The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

[Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

I'm Muslim by birth. Non practising... But culture dictates a lot..
So I haven't been involved so far...
Parents had a check list before, I don't care about that check list any more...

Thank you Been
Have been warned here that he is not a nice person and you just confirmed it again.

Inexperienced don't take too much of what a lot of these OLD guys say at face value. Sadly I suspect some of the low life types will probably see you as a "challenge" and will work very hard to get you into bed. Don't engage with this guy any further. I wouldn't go near someone who said these things to me. You say you like him. What makes you like him?

OMG Smeaton 🤢

Oh dear I totally agree with Smeaton.

Inexperienced, I am a little worried that you ask what is "normal" as if that is what you should do. Nothing is normal, everything is normal, you should do what you feel happy with. Seriously, if there is a voice in your head wondering "Would other women do this, so should I?" you aren't listening clearly enough to your instincts. Try to really tune into what you want to do.

that might mean taking things very slowly (not that you should necessarily). I am not from your background and I have been dating since I was 17. (with serious relationships in between, I mean!) My first boyfriend was 17 like me and every inexperienced like me. We were best friends experimenting with kissing and other stuff for ages. I am a bit (a lot!) quicker to be ready to take a man's trousers off now but I've grown into this.

On the other hand you might meet someone who makes you just want to go for it - which is great - but you have to want it. For you.

I can't understand what you like about this guy, he sounds he is pressuring you. what is nice about him? Not because I think you should continue to see him - but because talking about your responses might be helpful when you're meeting the next guy

Also - as I thought I had done but hadn't really - you should know exactly what you want to get from dates - a boyfriend / relationship, or something else. Many many years ago (when I was 17 - 30 years ago, OUCH) it seemed to me that everyone was looking for a relationship and if someone asked you out or kissed you, that is what they meant. It might or might not work out but that is what they were going for.
Now I think that's the exception. If a guy asked me for coffee in 1988 I would think "maybe he wants to be my boyfriend!" If a guy asks me for coffee today I think "maybe he wants to have sex with me"

inex I think as Smeaton is spot on and even if he's not spot on it sounds like your Iron is not for you. I enjoy sex but would not say that to a iron . It does sound like he's a piss head who's addicted to sex, he's likely to sleep around and pester you for sex, do you really want that?

Inexperienced - I think you were shocked by what Smeaton said but he’s 100% right. This guy is belittling you & your feelings & trying to walk all over your boundaries.

I agree with the question “why do you like him?” Is it that he’s paying you attention? Because that’s never enough but it’s a common trap to fall into. You might need to spend some time asking yourself what it is you want. In the past (when I was less experienced) I actually made a list of behaviours & traits that were important to me. Kindness, checking to make sure I got home ok, smart, funny, etc. Then I literally could compare guys to the list to make sure I wasn’t getting sucked in.

If I could make a suggestion, I wouldn’t start with the apps. You might want to look at eharmony for example, the process is slower, the matches are based on profiling & just the process of filling in the questionnaire might make you think about what you want. Yes it’s a paid site, but I think given your lack of experience (& lack of honing your gut to the dickhead factor) it might be a safer ride for you. There are loads of predatory guys on Tinder, PoF, etc, just looking for a girl like you.

Thank you for all the support, I will take all on board. 💐

I was on Eharmony for 6-9months and actually it's not different from POF... Don't want to offence anyone here who thinks differently but I did come across very strange people there... But I will see, maybe I will have luck if I sign up again.
At the moment I'm on POF, don't give my number and call myself from no caller ID. If I don't like the conversation or a person's voice, I don't meet them.
Met someone 5 times, on the second date he wanted to walk me home... I refused. He insisted, I refused again and again... He then said he won't impose himself on me... I cut him off after a month of dates and phone conversations as I couldn't understand what exactly he wanted from me.
Met someone once, no attraction but very soft spoken and attentive man; and yes he did ask if I reached home safety. Waited for me for 40 min as I was late due to train delays... And he accepted my refuse normally with a kind message back...
Does it seem I have met normal and a bit abnormal people?

I'm not on tinder, just don't like it.

What I'm scared of is getting into hands of someone who will use me for sex and dump me afterwords. So trying to be very cautious, as much as I can.

Thank again to everyone 💐

Inex Do you mind me asking how old you are and whereabouts in the country you are? I think that plays a lot into which sites have more weirdos, lol.

Those examples of guys you mentioned all seem normal enough but that doesn't mean that they are what you want. After 5 dates what did you want that you didn't get from that guy? Do you know what you want?

As far as someone using you for sex, I hate to say it but there is a possibility this will happen. As we've discussed on these threads before if a guy really wants to get you into bed then he'll wait 2/3/4/5 dates to do so, all the while convincing you he's really into you. There are a lot of good guys out there (and just because a guy wants sex doesn't in any way make him a bad guy) but there are also plenty of guys who want one thing whilst pretending they want something else. I'm not sure how you can truly protect yourself from that, whilst being open enough to let something develop. Definitely trust your gut and keep asking questions, don't let anyone push you into something you don't want, find your voice and push back if you need to.

Hello all - I've been away and lost the thread of happenings. It seems 'Escortgate' has subsided though which is good.

Hi inexperienced you've had sound advice on here. Find someone who respects you for you.

Love what is Mr Mountain's deal I wonder... What's the latest?

Little update on me: after having nothing doing for a while I'm having a flurry of dates this week.

There's Mr Voice; he's lovely and bloody beautiful. Epic first date last week. Very skilled at conversation especially impressive at English isn't his native language, and hurrah he's able to talk about his feelings which my exH never could emotionally retarded. Seeing him on Thursday. He asked me if I'd give him advice on buying a suit sometime and given that I feel it's the female equivalent of taking a man lingerie shopping it'll be our second date

There's also Mr Magician who I'm seeing for a drink tonight. He's older, hilarious but no spark. Then Mr Cartoon on Wednesday - lots in common.

Things with Mr HNL have died a death but have made my peace with it. Managed not to drunk text him the other day #winning

Couch - your Mr HNL might be my Mr Sexting except you're handling it a lot better than me.
He wasn't the first guy I hooked up with since the end of my LTR but he was the first one that I had a connection with and GODDAMN I miss him.

I am seeing someone else tonight and really hoping that there will be something to distract me there!

The trouble is there is something about the word play that this guy - and no other guy I am talking to at the moment - has. I really need that verbal spark

I'm pretty blue actually. I am bored at work, not feeling physically great, generally feeling like my life is sort of missing a centre. I really really miss him and I know he isn't the solution to everything but he was a bloody good distraction

Hello everyone. I've posted on here before and am following you all with the interest reserved for someone who is also wading through OLD and trying not to overinvest.

Have posted a few times before and could do with some advice please.

Don't want to start my own thread because people who haven't done OLD don't understand the massive minefield we negotiate wrt text frequency, DTD, ghosting etc and I know to mention birthdays after a 6 week 'relationship' would result in me getting shot down because it's not a relationship/I shouldn't be grabby/etc.

Anyway - six weeks in, his birthday two weeks ago and I bought a card, bottle of wine and made a cake. My birthday tomorrow and I KNOW he has forgotten.

So do I mention it? If so, how? I am a little sad he's forgotten; but my family do make a thing of birthdays and I know his family don't, so it may not register to him as important. I have mentioned it, as recently as last week, but he's not mentioned seeing me tomorrow and he has other plans for the weekend so nothing there either.
Don't want to cause an issue if there is none, but as I said I am a little

WWYD?

Hi there Popcorn er if you’ve followed the thread then I think I you can probably guess what I’m going to say... after six weeks he should be sweeping you off your feet. If birthdays and thoughtfulness matter to you then you need someone who is thoughtful and who recognises your birthday. He won’t change. He’ll just become more thoughtless I’m afraid. I’m a toughie on this sort of stuff though and I’d be showing him the door.

I know that deep down been, was just hopeful of this one because we got off to a great start.

I was going to be taken on a trip for my birthday, know I got carried away and believed it. Also know I'm flogging a dead horse really, but I so don't want to be.

Grinch

...generally feeling like my life is sort of missing a centre. I really really miss him and I know he isn't the solution to everything but he was a bloody good distraction

Ain’t that the truth Grinch. It’s real willpower stuff sometimes not to contact the Mr Unsuitables who will ultimately make me feel worse. I would die of happiness to have recent ex sitting next to me right now, holding my hand, making me laugh. Then I force myself to remember that he’d have a drink in his hand, that he’d be vaping, telling me half truths about his day, that he’d be moaning about this and that. It is so bloody tempting though!

It's so horrible isn't it, that nagging feeling that something has changed but you don't know why.
We talk every evening and he's shared personal things with me, sometimes I believe he cares, but he's the least affectionate man I've ever know, verbally and physically, and recently it's bothered me. And the birthday thing will probably finish me off.

Trying to cling to something that isn't there is one thing I am trying to change; feel like giving up completely now though.

Popcorn maybe he’s planning a surprise and the busy weekend is part of a ruse to make you think he’s forgotten? Fingers crossed

I know that feeling only too well Popcorn and I’ve never got it wrong. It’s just awful.

Would love to be back here tomorrow been, saying you were right.
But I have a very strong feeling I won't be

It really is awful. I don't know if it's the sadness that something has ended, or the thought you need to get back on the OLD horse.
Whatever it is, I do try and listen to my gut now. It's still painful, and I don't react as quickly as I should do yet, but at least I'm not spending two years on a dead relationship, creating memories that weren't really there and pretending everything was okay not anymore anyway

Not been on for ages, I've a profile on okc and not really been bothering as I can't afford to do anything but free membership. Eg I've 53 people who like me but I can't see who they are.

One guy seemed interesting but has vanished on me after just a few messages so I can't have been v interesting to him, hey ho.

Just had a message today that frankly was the kind of message I'd expect on a casual sex site! And even then if it was first message I'd block!

What am I doing wrong? What are the do's and dont's of profiles on dating apps?

I tried pof in the past but found the guys on there only wanted sex. Nothing wrong with that but I want to know the right apps to hopefully avoid that idea?

Popcorn you are actually very strong. 👍💐
I wouldn't be able to handle it to be honest.
Happy Birthday in advance.

Also someone I know is coming up on my matches as a good match and I'd love to date her but I don't think she fancies me. If I swipe left I'm lying if I swipe right I'm admitting I like her which could be awkward next time that group of friends meets up...

Thank you inexperiencedchick

There's so much support on here, although it really can be so upsetting when things go wrong, just knowing there are others in the same boat makes a real difference.