The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Whether it was a dig or not it's true

It was more then a dig. Hey, BT came back from his self imposed exile to bestow his words of wisdom. Great job pal.

Love I've just caught up with what happened (or didn't) over the weekend with Mr Mountain. He has treated you badly but clearly doesn't have a clue how much this has affected you.

You can tie yourself up in knots trying to work out what is going on. It may be that work has got on top of him right now or he had cold feet. The reason isn't that important - it's how you deal with it that's important.

Instead of focusing on getting angry with him and responding to his boring texts, focus on you and what you want. Can you deal with this emotionally if he did it again? Can you handle waiting for the next date, wondering if he is going to bail on you again?

Runs he is confusing me. I think I am just going to be straight with him and ask 'what the fuck he is looking for'. He continued to message me last night as if all was ok, although he has apologised several times he clearly doesn't get why I was upset. I'm not sure what he wants because if he has lost interest he's hiding it very well as he continues to bombard me with texts. But if he thinks he can make arrangements with me and drop me last minute because 'work comes first' he can f*ck off. If work really is his priority above everything else then I don't think we are compatable, I work to live, I don't live to work, there are a lot of things that are more important to me and I try and juggle them all.

Long time lurker here! Been messaging someone for 5 weeks after our initial meeting but was stood up for our theatre date on Saturday as he failed to return from Porto ... not overinvested at all and feel it's for the best, there are indeed plenty of fish. Can't help wondering if he's secretly married and opted for Whatisgoingon as I evidently had no intention of putting out on the second date. Oxford/Devon commuter?

Well, two of the men who seemed so keen have now disappeared.

Can someone explain to me (men preferably) why men do the full “ I like you etc” thing and then literally vanish in thin air?

So, so disappointed again.

heartbroken I think there are several reasons, they are extra nice to begin with as they want to win you over, then someone else comes along who's more interesting (or their ex comes back, has happened to me) and they vanish. I try to ignore the keenness until you have had a few dates, even then it still might not mean anything as I have found out.

heartbroken40 Not entirely sure either. Its happens to men too, me lots of times. I can only assume it maybe down to some people just get carried away with it all then simply chicken out or find another option on the table. Remember on OLD everyone is doing the same, chatting to someone at the same time as talking to others and searching for new potentials. My hunch is a lot of times people like you and enjoy the feeling of flirting/talking to someone but then get chatting to someone they potentially like more. I bet everyone is the same on this. It is just the way on OLD (whatever gender). Maybe it is just a tell tale indication of human nature where given the opportunity of a huge supply of potentials mixed with being hidden behind a computer screen. I do wonder if OLD creates a mind-set that there is always plenty more in the sea or there is always a better one just round the corner? I do wonder if this is why people rarely give it the time to invest and get to know another person? OLD is a huge bag of disappointments and let downs.

Heartbroken if it's possible can you step back a bit from your feelings so that you're not so disappointed next time? I try to stay very neutral until I've met someone. I used to be very invested before meeting then I realised it never paid off so I don't sext and I don't get to know too much about their lives before meeting.

Thing is, I had met one of the three and he seemed keen even after we met. Then he disappears. I always tell the men when it doesn’t work for me, I care about their sensitivities. Am I a rarity? I have never ghosted anyone, so so weird.

Can I ask what it feels like if you have been chatting on line and then you go to meet them and they are not at all how you thought they would be ? If you have emotionally invested in this ? Or does it help you once you've met if there isn't a spark ?

heartbroken - I think it's because men are guilty of the same thing too.

We overinvest, we meet someone online and start romanticising about them, about how great we would be together. We form that picture in our mind of who we think they are, and then whatever they say online we fit into that image. And we start to get attached to that image, and we tell it what we think about how great we'll be, because we believe it.

Then we meet and we have to do some mental readjustment, but if it's not too much readjustment then we go for more dates. And we sleep with them, and sometimes we are happy because the person replaces the image, and sometimes the person does something weirdly out of character for who we think they are, and we go off them. This is compounded by the fact that women get more attached after sex, and let barriers come down, and suddenly they're even more different to who we thought they were.

Some men, of course, just pretend in order to get a shag, but I think the majority just can't reconcile the reality with the ideal, and so we distance ourselves from the real person in order to go on and find someone else who fits an ideal more perfectly. Because there are so many more profiles online. Chalk this one up to experience and move on.

Heartbroken that's so rude. You're not a rarity. I always say something one way or the other after meeting. I think a lot of people are just rude with this stuff and somehow treat an online date as being disposable - like a cheap top that's worn once then binned.

Fuddle I get the feeling that people react differently. I'm very confident and am not a people pleaser by nature so back in the day when I excelled at over-investing I felt no obligation to go through with whatever I'd stupidly promised. I met one guy who seemed perfect on email and phone and was planning a night of passion with him! I knew on sight that that would never happen and told him quite early into our drink that he wasn't the one for me. Despite having sexted he never knew where I lived as I'm very careful so I had no qualms on that front. Then I did it again last year with someone else! Never again. It didn't bother me in the slightest to tell them but I am kind about their feelings. I think disappointment is when you really like them and they're not attracted to you. I haven't experienced that personally.

Been and Bant, this is the second time that it happens.

So, I have a first date, the guys say they want to see me again and then poof, they disappear.

If they say that they want to see me again, what happens after? Maybe I become needy? I don’t think so, but I don’t know, really.

Heartbroken after they've said they want to see you again do you change the frequency of your messages or does the content change to more personal stuff? Did you have sex on those first dates?

Been, no sex not even a kiss. I felt that the messages got a bit more personal, less “light” but is that really such a deal breaker?

Maybe I need to keep it all light until the very end?

I really think it is something I do, and would love to know what it is.

And they are definitely not married/in a relationship as we add each other on Facebook straight away. I don’t like or comment on their messages, but I know who they are.

Bant - such a spot on post. When men are acting super keen and completely smitten at the start of things I always remind myself, this isn't about me, it's about who and what they think I am. The image that has been built up in their mind. Something you wrote in there has just helped me massively, so thanks.

Well, maybe adding each other on Facebook straightaway is a sign itself? I don't add anyone until I've met them. There are pictures of my kids on there. My job, my life.

Until I've met someone in person and decided firstly that they are who they say they are, and secondly that I want to continue to get to know them - I won't let anyone onto my Facebook network.

You don't know anyone until you've met them a few times. Before you meet it's just pixels on a screen. You don't know anything about them apart from what they choose to portray, and that may be massively wide of the mark. On a first date everyone is well behaved and trying to impress. Women dress up and wear makeup, have their hair done. Men iron their shirts and wear aftershave. Everyone is trying to be funny and show how great they are.

Second dates is when they'll be rude to the waitress. Third dates they may make a racist joke. Fourth dates they admit they have a gambling problem. Fifth, they admit to being married but it's okay because they've impressed you enough that they know it'll work out.

This is not always the case, of course :) But people reveal themselves slowly. All of us do. Some of us wear fewer masks than others. Possibly the ones who go off you quickly realise that you're not a quick shag, or that you're still heartbroken by a previous relationship and don't want to get involved. Your username here implies you're still not over a former relationship, maybe people pick up on that?

You're welcome user.

(Nice to know some people appreciate the 'words of wisdom' :) )

Bant, thanks a lot. I am not a quick shag, I tell them that I want a relationship but without sounding needy (I think). We added each other on Facebook after meeting up, no photos of children (I don’t have children) and we are older so our Facebook habits are very moderate (ie we all post quite infrequently).

Actually, I did have a heartbreak at the beginning of the year, but I feel much better now. And I am ready for a new relationship, it is just a matter of finding out what I do wrong. I guess it must be that I appear needy when I relax after the first date, there doesn’t seem to be any other explanation.

But I would love to ask them ( I won’t of course).

Did they say on the date that they'd like to see you again or afterwards by message? Were they replying politely to positive noises you were making?

In all honesty I'm of the opinion that you have to be who you are and true to yourself. You're looking for someone with whom you're compatible which means he'll be receptive to how you naturally message and will naturally reciprocate. If a guy's messaging style gives me angst I bin him off as we're not compatible and life's too short to wonder why he's not texted me or why he's only used five words and not twenty-five like all his other texts. That said I think I'm unusual in this regard.

I wouldn't be getting too personal in messages after a first date though.

You didn't necessarily do anything wrong - sometimes people just don't click. You may meet a man and it just doesn't feel right. It doesn't mean he did anything wrong - his job isn't to impress you, to work out what aftershave to wear, what political views to have, or to work out whether you prefer suit and cufflinks or tshirt and jeans. His job is to be him, and your job is to be you. And sometimes those things will work together and sometimes they won't. And if they don't, then that's fine, it's a shame, move on.

You're not doing anything wrong if you're being you. That will be not quite right for many men, just as many men will be not quite right, or not at all right, for you.

Don't think about what you have to do to impress them. Think about what you like in a man, be open minded about it, and eventually you'll meet someone you click with.

been, both guys (one was around July one last week) told me after in text that they wanted to see me again, so it wasn’t just to be polite, I reckon.

I guess I need to keep looking, I am just surprised at the insensitivity of some men. I really only want a 2 minute explanation, but disappearing is easier I guess.

I am extremely empathic and when I said no to the men with whom I don’t feel a connection, I genuinely try to find kind words and to be as nice as possible. I hate wounding people’s feelings. Surely there must be men who also feel the same? If so where are they?

I went on a coffee date with MrTall yesterday. Went okay, he seemed pretty nervous but we had a good chat. Not sure if there is chemistry. He's asked me out for dinner this week so will see what happens as I'd like to see him again although I'm no bouncing off the walls about him.