The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Popcorn I have dated someone (just on and off meet ups) and sank when he met me the next day after the birthday and didn't even wished anything. Instead of that questioned why I went quiet... I genuinely couldn't open my mouth and tell him how pathetic he sounded.

That's why I'm saying that you sound very strong as a person. 💐

I was dating someone earlier this year near my birthday. His birthday was near mine, I remembered his,he didn't remember mine, I was upset, he really couldn't see what the problem was, we stopped dating.

So I have a date with Mr Mountain on Sunday, this is his last chance. He's acting super keen again, my gut feeling is that he was talking to someone else, maybe went on a date Sunday but it didn't go well which is why he's suddenly all keen again, he says he was ill. I'm not going to get my hopes up about the weekend, he may cancel again and Sundays a long way away.

Ok decided to set up an OLD profile. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Am talking to one via text. Half term commitments mean that I don't want to be talking to multiple people at the same time or I'll forget who's who. He seems really nice and is keen. But he's at work when I'm free and he's free when I'm at work. We have a strict no phones policy at work, mobiles must be left in our lockers. He can text on his breaks at work but I'm usually asleep. It's a pain but one he will experience with most girls so it shouldn't put him off should it? Especially as he's the one with the awkward hours!

I got a "happy birthday" off Sexting Man when I had completely forgotten I had told him when my birthday was

It was decisive

[sob]

Birthdays are really important.
I’m hoping he remembers yours Popcorn. Happy Birthday from me!

Thanks purple.

Honestly, we're all so nice, why can't we find anyone to love us?

And thanks too smeaton; it's good to have a man's perspective on this and I do agree - it takes nothing to add a quick reminder to a phone. Probably why it hurts that he didn't.

I think some people don't see birthdays as being hat important, not me though, I like a bit of a fuss on my birthday (though I rarely get it), it doesn't take much to wish someone a happy birthday.

Just had a weird message on Tinder from a man who I thought looked ok/normal.
I'm pretty sure the message was for someone else as it was the 2nd half of a conversation about a Dom/sub situation. It's was pretty dirty, I unmatched him straight away. Not what I want to read when I have just woken up .

Bonfire - doesn’t sound to me like that will work. Not necessarily what he’ll get with other girls but that’s not the point - is that what you want??

Be discerning from the start & it will help eliminate some of the potential for disaster.

Re: birthdays If it’s going to upset you I would def mention it. He’s not psychic. As Love said birthdays aren’t a big deal to some people, unless you’ve told him that birthdays are important to you & they make you happy then I don’t think you can be cross really. Also I think it depends what sort of daters you are at 6 weeks in. If it’s been only 6/8 dates in that time he might be less likely to remember, if it’s been 12+ hopefully you’ve been clear what’s important to you.

And Popcorn - happy birthday from me! 🍰🥂🎂🎉🎁

Phoenix it's not so much that it's massively important to me, but surely wishing happy birthday isn't too much to ask for?

I'd say happy birthday to a stranger if they mentioned it to me!

And it's been a lot of dates, about 3 a week including lots of sleepovers at both houses.

Then he should definitely say happy birthday at the least. But, and here’s the tough question, do you want to be with him? If he’s not affectionate & not thoughtful?? Even if he does wish you happy birthday is it enough?

I was a lurker on this thread a couple of years ago although rarely posted ( when I did I got excellent advice though!)

I met my MrComputer on tinder 18 months ago and we are still going strong. I have noticed a bit of despondency on the thread recently and I can't tell you how many times i got my hopes up and then thoroughly dashed, ghosted, cancelled on and arsed around completely! It was hideous! Part of the reason I still read the thread is because I am silently championing you all not to give up because there ARE decent ones out there, hell you've even got some on the thread!!

Please please don't give up! I'm not sure how much use this is but my OH told me that the main reason he was attracted to me is because I mentioned morals, values and a hope to find someone with similar ones rather than listing hobbies, physical preferences and twee quotes!

Just think of every hurdle as one jumped on the race to the winning competitor! You are the prize!

Morning all!!

Happy Birthday POPCORN

I haven't posted for a while as I've had nothing to report, all going rubbish and now I'm feeling sorry for myself lol

I got messed around by my Mr Submariner and now am not contacting him but will deal with the situation if he decides to contact me. Also think I've been given a lame excuse by my Mr Real Life, so we'll and truly fed up. The kids are at my parents til Saturday so have loads of kid free time and absolutely no sodding plans

Been on POF and OKC, both seem to be a pile of shite, same old faces and people only after one thing. Got contacted by 2 catfishes in less than 24 hours

What I don't understand and MRS LANNISTER mentioned this is that how come we have a fairly big thread of people with decent values and morals yet we can't seem to find anyone like that in OLD or RL!!!! lol.

We should start our own OLD for decent people who don't ghost and who have morals lol

mrs lannister thanks for your post, I needed to read something like that as I'm getting totally frustrated at OLD right now. Seems to be full of people flaking at the last minute, ghosting & people just arsing around. It's nice to know there's decent ones out there.

I think OLD has changed a lot over the years. I remember being on it around 2011/2012 and there weren't as many ghosters/people just generally mucking around. I remember meeting pretty much everyone I ended up chatting to. Nowadays there seems to be massive hurdles to overcome before a date takes place.

I've no real update. Have sent out a few initial messages but nothing amazing to report.

Popcorn Happy birthday. I was in an awkward situation with the last guy I dated as it was my birthday when we had only been on two or three dates. I didn't know whether to tell him as I didn't want him to think I expected anything but then again I didn't want to keep it a secret either. I mentioned it to him in message when I was telling him my plans for the week. He didn't wish me a happy birthday or ask me if I had a nice day or anything. I let it go at the time as it was very early days but with hindsight I do think that most people in that situation would send a happy birthday message or ask about it. I stopped seeing him in the end because he wasn't meeting my emotional needs and I probably should have heeded the signs sooner.

In other news: I went speed dating at the weekend. I ticked yes to three people and got one yes match and one friend match, which I was happy with. The frustrating thing is that messaged the yes match and he hasn't replied. Given that he has met me and ticked yes I just don't get why he wouldn't at least reply. I understand that there may have been other women that he preferred and men tick more people than women do, but he seemed a nice guy. It seems crazy that he wouldn't reply even to make an excuse that he's busy etc. I guess he may yet reply (but I know that he read the message yesterday) but I do believe that if someone is genuinely interested they would reply fairly quickly.

PAVONIA It just goes to show that RL dating can be just a fickle and depressing as OLD lol.

I was under the impression that OLD sucks and that I should hold out til I meet a man in RL and everything will be a lot better but I've been messed around by a guy in RL so much so that if I hadn't actually met him in the flesh I would swear he was a catfish with the amount of messing around he's done lol.

What was the speed dating like, was it nerve wracking and awkward?

Pav - he came across like a nice guy to get ticks so he had wider choices. Doesn’t mean he IS a nice guy.

But, on the topic of nice guys seems Mr BBC is one. Date #2 tonight & he’s already sent me a message confirming the time & telling me he’s really looking forward to seeing me.

I do have a weeeee dilemma though - interested in your thoughts. I’ve double booked myself on Friday. With him & for a friend’s birthday drinks (big group) - do you think it’s cheeky if I try to do both? It might mean meeting him later as drinks don’t start till 8. Don’t want him to feel like a booty call but I have so few childfree nights I also want to take advantage of it!

Phoenix Maybe if you just pop in to your friend's drinks and then meet Mr BBC at 9 it would be OK? Any later than that and it's probably a bit off. Good point about seeming nice, I guess everyone can be on their best behaviour for 4 minutes!

Serial the speed dating was fine. Each "date" is so short that that it isn't really possible for it to get too awkward. All the men there were presentable and I tend to think that if someone has paid for an event and given up their evening to it then they are more serious than many of the people online. The women that I spoke to were nice too.

Happy birthday Popcorn

A question - I am dating a nice guy - all seems alright (even if I have my wobbles). We both have a kid each but I get the impression he would want more. But I am in my mid 40s so not sure my fertility is working anymore. Do I need to have a chat with him about this? I don't want to fall in love and then not meet the requirements.

Grinch - I know what you mean. If you find someone you can safely explore hot sex with it's quite good to hang onto them! Anything else from him since your birthday text? (and did you have a nice birthday?)

Love good luck on Sunday. Hopefully you'll know either way if he's serious or not. Would you feel able to ask him outright?

Had a great date with Mr Magician last night. His profile didn't do him justice. He was really fun and even did a magic trick on me (had a pack of cards in his pocket and a meteorite in his bag?!) Did have magician-y hands at times but much more handsome IRL. I thought I might ask to see him again but went home and ended up speaking to Mr Voice from midnight until 2am I've totally overinvested but it seems mutual. Wrong time for me only 2 months on from divorce, but there is a connection there. Plus the chat is hotting up somewhat! (considering we only had one very tame peck on the first date) Seeing him on Thursday. Mr Cartoon tonight! I'll try and do a loo update.

Having a fun week... taking my mind off fact exH moved out on Saturday.

COUCH good luck with the date tonight!!

I don't know how you guys are getting so many dates, when I go on OLD there's no one even remotely possible for a date lol
I was chatting to a guy on and off on OKC but there's been no mention of meeting up yet and if I'm honest it scares me quite a but to think about going out on an actual date as the last few were clearly just mooseburgers from.the start so there was no actual date as such.
I think I'm so deflated by the whole OLD thing but I really do miss having the interaction and conversation with someone, I think I'm a people person and like chatting with people and in my head i would love a relationship but in reality my confidence is not very high and it scares the shit out of me really

Couch Sounds busy! Have fun!

Serial You could mention meeting up with the guy you are chatting too. I get annoyed if it's too much talking. You can always have a brief date - like coffee - to see how things go. It takes the pressure off.

Popcorn - happy birthday!

Couch - good luck with the date.
Mr Sexting - I whinge about him endlessly, I'm afraid, I think he got back with his ex (was he ever not with his ex?) I think he's a bit of a scumbag and I think things are open for me to make some kind of re-approach there but I am NOT going to because this is hard enough - I miss him like hell - and getting involved AGAIN with someone who isn't really single will just get worse in the end. It happened before and like a fool I believed him when he came back. The second chance was one too many; there won't be a third. I MISS HIM

Pavonia - where was the speed dating?! I vaguely looked for some but could see no mention of any anywhere - I think I just assumed that it no longer existed because of all the apps. Glad to hear that it's still going. Sorry it didn't work out for you this time (though it still might? He may still message?)

Serial - what is your confidence not high about? Relationships? Doesn't sound like meeting people scares you?

As so many on this thread have said, how are there so many nice people on here and so many shits in the world?

I went on a date last night and met someone who didn't rock my world but he's nice and I think I'll see him again if he'd like. He's not from this country and he's going back home soon to visit for a cousin's wedding. He said "and to see my wife and ten children of course" - which was a joke. Not funny!

(what does it mean? I do finally believe that he isn't married with children - at his age he'd have struggled to fit in 10 of them anyway - but I can't shake this Freudian sense that people are telling you something when they say things like that. That his real family and ties are in his home country and while in the UK he's only playing? Maybe - that's fair enough)

Anti - guess what I’m going to say... YOU’RE OVERTHINKING IT! It might have been a joke, might have been true but 1 date isn’t going to tell you much about someone who’s ok-ish. Also you really need to stop let Mr Sexting take up so much space in your head. I know this is hard to hear but he’s not thinking about you at all. He’s moved on. He’s not torturing you or stringing you along any more - you’re doing that to yourself! Every time you think of him counter that with the thought that if he was a bad guy & you deserve better!! Hopefully soon enough you’ll believe it!!