The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

AntiGrinch I'm in London, I can't remember where you are?

Speed dating organisers I have found are:

www.speeddater.co.uk

www.slowdating.com

dateinadash.com

www.originaldating.com

I have tried two of the above and I am contemplating the others.

couch you sound busy , hope all goes well with your dates.
I think if all goes ok with Mr Mountain I will be asking him 'what he actually wants' and asking him 'if we are exclusive' but I then no we will just see how the date goes first, I am gonna no to his house for the day and he is cooking me lunch.

Phoenix - you're right about Mr Sexting.
I have a good (but date-free) weekend coming up - stuff with old friends - really looking forward to it, I hope it will help take my mind off all this.

GRINCH I have body confidence issues. I'm on the large side and i don't know if that's the reason people ghost me or if it's just the OLD way.
To be fair though of the 4 guys I had mooseburgers with, the first (Mr Submariner) did say he didn't want to see me again although never gave a reason why....then came back on the scene 4 months later and we had mooseburgers another 2 times with him trying to get back with his ex inbetween.
The second was a bit vanilla for me and although he did contact me afterwards he didn't mention meeting up again so I was happy to just let it go.
The third was cringey and not my cup of tea, he did contact me again a while afterwards seeing if I would be up for it again. I just said I was busy coz it was the school holidays, I guess the door might be open on that one but I really don't want to go there again.
The fourth was really sexy in my opinion and the 4 hours we spent together weren't awkward and the mooseburgers were extremely tasty lol but after a couple of messages afterwards he disappeared too.
I just feel like I put myself out there for these guys to judge me and if they don't like me then that's fine but I'd much rather know what the problem is. I feel like they probably think a large girl is ok but in reality it probably disgusts them.
Now I feel scared to do it all again in case they decide I disgust them again.

Serial - what do you mean when you say they weren't really dates, did you agree to just sex prior to meeting these men?

Loo update Mr BBC date #2 - still lovely, still laughing.

It was kind of implied before we meet up.

It's not something that I'm proud of, it's not like me at all but in my defence I had gone without sex for a year and a half after my LTR and was getting messed around by Mr Real Life, seeing him, ding stuff but not actually DTD and getting sexually frustrated, so I met up with these guys.
I was talking to them coz I was hoping they'd be looking for a relationship too but turns out they were just after one thing

PHOENIX Glad it's going well

Serial - no reason to defend yourself, no judgement here. Just wondered if these men were purely looking for a hook-up or if they were saying they actually wanted a relationship when in fact they didn't. I know profiles can lie.

As for being disgusted, you wouldn't have got them into bed so that's clearly not the case!!

Phoenix YAY! for a good date!

Serial - I agree - they can't be disgusted or they wouldn't have been getting into bed with you. I think there are a million reasons why people want to leave it at just one encounter, it is something we hear about again and again and it doesn't mean anything about your body - it's something about.... people.

I don't know a lot about dating but I do get the impression from hearing from others who are wiser that.... there is basically nothing you can do to prevent yourself being in the situation where sex happens and the event is not repeated. You can of course refuse to have sex (but then you don't get sex). Sex can be delayed.... but that isn't necessarily going ot make someone stick around. I think you need to stop beating yourself up about stuff (easier said than done!)

USER I think a lot of them out on their profiles that they're looking for a relationship even though they're not, just so it looks better than saying 'I'm only on here for a quick NSA shag!!' Lol
Even one of the guys I saw said in his profile that he was looking for a relationship but then told me he wasn't and just wanted to be buddies.
No wonder I can't get my head round this OLD malarkey!!! Lol

Thanks GRINCH I agree, there could be many reasons why they didn't want to see me again I just assumed they all had problems with me, which is why I'm so glad I found this thread.
I've lost count of the times I've been in tears over a guy but since being on here I realise that its not just me that it happens to and that had made me feel a lot better.
I've toughened myself up since being on here and have been sharpening my twat radar, just last night and this morning I had 2 guys message me that turned out to have fake pictures on their profiles (so glad I watch catfish and learnt the reverse image search trick!!)
Now that I'm more wise to the OLD etiquette I've been back on the dating sites to try out my new under investing strategies but seriously can't find anyone decent on there

Thanks Pavonia! I'll take a look at those sites.

Serial - I’m on the larger size too and I’m going to share something one of my best guy friends told me & it really changed the way I thought about my body & sex.

(And I quote...)

#1. Your clothes aren’t made of cryptonite. We can tell when we meet what size & shape you are. As long as you’re using recent, undoctored, photos we are not going to suddenly be surprised you’ve got an ass or a belly.

#2. If we’re undressing you then we’ve already decided to fuck you. We don’t give a shit if you have cellulite or stretch marks we’re just excited we’re getting laid. Please do not ruin it by apologising or putting your body down. We just chose to get make with that body - don’t tell us we made a bad choice!

All that out of the mouth of one of my hottest friends (and exes!)

Great post, Phoenix.

I have really thought a lot differently about bodies since been single and dating / slutting around. I really do think all bodies are great. I don't fancy them all but I don't fancy all people. but.... everyone's body is amazing and attractive when you are in that space of being attracted to that person's body. And it's made me relax a lot about my own. Hearing a man say "oh no, don't put your clothes on" - it doesn't mean he thinks my body is perfect - he means it's nice to hang out naked with someone you feel good with. I think (terrible hippy alert) we have it in us to appreciate all bodies, as we appreciate all trees. But men have that appreciation less damaged than women, as women are taught more thoroughly to hate ourselves. Men are much more relaxed about how different bodies are, than we are. In general. I think.

Good posts on bodies.

I think there are a fair amount of guys about who aren't really emotionally available. So they are out there, giving all the right lines but never having the intention of getting deeply involved. From the two guys I have seen this year, one was available, the other wasn't. I can feel the difference.

It still doesn't mean that the relationship is set in stone when they are available but you have a better chance of something good happening.

Good post Phoenix I have had men tell me that they prefer larger women. I'm a size ten and reasonably fit but I have really bad stretch marks from when I had kids (went from a size 8 to a 14 very quickly) and how ever much I work out I can't shift the cellulite on my ass. I hate my bum but it's always the first thing men comment on (apparently I have a sexy bum). Being slim doesn't seem to do me any favours, several men I have dated are now dating or married too much larger women. I really don't think men are too bothered what your body looks like when they are about to get mooseburger.

Thank you all so much for your messages abiut bodies and confidence.

PHOENIX great post and it's great to have a man's perspective. It makes sense that it's obvious what size we are and that our clothes won't fool them into thinking I'm a size 12 lol but the clothes do hide the stretch marks and the saggy boobs lol

LOVE I think you hit the nail on the head with yours, they probably don't care that much when they know they're getting mooseburgers.

Maybe I should relax a bit more about it.

BIDDY I think you're right about being emotionally unavailable, most of them are probably just looking for a quick look up and don't want to admit it on their profile. And I think you're right about being able to tell the difference when one of them does actually want a relationship, I imagine there's a lot more good signs than bad, like we all seem to keep getting

I agree Serial about the clothes thing, with my clothes on I look much better, my clothes hide my stretch marks and my baby tummy but I'm sure most men have seen it all before, realistically how many women don't have stretch marks and cellulite? Probably only people in magazines that have been photoshopped or are 17 years old?

Totally agree with you LOVE

And it just goes to show that what we think are bad features are not what other people see. You said you don't like your bum but yet other people think it's sexy.

I suppose all we can do is be ourselves, some people will like us for it and other people won't, maybe I should try not to get so hung up about it (easier said than done!) -they can either take me or leave me!! Lol

So another little update on Mr BBC. He is so lovely, so lovely I almost don't know how to deal with it lol. We met and went for dinner - kissed me properly hello, totally not awkward, held my hand, etc. We had a row to ourselves at the movie (Bladerunner 2049 which was very good!) All through the movie he was very tactile, a few kisses (nothing gross!) and then some mega kisses when he dropped me off at the tube. Before I'd even gotten home he had sent a message saying he'd had another lovely night and was eagerly awaiting Friday!

There's only one little 'but' and that's that physically he's totally not my usual type. I usually go for younger,muscular but lean guys (think swimmers bodies) and he's older and doesn't take as good care of himself. I'm guessing a huge part of that is living in a loveless, non-physical marriage for the last 3 years. I'm definitely attracted to him physically, and in our little fooling around last week he's an attentive, giving lover.

I'm wondering if we can literally have it all or if this is something we've been sold by shitty tv shows. Also I wonder if by having mostly purely sexual relationships for a few years it means you fixate on the physical much more because you know the rest of it won't be there anyway.

I'm definitely not going to look this gift horse in the mouth - it has been a very, very long time since a guy has looked at me like all his Christmases have come at once or was so clear in his affections. I guess I'm more needing to give myself a strict talking to remind myself that those guys with the insanely hot swimmers bods and abs I could eat off were never really that nice to me, that I need to stop being so shallow and let myself be comfortable with the discomfort of someone being nice to me. Does that make sense?

"I'm definitely attracted to him physically,"

This is important.

So what's missing? The aesthetic thrill? If the sexual is there?

So glad he's so lovely!

Anti - yes I think its the aesthetic thrill. Which I know is really shallow Sexually its there (I'll be able to report better on this after dinner and dancing tomorrow) but desire is definitely there. They aren't things that couldn't adapt or change either. I do think, having spent so long wanting a nice guy, I wasn't quite prepared for how different it is to a bad boy. I'm not going to be in a relationship with a bad guy, I want to be with a good guy and here's one who's fab so I need to STFU and live with the uncomfortableness.

Pheonix that's just about the best thing I've read lately! Your friend sounds great thanks for sharing.

Serial can't top the advice you've already had though I would say you should take the power back. It's not the bloke who gets to decide whether you're 'acceptable' or not, or whether things will progress to a relationship. What I read was that you weren't keen on second and third anyway... 50% of them weren't your cup of tea. It's a good stat.

Sorry I didn't manage a loo update last night. Mr Cartoon was great, a lot in common, laughed loads and he's super duper interesting. Sent him a nice text this morning but he hasn't replied cheeky fucker I'd see him again but just like with Mr Magician on Tuesday I went home and drunk called Mr Voice who in my defence seemed to quite like it. It's got to tell me something surely, that I keep wanting to do that? Possibly just that I'm a car crash who shouldn't be dating at the moment I have a second date with Mr Voice tonight, think I really like him but the timing's terrible. Feel like I'm dishonouring my marriage as it only ended 2 months ago but I feel it was dead for years anyway plus he was having an affair for 6 years. However... the plan to go suit shopping has changed but we're going for dinner and a walk by the river instead. He also suggested there'll be some kissing squee although I'm trying not to build said kissing up in my head which could lead to disappointment. Will attempt a loo update on the date and aforementioned kissing tonight!