Boyfriend is ridiculously tight with money

[NewBrian]

Would being this ‘careful’ with money be enough for you to get rid of a boyfriend? We’re both mid twenties, I’m ok financially (not a drain on him), he’s very sorted financially. Recent examples that have annoyed me.

1. Expecting us to sleep in a car after a day out in London save paying for a hotel.
2. Will only buy reduced food, even if doesn’t like it much.
3. Constantly reminding me I owed him £10 after he’d stayed at mine all week.
4. If we go out together we must split everything equally down to the penny.

This is someone that has tens of thousands in the bank and a good job! Seems to be a family trait, his dad is a LL, most of his properties are in London but he walks round in the same battered pair of shoes.

I'm frugal and this is a whole other level!

I would say though that I do struggle to spend money - I am fairly financially comfortable. Not exactly secure because I'm young, but I have 6 months of bills in the bank. Doesn't change the sick feeling in my stomach if I spend a lot of cash. I've been trying really hard to worry less, but we didn't grow up with much money at all (second hand clothes, sometimes no food in the fridge) and I always knew how stressed spending money made my parents and used to worry terribly about anything that meant they had to spend money. I try not to be mean, I'll pay for coffee or a meal out etc but I do really struggle.

So maybe worth seeing if it's a mental thing, rather than just assuming it's definitely a deal breaker? I guess it depends whether they are trying or not though - because I do try!

I bet we all agree that spending and happiness are two very different things. Sometimes you spend and feel happy. Sometimes you don't spend and feel happy. Sometimes you spend and don't feel happy.

It's all about perception. Take sleeping in a car for example. My wife and I arrived at a cross channel ferry port late one evening. The ferry was leaving early in the morning. We went for a bracing walk along the seafront, made a cup of hot chocolate on the beach on a camping stove in the shelter of the sea wall. Then got in the car, reclined the seats all the way back and put on all the clothes we had for warmth, and talked for ages. It was late August and as luck would have it, the sky was clear and through the sunroof we saw the Perseid meteor shower. It was free, but in many ways better than alternatives which would have cost money.

Many people in the world live on a few dollars per day, yet still know the deep joy brought by close friendships, sunshine, love and music. I am so grateful to my wife for showing me this, and that is why I wanted to post a slightly contrarian opinion for the OP.

Oh Roger.

I grew up in a really poor house, we had feck all and it's made me determined to enjoy myself. I'm not stupid with money but I don't save for the sake of it either so I don't think it's always about growing up poor.

'Many people in the world live on a few dollars per day, yet still know the deep joy brought by close friendships, sunshine, love and music. '

Because they have NO fucking choice, Roger, they're not being frugal with millions in the bank, they're in poverty.

Roger, you're trying to put a positive spin on things but to me it just sounds so sad. I grew up with nothing because there was no choice. I don't want to offend you but I feel sorry for your kids.

Incidentally I have a close friend who grew up with tight, but financially very comfortable, parents. She went totally the other way and became an utter spendthrift and ended up owing far more than I ever will.

Oh dear, Roger. I’m afraid i’m not convinced at all. It’s a joyless way to live. My ex was like this and it gets you down. Constantly settling for whatever is the ‘best value’ rather than what you want is depressing. Extravagance all the time is obviously not good either but there is a happy half way.

While I was with my ex, I needed a new car. I had in mind what I wanted but was overruled. We were far from poor but he spent ages researching to find a car that was the most fuel efficient, the most economical to run, least likely to need expensive repairs etc. I ended up driving the most boring fucking car in the world. I hated it. It came to symbolise everything I hated about him and his attitude to life. Parsimony for the sake of it.

I left him and now I drive and Audi. Yes, it’s not the most fuel efficient and it’s a bit flash, but my goodness it’s fun too. I love my car and I love driving it.

Please run.

Roger has a point - money doesn't buy happiness.

But if someone told me I'd be sleeping in a car rather than a room after a night out, when a room was affordable... That wouldn't make me happy either. I'd rather not go full stop.

You’re not convincing me Roger. I take pleasure in sunshine, love and music. And in the joy in my children’s faces when I buy them an ice cream from the ice cream van.

My DD1 died when she was 9 from cancer. Although we have never had much money, I'm so glad for the times we were able to buy her a 99 on the beach rather than a box of own brand we walked miles for, give her something she really wanted even though it wasn't the cheapest, save up to stay in a glamping pod or caravan rather than a tent for a little something extra because life is far, far, far too short to spend penny-pinching when you don't have to. Charity begins at home, Roger.

And honestly, none of the tightarses I've had the misfortune of meeting was skint, skint people who aren't tight will generally just not go out because they can't afford to without being subsidised by other people and they find that wrong and miserable and joyless. I know I do and I've been that skint person.

If being a miser is what makes a person happy, I feel for their kids. There are no pockets in a shroud.

Oh and when I first left my ex, I was genuinely broke. I was on benefits for a bit. When I was genuinely hard up, I had weeks where i managed to feed myself and the DCs for under £20 a week. I would walk 2 miles to the supermarket to save bus fare etc. But you know what, I tried to treat my kids occasionally because I think it’s important. We would have the odd ice cream in the park or trip to the Saturday club at the cinema.

Now I have more money, I no longer feel the need to do my grocery shopping for £20 a week. I’m not extravagant but I’m not going to live on lentil casserole, value baked beans and pasta if i don’t have to.

Oh jeez, that sounds miserable. There’s no way I could be happy with someone like that. Imagine having that life for the next 50 years. If the thought of that makes you shiver, please leave him sooner rather than later.

Money doesn't buy happiness but anyone who enjoys buying the cheapest of everything when they have millions in the bank is a pure miser

I'm careful / sensible with money. I use vouchers at the supermarket, and take my own lunch to work. On most ordinary work days, I spend £0.00. A latte is an occasional treat, not an everyday purchase. I only ever buy clothes in the sales. I understand the difference between 'I need' and 'I want'.

All this frugality is for a reason. I drive a very nice car (bought used, and payed for in cash), have no mortgage, no debts and substantial savings. I have just enjoyed my third holiday this year.

Being sensible with money is good. Waste and extravagance are bad, but so is pathological meanness, and the inability to spend sensibly to enjoy life.

Agree with everything Bonnie has said

The title of this thread does suggest to me two people on different pages at the moment. But relationships are about compromise and negotiation & again it is all about perception. Where some may see a tightwad or a miser (negative perception) others may see a social activist, an environmentalist or a philosopher (positive perception).

If Newbrian is willing to reframe and they are both able to gradually recalibrate, finding common ground, then I personally can imagine ways this could work out well.

Did his family struggle for money growing up? Is there something more deep rooted that makes him need the security of plenty of savings?

"If Newbrian is willing to reframe"

Ah The woman should change her behaviour or the way she thinks.

Quelle surprise!

Are you sure Newbrian is a woman? He could be a man asking for in a same sex relationship.

I think the point is gender neutral anyway. The orginal poster is unhappy with they poster who they complain is "ridiculously tight". If there's a happy future for their relationship, they must be able to soften their views - just at the partner must be able to moderate his behaviours around money.

However Helena I agree with what you said earlier about financial control and abuse in a relationship, an important point I hadn't considered.

Are you sure Newbrian is a woman? He could be a man in a same sex relationship.

I think the point is gender neutral anyway. The orginal poster is unhappy with their partner who they complain is "ridiculously tight". If there's a happy future for their relationship, they must be able to soften their views - just at the partner must be able to moderate his behaviours around money.

However Helena I agree with what you said earlier about financial control and abuse in a relationship, an important point I hadn't considered.

Sounds like a sort of financial version of anorexia to me.
My mum has this, to a lesser degree. ££££ in the bank yet she'll only fill the bath up with 2 inches of water, use teabags twice etc. I don't understand it, but I'd be getting rid of this tightwad faster than anything... surely you can do better, OP?

Miserable misers save money for the sake of it. They see money as a good in itself, and having a lot of it saved up as conferring some kind of worth. Saving money is so good, in fact, that the negative consequences of choosing to save (bad outcomes, loss of enjoyment, the suffering of others, etc.) never tip the balance. It's not moral or worthy-in the end it is simply an extreme form of materialism.

Money is neither good nor bad. It is just a thing. Having it does not confer merit, just as not having it does not equate to lack of merit.

Yes, being sensible with money is good. Being secure and self-sufficient is good. Psychological and physical health are good. Self-care is good. Showing your children how to live a balanced life and make good judgments for themselves and their dependents is good.

Compromising any of those things for the sake of having a bit more money in the bank (that you will never, ever spend anyway because-miser!) is most emphatically not good.

''because life is far, far, far too short to spend penny-pinching when you don't have to.''

never a truer word said , however I do think some people get a buzz from it. I think there is a middle way, nothing worse than a complete spendthrift for the sake of it, however I personally dont find extreme tightness at all sexy, be it male or female . I think it probably works best if 'both' people are like this. Funnily enough my mum never was, met someone who was that way and became that way and to be frank always seemed miserable as hell. still she had a lovely home to be miserable in and money in the bank.

The hotel and the £10 would have been enough to make me dump him already. Stingy ness and tightness are vile qualities.

Boyfriend is so tight! It’s so frustrating. I think it’s really getting to me. Is it wrong to feel like this?
My previous boyfriend used to pay for everything and got me unexpected gifts etc. Ok I’m not wanting that as I work and am capable of getting my own things. I am a very giving loving generous person and like paying for things for friends and family.
But since I’ve been with him I find it really strange that a person can be so selfish and tight.
He never gets me gifts or surprises me. I feel unloved. I would be happy with a romantic note or a single flower. But I get nothing. He tells me he loves me!! I have put up with this for years.
I have previously confronted him and it changed nothing.
I’ve gone off going on dates with him as at the end he will expect me to pay half even if he has eaten and drunk more than me, which is on most occasions.
Then he wonders why I am moody and pissed off looking..lol
It’s so embarrassing as I speak to my friends and they tell me what their partners have got them. I sometimes lie and say the things I bought for myself are a present from him! That is so sad...but true! I can only LOL