The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Help me stay strong ladies, I'm not going to text Mr Mountain, he hasn't text me today and I doubt he will unless I text first ( been like this the past couple of days ), if he was interested he would message first right? So tonight I am not messaging him. I need to keep busy and not cave in.

You're right Love. He's been fading for a while in all honesty. Don't waste the brain and heart-space on him. Start weaning yourself off of his contact tonight. He's going to go anyway so YOU make the decision that he's gone tonight. .

love hate when you have to resist! Can you delete his number? Or is that one step too far?

I’ve just messaged one guy who went a bit awol mid-week, he replied straight away... ‘I was going to message you...’ - what does that actually mean?

I’d rather get ghosted than intermittent half-arsed messages!

It hard , I was the first to message him last night and he responds quickly, the night before I came home from work and didn't bother messaging him, he didn't bother messaging me. Unless he sets another date I just can't be bothered messaging him and if he doesn't message me then he really isn't that interested. If I don't hear from him in the next day or two I will block and move on.

You can do it Love!

I hate that feeling. I'm really rubbish at it. Here for handholding!

love so tricky!

Sounds similar to where I am right now ... confusing!!!

Hope he comes to his senses. Good luck

I'm hoping he messages but I think deep down I know he won't. It's happened to me so many times but doesn't get any easier,

you can do it Love. Yes it's tough.

Phoenix - I did take a long time off! I thought it was enough. Ex and I separated well over a year ago and he moved out just before Xmas 16. I thought I was good to go :( I guess not.

Although although .... one of the things that went "wrong" with this guy was (this is one way of looking at it) I wasn't available enough. You could say although he lost interest that it actually went right - I was asserting my right to do what I want and need with my very limited free time. One of the things I am incredibly protective of is my friendships. I don't have a lot of time but I will put a lot of my minimal free time into good friends. So... although I am unreasonably cut up right now you could see this as all about me making healthy choices, accepting the consequences and just.... whinging a bit too much about the consequences!

anyway I do feel a bit better today and I do appreciate all the handholding from you lot.

Thanks everyone x

I went on a date today and just had such a horrible uneasy feeling about him. I managed to get away and was actually shaking when I got back to my car!

Suzuki glad you managed to get away, was it just a bad vibe he was giving off? Or was his behaviour making you feel uneasy? Hope your ok xx

That's sounds awful. What did he do to make you uneasy or was it just his vibes?

Grinch you have been beating yourself up too much. Don't focus on the fact that you think you were too unavailable. I suspect the outcome wouldn't have been different if you had been more available in all honesty. You both need to be in the right place in terms of what you're looking for and then you need compatible existing commitments in terms of work, family, friends, MN and compatible baggage. I'm more and more certain of that as I bumble along but I do feel I'm much more focussed about what I need to ask him early on and what I'm ultimately looking for.

You were ready. Breaking up with someone you like hurts so you just have to navigate the process. The alternative is unthinkable for me - I'd rather make an informed decision to get hurt than shut myself off from possibly finding my mate. You went into it with your eyes open thinking you could do something akin to an FWB but it turns out you're probably not equipped for that - you want more than that and you want exclusivity. You have to use this experience to fine tune what you're looking for, fine tune your fact finding and 'interview' technique and get back out there once you feel emotionally ready. Oh and relish the fact that you loved the sex and so did he

Suzuki were you in a public place when you met? I'm glad you listened to your instincts and got away. I sometimes wonder if too many people ignore instincts in order to be polite.

I have no idea! I kind of had a weird vibe though messaging him, but thought that was me being cautious and decided to just meet him and see what he was like in person. He was really nice. Very polite, funny etc... but I have just never felt like that about a person before. I really really didn't like him and I couldn't wait to get away from him!

Thanks Phoenix, I'm really excited about my new job! It's a much needed confidence boost for me.

I really like this guy, I'm just over-thinking (I think) everything because I like him so much and am nervous about how things are going to go, ie. will I end up with a broken heart? We've had a difficult and frustrating week, me trying to be "nice" and not vent my irritation about things because it's "too soon" to get arsey with him, him being confused and hurt when I do get irritated.

Atm I feel worried that I may have messed things up by letting him see my irritation, trying not to message him "good night" as I usually do because it will make me feel good if he messages me first (like he did last night), but equally afraid he won't (both our days have been very busy). I'm away this week so I won't see him all week, which is adding to my insecurity......and if I message him, he may not reply.....somebody shoot me, lol.

Glad you are ok suzuki.

Oakley - I won't shoot you, but I will feel your pain.

Been, others said I was beating myself up too much too. It's a habit! have to stop it

Yer Anti - stop beating yourself up!! Your availability was perfectly alright. I dated a guy with no kids who seemed to have less time than me. What matters is that both of you can make time for each other without making your life stressful. Once or twice a week is fine to begin with - once a relationship is settled then you can negotiate a bit more.

Oakley It' so hard how to get the right balance with texting, talking, etc... I try and think what would I normally do. Like if I was chatting to a friend. I have also had those feelings of wondering if I've messed up because I've said how I feel about things. The problem is that throws doubts in your mind and eats the positives of the relationship. And when your mind is not in a good place, you zap all of the fun out of dating.

Step back and let him chase you. Give it a deadline. If nothing happens, then get rid of him.

Thanks Anti for not shooting me, lol. Now you must learn to not beat yourself up! It's unanimous on here now

Suzuki what you felt with him was your gut instinct kicking in - no matter how nice and polite he seemed on the surface, you trusted your instinct and my bet is you were absolutely 100% right. Glad you're ok.

Biddy I caved in last night (had had a drink or two) and text him good night. He replied and said he'd just found out his sister needed tests for a potentially serious illness and he was gutted. Now I feel guilty for stressing about something as trivial as frequency of messages, but said I would be there for him.

I'm away for five days so won't see him or be on here till Friday, so we'll see what the week brings.

Keep strong everybody!

Ok folks - I’m going to need a bit of hand holding this week. This is where I fall down massively. That point between an eager first date & getting settled into seeing each other regularly is where my mind goes mental. I know it’s such early days, and I know he’s into me. Why can’t I enjoy this? Why do I focus on all the things that I think are wrong with me &/or could go wrong?

He’s not quite the prolific messager that I am (and I know some of you have pointed out you hate messaging all day) but why can’t I just chill with it. I’m seeing him on Weds ffs. (And he was clear what days he was available, I chose weds over tonight, he’s clear he wants to see me again, etc). Is it that I’ve just been let down so many times I can’t trust it? Or is it something wrong with me I can fix?

I've been lurking and not posting for a while as I have no real updates. Went on two dates with MrTall and haven't heard from him since I sent a 'really enjoyed myself would love to meet again' text last Thursday so he's probably ghosted me. Didn't think he would but there you go.
I'm actually not that bothered any more as it seems to happen every single time.

Suzu glad you listened to your gut instinct and got away safely.

love I think I'd just block and delete mr mountain. He doesn't seem that bothered about contacting you which is shitty but consider it a bullet dodged.

phoenix I am the same as you, just can't relax, I over think everything and concentrate on the bad points rather than the good.

Mr Mountain didn't message last night (as expected) it's still doing my head in, why is everything so cmplecated, why does he seem so keen when I message him first but when I wait for him to message me it doesn't happen? It just makes me angry. I had to stop myself messaging him this morning, really wanted to message saying 'obviously your not that interested, good look and goodbye' but I stopped myself. I am working tonight so at least that will stop me from messaged no him. I'm not sure wether to sign back up to POF just to take my mind off of him and to remind me that there are other men interested (I always get loads of messages even if most are from weirdos, gives me a confidence boost) but another part of me is thinking 'I'm just not up for this dating lark' . I can't seem to find anyone Local on any of the dating sites.

Love it's hard isn't it? I really dislike the 'does he like me?' games I have in the past played in my own head and it can really affect your confidence if someone suddenly changes from hot to cold.

Getting back out there is good, it really does remind you there's loads of new men to meet and I always find finding a new iron takes my mind off any previous ones & gives me a good confidence boost if things go well . On the other hand taking a break is also good. I find OLD burns me out very quickly, I can never stay longer than a couple months before I need a break from it all.

I'm always taking breaks, I find it hard work, I get a huge amount of messages at first but only around 10% are dateble (live close enough, don't smoke, own a car and don't live their parents). I usually go on there for a few weeks and then hide my profile as it all gets too much. I don't really have any other irons right now so nothing to keep my mind off of Mr Mountain. I'm thinking that maybe he has met someone else or has just lost interest, would be nice if he could tell me but it never seems to work like that. TBH my texts to him have been pretty boring as I have got to the stage where there's not much to say unless he sorts another date.

I might sign back up to POF at the end of the week, I have the weekend off work and would love a date for Sunday rather than spending a day on my own.