30 days no contact - Thread no 2

[Mumanddadtoone]

As the last thread is almost full, thought I'd start a new one.

This is for all of us who are trying to do at least 30 days without contact with an ex.
So whatever your reasons for instigating no contact please feel free to join in and we can all support each other.

Hi, can I join please? I am not sure if it counts if they are not contacting you either? I last text him today. No reply. No reply for a couple of weeks. Why did i text?
So annoyed at myself. Just disappeared. Everything was fine, then ghosted. He has disappeared off social media, whatsapp etc and his place of work too.

LizaJane - ah yes that guy sounds like a douchebag. It reminds me of the only Tinder date I've gone on where they guy just started telling me about how much cocaine he was going to take at the weekend. Then he was like 'you're a mum so you're probably too sensible for that' so gross. Also whilst you focus on this time last year, the fact you were having 'severe doubts' just shows he wasn't right for you. It also shows how strong your gut instinct is and I think when you date again just remember if you have those doubts early on then the guy isn't right for you - like the douchebag you mentioned earlier. lol. Also my little ones have been with their dad (who lives with his parents) for the last 5 days which has been horrible, and I just found out he's been at work so I could have actually had them. Not happy.

Iris65 is there a name for wanting someone because they reject you/are critical caused by the childhood issues? i did google but couldn't find much. will look into those books you mentioned thank you. I'm very aware of how I'm acting, and I always over analyse but I don't want to get into another relationship until I've sorted myself out. I seem to lose myself in relationships and give too much to the other person - who is always someone who then gives nothing back to me

dolly I am SO proud of you, keep up the great NC work!! :)

Miraclecure Are you going to go on a date with the guy? Yay you're doing so well

anxiousnow welcome! and yes it works even if they aren't contacting you, because it's just a way of getting space from them to sort your head out. Mine usually doesn't bother contacting me just when he feels like it. keep us updated with your progress. xx

So I went out in London last night which was fun, but you know when that person keeps popping into your head and you're trying to have a good night out but you can't stop thinking about them...well that happened. BUT the positive was that I only had a couple of drinks and so didn't text him - I seriously was going to because he had been making fun of what I was dressing as for halloween so I was going to send him a photo and a 'fuck you' jokey message. But then I realised what was the point. I also realised last night that if he had cared about me he would have messaged me as he knew I was out. But he didn't. I also stupidly re-added him back on Snapchat and he hasn't accepted it in like a week, so again, he could have access to my life he just doesn't care. I'm so proud of myself for not messaging him though.

Only downside is that I woke up feeling so low this morning I had a big cry. But then I decided to think how I would feel if I were a friend looking at my situation, so I've dusted myself off and looked after myself today. Just as I'm feeling miles better what happens? I get messages from him asking how my evening was, asking about my costume etc. I haven't responded yet, but I can't really ignore him right now as we work together but for me right now it's about being aloof and not messaging him first. I'll respond politely if he messages me but I need to not get sucked into this again.

May I join please?
I do have another thread that I added shortly after the break happened yesterday, as I wasn't sure I made the right decision...

Looking back, I only cited the distance as being a factor in why I instigated the split, but actually I think I was embarrassed to admit all the other stuff he's done/didn't do.

We were seeing each other about 6 months, incredibly successful, funny, articulate and intelligent, very similar life views. All good. REALLY, REALLY like/d him.

BUT

-VERY hot and cold with contact - sometimes 4 or 5 days (often after sex)
-let me down on several occasions for dates when I'd made special plans for childcare etc
-bit selfish in bed
-put his coat on literally 5 minutes after sex last week because it was "late" and he needed to get home
-refused to attend a wedding reception with me because he "hates weddings"
-haven't met any of his friends

And yet, I'm dying to message him to tell him I've made a mistake. Please stop me!!

Just got back from a gorgeous meal arranged by my sisters with 18 of my nearest and dearest! It was beautiful, we had such a laugh and I forgot about everything for a couple of hours! I’m so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. It’s really lifted my spirits.

Sounds brilliant Liza. You’ve done so well this weekend. Bet you never thought you’d get through it. Are you finding things any easier?

Chickens welcome. Lots of support here from people at all different stages of this difficult process. Your ex sounds like an arse. Coat on 5 minutes after sex. Bet that made you feel special . I’d hate that. Just like being used. Don’t message him. Take your time to recover then find a sexy unselfish man you actually deserves you on his arm. This one clearly didn’t

I'm finding it so hard to bite my tongue! Can't believe that someone who supposedly loves and cares about me hasn't even asked how I am I. 5 days.

Day 3 ish...think I may have ruined it so am angry at myself.

He came to pick up DD yesterday. Asked a couple of pointless questions. I went out..he can lock up himself.

Was reading some old messages today and my fat fingers sent him an 'A'.

He then replied with something cold and pointless. Which i ignored.

So annoyed with myself!

meow It is sometimes called trauma bonding if the unavailable person is abusive in some way.
Attachment theory is also really helpful when trying to understand relationship difficulties. There are two types of attachment seen in adults who are often attracted to unavailable partners: anxious -pre-occupied and fearful -avoidant. My therapist identified me as anxious - pre-occupied.
There's a huge amount of stuff out there and it has really helped me to understand what is going on. Mine is definately trauma bonding along with an anxious - pre-occupied attachment.
Understanding helps me to go easier on myself!
Liza really pleased today went well!
Whatthechickens pleased to meet you. You definitely deserve better!
Anxious good to meet you too.
So pleased that I found this thread Ami! 🌈

Thank you for the welcome

I haven't got round to reading the whole thread just yet, but what I have read has left me with a mix of amazement as to how strong some of you are, with disbelief as to how heartless some people can be.

Yes, the coat incident made me feel like shit, must hold on to this!
Not sure I'll find anyone quite like him again though, I knew from the start he was out of my league

FFS I sent a message. He replied straight away saying can we meet tomorrow night

Ohhhhh dolly I guess you're going to want to go and see him. Do what you want to do, but just be really careful...he is a shit, and you deserve better x

Dolly what are you going to say to him? You do deserve better. Don’t fall for his bull

He's just sent me a long message saying how he still doesn't have the answers and that if we're going to have a future together then we just need to be patient and that he's still not sure. I said to him fine I'll make the decision and we're not going to try again because it is unfair how I can forgive you for cheating on me and sleeping with someone else and yet you're unsure and leading me on. I'm sad but feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Will not be meeting him tomorrow and will be starting my 1000000 day no contact because he does not even deserve a second chance and I am worth so much more

Dolly he’s an absolute dickhead!! Again he’s talking absolute codswallop! Still doesn’t have the answers??!!! Wtaf!! I have an answer for him that starts with arse and ends in hole. Let his lying, cheating, melodramatic ego massage itself from now on. What a twat. Sorry but airy fairy namby pamby head fuck men like that make my blood boil! Tosser

@dolly3012xo

How the fuck is it that they cheat and then want us to be patient?

Victim mentality all day long!

I have no idea! Just got off the phone to him. He's crying saying he can't believe I'm calling it a day and that he's so hurt and upset and that he wants to jump off a bridge. He also then said he couldn't do it and hung up. God knows what to do from here...

Try Day 1 again tomorrow.

He hasn't got the guts to end it with you...he isn't going to kill himself.

You are all amazing. Something one.of you posted about how we shouldn't blame ourselves as they initially made us feel so cared for and related it to being told you were doing well at a new job really stuck with me. My guy hooked me in so badly. I can't believe he has just disappeared without a trace. It seems so extreme. To actually leave a job, disappear off all media. How do they miss us so much then not care. Don't beat yourself up for texting. They dragged us in.

Can I just say girls, that the fact we are all here is a big thing.

It shows we are AWARE that we should detach ourselves from the person we are seeing. Whether we want to or not doesn't matter. Of course we all feel strong feelings towards these people, however deep down we all know we need to have a break from them.

So whether you have a bad day where you message them/beg them back etc. Just remember that this is still progress - just the fact we have acknowledged we deserve better is HUGE. Because it means we are one step closer to realising that we deserve better.

I came out of an emotionally abusive relationship at the start of the year. Just decided to google signs of that, and I realise that the guy I'm lusting after again is just like my ex. I'm desperate for his approval, when he doesn't give it often. He is SO critical of everyone, and so that attracts me in as I'm desperate for him to approve of me. It's ridiculous. I'm reading everything and realising just how screwed up I am from my childhood and my mum never approving/praising me. Need to try and figure out how to change that. I guess the fact I've realised it is again a good start.

• Because it means we are one step closer to realising that we deserve better and can begin to move on. - is what I meant to write. lol