30 days no contact - Thread no 2

[Mumanddadtoone]

As the last thread is almost full, thought I'd start a new one.

This is for all of us who are trying to do at least 30 days without contact with an ex.
So whatever your reasons for instigating no contact please feel free to join in and we can all support each other.

Thanks meowimacat! Deffo gonna watch these when I get home. Have a party tomorrow and I am so bloody excited but also talking myself out of going, just incase the ex calls and wants to see me. Tell me I am being stupid and to go and have a good time!!

Dolly is absolutely right about how men and women think.

At the start we will go NC to (in our heads) make them miss us, punish them etc. We feel like we are perhaps being unfair at some stages. The various feelings of upset, anger etc go round and round and the temptation to contact them feels overwhelming. If we leave them alone they will realise what they lost etc. But we still want to know how they are. Are they hurting as much as we are etc. Are they ok because we are not.

After time of NC we start to see the light. That actually the relationship and these men were not all that good for us anyway. The temptation to contact them gets less and less and we start taking back control of our lives again. Start enjoying things. time by ourselves or with other people. It gets easier.

I think maybe with men (I don't know because I obviously am not one), if they have ended things they feel relief. And NC for them is brilliant because they don't have the hysterics and having to deal with being confronted by the upset they have caused. NC makes it easier for them. But I think after time they will start to wonder why you are not getting in touch, why aren't you feeding their ego any more, they maybe start to realise what they lost (when things were better and without being confronted with all the upset of the present situation). In time I would imagine they will get in touch as they will wonder how on earth you have possibly gotten over them.

This is why NC works. It absolutely does. It gives you time to recover and maintain your dignity whilst they get on with their single lives until the realisation hits that they have actually lost you. By the time they realise this (no idea of timescales) it will be far far too late because going NC has given you your freedom and clarity of thought back and you can see them for what they are. So when they do shift from under their stone you can confidently tell them to crawl back under it and leave them alone.

I KNOW THIS AS I AM 30 DAYS NC TODAY!!!!! YEY xxxx It works girls and you all deserve to get where I am now. It is the hardest I would say in the first 2 weeks but then the spell they have over you gets weaker and weaker by the day at a rapid rate. I have my life back now and I am so happy xx

GO AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!!!

Even if you do get back with him in the future, you need to 'do you' for a bit. Get out there, hang out with other people, see that life isn't all about him. He'll still be there after this weekend. He will probably be even more interested if he see's you went out and had a good time without him. It'll show him that he's missing out on living a fun life with you. And if he doesn't make any effort after this weekend, then at least you went out and didn't sit at home moping for him.

I'm meant to be out Saturday night but it's just me and one other girl going now...and I can see her cancelling last minute. There was also a guy who wanted to do some sporty thing with me, but he's more interested than I am in him so I haven't really responded (I'M DOING TO HIM WHAT MY CRUSH IS DOING TO ME LOL) but now I'm feeling like maybe I should just go and see how it is. I know I need to get out there too, and not sit at home moping over someone who is probably chatting to a bunch of other girls and not giving me a second thought...hell, not even a first thought.

What's everyone else's plans for the weekend?

Aminuts I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! You have done soooo well. I'm gonna have to go back to the old thread just to read over everything you've gone through again and see how far you've come. You sound so relieved and so free! I can't wait to feel that again.

We're all here for the same reason and that's the starting point. It's not like we don't recognise that we are in a crappy situation with a crappy guy. We're all trying to get that toxic out of our lives...or at least begin to recognise that we deserve better even if we feel we still want them. So that's the starting point...and Aminuts is a great example that this NC can work. So it's giving me hope as I start NC all over again lol

Thanks for your post Ami- I’m determined to make it 30 days now. Apart from the brief handovers of dd.
I’m so glad you are so much happier! I read your posts from earlier on in the month and it’s amazing how far you have come! Please keep posting here though. It’s nice to hear from someone who has seen the light!

This is where my journey started before I joined this thread. Just reading it back I feel like it's all just a distant nightmare. And I shall definitely remain here to keep supporting you all xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3033410-Holiday-bloody-nightmare?pg=1

Well done Iris65! How comes you're doing a count down and not going NC straight away?

I can't move out of our shared house until the end of next week.

I was with my ex partner for four years. He was told by a psychiatrist that he has Asperger's and possibly Schizoid personality disorder. I strongly suspect NPD however.
He is emotionally abusive and here is my list to remind myself of why I am leaving and going NC:
Told me that I was stupid. He said this was not my fault - I must have been smarter when I was younger, but illness, stress and prescribed drugs have damaged my brain.
When I was ill he would go out to a coffee shop for the day (he worked from home) and leave me on my own. If I had to go to hospital or to see an emergency Dr he would say he didn't see the point in two of us going. He wanted me to use public transport to save money even if it took longer and involved walking some distance,
Told me that I didn't understand people and the people I thought were my friends were putting up with me because they felt sorry for me and that I was fooling myself if I thought they really liked me.
Told me that I was wasting my time sending cards and presents to family members because they would see it as wasteful and unnecessary.
Told me to stop wearing make up and styling my hair because only stupid women are that shallow.
Told me not to speak German or Dutch when we travelled because my accent and poor grammar was embarrassing to everyone.
Told me that Art, Literature, (both of which I love) the Humanities in general are worthless and should not be taught at University (he's a mathematician).
Told me that killing myself was a good choice because my life is a mess and my family will get over it.
Refused to pay me back £10,000 that I lent him to buy the house we live in (I am in the process of moving out)
He twice put his hand over my mouth to stop me speaking, once in public.
He would grab my hands during disagreements and squeeze them.
He told me that using my hands when talking made me look stupid.
When I was made redundant and lost my income I told him that I couldn't afford to eat out as often as we used to so he went out to eat on his own, while I went home and had a bowl of soup.
I worked out the finances and discovered that I was contributing £497 a month to the house, while he was contributing £198. His income was double mine when I was working. When I was made redundant it was 10 times mine. When I asked for money to buy food or as a contribution for stuff for the house or the cat he would ask for an itemised bill to be emailed. Then deny receiving it. Then say he hadn't read it yet. Then say he was dealing with it. It could take two months to get some money from him.
When we broke up once before he threatened to have our cat put to sleep.
He is narcissistic:
Has absolutely no interest in anyone else at all.
Told me that he is the best mathematician in his department and the rest are all idiots publishing rubbish. He hasn't got the recognition he deserves because he won't play their stupid games.
He believes he is right about everything. As soon as I start to prove him wrong he says 'End of discussion.'
During discussions he would constantly interrupt me so that I could never finish a sentence or a thought; frequently change subject mid discussion, tell me I had a terrible memory and that was why I thought he had said things he said he hadn't.

When I told him I was leaving he gave me a deadline of two days to get out - this at the time when I have just been made redundant and my Dad was dying. (he finally died on 14th October). I told him I will leave when I am ready and am in the process of sorting my next home and my future.

On 16th October he came into the bedroom and asked who was having the car because it was his. He paid for it. He cannot drive. He knows my condition and how dependent I am on the car. He paid a third - but already owes me £12,000.

I put up with all of this for four years because I thought it was Asperger's. He does have Aspergers, but he also has NPD and is emotionally abusive too.

wow Aminuts well done. Your post just now was brilliant.

I’m Day 19 and feeling a bit edgy as I’m about to go away for a leisure/work trip.

Have been debating whether to post back some jewellery he gave me but have decided not to.

Will lurk when I’m away and post where possible.

Keep going all of you

If anyone wonders why I stayed its the result of trauma bonding. Horrible.

Goodness me Iris65. He is pure evil isn't he! Keep that list handy and look at it every single time you feel like contacting him. He makes mine sound like a bloody Disney Princess!! You poor thing. You are doing such the right thing by moving out. Stay strong and stay on here because it sounds like he might be a bugger to get rid of.

Well done Ami on the 30 days. Keep it up!! x

Brilliant Ami!

Day 3 for me.

Sorry about your list iris - what a dickfaced twat.

meowimacat- You've convinced me I haven't been out properly in ages and can't wait to get glammed up and have a bottle glass of wine. Make sure you go out too!

Well done Aminuts23- Did he try and contact you at any point??

I feel like today is a good day girls. I feel really strong and positve

Aminuts23 omg well done. It's so good to see 30 days NC when it's finished. It gives me hope and determination to do this now! But yeah did he try contact you at all?

Meow - Marley - no he did not try to contact me either. He put some posts on FB about hating being ignored etc but otherwise no. That helped a lot

Aminuts just read your old thread again...and gosh I forgot how much you went through with him. So glad you've been able to move on now, even back then you seemed such a strong woman and i'm hoping I can be that too now :)

Meow I know. It all seems ages ago now. I think I am strong generally but he broke me at the time. Easier that we have no ties with each other now. What an arse he was. When I think about sitting on that hotel balcony, crying, a bit drunk, lonely, broken, being told he’d made it clear we were only friends I literally can’t believe it was only about 6 weeks ago. I feel so much better. What a way to treat someone! He’s a fool! I’d never ever treat anyone like that, ever. It irritates me that everyone seems to think he’s a mild mannered easy-going nice guy. He’s not at all, he’s a devious liar. But that irritates me now, that’s all. I’m not full of rage any more. Can’t be bothered. Life is short my friends and it’s there to be lived. Sounds like most are feeling a bit stronger today. Keep going

Thanks Ami and Tuilleries. When I read the list I know that I am doing the right thing.....and then I see him and a little bit of me melts because I am still physically attracted to him and still sometimes think 'maybe if I'd xyz it could have been different.' Which is a classic thought pattern of someone who has been abused.

I’d never ever treat anyone like that, ever. and that's the difference. Your experience is giving me hope!

Glad you're feeling strong and positive dolly. I have been too.

Hi ladies.
Joining the thread as I have just been dumped by the man who I thought was “the One”. We met online a few months ago and got on really well. We couldn’t get enough of each other and things were going very well (from my point of view). He was making plans and showered me with love and affection. He ticked all the boxes for me... and I fell hard for him. I think I love him. He ended it all today abrubtly - it feels like I was taken to the top of the cliff to enjoy the view and then was pushed off that cliff. He said he enjoyed spending time with and getting to know me but he couldn’t take the relationship to the next level and it was better to end it with me now.
I feel very upset and emotional. Please tell me it will get better and I will get over him.

So I’ve gone from feeling incredibly strong to now having the urge to message him. I just feel like he’s not being straight with me. What does he mean when he says we need to breathe and have space? Is that basically just a load of shit for I want to have my cake and eat it and have you there when I need you or is he genuinely having time to think about his actions and how he can make things better??

Dolly dolly dolly there is NOTHING genuine about him. He’s binned you off. He’s only dangling you like that so that he doesn’t come across as the absolute shit that he is. Messaging him is massaging his ego. Read my post from this morning. Each and every time you contact him you’re giving him power. Take yours back. He is absolutely not going to make you feel better. You’ll feel worse and back to square one again. Post here instead