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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shouldn't have got married

155 replies

MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 19:05

6 months in and we have hit our first hurdle.

My husband's friend - our best man - saved a photo of my wedding to his phone and sent it on a group chat which involved my husband. It was a photo of my brother. I saw it and wanted to know why my brothers photo was on his phone. He made excuses but in the end showed it to me. The group of them were calling my brother offensive names and having a right old laugh at his expense.

My brother has never done anything to any of these people. He lives 8 hours away from us. He is kind and we are close. Me and my husband love him alot and the abuse is completely uncalled for.

My husband told them to stop. His text to them read 'lads, not funny that's my brother in law and I'm going to cop it big time now'

I said his message wasn't good enough. I'm hurt and feeling rather distressed that my wedding photos have been used to mock my innocent family member.

My husband decided in amongst all this to go out with them all tonight to celebrate our best mans birthday. I asked him to give this night out a miss because I am so upset with them all (I was supposed to be going too) I asked him to stay with me this once but he went knowing how distraught I am. He also told me he wouldn't bring it up with them again and that I couldn't say anything to them.

I feel really let down. I'm so sad. He has shown them more importance than me all for a few beers.

I've had 2 glasses of wine so I may not have explained this well...

OP posts:
mumside · 08/10/2017 00:55

Hey mums I'm not condoning the behaviour or saying what he did wasn't wrong, but I don't think it's as serious as you are all making out. They were having fun being edgy!

Isetan · 08/10/2017 01:01

Mortified my arse, rather he's been told to make the right noises so your H doesn't 'cop' more of it.

Where do you go from here, I don't know but it has revealed a side to your H and his vile friends that you can't un know. In the context of the other parts of the group chat, I wouldn't want the 'best' man in the same post code as me ever again. Don't let your H pressure you to make nice, unlike him, you have standards and standing by while someone you love gets crapped on is a depth that you won't sink to.

Mrskeats · 08/10/2017 01:07

This term banter needs to stop being used to cover up horrible, bullying behaviour.
And as for the sharing of nudes. I couldn’t respect a man who participated in that.
Op I get why you are so upset.

MyLittleDragon · 08/10/2017 01:08

How old are is your dh and his friends?

This sounds so immature of them all. He has to be under 23 surely?? 25 maximum?

Mrskeats · 08/10/2017 01:09

Being edgy!!! Get a fucking grip (and possibly a dictionary to look up what that word means) mums

ForeverLivingMyArse · 08/10/2017 01:22

That's (mumside) the ops husband and mates being all edgy and fun.

CocoaIsGone · 08/10/2017 07:24

Edgy = experimental, avant garde, diversely cool (or ridiculous without realising)

Objectification (of women) = treating a person as an object or commodity without regard to their dignity or feelings

Cyber bullying - can include sharing photos on line and denigrating a person, scroll down the link below and look under Denigration
Cyberbullying

Let’s stop the ‘it is just edgy fun’ nonsense. It is not. It shows a disregard for women, and for men who do not fit the alpha male self-aggrandising views of this friendship group. It showed a disregard for the OP and her family. The OP has every right to, and indeed, should nip this behaviour in the bud and expect a standard of behaviour from her husband which is consummate with being a married man, and not a(n unpleasant) teenage boy. He is married, he needs to grow up. Hopefully this is what this episode will lead to.

famousfour · 08/10/2017 07:33

I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning - even after all the wine!

fwiw this would upset me but mostly your husbands response on copping out and blaming it on 'her indoors' rather than manning up and expressing his own views on the matter (which I take it he has since he tried to shut the talk down even before you saw it and presumably with no expectation you would see it). Good luck!

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 08/10/2017 08:32

Morning all, I'm feeling ok after the wine. I am up and getting ready to go to work later.

@Mylittledragon we are all early 30s can you believe. My brother in question is mid 20s. It was a homophobic rant about him and what he must like sexually - even though my brother is in fact straight. My brother is shy, respectful and kind. He isnt loud and he isn't into this lad culture. He keeps himself to himself.

What's done is done now. I really don't want to see him tonight, I still feel so let down but I can't exactly drag it on because then we will get nowhere.

You are all right about wanting nothing to do with best man. I'll say my piece to him when/ if he calls me later, he had better call later. I want an explanation as to why he ever felt that necessary to do. I want him to understand that I won't ever be a quiet little pushover. You don't get to mock and disrespect my innocent family member and expect me to stay quiet. I want him to feel humiliated!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2017 08:51

ignore Mumside, either they are the best man or being a goady fucker.

Shayelle · 08/10/2017 08:54

Glad youre making a stand on this op, not letting it get swept under the carpet, stand your ground on what you believe in and your morals - ignore pp's advice on how to be a bloody doormat.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2017 08:57

Right so it's cool and edgy, to make fun and bully somebody! And to objectify women and reduced them to just a vessel to satisfy men's sexual urges. They sound like a nasty bunch of pricks.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2017 08:59

Your brother sounds lovely, rather like my dh, and tgat is why I chose him over the traditional loud, boorish and disrespectful 'lads' who were also at uni.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2017 09:09

It's scarey as ops dh and his friends are in their 30s, they still haven't grown up! Tgey sound exactly like the louts in the media last week, from Halifax uni, who had a Ambulance call out chat to see how many times they can call out an ambulance. They also had a chunder chart😱😱😱

Bucketsandspoons · 08/10/2017 09:26

'Hey mums' ....Hmm

Yes, women talk to each other like that allllll the time....In a way it's a relief to realise all that codswallop was actually mansplaining and goading and not some poor woman seriously that indoctrinated.

The 1950s are over and they're not coming back OP. You don't have to settle for being treated like this, him having a penis doesn't create different standards or expectations, it does not make it ok for him to silence you with crap like 'breakdown' when you say something he doesn't want to have to listen to. He does not get to inform you of what you may or may not say or do, that isn't part of being male, it's part of being a controlling berk. And yes the whole 'cop it from her indoors' would feel very disloyal and demeaning to me too.

Don't have kids with this manchild unless you can be sure he's grown out of this, and that he is capable of an adult relationship with you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/10/2017 10:22

But how are you going to deal with your husband weakly choosing them over you? And accusing you of having mental problems because of your genuine and understandable response to this?

The best man is not the main problem.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2017 10:23

He made his decision, when he walked out that door to them, despite you being upset. Blaming it on 'breakdown', or 'yiur instability' and her in doors! You don't have his support op, he doesent have your back, they will always come before you! Please don't have children with this man, it will be more difficult.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2017 10:58

They are not really the problem, your husband is!

SandyY2K · 08/10/2017 19:13

One thing that comes to mind is ... even if they foolishly laughed at your brother ... why would they not even show your husband respect by doing it in front of him.

I would feel very very hurt as well. Agreed he told them to stop and that it wasn't funny ... but something made them feel comfortable enough to discuss your brother in plain sight of your DH on the group chat.

I don't think your over reacting at all. I don't think I'd ever want to be in the best man's company again tbh.

How would your DH feel if your friends discussed his brother or sister like that.

Massively disrespectful.

Goosegrass · 08/10/2017 19:24

Yeah they sound awful. That’s how they behave when they are in private it would seem. I would not have anything to do with any of them again tbh

CandleWithHair · 08/10/2017 21:26

Did the best man call OP?

whirlyswirly · 08/10/2017 22:57

Can't believe anyone is justifying this, I'd be horrified if it were Dp. I'd have been horrified if my first boyfriend at 16 had behaved like this. Cruel, immature bullies. The best man must have some serious self esteem issues. Anyone well adjusted would never need to put anyone else down to get their kicks.

I'm sorry, I'd be fuming too. Your reaction is far more healthy than their actions.

nousername123 · 08/10/2017 22:59

To be honest, you should have dealt with the issue. I know it’s awkward because they’re his friends and they sound like assholes but you should have said something yourself. It’s his best mans birthday, I get you’re upset but trying to stop him going is a bit much and to say you shouldn’t have gotten married is not reasonable over this. I understand how you feel and yes he probably could have said it better to them and stuck up for your brother more. But I do think you’re overreacting slightly. Explain to your other half that you hoped he would of had your back more, he probably doesn’t realise how upset you are, you know what men are like! Good luck!

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 09/10/2017 10:11

Hi ladies, sorry I got home from work yesterday and had a little sleep then sorted this all out with DH.

He spoke to both the best man and his friend who had contributed to the vile remarks. The one who joined in did in fact message me last night. A very long, apologetic message, calling it banter and that I shouldn't be offended because that's what boys do!! I was fuming but thought 'do you know what....you are just not worth my time or my effort to make you understand' I'll just distance myself from them and thankfully, DH now 'gets it' and removed the chat and himself from their stupid group. He wont stop being friends with them though. But then, I cant exactly make him.

The best man did not call or text me!

DH came home last night and we are taking steps to move on from this. I'm upset at what has gone on, I'm upset at the attitude they have, but I cant be responsible for how ignorant they are, at the end of the day that's for their wives to live with.

I can just make my stand that they wont get away with that behaviour involving any family member of mine. I don't think that DH would stand for it again. He told me he was always going to deal with this in his own way but I hadn't let him?! I call bullshit on that but I guess I'll never know for sure!

OP posts:
nauticant · 09/10/2017 11:49

Well done OP, you've made some progress. At least you know that you don't have to interact with the best man at all in the future, he's an arsehole.

Your DH though, he's a bit spineless and dishonest isn't he?

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