The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Sounds like a good start Phoenix!

I’m new posting to this thread - but I’ve read the whole thread!! I’m new to the dating world after having my life turned upside down 5 months or so ago...I’m an avid reader of Chump Lady if that means anything to any one here.

So decided to get back out there - after 8 years not being ‘out there’ and after a week I feel like I’m already over it.

Don’t want to bore you with details but...

Iron 1) He launched on me at end of date - so I saw this as red flag and had to tell him politely I didn’t want to see him again when he asked for a second date... and he was very lovely and polite about it!

Iron 2) great vibes - really like/d him but messages are waaay too intermittent post-date, so not sure what to do here?

Iron 3) here’s the kicker - met for a drink and then he started being all weird and had to bail as he had work to do. So that’s made me feel super shit. I don’t think my profile is misrepresenting me and the chat was ok... so what’s the issue there? Has this happened to anyone before?

Feel like it’s over before it’s started! Maybe I’m not ready?

Any advice - much appreciated!!

Hi Popple!

That guy who went weird and baled - it's not you, it's him.

I can't advise as I am shit at all this! I've got really hung up on someone inappropriate and not very nice and I am in no place to advise.

What I would say - something I can say but apparently not do - is that you feel a lot better when you centre yourself in the process. Think about what you want, not how you're coming across and what he wants. I can do this very well up to a point but once I have met someone who really seems to like me I become very emotionally vulnerable and hooked on needing that liking. (I hate it! I don't know how to stop doing it!)

Phoenix - that all sounds marvellous. So pleased for you! weak-kneed kisses are the very best. I had forgotten that can actually happen till I met THE GUY I AM SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING FORGETTING ABOUT

Thanks antigrinch it really rattled me. Maybe we wouldn’t see each other again but I don’t think it was as bad as bailing so soon. Then I started questioning myself - which I know is the worst thing to do!

Putting yourself in the centre is great advice - I hope I can stick to it.

Not sure what to do about iron 2 with the intermittent texts - wait for him to initiate meeting again? Or just deal with it head on? I’m not even free for a while but I kinda want to know where I stand.

Hope you manage to forget about your guy - easier said than done, but I believe in you!!!

Grinch - you're not shit at this, you just got the feelings for someone. What would be the point of putting yourself through all this if it wasn't those feelings you were chasing. The shit bit is him not being honest and upfront.

Anti - sorry to remind you!!!

I totally agree with you about putting yourself at the centre of it all. This thing wi Mr BBC & Me Irish is that I have totally been myself (and not just the best possible version of myself). So if they fade away (like it seems Mr Irish might be) then I know that it’s not because of anything I did. We just didn’t click, there’s something about me that reminds them about their ex, we’re not fully compatible, etc. I can’t control any of those things, so it’s not about me, it’s about them & their shit, so I can move on.

Poople - Iron 1 - how did he launch himself at you? How did you feel about him before that?

Iron 3 - see above comment. Quit thinking it was about you - it’s about him. Old is a numbers game, this was just part of the process & does not in any way define you.

Iron 2 - he’s telling you how he feels about you... not important enough to message regularly. Did you talk about what it is you both want? If not he’s not going to be psychic and I suggest you have that convo. How many dates has it been? Are their any next dates planned?

Honestly if you want to give up after 3 dates then you’re not ready. In the previous 2 years before this one (took a break this year) I’ve been on over 50 dates. That’s 50 variations of the above. Sometimes I’ve left quickly, sometimes it led to sex, sometimes it led to multiple dates and sometimes it just left me shaking my head wondering what’s wrong with the world. But sometimes it’s led to short relationships or encounters that mostly made me happy, until they didn’t.

In that time I’ve learned to set boundaries, say no more often & pick date locations in places I wanted to go anyway. In the last 2 months I’ve had 2 (out of 4) dates go well enough that I think there’s possibility there. I don’t think I would have gotten there without really understanding what I don’t want or won’t put up with. If you put yourself first you will probably learn about yourself in the process (you’ll also probably become a hell of a lot more cynical too lol) but I now like who I am when I date & if they don’t, yes rejection’s painful but most of the time, if you’re not a lunatic, it has nothing to do with you & everything to do with them!

Popple, you're right, you shouldn't question yourself about that guy. For all we know he's married and suddenly had a crisis of conscience once shit got real and he found himself sitting across a table with a beautiful, lovely woman. It could have been literally anything.

Thanks for all the handholding. I'm really feeling blue today.

Good post phoenix

Also think we all need to stop beating ourselves up about getting attached too quickly. If you had a job and they kept telling you you were doing well and an excellent team member and then fired you, you would be upset - and rightly so. And you would take it to heart and you would wonder what went wrong. It's part and parcel to need some time to mourn the loss.

And this goes back to the thing about being open and vulnerable - you need to be that to be fully available to the right one.

Biddy - "If you had a job and they kept telling you you were doing well and an excellent team member and then fired you, you would be upset - and rightly so. " - thanks for this! It's true

And another things...

• are there lots of websites telling men to stop telling women they are amazing after two dates, to stop laying it on thick, to stop making false promise or is it just websites telling us women to hold back, to not let our emotions get involved, that we are needy and clingy, etc,etc...

the thing is though - I think they really believe it when they are saying all these things, they just don't know how to take a step back and think about the bigger picture.

for me, my emotions engage on a gradual basis. I think things like "ok I like having a drink with him, would I like having dinner with him? Would I like spending the night with him?" You do more and more and ask yourself more and more questions till you might be asking yourself quite serious things like "would I like to go on holiday with him?" "Would I liket to introduce him to my parents?" All this takes time.

With some men, I don't think they separate out degrees of liking and intimacy like this. They have limited emotional connections with friends, work mates, day to day relationships and this leaves a lot of unmade connections that they are dying to make, but they will only make them to The Woman (of the moment). This leaves them with a big package of stuff they haven't sorted out, just Woman stuff that ranges from "I find her nice to chat to" to "I find her pretty" to "I will admit to having emotions with this person" to "I want to see this person at least every other day and tell them they are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me". And they will quite sincerely dump this whole package in your lap even if they are going to pick it all up and dump it into someone else's lap in 3 days time.

Meanwhile I have progressed from "I like chatting with this guy" to "I really like chatting with this guy" to "he makes me feel good and interested in things I have not thought about before" to "I am really, really looking forward to seeing him and I want his hug so so so so much" - and then it's all gone. All of it. Gone.

Thanks phoenix and antigrinch

To answer your Qs, iron 1 launched at me to kiss me and was quite forceful, so that put me right off. Earlier in the night I thought I’d be open to seeing him again ...maybe, but then that was that for me.

Iron 2, it’s just one first date - not had any conversations about what we want, I just had a really lovely time but it’s been a bit stop start messaging wise. It’s only been a week since our date - I just don’t know whether to say anything else as I’m not really free to see him anytime soon and we both have demanding jobs, so not sure it’s the time to arrange anything!

And 3, I was just quite mortified as he made a big song and dance about having to leave cos of work - it was so transparent. Makes me cringe thinking about it, just need to stop thinking!

I think I’m still trying to move on too fast and I need some time for myself, I just hate that my ex is living the life with OW

Please someone give me some advice.

Met online, agreed to meet up. Before the meet up he was sending me messages saying you are beautiful and being nice. On the day of meeting up he asked to change the initial place to another place. Came late for 7 min. Wanted to take me for drinks as he drinks. I don't drink so I took him to the local cafe for a cup of tea/coffee...
We sat at the cafe, he was starring at me, I was looking down as felt very uncomfortable. After 15 min of our chat he took his phone out of his pocket and was looking at it. Then continued conversation with me.
Went to the loo and off we go. After cafe he shakes my hand, asked which way I'm going and went opposite direction. Which was very fine with me as I felt so relaxed without him.
So he messages me online asking whether I liked him. My reply was "I don't know." So he started to say that he would like to have me in his arms and would spoil me with love... I didn't reply and left it as it is.
He then writes me next day in the evening that he thought about all this and that we are very different and I'm not the girl he would usually date. And the fact he drinks and that sex is important to him (these all due to me not advancing his attempts to have a chat about intimacy). But he thinks there is something in me that he likes, but he can't change. I said what is the outcome of your thoughts? His answer: "I can't change, and if you agree to open up to me so we can see each other?" "And that I'm very shy and need to open up..."
Then he goes again, that he accidentally touched me and I shivered (I don't remember that) and asks what did I feel?
My reply was:
"It doesn't matter what I felt. I'm after someone who is interested in me as a person and not only in my body. I have enough people around me who are actually after my body alone and find me exotic. And that I'm looking for someone who is serious enough to have a relationship with me/marry and have a family with me..."
Do you think I have done the right thing by sending him a message like that.
To be honest I would like to meet someone who will be interested and offers the second date. Not someone who says if you agree with who I'm and what I offer, then I will be interested in meeting you again.

P.S. I never told him it's a problem for me that he drinks... I don't see it as a problem, although I don't drink myself.

Your opinions will be much appreciated 💐

He knows I never have been involved with anyone, that's why he was asking what did I feel when he touched me...

I wished him good luck. A friend of mine said he dropped you even before you wishing him a good luck.

Inexperienced Totally agree with Smeaton Block & delete. I don't have a problem with a little bit late (I'm in London though so transport can be a nightmare). Even though you say you don't have a problem with him drinking you declined his suggestion of a bar for a cafe so that would have definitely made me feel like you disaproved. I agree that he's only after one thing though and would potentially be a nightmare. Can I ask how old you are that you've never been with someone? You don't sound like you're very confident with your decisions in this area so if you're feeling that please feel free to ask any questions you want x

Popple Welcome to the overthinking it trap! You are def overthinking Iron #2 - it doesn't sound like he's all that interested, but it does sound like you have some needy thinking going on (i.e. I can't see him but I want him to be wanting me) Honestly I think you've gotta let go of that one, maybe see where it goes, but in the meantime try and think about connecting with other people. Iron #1 deserved to be ditched (creep) and Iron #3 is gone so move on!

Phoenix I told him afterwords that I have no problem with drinking as members of my family drink socially and it's not due to religion. I used to drink myself not for a long but did try... He probably thought I'm not interested in intimacy as well, as I didn't encourage his advances.
I'm old enough to be involved but my culture disapproves anything before marriage. For me it doesn't matter anymore and that's why it took me so long to come to the decision to find someone. But this man is not interested in getting to know me? Or am I very backwards? Does guy straight talk about intimacy after first meet up?
Just asking for future references...

He said he drinks socially and is not the one who will sleep around.

phoenix you speak a lot of sense and I appreciate that!!

I’m always stuck in the overthinking trap. I really liked #2 but as you say - actions speak louder than words, so may have to let that one die a death. I keep thinking...maybe he’s just shy? I know I should not be making any excuses for him!

I’ll continue to read all your updates but maybe I’ll bow out of OLD for a bit. (Lasted all but a week!)

Thanks Smeaton

He did ask me about my interests and whether I can cook or not... Asked if I usually cook while inviting friends over...
I agree with you and that's why I told him this:

It doesn't matter. (He asked me what I felt when he touched me, which I don't remember happening...)
I will let you go...
I have enough people around me who are interested in my body and who think I am exotic. What I am looking for is someone who is interested in who I am as a person, and hopefully as a woman he would like to have as a long term partner/wife/mother of his kids.
I don't feel it from you.
Good luck to you. 🌸🎈

He doesn't bother me anymore.

I dont believe this. I ran in 25 yo guy in town today. We live in a smallish suburb. Had a chat.

We just don't have anything in common and I dont fancy him.

Did you brush him off Smeaton?