The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

BiddyLee can you suggest to him that you get a date in the diary. If he isn't keen to at least try to fix something up then perhaps it isn't worth putting up with his moaning. Perhaps point out to him that you are BOTH busy and therefore need to plan.

It does sound a bit like he is taking you for granted. When you are chatting on the phone can you let him get his worries off his chest and then try to steer the conversation onto more positive topics?

Bored try not to put him on a pedestal, you are both in the same boat. Try to enjoy the date and get to know each other. It is early days and most first dates won't lead to anything so don't focus just on this one.

Biddy I would speak to him and say things seem really tough at the moment and I want to support you but maybe dating's not helping and does he need a bit of a break. Or alternatively you could say hey things seem tough why don't we go out and have some fun.

Depending on his response to the above I'd then decide whether I was going to stick with him. It's only been two months so he's probably now showing his true colours. I can't do really negative people as it gets me down, but I would talk about it with them before leaving, he might not realise thats what he's doing, he might feel like now you're in a "relationship" thats what you're supposed to do for each other. You won't know until you speak with him.

Biddy The first one is the worst so go in there thinking it will be awful. You will be awkward and unsure, insecure and various other things that, realistically, might not be attractive. 99% of people do NOT end up with the first person they date after divorce. Think of this as a practice date or like ripping of the plaster. And then definitely don't sleep with him on the first date unless you can handle doing that and never hearing from him again.

Biddylee Hello. I am in the same situation a your Mr Young. Its not easy raising kids and having a full career, as you and I'm sure most of us know or can understand. Its bloody hard work and can put a lot of strain on things. This is intensified when both side have full custody, rather than the just the woman. I have started seeing someone now, she like me has two kids. The only advantage that helps a bit is she doesn't work at the moment. She lives 2 miles down the road and we hardly see each other (often stealing a couple of hours here and there in the daytime). I literally do have much free time where I have not got work, house work/administration or the kids. But if you like each other you make the best of that time.

As I have said its bloody hard work and stressful. Plus there maybe other stresses going on in his life like difficult ex's etc. But it is at times of stress that we often see the true content of someone character and how they deal with it. It must be nice to have someone to get things off his chest with but how does he do it? Is he always complaining to you all the time about how bad things are? That must be a buzz kill and maybe a sign indicative of his outlook in life and his mindset? I have a lot going and always knacked but I'm also a glass half full. I always find the lighter side of life and try not to bring other people down (plus there is always MN for a good moan). I know life must be difficult for Mr Young (I fully empathise) what you need to ask your self is Mr Young the sort of guy you want to be with? Or do you want someone a little upbeat and who handles hardship in a more positive manor?

As for the kids its a great thing that you have not shown yourself as a couple in front of them per se. Clearly stick with this if you are having doubts about Mr Young. Personally I would be very reluctant to introduce my kids to someone or someone else kids. I guess for me I would have to be pretty certain I want to be with some one long term before I took that step.

Hello - thanks for all the response.

Smeaton I am trying to look at pros and cons. Struggling a bit with the positives. Except I like him. A lot of potential works on the what ifs - like what if we had a bit more time, what if his job sorts out, etc But what ifs are just that. And I have to remain firmly in reality.

Pav You are right about steering the conversation to more positive things. I would like him to decide a date but I also don't want to pressurize him if he is feeling exhausted.

phoenix I did say if he needed me to back off and he said he would tell me - he's fairly outspoken. We have been showing true colours as we make farting jokes :D

1Dad Thank you - I probably need to move our phone conversations to happy stuff :D We do laugh and joke with each other when we see each other. He's much nicer to be around than the last person I dated.

Biddylee if it's not fun, stop.

He may be having a hard time but it sounds like he's just wrapped up in his own problems. This can be a real energy drain for you. I'd take a step back and invest more time in friends who are more uplifting to be around. Maybe, as a PP suggested, tell him that u think he needs space to sort shit out. If it's meant to be, he'll come back.

My long distance thang with Mr Irish is going swimmingly and is reminding me what a good early days r'ship feels like. I am not worrying whether or not he likes me or not. We are totally into each other, no game playing. We have been upfront about our "baggage" but at the same time there's lots of passion. We are going to spend the weekend together in a few weeks. Can't wait!

My other iron OTOH was white-hot at first and then slowly dropped me after we met. But I'm not bothered now in hindsight

My new dating mantra: if something good doesn't work out, it's because something even better is on the way!

Phoenix and Biddy - I had a message from him last night last minute asking if I was going, I said "Yes, you?" (a bit more formal than my usual messages as I usually use his name or "babe"). During the evening he proceeded to pretty much ignore me!!! My friends noticed it and asked if we had fallen out. I just got madder and madder (but tried to keep a smile on my face and pretend I wasn't bothered, as is my style, lol). In the end I decided to leave early as I was about to explode! As I said my goodbyes and left he suddenly announced "I'll walk you to your car" and proceeded to stride out the door in front of me???

As we walked to my car I was pretty much speechless, wondering what the hell was going on. Still no wiser after a brief chat which I'm ashamed to say I didn't have the words to have it out with him (I was too wound up to be rational, and may have blew my top completely so kept quiet rather than say things I may regret). He acted like nothing was wrong at all??!! Now I'm left wondering if it's some kind of game he's playing to provoke a reaction? Or am I just being over-sensitive to everything because I like him so much?

A good thing is I've realised that I've massively over-invested in him and have decided to cool things down a bit, no more affectionate messages to him for a while, till he learns to stop playing games anyway, and no more messaging him first so he has the chance to ignore me!

Biddy After my divorce I dated a full time dad who I met OLD. We were together for seven years and even though the relationship eventually ended, I am still in regular contact with his DD (who is now an adult).

The issue for me in your situation would be the lack of opportunity to actually meet up. Calls and texts are fine but you really do need to try to get quality time with each other on a regular basis for the relationship to be a fulfilling one.

FWIW though, with my ex it was an issue in the first four years or so that we rarely went anywhere without his DD in tow, lol.

Oakley - If you do what you’ve described then you’re playing games too & that never ends well. I’d just message him & day you feel like things have changed and you were wondering what was going on.

I’m a very strong believer in you need to have the grown up conversation, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you. Also that you teach someone how to treat you. Right now you’re teaching him that his behaviour is ok. If it’s not you need to tell him.

Phoenix yes I get that, but I do you think it may be my fault for over investing too early? I like him so much that I feel affection for him and like to show that in my behaviour towards him, and also in messages. I'm wondering if he's just got too secure in the relationship and now thinks he doesn't have to try so hard? I thought if I cooled it a bit and backed off it would mean that he has to work a bit harder to please me?

Oakley Phoenix gives great advice. If you do as you say you are playing games too.
If you are more into giving affection that him then there will always be a mismatch.
You need to talk to him and tell him. He is not a mind reader!

I’ve had to really go down the uncomfortable line of having the conversations that are difficult but it has worked - I hope!
We are on 4 weeks today!
We have had some quite large personal issues to deal with in that time (great timing!) and through just owning up and being honest we dealt with them. If I’d have slowed my messages or withdrawn my affection I doubt we’d be still seeing each other. It’s still very early days so I’m hoping I haven’t put the kiss of death on it!

Also Oakley, if he’s getting comfortable and treating you like this on purpose in these early days how do you think that will pan out? Nip it in the bud now!
Sorry, I’ve missed how long you’ve been seeing him?

Purple thanks for your input, I'm not one for playing it too cool and haven't so far but now I feel "rejected" by his behaviour this week and feel the need to back off, but I will try to get up the courage to talk to him about things (seeing him again Friday).

He's a lovely guy usually and I wouldn't want to hurt him by being cool if his behaviour was unintentional. He mentioned when we first started seeing each other that when he's been in relationships in the past he always says/does something to mess it up, I can see what he means now, lol. I hate game playing myself and wouldn't want to do it however unwittingly.

When I started seeing him I barely expected it to last 4 weeks, but it has been 10 so far, lol, so fingers crossed for you

Tips for a not-exactly-broken, but very fucked-off heart please.
I think my guy's gone :(

I know what goes up must come down.
I just need to deal with it now.
Can't focus on work, I'm cold, it's raining, all my music is wrong.
Sore throat and achey bones too....

Just want a big hug from my big beast of a man, who isn't mine :( :( :(

So what next? cheap and easy pick me ups please

Oh Grinch, why do you think he’s gone?

Oakley I had a similar problem with the guy I've been seeing for a few months. Cancelling dates, not replying to messages. I was on the verge of telling him that we were finished.
I was also tempted to play games with messaging. Instead we had a long discussion about what we want with the relationship. He's scared of commitment and tends to back off a bit. Plus his work is hell at the moment so doesn't want to spend his evening exchanging texts.
I feel much better having talked to him rather than sulking because I felt ignored.

If you can talk to him about how he's making you feel and what's going on with him, then hopefully you can get back on track.

He cancelled me last night, for work. He's been a lot cooler on text for ... days really, since Sunday? We had an arrangement last night that he cancelled around 4, which I was disappointed with but ok with because work is work. (spidey senses tingling a bit, but I was handling it.) Then I sent a little text this morning and I haven't heard anything at all. Even if work was still crazy he would usually send me something a couple of words long. For him - for how he communicates - not having replied even extremely minimally is a statement.

I think he may be not happy with how infrequently we manage to see each other. he may just have gone off me, he may have found someone less busy and easier to see, or - a million things I have no clue about. but I feel like he's going / gone

:(

What I really need to do is pull my socks up and get on with my life. My last ex - my serious ex, the father of my children - was really full on in the first weeks and incredibly incommunicative and dismissive after that. There were times, before we lived together, when I was utterly miserable feeling like I was hugely emotionally invested in a relationship with someone who didn't care if I lived or died. I don't know how or why I allowed it to progress to the extent that it did, given how miserable all that made me. (actually i kind of do but it's long and boring). So I should learn from that and just cut my losses. There are lots of fun and pleasant and kind men in the world

Anti how long have you been seeing him? It's sounds familiar to what I have been feeling about the guy I am seeing. You notice things change and it just sets off a spiral of feeling awful and feeling that it's over.

about 3 / 4 weeks. I have only seen him 3 times but we have been in texting contact for absolutely ages and up till recently he was really really enthusiastic and affectionate.

:(
:(

It's that horrible over investing. When you open your heart because all the signs feel right and then - stomp, stomp, stomp..

The thing is even if this is nothing and he will makes things up to you, it's made you a bit cautious of him.

Seeing someone once a week is fine btw. I couldn't see that as a decent reason not to want to be with you.

"cheap and easy pick me ups like ice cream and cookies or is it cheap and easy pick ups like down the local bar in a short dress?"

:) I'd rather have the latter, but, children... I don't want the former because I'm actually doing ok at losing weight.

Actually you know what. I am really fucking gutted. Excuse my french.

Sorry to hear so many are having a tough time.

AntiGrinch It's really disappointing but in truth you hardly know him, you've only met three times. Can you fix up something fun to do with a friend to take your mind off it?

Anti - I hate that feeling when "you just know" that something has changed. Its gutting and bloody confusing at the same time.

Anti I'm so sorry. Def agree best cure is to do something fun with a friend.
It's happened to me too. Why do these guys build your hopes up so much, making you think they are 100% solid? It's so bloody cruel.
There will be something better round the corner, I know it doesn't seem like that.
Xx

Anti - it sucks that it’s happened, I had this a few months ago too. This feels like my standard go to advice right now but surely you need to speak to him? Were you guys talking regularly or just texting? I agree when it’s changed you KNOW it’s changed but that doesn’t always mean it’s over. 3 dates is still very early days. Have you dtd? That would change my response too.