUCK · 08/10/2017 00:04

us mums

Confused
MinervaSaidThar · 08/10/2017 00:37

mumside you have no idea how bad it was.

What if they were making homophobic comments? Is that just bants?