Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

999 replies

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 06/10/2017 15:31

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
NikiBabe · 23/10/2017 11:48

I had a fling with someone I met on tinder last year. Nothing came of it.

I accidentally liked his profile again on tinder. I didn't recognise him as the new photo looked very different, new hairstyle, no glasses on, etc. I was swiping so fast i didnt notice it was him. He liked me back and sent me a nice message this morning.

Hmm. Do i go.in for another round.

PhoenixMama · 23/10/2017 11:51

Niki - was it good? Are you up for moose burgers?

NikiBabe · 23/10/2017 12:05

He was nice to talk to although arrogant. Nice dates. He paid everything. Not great sex but room for improvement.

What's a moose burger?

Lovemusic33 · 23/10/2017 12:41

Mooseburger = sex

NikiBabe · 23/10/2017 12:48

Well yeah. I havent had any this year. Why not.

PhoenixMama · 23/10/2017 15:03

I’ve had lovely messages from BBC. Call booked in for later. What are your favourite second date ideas? Not sure I just want to do drinks & dinner again.

NikiBabe · 23/10/2017 15:04

Walk. Weather permitting? Museum, gallery?

MyUsername200 · 23/10/2017 15:29

Phoenix I would go for something like a walk if the weather is good, museum or an art gallery if you're into that. Somewhere where you can talk most definitely. Sounds positive though. Grin

MyUsername200 · 23/10/2017 15:29

My ideas are the same as Niki's I've just noticed. [Grin]

NikiBabe · 23/10/2017 15:33

Great minds myusername200!

RandallPMcMurphy · 23/10/2017 16:02

Well....after a weekend counting bluebottles on my window sill and throwing my Iron Man slippers at Louis Walsh on the telly, I've decided to try POF again.

Already I can feel my heart sinking, the same faces are still on there, the same photos with super imposed antlers, horns, fairy's wand etc..

The same " if you wanna (sic) know more..just ask" aargh !

Funnily enough I'm listening to a discussion on polygamous relationships on LBC
polygamous! I can't even find one ha ha.

I'm off to Battersea to get myself a rescue dog, 2 cats, a budgie called Tom, 2 lop eared Rabbits called Cheryl and Liam and one of them Doll like things you can get from China!!!

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 23/10/2017 20:21

Phoenix I'm just pontificating on your message frequency question. I dislike poor quality messages like "how are you", "how's your day going?" etc. I think some people equate those with someone being into them whereas I think it's a quick and easy (read lazy) way of keeping you on the hook. I'd rather have a funny informative message occasionally or nothing. I hate being messaged at work too and am sure I'm in the minority. I tend to equate frequent nothingy messages with insincerity. As a relationship evolves then so does the messaging and general communication but I think in the first couple of months (and especially post-DTD) it's too easy to think the frequency of someone's messages indicate sincere interest whereas I think it's just noise at the start. Was that perspective useful at all or just thread noise again Grin

OP posts:
AntiGrinch · 23/10/2017 20:27

I don't like being texted at work either - partly because if you have a convention where you don't bother each other at work, it gives you headspace; and also tends to raise the bar on quality of messaging in the evenings or other times.

I've got a date tomorrow. Nice friendly young chap. I'm trying to think of somewhere to go that will make me look like I ever go out and have the faintest clue :) Taking my mind off things...

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 23/10/2017 20:36

Well get you Grinch!

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 23/10/2017 21:35

Well, Mr Mountain messaged and now I'm even more confused. Apparently he was ill yesterday and spent the day in bed (not sure if this is just an excuse).

AntiGrinch · 23/10/2017 22:06

Oh god Love I so feel your pain with the confusion.

I'm trying not to overinvest in the date tomorrow but wondering what to wear.... is jeans ok? Nice new jeans, brogues, a blousey top (for a slightly smart pub - but pub not bar). Or would he be expecting me to look more like....a woman? That's ageing though right.... being ultra feminine is very middle aged....? unless that's your look and you do it in a fresh way - ARGH

Inexperiencedchick · 23/10/2017 22:22

Grinch I went on a first date in jeans...

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 23/10/2017 22:26

I can't imagine not wearing jeans on a first date!

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 23/10/2017 22:32

What do you usually ask/talk about on a first date? And is it normal/expected to stay at his/hers after a date?
What is the speed for it?
I have to date someone properly in order to think about intimacy, so genuinely don't know how to react...

PhoenixMama · 23/10/2017 22:57

Grinch I would only wear jeans if I was wearing heels and a very dressy top. I had lunch with a couple of guy friends on the weekend and they both complained about women turning up on dates looking like they didn't care and being overly casual. We're in London though so might be different.

Inexperienced Only staying over if its just sex or if their bag gets stolen but generally if you're staying over you don't care that much about seeing them again. A lot of guys are going to try and charm you into bed - don't fall for it. As far as conversation, I tend to talk about anything and everything (nothing's off the table for me).

My date on Friday we talked about: our families, childhoods, food, films, books, tv, how we ended up in our careers, our kids, our previous relationships, favourite restaurants, politics, where we've travelled, pop culture, mental illness and how annoying our mothers could be.

The pace should be comfortable. If its good I think it feels like you're meeting a friend. Sometimes it feels more like its about being impressive. Remember you are auditioning them as much as they are with you. Be chilled and protect yourself. Don't do or talk about anything you don't want to.

Love WTF. What is he up to? I think I you really need to put on your big girl pants and ask him straight up what's going on and what he wants. You're avoiding the convo but you're not going to get any answers one way or another like that. Otherwise its just torture.

Had an hour long chat with Mr BBC tonight and he had me laughing for most of it. Weds confirmed for dinner and cinema. He made it pretty clear that he had a fab time on Friday and can't wait to see me again, which is actually really bloody lovely!

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 23/10/2017 23:14

Inexperienced just go at your speed in terms of kissing and anything further. You can be in control of the timing and just because you go on a date with someone doesn't mean you owe them a single thing. I wouldn't put myself in a position whereby I had to stay with someone after a first date. Statistically the chances of you actually wanting to get physical with him once you've met are pretty low. Some women have sex on date 1 some on date 2 or 3 and some wait much longer. Listen to your instinct and don't be rushed into anything. Oh and if he says you should do x because everyone does it then thank him for the invitation and get the fuck out of there.

Love take those big girl pants that Phoenix is waving at you and have the chat or dump.

Phoenix that all sounds lovely with Mr BBC.

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 23/10/2017 23:15

Phoenix thank you for all that...

If you remember I write about someone recently. What he said was: "You are not the one I would usually go for. But there is something about you which I like. if you agree to open up, then we can see each other..." Open up means I'm very reserved and closed person. Not sure if he was genuine or a player... doesn't look like one...

Inexperiencedchick · 23/10/2017 23:18

"I drink, sex is important to me. You are complete the opposite. I can't change myself. If you agree to open up, then we can see each other..."

I just don't know.

I like him.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 23/10/2017 23:21

inexperienced are you from a traditionally conservative culture? I'm just asking because that might make you more susceptible to some of the nonsense that some OLD guys come out with. That guy you just described does not sound genuine to me I'm afraid.

OP posts:
userxx · 23/10/2017 23:24

Inexperienced - block him! He's giving you an ultimatum, this is not nice behaviour, this is red flag behaviour.