The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Love well if its worked ok for you in the past then that's fair enough. I have a 15 and 17 year old who are usually up later than me, and a 6 year old who often gets in my bed at night! So that's tricky for me.

Trying to keep busy at work and not obsess about messaging (or lack of) here...

love I know on other threads people get up in arms about introducing irons so early but the reality of single parenthood is never ideal.* I think you’d be fine if you talk to them about it & be open for questions.* I’m like Ruby I’m that my DD loves coming into bed with me in the night so it’s trickier!

Thanks everyone for your support. Not sure is we'll be riding off into the sunset together for eternity. We have great shared values but in some ways we are quite different. For example there is no way I am watching her Bollywood movies (she's 2nd generation Indian), I hate both musicals and subtitles at the best of times. And I not sure if we'll fully meet intellectually. But she is a good catch and more than worthy of investing some time and attention into and seeing how it grows. She may well surprise me as I think there is a lot more to her than meets the eye. That's the fun of the adventure together. All is going well, she totally runs a my pace which is nice. She ok with only seeing me now and then (even though she lives 2 miles from me) due to both of our busy life's with our kids. The most refreshing thing is (I know this doesn't sound romantic) she doesn't have the need to message me throughout the day. We can go a day without messaging without her losing her nut over it. I really like that and shows the same security I feel.

I know dating is a mine field but I found this educational video that may help you ladies out in this game:

Hope this is of help

1DAD brilliant I'd forgotten about that sketch..."Diabolical liberties with your knees"

ADVICE PLEASE DATERS! Mr HNL is being wishy washy with dates, basically taking ages to reply after previously being very quick. Right now he has not confirmed whether he can meet me on weds despite reading the message hours ago and I can see he's online (on the dating site). Ugh... I've clearly overinvested and become a stalker ...Note to self to try Kik which is more anonymous...

It's a cool off isn't it? Advice please on how to handle it.

Couch - can you remind me of the situ with Mr HNL? How many dates, dtd, etc?

Couch it does sound horribly like he's blanking you. If you've already messaged him I don't think there's anything else you can do now. You either wait or mentally move on. One of my FB rules is the slightest sign of bad mannered caddishness (!) (thanks Harry Enfield) and they're persona non grata.

1Dad that's got to be the next thread title - the minefield of caddishness.

Pheonix... 2 hook ups, lots of texting, honesty that we're both actively dating, him making noises about liking me apart from the shagging, now several days of lack of replying and rescheduling dates.

Been... it does doesn't it? In the beginning we had two dates within a week now it's looking like it would be 3 weeks til we saw eachother again. Ugh... I have suggested Wednesday lunch... if he doesn't reply I MUST NOT TEXT HIM AGAIN.

couch it sounds a bit like the slow fade. I wouldn't text again. Bloody annoying trying to figure out where you stand though isn't it?

I've re-done my profiles on POF and OKCupid and have sent out a bunch of messages. I think this might be my last try online dating before taking a break, it's starting to become a long hard slog and I'm not enjoying it as much as I used to.

Couch re the noises that he likes you outside of the shagging... you went there in your head didn't you? The forbidden snake-infested FB over-investing zone!! Even visiting that god forsaken place in a quiet five minutes is a head fuck.

My guess is he'll submarine you rather than ghost you and pop back up when he's horny.

Right... thanks for the perspectives MyUsername and Been Yes MUST NOT TEXT AGAIN. Not fussed that he's OLD'ing but he's kept me hanging on 2 occasions now. Once again you're bang on Been I did mentally go there but I never saw a future in it anyway...

I must remind myself I have accomplished my original mission to have some hot sex and mentally move on from my divorce. THAT has definitely happened.

Couch it doesn't seem to matter how unsuitable they are long-term if you go there and have a little bond...

As you said, original mission accomplished!

Couch - Been nailed it again lol. This is why I don’t do fb. I think sometimes people say things they think might either scare us away or what we want to hear. I agree that he’ll probably submarine you. Try to keep in your head that you weren’t sure! That always helps me a bit!

Well I've had a nice day exchanging messages with Mr TaiChi and he was very complimentary. He has asked me on a date . The trouble is we're struggling to find a date! He has more obligations than me so I've left the ball in his court to come up with a couple of dates and I'm stepping back from the phone now and focussing on not fucking over-investing but he said when he thinks of me it's easy conversation and lots of laughter. Plus he said I'm hot. I'm 51 FFS. I love it!

Morning all

BEEN sounds like it's going well with Mr Taichi, let me know how it goes with the not over investing lol and if you have any tips for me on how not to do it, then please do let me know!!

So, I need a bit if advice about my Mr First who I'm now going to call my Mr Submariner lol. I text him last Monday saying that I really wanted to see him again as we were supposed to be buddies. I heard nothing from him all week and seen that he had been on POF offering nights away but didn't extend that offer to me lol.
I got a text from him yesterday saying hi and sorry been a bit mental lately. I said it was ok and asked how he was, he said good and asked how I was and I said good thanks and left it at that. Do you guys think I was right to leave it at that or should I have tried to make a bit more conversation?
The sex is great with him and although I was starting to get a bit over invested I've managed to back away a bit now knowing that he's been looking for other people.
The problem that I have is that I don't really like sharing and don't much like the thought of him being with other people then being with me. I know buddies aren't exclusive but I don't feel the need to go with anyone else, I'd rather just have him.
I'm thinking that if he wants something from me then surely he'll text again as he has come back twice before, once after about 4 months then after about 3 weeks. I'm hoping that if he does want to get together again that I could manage to keep emotions out of it this time. I'm struggling not to text him as I really want to see him again have some great sex
Any advice? Lol

Been That all sounds great with Mr Tai Chi! And of course 51 can be hot!!!

SMM You're doing it again!!! You're overthinking. I think you really need to ask yourself if you're the sort of person who does fwb/fb, especially as you don't like to share which is the whole point. You have to expect fbs to (a) be shagging the rest of the world and (b) to disappear. It would be great if they were honest before they went but there's not social contract so they don't have to.

Your text convo sounds really dull if its verbatim. It doesn't sound like there's any interest on either side? If you want him - tell him. Say something like "I had a great time the other night, you were really hot, and I'd love to get together again for more of the same".

But ultimately I think you need to delete these guys numbers, etc after you see them. Wth casual I never enter them in my address book, and then after I've sent a message (especially if I can see they've read it) and then that way I can't message them again. You can gauge how interested someone is by how often/quickly they get back to you.

Hi PHOENIX thanks for your advice.
Maybe I'm not cut out for FB's lol but I'd really like the hot sex with him!!
With the messages I was trying to play it cool and not over invest too much, especially as he has ignored me for a week lol.
The last time we DTD I sent him a message the next day saying I had a great time last night. The message last Monday that I sent him was along the morning sexy, I really want to see you again. Then heard nothing all week. lol
I'm trying to act as if I'm not bothered but I do really want to see him again and was kind of waiting for him to make the first move.
I'm wondering if I just need to forget about the fact that he could be seeing other people and just fill my boots lol!!!

And you're right about not having any kind of contract with a FB. I suppose after a 14 year relationship I'm still getting to terms to with dating again, OLD, FWB, FB's and all the rules/head fcks that go with it all lol

Serial I think there are so many rules with FWB and FB, I have had both and I would say the deference between a FWB and FB is a FWB will stay in contact, ask how you are and show a little bit of interest in your life, a FB will just message when they want to meet up for sex, maybe a bit of sexting before meeting up but no general chit chat. When I have had FB's they tend to just disappear and then reappear when they are feeling horny, this is ok if you don't expect anything more. For me I find it hard not having any emotional attachement though I find a FWB harder, you assume they are interested in you, you have deep conversation with them but they don't want a relationship, it's often us women that over invest and hope that it will grow into a relationship, it messes with your emotions and you end up getting hurt when they disapear or end up in a relationship with someone else.

After my marriage broke up I kind of went a bit crazy after not having sex for years, I had several FB's and ONS's but found it very hard being rejected by men that were just after sex. Some would tell me their life stories, as for advice about things going on in their lives so then I felt a connection, most of them were just craving female attention and wanting sex (which is fine if they tell you that straight away but many don't). I am done with FWB, FB and ONS's.

Hi LOVE

I did exactly the same as you, went for ages without sex after my L8TR then went crazy and slept with 4 blokes in the space of a few months. All were really only after one thing and it does hurt being rejected afterwards.
Mr Submariner was the first after my dry spell and he's probably the best I've ever had so I'm definitely keen to see if I can manage to keep my emotions out of it.
I feel like as he was the one who got in contact with me again after a week of nothing, surely I should wait and see if he asks to see me again rather than jumping straight in there with oh ok, you've messaged me, when do you wanna have sex again? Lol
And to be honest, I am a little hurt that he didn't invite me away, surely if we have great sex and we have a laugh together I would've been worth an invite? Lol

I jumped into bed with FWB straight after leaving DH, he was a friend who had been chatting me up for ages, we ended up in bed together, it became a weekly thing but I soon became emotionally attached and he then made it clear that he didn't want any kind of relationship (he has been on his own for 20 years). I was quite hurt but then started OLD, probably slept with 10+ men and then ended up in a relationship for a year (which ended badly last Christmas), since then I have met up with one of my old FB's, he did a disappearing act again which I kind of expected. I am now trying to be more careful and look for a relationship rather than a FWB, I am hoping Mr Mountain might be the one but I'm scared of having the exclusive chat with him in case he says no (I hate the feel of rejection).

I think all you can do is try and forget about him, if he messages you at some point in the future you can decide if you want to meet up for sex or not (if your still single and you have some free time then that's fine) as long as you don't become emotionally attached, if you feel your getting attached then I would block him and move on.

At least with this guy we weren't friends before so it's definitely FB's rather than FWB so that takes some of the emotions out of it I guess.
I'm the kind of person that thinks that there should be some kind of feelings/emotions during sex, otherwise its just cold and mechanical. The trouble is I just need to remember that it's just sexual emotions and nothing else.

I would say bite the bullet and have the chat with Mr Mountain if you've been seeing him for a while but I would be the same as you and be worried about the rejection lol

Hopefully I'm seeing Mr Mountain this weekend so will try and have the exclusive chat. He seems to be the one that's talking like we are in a relationship (planning ahead) but he's also still on POF. I'm not sure how to have the chat, last time I saw him I mentioned POF, I had a notification come through on my phone and I said 'oh, it's a POF notafaction, I don't really go on there now, I might as well delete it', he didn't really say much, mumbled a bit and said he doesn't go on there much (I know he goes on there every day).

How long have you been seeing him? I think it would bug me if he was still on POF everyday