The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

@Smeaton the town centre is closed to traffic. I will always be on foot.

Thanks Smeaton

I now remember he was asking how many guys did I meet?
Did ask if I go clubbing and said I'm not missing much for not going to clubs. To be honest I liked him, but didn't say that as he was after something else... Shame thought...

Hi all, well after chatting to Mr Stylish all week we have arranged to meet tonight at 6pm. We seem to have quite a lot in common and I’m nervously excited. I’m just hoping he doesn’t call it off.

He has been messaging several times a day and did message yesterday morning but then nothing from him all day. This is the first date in 17 years and yep I’ve become totally and utterly over invested after convincing myself I was happier alone.

Also decided that if this comes to nothing I’m pulling off POF. I find it incredibly depressing, have had so many messages but so many creepy blokes. May be better off trying a paid site in the hope of fewer idiots??

Bored hope your date goes well. I came off of POF, I a, starting to miss it a little so last night I went on a swiping spree on Tinder and Bumble. I had a message on Tinder this morning from someone who's looking for a casual arrangement, I am tempted but I know it will probably end up with me over investing. I sent my first message on bumble (waiting for a reply).

Mr Mountain still being flaky so I have backed off a little, he's not really chasing which just highlights that he's probably not that interested, if he doesn't suggest a date for next weekend then I will stop messaging completely. It's a shame as I really liked him.

Sorry Smeaton - I meant Nikki

Smeaton - Have you talked about where you’re both at? Are you seeing each other weekly? If there’s no dinner & dancing (or moose burgers) after 7 weeks then I’d say you’re just friends not dating.

Bored - good luck & enjoy! But also calm yourself down or you’re setting yourself up for mega hurt. Also wrt PoF do you make it clear what it is you are & aren’t looking for? I’m not a fan of PoF but I think you need to be extremely clear from the get go & that helps cut down on some of the riff raff.

Well you’re definitely one of the good ones Smeaton.

So Mr BBC & I have dates 2 & 3 in the diary for Weds/Fri next week. If we get to date 3 it will be the first time in over a year I’ve got to 3 dates! He’s definitely keen. I think although his marriage has been over for some time he hasn’t particularly liked someone since. It’s actually so refreshing to date someone who hadn’t heard of ghosting and who is very clear about how much he likes me. Time will tell.

What a week of drama in RL and a lot has happened on the thread too.

Are you feeling more intact Grinch?

Phoenix that all sounds promising with Mr BBC. Fingers crossed.

Smeaton I hope it all works out. I wish more men could be reassuring for longer than 24 hours.

Well I think I've been ghosted by Mr TaiChi. Not heard from him since Monday so I sent a bright and breezy message last night but I've heard nothing so I guess that's our old-fashioned date off the cards. Maybe he was hoping I'd go into NSA mode... I'm not writing him off just yet as we really couldn't meet until next weekend due to our existing commitments so it's a slightly odd scenario given that we have history. I shall delete his number tonight if I hear nothing further. I've deleted POF too. I'm just not ready in opening up to anyone new right now.

So on Friday I tried to have a chat with my Mr. 10 weeks and counting about how things were going. Didn't go too well as I'm rubbish about talking about "feelings" and "relationships". He denied he was ignoring me on Tuesday so made me wonder if I was imagining it? He mentioned in passing that he always seems to end his relationships in Summer as he gets stressed as work gets manic??? I said jokingly that I will have to start looking for a new relationship around March then!!

I was on quite a high when I arrived as I had heard in the afternoon that I'd landed my dream job. He was tired and grumpy from a busy week at work, and seemed a bit envious that I had had the bottle to go for a new job (he hates his job most of the time, but that's his own fault for not looking for something else imo).

In general he was nowhere near as cuddly or affectionate as usual when we dtd, and in the end I got quite irritated and said he was making me feel cheap, which he was. I asked him if he wanted to end things between us to which he replied quickly with a "no". I told him if he ever made me feel like that again I would be gone, and he immediately went back to his affectionate usual self, so maybe he just didn't realise how he was being? I don't know really......

Anyway as I left I unusually didn't let him know when I was free to see him (I'm away Mon-Fri next week) and didn't feel like texting him good night as I usually do, and was surprised when he sent me a good night text, so maybe he does care after all? Thinking this weeks break may do us good. Any thoughts appreciated as I am confused.com.

Oakley maybe you're starting to see the real him? After about 10 weeks/ 3 months the "great guy" (and our "cool girl" mask) can start slipping so maybe there's a bit of reality creeping in?

Congrats on the job! Landing a dream job is always exciting and worth celebrating.

Thanks Been, I think you may be right, I'll have to see how it goes in the next couple of weeks, hopefully me dropping the Ms. Nice but Cool (actually terrified) facade will bring out the real him anyway. I think the problem is we're both tiptoeing round each other atm, both afraid to show our vunerability to each other. My gut feeling is he's worth a bit more time.......

Thanks, I'm well excited about my new job! Maybe once I start I'll have less time to over-think, lol.

Hoping Mr. Tai-chi will re-surface for you, horrible being ghosted - a thanks but no thanks is so much better.

Hi Been, thanks for asking. Still feeling pretty battered but not as bad as yesterday Really trying to hang onto the fact that he is not a good person to be involved with.

I think this is bringing up a lot of old feelings about other things. I didn't exactly mourn the loss of my 13 year relationship because it was so bad when it ended and there was so much practical stuff to fix, I just had to get on with it and be in active mode. Letting a relationship decline to the point where you no longer miss it is not the same as facing the loss of your hopes and dreams, which you did have once. So having this very short and very trivial thing end while I was still actually having a good time brings me face to face with loss I think in a way that isn't actually at all, all about this guy. That's how I'm rationalising it anyway.

How are things with you?

You do just have to go through the ups and downs Grinch and figure out what you do and don't want on the hoof as you go through each relationship because whether it's NSA, FWB or a GF/BF deal it's still the forming of a relationship with another human being and it still hurts if you're not the one in control of the parting. Throw 'casual' into the mix and you just have to accept that with anything casual the parting will mostly be precarious and unchivalrous (that applies to both men and women). You rarely have equal degrees of interest or coolness in a casual relationship and casual will rarely be monogomaous despite assurances so there's always the potential of something that was really good on Friday being thrown off-balance on Monday by a third party.

Something you said a couple of posts back that I found really sad was that relationships always end. I still believe in the happy ending (by some miracle of self-delusion maybe?).

Anyway Mr TaiChi has apologised for the lack of messages saying he's not a prolific texter and said he's really looking to forward to seeing me next weekend. He's been saying all the right things but six days without saying something is odd. I tend to think he's being straight but who knows?

Last week I had two things happen that made me really wish for that special someone one. I had a big professional success and would have loved someone special to chink a glass of bubbly with and I went to A&E which is a lonely place. Friends and family just don't cut it sometimes I'm afraid.

I'm kind of worried that I'm putting a lot of hope on Mr TaiChi...

Been - "Something you said a couple of posts back that I found really sad was that relationships always end. I still believe in the happy ending (by some miracle of self-delusion maybe?). "

I kind of regretted posting that straight away actually. I don't think it is delusional to hope for the happy ending. I think right now I am really not in a good place to search for or find that person. If that is what I was doing, I'd be doing it in a very different way, so maybe I was just projecting because I knew that isn't where I'm headed right now. but maybe now is the time to start thinking about how I would or could get into that head space, and whether it is for me.

I hope you are ok, what happened at A&E? I know what you mean - I went there once with a badly sprained ankle which my friends all thought was broken. they kind of half heartedly offered to stay and I said "Oh no you don't need to do that" and was gutted when everyone went home and I was left half cut and all alone in the waiting room with no one to call. Having said that, I was in and out of A and E a lot with respiratory problems before my asthma was diagnosed and I had a partner then who never troubled himself to keep me company, so it's not just having someone, but the right one.

CLINK! Congratulations on your success. It's not the same from me but I wish you all luck in finding the right one.

Mr Tai Chi could be the answer to everything....

Thanks Grinch. A&E was totally self-inflicted as I smashed a digit - bloody stupid. I left it a day before going but then the pain got the better of me and GP said it was broken (it's not) and that I needed a minor procedure (I did). You're quite right though, having a feckless uncaring partner is far worse than having no partner. It was all I could do to not tell recent ex as he'd have been perfect for moral support.

maybe now is the time to start thinking about how I would or could get into that head space, and whether it is for me

For me I wasn't in a position to know what I did want (other than sex!) but it was more a case of figuring out (through experiences) what I didn't want and honing in on what I wanted that way. For a long time I didn't want a relationship because I knew I just wasn't ready to give someone all of me (or the residue of me that's been left by XH and is made available).

Been that reminded nds me of when broke my finger, drove myself to A&E where they strapped me up and stuck me in a sling, then I realised I had to try and drive home I know what you mean though, sometimes it would just be nice to have that someone special by your side, I miss that too, I miss coming home from work and having someone to tell about my day.

"For me I wasn't in a position to know what I did want (other than sex!) but it was more a case of figuring out (through experiences) what I didn't want and honing in on what I wanted that way. For a long time I didn't want a relationship because I knew I just wasn't ready to give someone all of me (or the residue of me that's been left by XH and is made available)."

That's me.
I got out of an utterly miserable relationship very slowly and painfully and I kept my children, my house, my job, my sanity and my bodily integrity - none of those were a foregone conclusion. There is very little of me left after the business of hanging onto all that on a day to day basis, even though the worst is long over. I'd love to be with someone really, if they were the right one, and a good'un. I loved it when someone kind of instinctively took my hand and it felt strange and lovely. But I don't have enough to give to deserve that.

Anti I agree with Been (again!) that your comment about all relationships ending stuck with me. I know how it feels to be in this place but it's not permanent.

I said, a thread or 2 ago, that I think people should take a chunk of time off to be on their own and where you are now is exactly why. You need to work on YOU right now. Who are you outside of that relationship, what do you want (and as Been says what don't you want). I know you wanted sex but in my experience when you're in a vulnerable position like you are now sex is not going to make you feel better. After my biggest relationships ended I've made sure I've taken a 6 month vow of chastity. (Stay with me!) It sounds extreme but at the end of those 6 months I was stronger, clearer and had far more self confidence. The 2 times I convinced myself that I could just have sex and didn't need to take a full break to clear my head I ended up either in pieces or in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm not going to tell you how long you need to take, only you can know that, but you absolutely need to take time or you're going to just hurt yourself over and over again. What is 4/6/12 months in the scheme of a lifetime?

The problem with where you are is that you want to hold someone's hand so badly because there's an emptiness where there used to be a hand for you to hold, so what happens is you accept any hand to fill that space. There were several big things about this guy that you didn't post here before it went tits up, I think thats because you were trying so hard to convince yourself it was ok (although deep down you knew it wasn't). Sex is one of those weird things where it can make you feel amazing but it can equally make you feel shit. All really depends on where you are at.

So make a variety of battery operated friends (Shh! Women's Stores are amazing for anyone wanting a more female-centric approach) and take care of yourself. Be to yourself what you want a partner to be - then you'll be in such a great place when you meet a good one that you won't need them, but you can choose to make space for them.

Been Ouch on the finger. I agree there's nothing lonelier than A&E on your own.

Oakley Congrats on the new job! Do you like this guy? You sound really annoyed/frustrated with him. Is it just from this past week or is there more going on? How are you feeling about it?

Phoenix I do the six-month no sex thing too. It's been seven months since recent ex and, in all honesty, the thought of anyone other than him touching me makes me sad. I know I find Mr TaiChi incredibly attractive - when I first met him i just thought "oh yes" - so I'm hoping that seeing him will erase the "touch memory" of recent ex that seems to be building up at the moment. I keep reminding myself of all the crap stuff that meant we had no future. Work in progress.

Grinch I agree and empathise with all that you say except the last three words to deserve that. It's not about what you do or don't deserve. You don't earn a right to be loved (although one can earn a right to be dumped). Just being you should be enough to be loved by the right person.

Love the old 'no hands on steering wheel' gear change! I've got to admit I've been wondering how my damaged hand would cope with me wanting to pleasure Mr TaiChi's should my plan for an old-fashioned date fall at the first hurdle - me seeing him and going: "he'll yeah!" 😄