30 days no contact - Thread no 2

[Mumanddadtoone]

As the last thread is almost full, thought I'd start a new one.

This is for all of us who are trying to do at least 30 days without contact with an ex.
So whatever your reasons for instigating no contact please feel free to join in and we can all support each other.

Thanks aminuts feel crap today. Square one.

I invested a lot in my step daughter so felt pretty rejected at the time. I understand in a way though, tricky to accept a step mum. But I though my Ex would have started to value me more!

We were together years. So pretty hard. Have a young child together.

I was a single parent too. Makes me a bit less sympathetic to him at times though, I make time for him and my first child, it’s a balance that’s not that hard to achieve!

Hi everybody. I’m ok. If that month to a year thing is right only 7 more to go! Day one almost NC done (he messaged about dd)

Spoke to me ex this morning, apart from Wednesday mornings his mum is gonna do all drop offs and collections. And if he wants to know how dd is he is going through her. Will be hard but I’ve gotta do this!

Autumn - I can relate to the step-parent issue. I think that played a big part in our disputes actually. My now ex, carried a huge shoulder of blame that he wasn’t able to provide a solid family unit for my stepson. That guilt, at times, seemed to dominate our family life.

I’m on nc day 18 or 19 now. Seems to be getting harder now as reality sets in. Feeling the urge to break, and I’ve been crying a lot but I know I don’t have anything ‘nice’ to say right now. My mum has many of his belongings, and despite going on and on initially about needing essential things for work etc. 3 weeks later, he hasn’t bothered to collect anything.

Hi Girls.

Hope you don't mind me joining.

I am currently on day 2 NC. Long story short, I set a trap to admit that he cheated on me as he has cheated in the past and I had a gut instinct. Not the best idea my end but I needed to know the truth.

Worst part is that instead of being sorry and showing remorse for his disgusting behaviour (he has shown now) he has now turned it all around on me saying that I am the one who ruined it and is angry at me for being lying and deceitful.

Had a bit of a huge breakdown last night but have a therapy session tomorrow so hoping that will help.

Sending all my love and support to you all x

meant to say (he has shown none)

Hugs dolly I hate when they try and turn things around and put the blame on you. At least you can see he's doing that now.

Liza Well done, does sound like the right thing to do and you're being strong about it. His mum helping should make things easier for you, and talking through her will help with NC.

NoSugar Well done on getting this far with NC, it will get easier! If he won't collect his stuff that's not your problem.

Big hugs to all of you.

I'm on day 3 and got a message from him today asking when he's next seeing me. He also responded to the message I sent Saturday today like he hadn't left it 3 days. I said I was ill so wouldn't be at our mutual place of work for a while (which is true.) He was trying to carry on silly conversation but I kept it short and deleted his whatsapp messages as soon as I had given a short response so I couldn't see if he read it/if he's online. I'm going away with my kids and a single girlfriend and her little one this weekend, so that will make a nice change and hopefully take my mind off him.

I have another guy who's wanting to take me out, and he's not my usual type at all and I can't see any future with him - I agreed to go out if it was just a friendship thing, which he agreed to - but I feel like he's already considering it a date again. Argh. But I guess I'll go it'll take my mind of things with this idiot. I'm not ready to properly date yet, I think i'm still comparing everyone to my crush.

Morning girls.

Start of day 3 today. I've drawn 30 little circles on a post it note and have it at my desk at work. Each day I go no contact I get to color in a circle. Sounds stupid but it is satisfyingly pleasing.

Had a little cry last night thinking about him and dragging out old holiday photos (would not recommend)

I doubt it will take him 30 days to contact me but I keep creating conversations that I have with him in my head. He cheated on me and I am still telling myself I want him back. please tell me its a bad idea

Love to you all

Dolly - I think wanting him back is normal, because you mourn the loss of the relationship, or the one you thought you had. After a break up, we tend to put our ex partners on a pedestal, ignoring their faults and focusing only on their good traits and the happy memories we had with them.

But you deserve so much better than how this man has treated you. To cheat twice, and show absolutely no remorse or respect for your partner is inexcusable. Cheaters are natural liars & manipulators, so it’s more than likely he will try and entice you back into his life, if he feels he has lost his grip on you. You have to use this time to block him out completely, and work through your feelings and emotions. It is hard, but you’re on day. 3 already. Hang in there!

dolly take no notice of what he says now, its just pure defensiveness. If he has any heart, at some time in the future, he will be remorseful. If he doesn’t, you are well off out of it anyway.

Thanks nosguarNocalories

Finding it hard but even if I can make it to a week I will be happy. I do want to see him and talk to him at some point. I don't want to carry around anger or hurt. Not sure when I should do this?

Last time we spoke was Sunday night and he said that we needed time to breath and that he loves me

Such a head fuck. Have a therapy session tonight and hope that speaking to someone who doesnt know me or my situation will give me a big kick up the ass!

Also dolly, find photos of yourself before him, your life, see the person you were. You must have had happy times? You can again.

I’d say, even if you are dying to get back with him too dolly, tell him you need time. Then NC. If you get back with him too quickly he will never understand or never change. If you do NC you might find in a few weeks you don’t want him anyway.

Hi Autumnskiesarelovely

The thing is that I had a gut instinct that he had cheated on me as he has done stuff in the past (taking girls out for drinks, still being on online dating, sexting women) and I just had to find out the truth. I knew he wouldnt tell me if I asked and we have no mutual friends. I set up a fake number which resulted in him breaking down and telling me.

I know what I done was over dramatic, deceitful and stupid but he is now telling me that we are both as bad as each other and that I have broken his trust (i understand in a way) and that he is angry because I am a liar and deceitful.

I am more upset about him being angry at me for what I done rather then him cheating on me

nosugar you are so right, the guilt even if they did nothing wrong, can dominate everything. My Ex has totally neglected us and our child because of this, I think I’m done with it. Sadly his kids from his first marriage are now young adults, well cared for, they are fine, yet he trails around after them more than our child, who is very young and needs him more. It’s so unbalanced. Sorry this affected you too.

These men don’t know which side their bread is buttered!

No dolly you did nothing wrong. I’ve also done this and I have zero regrets, I set up an online account. Caught my Ex online too. If I hadn’t I dread to think how much longer I will have been deceived. Which is wasting our lives, we are investing in them and trusting them.

Good for you! Shows you are able to take control back.

It’s our lives these men are playing with! Of course we need to protect ourselves. Finding out when we are being lied to is vital.

The awful thing now for you, is realising he is continuing to do this. Much harder to recover a second time. You know what they say, caught once, more fool them, caught twice, more fool us if we stay.

I did stay with my ex even after the second time, but I left him for 4 months. He told his brother and friends what he’d done, he got help, he changed his number and deleted all social media. Basically he did a lot, however he still doesn’t treat me like he should.

Please dolly you are NOT like him. It’s totally different. You are not deceitful. You were finding out if you were lied to. Do not listen to him.

He needs to eventually see this, or you have no hope that he is genuinely remorseful. And also he is saying that you should never check up again. I would beg you to go NC on this man and talk to other people instead.

Also nosugar I found days 18 bad. But within a week I was so mucb better.

Autumnskiesarelovely Everyone is telling me that I did nothing wrong, maybe it is time I start believing it.

I just hate that the fact that he has cheated has been put on the back burner and the issue of what I have done is now the issue. I even had a voicemail left where he accidentally called me whilst he was out with his friends discussing what happened. "Fuck her, she's a psycho." Nothing mentioned that he cheated behind my back and gave me a reason not to trust.

Just praying I can get past day 3...

Oh that’s nasty of him, so demeaning. You might be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Yes believe it.

Although it’s also a wake up call for us. I don’t regret catching my ex out. But having to set up an online account? It’s a horrible place for us to be. It’s no way to live. We can’t be doing this again, it is a crazy thing to be doing.

You’ve caught him. You know. Go away from him and get your head clear. You only have one life, find what gives it value away from the awful cycle of lies and having to play detective.

Sorry for what you are going through Dolly. Men seem to get away with so much more. Keep strong.

Starting my minimal NC with my ex as of now. Have asked my family to take him of fb too as I don’t want to know what he is up to. I really want to be free of this man! Emotionally more than anything. My dd needs her mummy back! Cos although I’m putting on a front and she doesn’t have a clue how I’m feeling on the outside I’m crumbling on the inside.

Autumnskiesarelovely- I am just so unstable it is untrue. One part of my head is telling me that I deserve better and that I am way too good for him. (which I know is sort of true). The other half is telling me to try and work through it and that it could make us stronger (deluded I know)

LizaJane85- You can do it! Men really do get away with so much and then get to call us psycho bitches! (they turned us into them!) Good idea about the facebook. I haven't even dared log in just in case I see something I don't like. I have to drive past his house on the way to work. I have to leave at 7 and he is a later riser. His car wasn't there so god knows what he is up to or where he stayed last night. Time to find a new route to work I think! Your DD does need her mummy back. I have no DC's so I take my hats off to anyone who does- must make it so much harder!

AHHHHHHHH I want to message!

Liza you are doing so well! Keep going!