The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Would you move cities after one date, where you both like each other but the guy requests you to make up your mind before even starting dating?
Not sure if many women would risk like that...

Inex absolutely not! The person who moved would be isolated and totally dependent on him. Which is, of course, his cunning plan. That scenario is an abusive bully’s dream.

God no inex. Never, unless there was a real commitment.
My guy tonight- absolute gentleman. Bought me drinks and held doors open and was very respectful. I don't feel a spark but he's handsome. Seeing him again next week.

So weirdo guy from earlier lost out!

Thank you Smeaton

This is someone else. And I wished him luck in finding someone local... I just can't afford to move to another city and travel to London for work.

I genuinely didn't think about him being an abusive bully, but that is a good point Beenthere And if that is the case, then I had a lucky escape... 😳☺️

Inexperienced I don't get into conversations with anyone who is not local. At best it is a waste of time and at worst it will add complication to any potential relationship if you try to make something of it.

Inex sounds like you made the right decision. I actually think it's good to be upfront about dealbreakers like that. You had a lucky escape and handled it well.

faronto glad date was good... maybe your feelings for him will grow? A gentleman's always good

been how exciting! Your outfit plan sounds fab... and what's better than red shoes? When are you seeing Mr TaiChi?

Pfffttt last night's date with Mr Voice. Just went so well... have to admit I'm SO into him. It seems mutual. Considering we had the tamest of pecks on our first date and it was all very respectful last night's passionate snogging exceeded expectations!

I've had a week being home alone now that exH moved out and DDs were at grandparent's for half term. I've had 3 dates and really realise that I'm not ready to date and cancelled my GSM subscription for now. But soooooooo glad I did it otherwise I wouldn't have known. Had the hot sex with Mr HNL, some fun dates, met some great people and feel much more detached from my divorce shit. Not sure what'll happen with Mr Voice, he knows my sitch, will keep in touch if nothing else for the promise of shagging with a hot man but need some time to myself now. Plus I'm bloody knackered!

Still gonna keep my eye on this thread though!

Inexperienced - How old are you?

I think as you’re honing your asshat radar the bigger questions are: did YOU think this was normal? And did you consider it?

The thing is guys are going to try it on constantly and the shadier they are, the more they’re going to try shit. You need to decide ahead of time what you want & what’s acceptable to you. If you indulge a little sexy talk very early that’s setting the tone - so you need to block & move on. Same with proposals of marriage, dick pics, asking you to move, change your hair, lose weight, try kink you’re not into, get a better job, get your tits done or whatever.

Couch - way to go! Love your honesty. Taking time to take care of yourself is so important.

Serial - how did speed dating go?

I’m off to Mr BBC’s tonight & feeling strangely nervous. It’s been a long time since I’ve had sex with someone I really like & are developing feelings for.

Phoenix I'm not that young...

He came across very serious and we talked for about 2 hours. After the date he directly asked if I liked him. And it was mutual, that's when he said "will you consider to move here so we can date?!" I found it strange but said that I have to think about it. After arriving to London I thought about it and what implications it will bring. I wouldn't mind moving in future if it would work out...But his words "you are not going to be around whenever I would like to see you" made me question this: "so you have to see him at every shot he gives you. What about your own life and commitments?"
I genuinely like my space and usually step back if men are too much or too full on.
Obviously I wouldn't judge him after first date but all these little things made me worry. Glad I had a lucky escape 🙂

I did consider it Phoenix...

Re: sexy talk. I don't entertain men with that at all. Each time when someone tries it on they finish exactly where they start as I just go quiet and stop answering.

Inexperienced- for the record it wasn’t a dig at you re your age but more me trying to understand where you’re coming from. It’s really worrying to me that you’d even consider it for a moment.

Morning all,

So, tried speed dating last night
I actually wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I started chatting to a girl and a guy who were friends and got there the same time as me, if I hadn't have been chatting to them then I think there might've been a lot of awkward standing on my own looking like a donut lol

As for the men, there was no one that really knocked my socks off. Some were easy to talk to and the conversation flowed so well you didn't want the bell to ring. Others were a struggle to find things to talk about and I couldn't help but wish the damn bell would hurry up lol

I'm supposed to go on the website sometime today and log the ticks i gave people and see if there any matched, there's a couple that I would consider seeing again but we'll see. It was just so nice to know that the person you're talking to isn't using fake pics, you know it's them and the fact that it's cost then £20 and the fact that they even bothered turning up must mean they have more of a commitment to not messing around like people on OLD.

PHOENIX I hope it goes well with Mr BBC, I think sex is so much better when there's feelings involved

COUCH I'm in the same boat as you, I totally got fed up with OLD, just seems it's full of people that are half arsed and just want to mess around. I'll go on it every now and again reckon but it seems to be all the same faces when I go on.

BEEN Nope it's still me lol
Hopefully I've got my shit a bit more together
I got a message from Mr RL on Saturday (the day before my whole week without kids) dating he had broken his foot. I'm guessing that was a lame (ha ha, just saw that joke, boom boom!) excuse as to why he won't be able to see me this whole week. I haven't mentioned that to him, then got a message yesterday asking what i was up to at the weekend, I thought that was because maybe he might ask to see me but no, when I said I didn't have the kids he just said I'll be out on the piss. Clearly no intention of seeing me then
I know I'm better off not seeing him and have changed my feelings towards him totally now, the sane with OLD, I might have a go every now and again but I'm gonna be really sceptical and I remember the quote 'it's all bullshit til it actually happens'

Hello, lovely dating people!

I have my first date from the deathly quiet and waste of time OKC tomorrow night. Not my first ever date you understand, but my first on this particular dating site.
We have been chatting every day for the past few days. He seems nice enough, but I'm not really feeling it, and don't know if I should bother going. When I look back at our messages (and I certainly don't mean to blow my own trumpet here), it's mostly mine that stand out as being funny and punchy. Plus, sometimes when we're mid-chat, he'll often take around 10 or 15 minutes to send back a reply. I know that doesn't sound a lot, but it's actually pretty frustrating!
It could be that he's just a bit shy, I don't know. But right now I'm loving the thought of spending my free weekend with chocolate and a box-set. I feel like I can't be arsed. I'm really swithering with this one.
It is maybe also a bit of a lack of confidence holding me back. I'm more overweight now than I've ever been - still attractive though - and I guess wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea in my current shape. I think a part of me is worried about not being well received, and I'll be annoyed at myself if I end up having the double whammy of a boring date, and also a blow to my confidence!!
Can anyone relate? And what are your thoughts on whether or not I should go? It's just quite an effort to get dolled up (I go all out for dates) for someone I kinda feel half-arsed about. Although my obsessive personality would probably have me wondering 'what if?' Argh!
Thanks!

Just wanted to add that for me anyway, my most successful dates have been the ones I've really clicked with at the messaging stage.

inexperanced I think someone asking you to move city after a first date is a huge red flag, why would you even consider it? Most people I date are not local as I live rural, in the back of my head I am always thinking 'what if things go well, one of us would have to move' but sadly that would never be me as I have my children to think about and I deffently wouldn't ask someone else to consider moving after one date (more like a year of dating).

It's getting closer to my date with Mr Mountain, he is being a bit flaky again and not messaging unless I message him but when we do message he seems keen, maybe texting is just getting boring. I'm still not getting my hopes up about the date, there's always a chance he will cancel so until Sunday morning in my head it's not happening. If the date doesn't happen or doesn't go well I will probably return to POF.

I'm working tonight but also going to a Halloween party (will be working but maybe opertunity to meet people), I'm being brave and wearing something quite tight fitting, I'm more a jeans girl , hopefully I will scrub up ok.

Dieu - I can totally relate to the body confidence thing (see previous posts cuz we’ve discussed it quite a bit. I think him not responding for 10-15 mins during a chat isn’t a big deal at all. Maybe he’s just busy?

I have to say the nights where I don’t feel like going out are often the best ones. Could it be good for your confidence to get out? If you are going to bail do it ASAP so he can make other plans! Don’t be one of those that we complain about on here all the time that nails on the day.

INEXPERIENCED I totally agree with what everyone else has said, a huge red flag asking you to move cities on a first date!!

DIEU As Phoenix, please do have a read of the recent posts about body confidence. I have huge body confidence issues and some of the posts on here have made me see things in a different light. I haven't overcome the issues but it's made me realise that what we see as huge problems often are overlooked by others

Dieu if I were you I would go (wish I had a date tonight!). Not everyone is into messaging and it may just be that he would rather chat face to face or on the phone.

Regarding your size, are your photos and description up to date on OKC? If so I wouldn't worry. I sympathise as I would like to lose a stone.

Thanks all! Reckon I'll go. And if I didn't, I would let him know today. I tend to be over considerate in my treatment of others, so would never have let him down on the day ... or worse still, not at all .

Yes, my photos are up to date (a year old, max) but no full length shots, which I am now kind of regretting ...

Will have a look at the 'body' posts you've told me about. Hadn't been on here for a while.

Oh, and I've also described myself as 'curvy' and respectfully asked men not to contact me if they prefer their women skinny, as there would be no point.
So, I've been kind of straight, without actually stating that I am overweight

Dieu, glad you've decided to go on the date. I always worry about the body thing too.... I'm healthy and in proportion bit of a mum tum can't see me changing anytime soon so that's what they'll get.
From overthinking about my date (think I'll call him Mr Motorbike) I've decided to just try and relax a bit about it all....like userxx said, I should enjoy fancying him. He rang last night for a chat and has mentioned our date for next weekend in texts today so I've no real reason to doubt him. Fingers crossed 🤞

The whole body thing is really tricky isn’t it?! I know at 40 I’m much more conscious than at 23 when I was last single.

I have date #2 with Mr Stylish tonight. I saw him Sunday and it was good I think (I was very nervous and a bit tipsy). He wasn’t drunk and said he really enjoyed the night. I’m going to try and relax a bit more and enjoy it. We’ve been texting all week a lot but no phone calls. I haven’t felt the butterflies in many many years and I’m not getting carried away but it’s nice to feel alive again!