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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

30 days no contact - Thread no 2

999 replies

Mumanddadtoone · 07/10/2017 11:16

As the last thread is almost full, thought I'd start a new one.

This is for all of us who are trying to do at least 30 days without contact with an ex.
So whatever your reasons for instigating no contact please feel free to join in and we can all support each other.

OP posts:
LizaJane85 · 27/10/2017 08:34

Day 4 here. It’s just so tough when kids are involved and I know I have to see him. I literally dread those times because I hate seeing him as he seems to have moved on and is happy whereas everyday for me is an uphill struggle. It was 8 years of our lives! I’d love to know how he has managed to just crack on with things.

dolly3012xo · 27/10/2017 08:37

Highly recommend blasting out I will survive by Gloria Gaynor. It helps Wink

Happy2018 · 27/10/2017 08:42

You will probably think I am crazy. The guy who has dumped me and I never had sex because I wanted to wait. We were together for just over two months and I thought it was very serious so I wanted to wait and build emotional intimacy first. He seemed to respect that and was prepared to wait. Now when I miss him enormously , I keep on thinking about the sexy that we could have had. We had great chemistry - I could feel that. Am I completely loosing it now? Or is it just me missing him so much that makes me fantasies about him? I know we were together for a very short period of time but somehow he is stuck in my head.

dolly3012xo · 27/10/2017 08:48

LizaJane85- Men work backwards. So in the beginning they will go out, act single and think they're over it. Its normally a couple of months before they start thinking about it. Us women feel everything straight away, grieve, think about things and then end up not giving a shit by the time they've had time to think

meowimacat · 27/10/2017 08:48

I don't have time to reply much right now as heading to work, but welcome all the newbies...

I'm off to work and it's WITH HIM. I'm going to be stuck with him from 10am-12pm and it's all one on one stuff so just me and him. The fact I went 10 days NC and was fine then saw him and it all went to pot, i'm hoping today will be different. I do feel stronger, and I do feel like I finally don't care any more.

I decided to give the guy who wants to take me on a date a chance. He had basically given up and seemed sad, so when I mentioned going out again he seemed a bit stand offish at first...but then I found out he'd even bought me a gift for the date (which would normally creep me out, but really it's kinda cute)
Probably best I start going for guys who actually make an effort and are nice to me than the ones I usually go for who are morons who won't even respond/give me time of day.

Will report back later!

MiracleCure · 27/10/2017 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiracleCure · 27/10/2017 08:52

This reply has been deleted

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dolly3012xo · 27/10/2017 08:52

Meowimacat- Make sure you let us know how it went! Thinking of you.

Happy2018 · 27/10/2017 08:59

We will be fine. Think positive - happy times ahead! 🌹

dolly3012xo · 27/10/2017 11:00

Beginning to get emotional. Sad Just want to try and get through the weekend with no contact. On the bright side I have just booked a holiday to Malta with one of my friends for the end of November Grin

LizaJane85 · 27/10/2017 11:25

I’m having a wobbly day today! Why is it I feel so strong one minute then out of control the next? Why is he seemingly ok and getting on with things and I can’t do that? Feel like I’m gonna be this way forever.

GeriT · 27/10/2017 11:36

I have bottled it.

Massive row - don't know if there is any going back.

Day 1

dolly3012xo · 27/10/2017 11:41

GeriT- What happened?

meowimacat · 27/10/2017 11:58

Happy2018 I didn't sleep with my guy either, in fact we didn't even become official. But he's led me on so much for about 7-8 months with broken promises, flirting, making out like I was so special. Then he dropped me. Just because you didn't have sex with someone doesn't mean you can't feel how you do. You were clearly serious about him to want to wait.

GeriT hope you're ok

I'm just back from work although gotta pop out again in a minute. It was tough seeing him. I was actually in bitch mode with him because I just felt so much anger towards him, so I was being jokey/mean most of the time. Have to work with him again tomorrow.
Worst thing was during work there was a new girl there and he was saying to me how he wanted to work with her but she was working with another guy!!! He said that to me!!! Sad He clearly just likes fresh meat, now I'm... old meat. LOL. But it hurt a lot for him to say that to me...I'm wondering if he said it because I had earlier on said I was going out with someone tonight and he pushed for who and I said it was a guy so he was like "oh a date" and seemed annoyed, even though I said it's not (it's not!) but yeah...I NEED TO GET OVER HIM ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

meowimacat · 27/10/2017 12:07

Oh and just overthinking things (again!) but clearly he didn't say it to make me jealous just said it because he wanted the other girl. Also called me 'mate' at one point...he's never done that before. Think he see's me as some friend now that he can share who else he fancies with etc.
I need to stop seeing him, just can't cut off working with him yet although I'm trying to sort something...makes it so hard seeing him.

GeriT · 27/10/2017 12:28

I'm just so upset by him. He hurt me using one of my darkest secrets against me. I've said shitty things to him but I am in a state of shock

This will help me go NC apart from the DD messages etc...

Iris65 · 27/10/2017 13:39

Miracle: Each time I remember sonething good/sweet/touching, I bring to mind his negatives.

I do this too. As soon as I notice my mind wandering towards good memories I think about the horrible things he has done and said. My ex has also broken up with me several times before, once I even moved out for six months and then like an idiot I went back when he wanted me again!

dinnerdatedisaster · 27/10/2017 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happy2018 · 27/10/2017 13:50

Thank you MiracleCure and meowimacat :)
It’s all sad but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Unfortunately when you open your heart to dating and new relationships, you also open it to hurt and pain.
One of friends went through a very bad break up - her husband cheated on her. She was in pieces and it took her awhile to get back to normal. She is happy again! If she could do it, we can do it too.

Keep going ladies! We can be strong! We will be fine xx

StormTreader · 27/10/2017 14:40

I'm still struggling, I was doing ok until I was out last night with some friends and they dropped in a few "oh, she (his new girlfriend) always calls this drink such-and-such!" and "oh, we hired a hottub on our big annual holiday last year!" (the hottub that the ex spent loads of time in and people were posting the funny pictures of him in it for ages).

They were also chatting away about the big clubbing halloween night out tonight and the big party tomorrow - this time last year I was looking forward to going and planning to stay over at his after and have a great weekend, this year I dont get to do any of that.

I feel totally shut out of my whole social life because I cant even handle hearing that him and his new gf even exist :(

Iris65 · 27/10/2017 14:50

The hardest thing for me to deal with regarding the break up is moving out. We chose the house together and worked hard to furnish it and get it how we wanted it. I finally had the kitchen, bathroom and garden that I wanted.
Its his house (although I lent £10k so that he could buy it) He told me last week that the reason he didn't let me buy half which was the original plan was so that he could kick me out when he wanted to.
I have a very dear, very caring friend who has always been there for me who says I can stay with him for as long as I like. The house is nowhere near as nice as this one, nor is the area. It means I have to move again (fifth move in four years) and my cat has to leave her new home too.
If I could stay here and have him leave I could imagine settling and forming a new life.
Moving to my friend's is just so hard, but I can't afford anything else. I spent so much money on the new house and worked so hard and he (me ex)will live in it alone and it will descend into squalor.
I know I have to focus on how good my friend is being, but I feel so vulnerable. I've known my friend for decades and he would genuinely do anything for me - but right now I feel crap.

LizaJane85 · 27/10/2017 15:43

I just can’t get him with someone else out of my head! I feel like I’m going mental!!!!

dinnerdatedisaster · 27/10/2017 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsjustmarley · 27/10/2017 16:40

LizaJane85 if even a glimpse of him comes into my head with someone else I just think I'm better, I'm unique cuz I am and he'll NEVER find anyone like me. Think high of yourself

Iris65 · 27/10/2017 17:07

he hadn’t got abusive with her yet.

This is exactly right. I wonder how many people looked at you and your ex and assumed everything was fine or even better than fine. Remember most abuse happens behind closed doors.