The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

[Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

I don't get that behaviour at all Love. Are you just letting it fizzle out then? I think I'd be really bored at this point. Is there any mention from him of meeting up?

He suggested meeting up next week but I can't because it's half term.
I don't really understand him, sometimes he talks like we are in a relationship (tells me boring stuff that married couples would probably talk about), texting hasn't really got any less. It kind of feels like he just wants a texting relationship and the odd date but then he talks about possible trips away in the future. Really confusing but I'm just trying not to take much notice of the future planning.

So what will you do if you actually get another date set? Have a plan B ready? Are you sexting?

Is this a new phenomenon for the dating thread? A penpal who sometimes emerges for a date

Thanks everyone for all the handholding.

I did become emotionally invested (obviously - more than I realised - as I am now pretty gutted) but I didn't do practical things that I was under some pressure to do that I thought were unwise, with someone I knew so little. I didn't cancel everything else in my life and focus on him. I didn't introduce him to my friends or my children. I didn't stay over on random work nights and thereby damage my work performance. I didn't let him pop round to my house when my children were home and let them think he was part of our lives now. All of these refusals kind of sort of at least a bit annoyed him.

And now I think: how can you be annoyed that I was protecting myself when YOU KNEW all along you were a shit? It just makes my behaviour all the more rational! And I also think: perhaps the boundaries and maintaining the other stuff in my life were the "problem". perhaps I would be sitting in his lap right now if I'd allowed it all to go his way. Let me be clear: I don't regret it, I am glad I did what I did even if (or especially if) it caused him to lose patience with me.

But yeah, doing all that doesn't stop you feeling it when someone disappears. I don't have any practical shit to sort out as I had him entirely ringfenced from my real stuff. And I'm shocked to find out how much I feel it anyway.

Love, you sound really bored of that guy. Is there any point continuing with the messaging?

Been theres a bit of sexting but nothing too raunchy ( not what I'm used too) so I don't think he's just looking for a shag. It's really odd, most men I meet are just after sex and are not that keen on making plans for days out etc.., he seems to be the opposite ( making plans for day trips rather than sex sessions), I need to meet somewhere in the middle, If I do see him again I need there to be sex and not just vanilla. I'm not going to chase after him, he needs to try a bit harder or I'm likely to get bored.

Anti I'm not bored as such, but if I don't get a date soon I will lose interest. I liked him a lot until he messed me around last week, I do hold a grudge but I usually give a 2nd chance.

Love his behaviour is bizarre! it seems like he is having some sort of faux relationship with you in his head, without actually doing much except messaging!

Anti Even when you do all the carrying on with your own life, being content in your own skin, having boundaries, ( and all the other stuff those books, blogs mention), it still hurts. Even when they are a total shit and not worth your time, it still hurts. But hurt is good in the sense that it means your feelings are in tact and you have an open heart and one day someone will cherish that.

Love once you've been mucked about, it is hard to let go of that annoyance. It's like a little wound that niggles. Hope he actually takes you on a date!

I agree with Biddy. Can you ever date without be vulnerable? Sure we can do our best to not overinvest, carry on with our lives, "be cool" about it, but surely the process of dating is a process of gently exposing who we are to another (equally) flawed human being. There's so much vulnerability in that. I wouldn't want to date someone who didn't actually give a shit who I was or what I thought. But the problem with being human is that deep down inside, when we're dating, we're hopeful. We want it to work. We want to find that person who makes us never want to date again. Even if you're just dating for sex it's hard to take the rejection of someone not wanting you any more. I think its human to question what there is about us that the other person didn't want more of. That doesn't mean the answer is valid, and it doesn't mean that we're not totally ok just the way we are, it just means that our humanness wasn't what their humanness wanted. How that feels and how that's justified are two very different things. I couldn't date without being a even little bit vulnerable - I would be pretending to be someone I'm not. So I'd rather embrace my vulnerableness, cry it out (briefly) after I feel like I've been rejected and move on to the next one, who might just actually get me...

I posted a few pages back about a 25 yo I met in real life. I am mid thirties. He knows my age. He seemed nice enough. We have been having some text chats and he seems nice. But I cant get over one thing. When we first met he asked me for a drink. Then he stood back and let me pay. I didnt actually want to go for a drink really, just because he offered and then I got the bill.

He has made it a habit of dating much older women. He has in the past dated a 45 year old when he must have been much younger than 25. I cannot help now but think he chooses older women as we may have more money.

I have not replied to his last couple of messages. Wonder if I should just my instincts and not reply at all?

Niki, that sounds terrible to me. that is a massive red flag
I wouldn't see him again without testing this in some way - I woudln't just go along with it and see what happens
Or I might not see him again!

thanks Biddy and Phoenix for the notes on vulnerability. Still feeling pretty blue about this. I've blocked him but I keep looking hopefully at my phone out of habit because Ive really got a kick out of our text conversations for the past 3 months. Then I think mad things like: I hope he is missing my texts too. and I have to tell myself he probably isn't thinking about me at all and I shoudln't think about him

Niki Is that the only time you've met him? If you like him then it might be worth meeting up again to see whether it was a one off.

Personally, I quite like it when men let me buy them a drink without making a fuss, but if it was an expectation or if he generally didn't pay his way it would be a massive turn-off. I think the financial side of dating can be tricky sometimes, it is actually putting me off getting back out there.

Anti I don't believe a bloke can switch a person off like that so even though I think they might move on swiftly, that person's memory will still be around and they will miss certain things about them (it may not be the relationship but details like your sense of humour, your kindness, etc,etc)

I’m in the pre-date nervousness with Mr BBC. Obviously having been cancelled on so many times I no longer believe a date is actually going to happen!

It is the only time I've met him. He then hung round me said let me take you for a drink and then stood back and didnt pay.

His habit of dating older women makes me think this is why. As he wants them to pay

@antigrinch

How do you suggest testing it

I wouldn't see him again without testing this in some way - I woudln't just go along with it and see what happens

Phoenix great post about vulnerability.
Ultimately I think this is what is so potentially damaging about OLD. Every time I feel I can trust someone, then they let me down, it's hurting me again. And I don't yet know what the long term effect of that is.
I want to be able to relax and enjoy the thrill of someone desiring me. But each time the rug gets pulled out again. If I harden myself to it then I won't enjoy it, and what's the point then? But if I keep making myself vulnerable to hurt then what damage will that do to me?

Mr Irish and I (long distance) are still getting on well. He texts me lots everyday. It's been going on for 4 weeks now since we first met. We spent the night together and he walked me home along the beach as the sun rose over the sea . I am visiting him in 3 weeks time and he has flights booked to visit me 3 weeks after that. So I feel that he is not just doing the typical OLD love-bombing that so many guys do, as he has committed to seeing me again some time down the track. But I still feel that worry that I don't want to jinx it by telling anyone or thinking ahead.

Niki that does sound suspicious. You could continue chatting for a bit and see if he suggests meeting up again. If you meet him make sure it's not somewhere too expensive. If you go for a drink he should be offering to buy the first round after last time, if he doesn't you have your answer.If you meet up for a meal the natural thing would be to split the bill.

If you aren't really interested in him and are just irritated by what he did then I would drop him and move on. You may well be correct about his motives.

Anti well it just proves that you 100% made the right choice by keeping your boundaries firm and not letting him into your life - well done. Things would be much worse now if you had done.

I've said it before but I'm fed up of these future-faking OLD guys who suck you in giving the impression they only have eyes for you, only to fade you out when someone else apparently better comes along. And the amount of time that I have wasting messaging them because they message me incessantly and I don't want to appear rude. From now on I'm going to seriously put the brakes on that. Its too much of a distraction from real life.

He has already suggested meeting up again to go for a walk. I said yes but then couldn't get over the drinks thing. It was just rude. He didnt even pay his own.

Niki I agree it was rude. He may be genuinely hard up but then he shouldn't have suggested a drink! Almost invariably for me a walk involves stopping at a café for drink, in which case don't be too quick to reach for your purse and see what he does. But if you genuinely think he did it deliberately then just say you've changed your mind and don't want to meet up again. Do you really want to see someone so much younger?

@Pavonia I am genuinely hard up too. I lost my job a few months ago and he knew I was between jobs.

He saw my expression when he left me with the bill and he offered to buy the next round but even so. He only offered as he saw I was surprised.

Im not really seeing him as long term anyway. He did try to keep touching me. Stroking my hand, holding my hand. I dont know he is nice to chat too but dont think there is any point in this.

Niki - was this 1 drink or multiple? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with letting you pay & then buying a round afterwards. I usually do that - sometimes I’m first, sometimes I’m not. If it was he drank all night & then left you with the bill then yes he’s a dick. If he knows you’re between jobs then he’s not going to be in it for your money is it? And also, as a “much older woman” of 42 there are lots of reasons younger guys have gone out with me and 99% of them have nothing to do with money.

Plenty of women go out for dinner on a first date & not move a muscle to pay a much larger bill than a drink.

If you like him let him buy the next one but if you don’t then ditch & move on. (Don’t ghost!)

45 is much older when you're 22.....its relative to how old the partner is. Its more thsn double his age and he was 22 when they broke up.

I met him at an outdoor event and i couldn't shake him off he kept following me around and talking. Then he said let me take you for a drink. Then stood back and let me pay no attempt to put his hand in his pocket. I said ok then im paying and he blandly said I'll get the next one and then didnt.