30 days no contact - Thread no 2

[Mumanddadtoone]

As the last thread is almost full, thought I'd start a new one.

This is for all of us who are trying to do at least 30 days without contact with an ex.
So whatever your reasons for instigating no contact please feel free to join in and we can all support each other.

Mumanddad, I try to think of it like that too but I just wonder, if he meets someone new, will he treat them the same way he treated me or will he treat them better? And why couldn’t he treat me and my dd better? Silly I know. He loved a profile pic change of one of our single mutual female friends, that got my back up and I accused him of all sorts. He said he can’t remember doing it and was probably half asleep when he did. It just drives me mad

aminuts that would put me off a man totally, I think it is very revealing how someone treats their children. He’s a total flake.
liza I know it’s hurtful but my exes have treated their current relationships better than me, and my current ex treated his wife way better, even though she’s selfish and entitled. Perhaps because of that.

But it’s hopeless comparing. I just get taken for granted, but am learning slowly to cut friends or relationships loose if I’m walked over.

I'm having such a bad couple of days ladies. This break up was such a tipping point for me after a hard year. He was the first man I'd loved since my husband and we seemed so happy. I went to the doctors as I was feeling so wobbly and I've been signed off work and given anti-depressants! I've spent the last two days at home, crying in bed trying to work out what went wrong. We were so close and now he does not want to know me. I feel so broken and alone. I keep scrolling through our messages and trying to work out what happened to that loving man who was mine,

Mumanddad, I think mine will never treat anyone any better as he seems completely unable to have an adult relationship. His last partner seemed independent and not needy like me. He told me he dumped her (after a similar amount of time) because she was not happy. I tend to think that was her decision and now I see he used that as an excuse to dump her as presumably she was quite happy not to be needy and dependant too. His usual dumping lines of 'I don't want to get married, or I don't want more kids' would not work on either of us. No doubt he will go on doing this forever. I can't see him settling with anyone. He's very emotionally needy, quite intelligent but basically a child.

Withering I am sorry you are struggling this much. Your ADs will take a while to start working. I understand feeling broken. One day there are there and they are your everything, then without any reasonable excuse or notice they are gone. Its inexplicable and so difficult to cope with. Please be kind to yourself. Own your feelings, you are perfectly within your rights to be upset.

So sorry withering. Sounds really terrible.

Aminuts sounds like you really do deserve better.

Sorry to hear this withering. It’s so difficult to cope with. All the what can destroy you. I’m trying not to let them! These exes of ours really aren’t worth it and people looking in can see that, so why can’t we realise it? My ex is a waste of space but I can’t help wondering what he is doing or where he is going. It’s so odd being that close to someone and now almost overnight you aren’t! It’s so difficult.

All the what ifs can destroy you, sorry.

Nuts, he was not right for you. If he was right for you you'd be with him now. That's it really simplistic but I think it's the truth! If you were meant to be together then you would be.
He also sounds very lazy with his children, getting his mother round to help babysit him! Sounds like he can barely look after himself and you need someone to be there for you.

Liza, yes, it does. Although to be honest I haven't really thought about it that much. If my ex is back with his last girlfriend then I wish them luck because they will both need it. He will end up broken again, only this time I won't be waiting around the corner for him to put him back together. Try not to think about it, its natural for the feeling to knock you sick. But when you're ready to date again etc your ex will be having those exact same thoughts.

A good quote from someone at work today "if he has any sort of conscience he'll never be happy after what he's done."

Withering, I hope you are okay. It's awful, almost as if the world has carried on and you're stuck. People complain about the weather and you just want to scream that you don't care about the weather, do you know what has just happened to me?
But it must get easier because it has to, there is no alternative.

My dad last night was saying to me why are you crying over someone who doesn't care about you? Why are you getting in a state when they are fine? He has chosen what he wants and it isnt you. If he is with someone else then so what, if he was with someone else while he was with you then it doesn't matter now. Think of it as a good thing, as you know there is no going back and you have seen what he's really like. Why would you be with someone capable of that?
He obviously didn't mean it to be harsh, he wanted to get through to me. It is true. No easier but true. We need to grieve in our own time but we need to know we will be okay.

Thanks Broken. I’m fed up of thinking about him! Cos he sure as hell isnt thinking about me! I really need to start sorting myself out now, for my little girl if no one else! It will be a month this Monday, maybe I should give myself till then and then say enough is enough. Time to start moving forward with my life.

I’m just worried I’m gonna end up alone!

Liza you’ll be fine and none of us will end up alone. We need to recover first otherwise we would not be fair to any new partner. That’s why this thread is helping, it’s some support through the dark times. We’re all going through it, all at slightly different stages. You felt ok yesterday so today is a blip. You can and will get past this.

And Broken wow! You sound different. Sounds like you’re in a better place than you were today. Well done. You’ll keep being up and down but keep those wise words of your dads in your head

• than you were yesterday

Liza, you won't end up alone! He just wasn't right for you and that's okay. Yes, give yourself until Monday to feel what you feel and then maybe plan small things to look forward to.

Nuts, yes, I still can't eat much and I still feel sick with dread but I feel better knowing that he has cheated on me. I know that's stupid. But I couldn't have done anything more, it wasn't because I nagged him when I felt insecure, it wasn't because I didn't fancy going to the pub that time etc. It's simply because he's a lying, cheating little boy. And I can deal with that. He's not good enough for me and nor are these men here good enough for any of you! I would rather there be a concrete end to us that I look back on and know I would never go back there. I don't want him back now because he has shown me who he is. Yesterday if he'd have contacted me I would have crumbled in an instant despite how he broke up with me. I would have took him back and I would be in this exact position in 3 months, if I'm lucky. Now I know he's not good enough for me. I won't be second best. I know he has made the worst decision of his life and he will be gutted, when it sinks in. We had a good life. We travelled a lot, ate out a lot and saw nice places. He could have had a good life with me and deep down he knows that. The funny thing is, we'd looked at engagement rings a few months ago and I'd chosen 'mine' and a month ago he told me he wanted to start a family. He was always after the next new thing - a house, a new car, a puppy, chickens... I am so glad I told him no.

Well done you, my first love did the same. It was one of his friends who eventually told me he’d been cheating. I wish I’d known earlier when he first ended things. Use it to help you

How long did it take you before you felt okay?

To be honest with you Broken it was 20 years ago so I can’t be sure. I think the initial shock/anger was up and down for a few weeks. I had no interest in other men for a few months which was the next phase. I think my next relationship that I invested in was about a year later. That didn’t last but wasn’t half as hard to get over x

Thank you x
I think it'll be hard to trust someone again but I know I'll get there.

Thanks Broken and Ami, I feel a lot better now

Does anyone else feel like they self sabotage?

I have had a nice evening, been to a family members house, didn't mention ex for 2 hours and then had a 20 minute conversation about him and his actions. (I haven't really been honest with anyone about some of the things he's done and feel it's too late now) But I managed to be more truthful about how manipulative he could be and I shocked them, he was always Mr Perfect on the outside and on paper.

Anyway I've just got home and now I'm panicking because I feel okay. And I'm thinking why do I feel okay when this is happening, will I feel even worse tomorrow?!

Haven't managed to eat yet so going to get something now.

Hope everyone's okay x

Don’t panic about feeling calm and really well done for starting to voice the truth to your family. You are starting to realise you can feel ok. Slowly the ok times will be take over the bad ones. Take your calm times when you can. And eat!!

Liza glad you’re feeling better. I’m good tonight x

Do you think the men give us the headspace we give them? Just pondering. I've decided it's time to let go, can't be waiting in the sidelines anymore, it's too painful. I'm worth more than scraps of his attention in between the online dates. Good luck with that. Dickead.

userxx I’m quite sure they don’t. Most of the time. However mines not normal. Very much an over-thinking stress head. Did my head in tbh.

Mine puts the odd post on FB late at night about people being angry and letting it go. I assume he’s directing it at me (when drunk) because he always takes it off in the morning. I’m not rising to that. I’m not angry 90% of the time any more so he’s just winding himself up. Not me. It’s amusing me now.

Sounds like you’ve made a massive decision. Maybe try and put some space between you to truly get over him. He is clearly a dickhead, true

You are right ami, space is needed, I need to get on with life, Why post a message then take it down the next day!! Doesn't he realise it will have been spotted. He doesn't sound very happy to be honest.

Nuts, from the small bits I know of your situation I think he will probably come running back to you. The mysterious posts on FB show he is thinking of you and I think he might come back to say his head was messed up but he's sorry etc. Also the not telling your mutual friend that you two had broken up.

Well, my dad and I still have no money. I don't know where to go from here. My dad texted him first thing this morning to ask him to transfer the money (again!) He replied like 12 hours later to say he'd transfer the money in full. 3 hours and nothing... Still haven't heard from him regarding a key and how I'll get mine and the dogs belongings. I dont want to see him (I did until last night when I found out what he's been doing) but he has a key safe so we could do it easily without seeing each other. He also has some things in his car. It's like if he doesn't reply then nothing is happening. Unless his ex who I think he's back with doesn't want him to reply to us or see me? 2 cheaters together can't exactly make a healthy, trusting relationship!