The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

[Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Hi all - thanks everyone.
Pavonia - we've been talking / texting daily at length since July. It's weird but I kind of do know him. I wouldn't actually say I trust him though. in some ways. I know Been's line is "he's just a character in a book he wrote himself"; but actually all-but-one of my significant relationships, always, of every kind, have had a significant written / phone / distance component; and I take the verbal non-physically present part of a relationship extremely seriously, as part of the whole person - and it is, though incomplete, in its own way, real, once it has become established beyond "showing off" and "saying what they want to hear".

I will fix something up for Sunday afternoon, my next childfree time - in the meantime, my children are good company and I'll be busy at work. Today I was being a drip because I was working from home - could have done with some workmates for distraction.

Phoenix - I will try to speak to him. I don't know that it's over and if it is I want him to tell me. I wouldn't make a scene or anything - a guy can change his mind after 3 dates. I would like him to say something about it though. Honestly - I haven't entirely given up on the idea that it's just that his work is crazy. Yes we did dtd and we also had the "exclusive" chat and I stood down some very decent prospects!

Hand on heart I honestly believe he was REALLY into me; but I also feel that every day is different with some guys and that doesn't mean a thing about today, necessarily.

Is this fun? It sounds hideous reading some of these posts.

Hi user! It is fun some of the time. I'm not having fun today because I'm a neurotic who got over involved with the wrong guy (who is, let's paint the full picture, also the first guy I got involved with since the end of my 13 year relationship in which I had children, so it was always going to be a bit of a ride)

Anti huge sympathies. Horrible to feel the fun zapped out - I hope he gives you some answers. We've all been here. And July is a long time. Hoping it resolves itself. x

Thanks. Realising I could well have been blocked and will never know. :( I guess I do know, in that case. If that's what's happened then it's simply the case that I've been involved with a common or garden git and I need to just consider a bullet dodged in wasting a few weeks rather than a few years. damn

Anti!!!! How have you jumped to you’ve been blocked? What platform are you on? If it’s WhatsApp there are ways to tell.

pav I asked for a date and I got a date! Thank you :)

you can't tell with text messages.
I think I've been blocked because.... he's done it before. yes I'm a fool. he was seeing someone when he started texting me. (I didn't know this.) She was away and he thought they were breaking up. Then he decided not to see me, to concentrate on her and he blocked me. Then I didn't hear from him for a month; and then he finished it with his gf and made contact with me. and told me it was all over blah blah blah. I know his ex (or gf again probably) is back in the country and I know he has been in contact with her (returning her stuff). I know she was pressuring him to spend time with her and .... there is an interesting fb status by her on sunday. That's when it went strange.... that's when he went quiet and less accessible. I think she made a play to get him back and she has, and I think he has blocked me because he doesn't dare admit any of this to me. and I am a fool

he doesn't know I know any of this. internet stalking

I kind of got some of what I wanted but I regret it now

Anti - if your theory is correct then you are well rid of him. Still a shitty feeling though isn't it. What an absolute arse to not be honest about the situation.

Oh Anti honey. This is a big fat shitstorm of badness. He’s shown you already that he’s a liar & a cheat. You need to block him & delete his number and stop cyberstalking him. It’s been 3 dates and by the sounds of things you’ve dodged a bullet. I know how hard it is when you’ve come out of a marriage and all of a sudden someone is showing you attention but this is not sounding like a healthy relationship. Please please please show yourself some more respect. You deserve much better than this. It’s time to let it go & move on.

Phoenix, you're so right. I only worked all this out in the past half hour though. I am going to stop cyber stalking but I just suddenly thought of checking the ex (actually current) and now I have, now I know.

I can't block him AND delete his number though! It has to be one or the other, surely? If I delete his number I can't contact him (I can't anyway if he's blocked me). If I block him, he can't contact me. Surely that's better, as I wouldn't put it past his INCREDIBLE cheek to show up again at some point in the future?

This really shouldn't be hurting me this much because I actually worried about how to end it; how long to allow it to go on for, and how to end it eventually when the time was right; whether I was using him in a way (not really interested in a proper relationship) etc. It's been taken out of my hands and that solves some stuff that I now don't have to work out.

Feeling very bad that I let this happen to me; feeling very bad about not being able to have anything to do with his body again; otherwise just trying to think: I won't feel this bad for ever, or even for long

AntiGrinch I'm really sorry to hear that, it's a really downer. I think most of us get a sense for when someome is cooling off or making a tactical retreat. Sadly it happens, I just wish people were more upfront rather than playing games, getting you guessing.

Hope you find the pick me up for now. Dating is a precarious game.

Just a thought, did it used to be anything like this hard and tricky say 30 years ago?

Thanks 1DAD,

I have no idea about 30 years ago. But.
I do think that everyone my age (I am 46) has had something significant in their life so far. How they deal with it and where they end up has something (not everything) to do with who they are as a person.

Some guys are loyal, not too impulsive, think about big long term values and hanging in there and supporting their partners and things like that. Those guys may well be still married. (not necessarily but you know....)

Some guys don't do delayed gratification, aren't that great about thinking about others' feelings, live in the moment and get physically and emotionally carried away, and.... would it be a surprise to find that they're the ones that are back in the dating pool?

Anti this guy seems to have been hedging his bets, biding his time and hurting your feelings on the way. Head messer! At least you've found out sooner rather than later I suppose. Some good advice on here though. Hope you manage to write it off to experience and move on soon.

Anti - why can’t you block & delete? Block him first so he can’t contact you (if he tries he’ll soon realise what he’s lost) AND delete his number so you can’t do a shameful drunk dial (or equivalent!) There are plenty more men out there with great bodies just waiting for you to discover them & some of them aren’t lying cheaters like this one!

Anti I think to have a significant written/phone/distance component is fine once you have got to know someone, but at the start of a relationship it can be dangerous. In this case chances are he would have done exactly the same thing whatever. Let's hope he has the decency to be honest with you. Don't be afraid to get back out there but look out for the red flags.

BiddyLee I'm glad you've got your date lined up and I hope you both have fun.

anti sorry to read that the guy has gone quiet. If he has form for it I'd be wary incase he's put you on the back burner again. I'd be tempted to block him too. Frustrating that he's disappeared but perhaps a bullet dodged?

Men (and I'm sure woman too) are great at making us feel like they are 'really into us', I keep falling for it too . Anti it does seem odd because you have been talking for so long, I have had 2 irons disappear after talking to them for ages, one has reappeared saying 'his phone broke and he lost all his contacts' the other has gone from messaging every day for several months to nothing at all.

Mr Mountain still messaging me, I still don't know what's going on and I'm not really bothered, I'm not sure if I will see him again or not. Feels odd not doing OLD (though I still have Tinder on my phone), I feel a lot more relaxed and less stressed but sexually frustrated.

Love - I actually think initially they "are really into us" or the idea of us, then something changes, whether it's another person who turns their head or doubts start creeping in. I don't think it's intentional game playing. When a man is in full swing giddy mode, ringing, texting and wanting to see me all the time I try and take it with a bucket load of salt.

You're all right. I gave him one chance too many and he's not getting another - he's fully blocked, on everything, including the apps we never even spoke on :) (I'm like the girl in the horror movie running around battening the windows and doors and blocking the chimney)

I am 99.99999999% sure he's back with his ex (was she really an ex?) but even in the event that I'm wrong about that, I can't deal with someone like him and there is a part of me that always knew this was coming and just didn't know how / when / by whom / how painfully it would end. This is AWFUL and I just need to get through it (while wishing I had sorted it properly the first time). I'm trying to think of it like a rotten tooth extraction - bad luck pain with no blame - just a thing to be got through, that can be got through. It didn't hurt this much last time and I should have seen sense and blocked everything then.

Been, are you there? I want to talk to you about dating without being vulnerable. I had no idea this was going to hurt so much because I knew it was coming and I knew he wasn't a keeper

Hand hold Anti . Its so shit to find out someone has been dabbling with their ex whilst you are still on the scene. You can get through this and you will. Its hurts but it will get better. He is a giant ahole and I pity the girl who has gone back to him as cheaters don't change. He is not worthy of you one tiny bit!

Stick at OLD though. I've been dating Mr Fogg for 9 weeks and we've gone on holiday together, spent both our birthday's together. I've met his kids and his mum a few times. He is meeting my parents tomorrow. Im wishing and praying this one works out after 4 years of OLD madness!

Anyone got any dates lined up?

Anti I am the same, how ever much I gear myself up for things not working out it still hurts when it goes tits up. I find it hard not to over invest, it's even harder when they message so much and you feel as though you are a part of their life. For me I can't be doing with it anymore, I'm fed up with getting hurt how ever hard I try not too. I don't like being single, I miss having someone to be close too but I can't handle the stress that OLD causes. Maybe I will change my mind in a month or so or maybe not?

I'm here Grinch . So sorry it ended like this.

Love is Mr Mountain still planning future events or has he settled into slightly dull pen pal mode?

I could definitely do with some tips about dating without being vulnerable. I still get on with all my own stuff when I'm dated but I make room for whoever I'm dating (perhaps I make myself too available) I don't know - it really is different strokes for different folks.

When I'm floored by anxiety in dating, it's horrible and I don't know which way to do things - am I trying to hard, am I people pleasing, am I playing games (accidentally), am I showing enough interest but keeping my cool.

it's a minefield!

Queen of overthinking :D

Been he's still planning future events but has calmed down a little, probably because I'm not really reacting to his plans, he's all talk and hasn't got time to meet up let alone do the things he talks about. The other night he spent ten minutes telling me how stunning and amazing I am yet he can't even find time to see me.

Bidd I find myself game playing too, I get really anxious and try to please, it hurts when someone turns out to be not who you thought they were. I play it cool, let them lead but then think they like me when they probably don't.