Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

30 days no contact - Thread no 2

999 replies

Mumanddadtoone · 07/10/2017 11:16

As the last thread is almost full, thought I'd start a new one.

This is for all of us who are trying to do at least 30 days without contact with an ex.
So whatever your reasons for instigating no contact please feel free to join in and we can all support each other.

OP posts:
alittlepieceofme · 14/10/2017 14:29

I thought I would join in, unfortunately I can't do NC as we have a little boy together so only message if it's something to do with seeing him. I've read a lot of the posts and my ex sounds similar to some of yours. Literally the week before he left we were talking about having another baby, getting married etc and he went along and joined in with the conversation! Then the next week he told me that when ds was a month old he fell out of love with me! He stayed until ds was 8 months old, I wasn't aware of a change in his feelings! Like lots of you I miss him and get lonely, angry and upset! Everyone thinks he's a nice guy but I want to tell everyone he's not! He's selfish! If I had known about his feelings sooner we could have worked on the relationship!

It's been 2 months now and I'm still finding it hard where as he is carrying on like nothing's happened! He goes on nights out, gets a good night sleep where as I am literally left holding the baby!

Aminuts23 · 14/10/2017 14:36

alittlepieceofme what a shit! Vent here whenever you feel like it. It’s the lack of honesty isn’t it? It’s infuriating, confusing and brutal. Utter arsewipes

Autumnskiesarelovely · 14/10/2017 15:22

Hi everyone! Hope the weekend is going OK?

I’m not sure if I’m still NC, if I am it’s day 38.

We live together with kids so I’m minimal contact, no conversations, just brief exchanges about kids and we each take it in turns to go away.

Definite change in my man, he’s setting up counselling, and asking me to go on dates midweek, much more respectful, much more appreciative.

I feel much more in control, he’s away this weekend, in the first month he didn’t tell me where and was on WhatsApp until 3am. Angry. But now he’s gone away, and told me all his movements, but I don’t care as much.

I’m not sure whether to go on these dates?! Confused

LizaJane85 · 14/10/2017 15:25

Alittlepieceofme He sounds exactly like my ex! How can men just carry on like nothing has happened? It would be nice to know that they are suffering just as much as we are but that rarely happens.

GunslingerPie · 14/10/2017 15:37

Hi I've been following this thread for a while now, it has helped me realise that all my feelings are normal but I just wanted to share my godawful last 6 months with you, if that's ok?

I had been with DP 17 years. We have two kids-a teen and a toddler. Found out 6 m ago he had a secret child (age 3Sad) and an 11 y relationship with that woman. To add piss to the flame, I also found out he had slept with various other people (nobody I knew thank god) and was now in a year long relationship with SOMEONE ELSE.

He is now still with that someone else (not the child's mum) even after me finding out. They live together with her kids.

He has begged me to go back to him and i am so fucking proud to say that since that day I found all this out (he admitted it ALL in one day) I have not once assumed we could ever get back together. How the fuck could we??? There's been no secret kisses or drunk sex, although he would at the drop of a hat.

He is playing happy famililes and sees our youngest every weekend. They all do stuff as a family.

The awful feeling of betrayal hasn't gone away, but thanks to AD's and sleeping tablets I feel more normal on a day to day basis as opposed to wishing I was dead.

WankerAngry

GunslingerPie · 14/10/2017 15:39

Meant to add I have ultimate limited contact with him; obviously have to occasionally respond to odd text regarding child, but I ignore the others.

Aminuts23 · 14/10/2017 15:56

Gunslinger god that’s bloody terrible. You’re right he is a total wanker. Sounds like you’re doing well though. Still early days for me. I’m day 18 of NC and better for it. I still have down days and angry days (like today) but they are getting fewer and further apart. It’s the weekend flashpoint I struggle with.
How does your ex ever imagine you could get back together?

Autumn do you want to go on the dates?

GunslingerPie · 14/10/2017 16:29

He has said sorry, and I have had all his texts about he will make me happy etc. He says he just got into a tangle of lies and didn't know how to get out of itHmm I have never fallen for it- this wasn't just one mistake, he has lied to my face for years and what's made it worse is that he and I both know I never did anything to deserve it.

I have just dropped DS off at his parents' house and seen him when he came to collect him. One of my rules is that he NEVER comes to my home ever. That helps.

I found it has helped to be ruthless with myself. I have told myself that he has gone for good. He may as well be dead. Knowing there is this finality has kind of pushed me to get over him.

Aminuts23 · 14/10/2017 16:34

I need to get rid of mine off FB. It’s like torturing myself really. Should have done it straight away though. Good to keep him away from your home. He sounds like a devious manipulative man

userxx · 14/10/2017 21:04

Ami - delete him from Facebook, it's keeping you attached. Cut that final tie and be free from him. Facebook, what's app and all the others are pure torture 😔

LizaJane85 · 15/10/2017 08:11

I’ve just deactivated my fb account. Even if I deleted him I would still go searching for him. It’s insane! It’s almost been a month now and no matter how hard I try I still want to know what he’s been up to and who he is chatting with. Someone tell me these feelings go away soon!!!!

userxx · 15/10/2017 08:40

The less you feed them, the quicker they will start to go away. Also why do you want to know what he's up to and who he's chatting with? What do you get from knowing? Hurt and upset.

GunslingerPie · 15/10/2017 09:01

I don't have fb so that has helped. He moved away as well so don't have to see him. I do hear the odd snippet of news from people who are fb friends with him but have asked them not to mention it.

Fb is the devil in situations like these. Don't torture yourself. Equally, he has no way of seeing what I'm doing and I'm glad. It means he has no clue what I get up to (no matter how boring) and I know this bugs him because he's kind of told me...

Aminuts23 · 15/10/2017 12:18

I went to block him earlier. Nearly did it too. My issue now is that I’m ok, feeling much better and I don’t want him to think I’m still in the depths of despair. Which is what that would look like. Damn. I should have done it straight away really. To be fair I’ve stopped checking when he was last online etc. It’s getting easier now. Day 19 👏🏻👏🏻

LizaJane85 · 15/10/2017 12:18

I know I shouldn’t be giving him any headspace and I’m only torturing myself. I’m also thinking about getting someone else to contact him regarding our daughter, I have to see him briefly twice a week and that’s a killer. I just thought after a month things would be getting easier and if anything they are getting harder Sad

LizaJane85 · 15/10/2017 12:19

Well done Ami,

LizaJane85 · 15/10/2017 12:20

Sorry hit post too soon! Well done Ami, wish I had an ounce of your strength Smile

Aminuts23 · 15/10/2017 12:32

Liza it’s easier for me though. I have no ties to him at all. It must be tough when you still have to see each other regularly. I’ve unfollowed mine as I don’t need to see what he’s up to. His ‘nice guy’ and ‘positive energy’ posts just wind me right up and set me back. I was chatting to a friend last night who was asking me if I’d ever take him back and absolutely honestly for the first time (in my heart) the answer was no. Quite apart from his horrific behaviour at the end, he’s a man child and I don’t like/want him any more. I’m enjoying my own headspace back.

LizaJane85 · 15/10/2017 12:57

That’s good Ami. Glad you are starting to feel better.
It’s just the constant thought of him with someone else. It’s driving me mad! I was speaking to my sister earlier and she told me I deserve better and why was I so upset over such a waste of space. I just wish I could get in that mindset. I guess that’s what NC does.

Aminuts23 · 15/10/2017 13:05

It does Liza. Actually the thought of mine with someone else is not bothering me now. He’ll only do the same to her. There really is light at the end of the tunnel and I can see it now. I’m getting there. I was angry yesterday but that was over something he put on FB. Hopefully that won’t happen again x

LizaJane85 · 15/10/2017 13:43

I’m so pleased for you Ami. I really am. And like I’ve said before, tomorrow is a month and I’m starting the minimal contact from then. My sister said she can do the contact with him if I find it too hard and she has changed my password on fb so I can’t deactivate my account whenever I feel like it. I need to do this or I’m gonna end up a wreck Confused

LizaJane85 · 15/10/2017 13:44

Sorry reactivate not deactivate!

Autumnskiesarelovely · 15/10/2017 16:40

gunslinger wow that’s some betrayal! You must have been sent into traumatic shock. Your whole life turned on it’s head. What a bastard! Good for you, clean break, here’s to a happy future with someone much better. Flowers

Autumnskiesarelovely · 15/10/2017 16:42

liza and aminuts you both sound much clearer and stronger, keep going! You can do it!

Pogmella · 15/10/2017 17:08

My NC has totally failed. Its the 1st few weeks of us setting up custody though so I'm just going to wait til I feel strong enough to try again.