30 days no contact - Thread no 2

[Mumanddadtoone]

As the last thread is almost full, thought I'd start a new one.

This is for all of us who are trying to do at least 30 days without contact with an ex.
So whatever your reasons for instigating no contact please feel free to join in and we can all support each other.

No, he didn't reply. I got into a complete state last night which I've posted about on my own thread (DP has broken me) and this morning I've gone from crying to feeling pissed off.

Day 1.

Okay a few of us on day 1 here.

Lets be strong and motivate each other. When we get the urge to message or doubting ourselves we come on here instead

I’m back on day.1 now too after not being able to hold back from asking why he couldn’t see his ds.

Apparently, he is and always will be there for ds, and now wants to put arrangements into place to see him. But how could he be there for him, if he went a month without seeing him, and it probably would have been longer had I not said anything? In his mind he is an angel that can do no wrong. He is in complete denial.

He demonises me so much, although for all my faults I have always supported and uplifted him, although the same cannot be said the other way around. He makes me feel like I am the worst person in the world.

His ex cheated on him with multiple men, demanded money for her own debts (which he paid), went miles away every weekend with their child and expected him to pick her up and bring her home. - and yet in the end SHE left HIM.

Sometimes I wonder if he is extra cruel to me, because he is not over how he allowed himself to be treated in the past.

I honestly wish I had never met him.

Tuileries I think it's okay to have setbacks in this 30 day NC. Every one of us will have weak moments maybe where we reach out to that guy and that's okay. But what you need to do is learn from that message and see how he is treating you since you sent it. Do you deserve to be ignored? Is that person deserving of your love? No. So what you need to do is be strong and try NC again, and next time you have the urge to speak to him remember how he's made you feel by ignoring you already. Hugs xx

I'm on day 10 but have to message him at some point in the next couple of days regarding work. Also have to see him this week for work - probably twice - and that will be at least an hour of us just 1 on 1. I'm thinking of asking someone at work to switch with me so I never work with him any more. It will be obvious why I've asked as I can't give any other excuse really, but I think for my own sanity I just need to cut him out now. The only thing I can say NC and not seeing him has helped with so far is that I'm not as bothered about seeing him as I was at the beginning of all of this. I'm hoping in another 10 days I'll be even less bothered. BUT I have to see him this week so that'll probably start me back at the beginning again.

Hope you are all doing okay today, give us all an update so we can know where you're at in your mind and how long you've been NC. Even if you start today, it's a huge step to getting your life back. Remember we all coped fine before they were in our life, we just need to remember who we were before them, and find ourselves again xx

NoSugarNoCalories I'm so sorry to hear how your ex is being with your ds. All I will say is it's just good for your ds to see him, and just see how it goes. If he doesn't keep to his arrangements then you'll have to bring him up on it again. It's so hard when kids are involved, but if this shows you anything it's an example of what you are looking for in another partner in the future. Someone who is a good role model, sticks to plans, devoted to their family, and who isn't messed up by their ex. Hugs xx

He demonises me so much, although for all my faults I have always supported and uplifted him, although the same cannot be said the other way around. He makes me feel like I am the worst person in the world. I totally sympathize sugar!

I feel like this. Just went to counseling, felt totally ripped to shreds.

Sometimes I wonder if he is extra cruel to me, because he is not over how he allowed himself to be treated in the past. oh this!

My mans ex was an absolute cow. He was married to her for years. And yet he minimises it totally, bigs her up, it was him who left her admittedly. All his family still go and are respectful. I’ve been torn down in comparison. I feel like all the anger that he was so downtrodden has come back on me with a vengeance.

I wish I’d never met him too. Awful experience. Can’t wait to get out.

My billionth day one is going ok. Every time he pops in my head or any thoughts relating to him enter my mind I say ‘fuck him’ under my breath. It’s been really helping!

My DD is at his tonight and I have to pick her up tomorrow morning. Any tips?

I made it through work without crying. There's a no phone rule so that helps. I haven't had a reply from him, which has made me sad and panicky.

meow, I think you're exactly right. Ignoring what was a really nice message (asking if he was alright, saying I'd been thinking about him and how strange it was not being in contact) is not really fair, IMO. But then I did break up with him, so maybe I deserve it.

Wishing you all strength today. I'm sorry - it must be very hard for those with children who have no choice but to maintain contact.

Afternoon pretty ladies,

Wishing you the strength to get through this day without contact. Have turned my phone off for most of today. Turned it back on and started typing out a bloody message to him! I didn't send it though.

Hopefully my book, "its called a break up because its broken" will be waiting for me when I get home. Also going to rearrange my room to try and make myself feel better.

What does everyone do to keep busy?

Well done for not sending it dolly

I'm currently eating oatcakes and cheese to keep busy, then I'm about to start working again. It's working from home that I find so hard - so many distractions. If I get an urge to send something I will call Women's Aid to talk through some of the things I experienced, which will help me to get pissed off at him again.

I'm going out to play cards tonight with some people I've never met. I have no idea how to play the game they have proposed so that should hopefully keep me busy.

I find rearranging stuff in the house, as you said, quite helpful. Now I understand why my mother was always changing the decor and moving the furniture around every 5 minutes.

I am now googling Feng Shui anything to keep me busy! Tuileries- good on you girl! Will be good to go out and meet new people. I have an old love flames (secondary school) 30th birthday on Friday. Trying to talk myself out of it but I so want to go. Suppose I am waiting for the ex to message me seeing as I got the whole "you'll hear from me again- i love you" bullshit last night. Tell me to go and have some fun!

(Jealous of the oatcakes and cheese. I scoffed down a McDonalds for lunch)

LizaJane85- Go looking a million dollars!

I'm going to have to join, I was on day 2 but now back to day 1, I found myself on his instagram despite having unfollowed him 😒. I thought I was doing well....I deleted him off everything as well. So basically he was acting completely into me like I was the best thing he'd ever seen, called me/messaged me everyday, said I don't need to worry about him ever going off with anyone else, was always complimenting me saying I'm the only girl who's face he has literally been this in love with, planning all these future things, like literally the guy seemed obsessed with me. Soooo because of this, one day I messaged him casually, hadn't heard from him all day, so browsed through instagram and saw he started following this rather provocative looking girl. I thought ok you've got time to search out for this girl but not to message me, we eventually spoke so I just lightly made a joke about it.....he was NOT happy about me questioning him. I thought because of how he's been with me I thought I could, btw this is the only time I done that. Anyway he ended things on Sunday because I've pushed him away and since I'm not his actual gf he said he wants to feel like he can still go on dates/tinder without me being upset. I guess I got the wrong end of the stick here. Anyway starting day 1 now 😑

Itsjustmarley this is similar to my situation. I have a crush who acted like I was the best thing in the world. He seemed sooo into me, really made me feel so special and we spoke constantly. Then I sort of hinted that I fancied him, which was met with 'wow that would be so weird if you did', the messages got less and less etc. Then as soon as I try and disappear and cut him off he acts like he's into me again.

I've just received some non-work related whatsapp messages from him after 10 days of nothing (oh, he did message about 3 days into NC asking why I was off work - as I was off sick - because he had made me so stressed I got ill lol.) He's even gone out of his way to buy this special vegetarian thing as he knows I'm vegetarian and is trying to impress me. Must have cost him a lot to buy it too, so he's really trying to get me hooked on him again as he knows I was doing well and had blocked him on other social media. Worst thing is it's sort of working but I DO feel more in control at the moment, but I just wish I could have a month or so of not having to see him. It's the seeing him that I know will take me back to the start of all this progress

Liza Yes that's what I used to do, say fuck him every time I thought of my crush. Must remember to start that up again as it does really help. Could you go in and collect DD and act like you're late for something or in a rush to leave? I would just go in with a big smile on your face, be nice, be happy, collect your DD and leave as soon as possible. The best thing you can do in front of him is act like you have moved on, even if you haven't yet.

Tuileries I don't think you deserve it, even if you broke up with him. It was a nice message. The no phone at work rule is good for NC at least! I love that you are going out with people you've not met and doing something different. It's the best way to keep busy and meet new people and who knows you might make a new friend or hobby that you can continue to do.

dolly Glad you didn't send the message. I think it's good to write out messages as long as you don't send them. Also if you read back on them the next day you might even think thank God you didn't send them! To keep busy I tend to work out a lot, it doesn't seem good at the time but afterwards the endorphins really help me lift my mood. Even going for a walk helps, again, it's something I have to force myself to do but afterwards I feel so much better. At the moment I've been putting so many things off in my life, so I'm making a big list and I'm going to focus on trying to sort as many of them out as I can. It should keep me busy and hopefully stop me feeling so stressed.

Meow- that’s what I’m planning to do, breeze in, be all casual, grab dd then leave!
Don’t let this guy reel you in again, it seems he liked the attention then when he wasn’t getting it anymore he got a bit miffed!

Dolly- only problem is I have to get her at 7am (on my day off!) and that means to look anywhere half decent at the moment I’d have to be up by at least 3am!
Go out and have some fun tonight! Well done for not messaging x

Tuileries- well done for making it through work. I know how hard that is. You do not deserve to be treated the way you are. He doesn’t deserve to have had such a caring person in his life.

Welcome itsjustmarley- this thread has been a godsend for me and I hope it helps you just as much.

Day one almost over for me, apart from tomorrow morning! Keep strong everyone

Still nothing from him. Would it have killed him to have replied?

An evening of tears. I have had to stop myself getting in my car several times and driving to his house

I'll be starting no contact when I finally move out at the end of next week. It makes me sad just thinking about it. Even though he was emotionally abusive I love the bones of him. Apparently its called a trauma bond.

Sorry to hear that everyone is struggling.

I am struggling too - we haven’t been in touch since 7 October. I would love to have a go at him but my pride won’t let me.

I need to get to a point where I’m not constantly thinking about him.

I think I’m stil in shock really.

He treated me appallingly btw.

Tuileries, this is why NC is such a good idea. If you hadn’t messaged him you wouldn’t be waiting for the reply and being so upset. Try to bottle how you’re feeling right now somehow so you can remember it next time you want to message him. You displayed empathy and concern and he’s hurt you again.

Dolly what do you imagine he would say if you went there? He wouldn’t welcome you with open arms. He wouldn’t put everything right for you. You’d come away hurt, confused and back to square one again. Try to keep hold of thoughts like that if you can.

Iris welcome. I hope you find the support you want here x

Heart it gets better every week. I’m day 28 here. I don’t think about him constantly, I don’t check his FB etc. In fact the only time I have a conversation with him in my head it’s him asking forgiveness and me telling him where to go. And I now know I actually would mean it now! Don’t lose hope ladies, the future is bright

I had to send one final message just to articulate how I was feeling and how much I deserved a man who knew what a great thing he has lol.

Saying out loud all the crap things he's done/said helps as you think to yourself...what on earth am I crying over you for.

I've started writing a list of things I want to achieve that'll make me a better person and more progressive in life. So I'm going to focus on my list now.