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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

999 replies

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 06/10/2017 15:31

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
Aknowingsmile · 15/10/2017 11:31

whatisgoingon You're despicable. Poor, poor wife...

Original poster
Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 15/10/2017 11:31

What a revolting, pitiful, self-entitled and vain post to read Whatis. I don't believe for one moment that you're sorry for anyone who's been on the other side. You just came on here to crow and make yourself feel better. Get some help. You need it.

OP posts:
Pogmella · 15/10/2017 11:31

Yeah I ended up getting a bit tipsy so it's only on reflection I'm getting doubts. This weekend I didn't have DD and my friends were all away so at the worst I had a fun afternoon.

userxx · 15/10/2017 11:32

Whatis - why the hell would you love to be in his wife's place? This man is no prize. He's taken cheating to another level!!! You seriously need to establish some boundaries.

Pogmella · 15/10/2017 11:37

Been the other side is a fallacy. He'll be lying to them both.

Annelind · 15/10/2017 11:39

Sadly, I agree about the "paid escort" thing. A new low for the otherwise lovely dating thread Sad

Original poster
Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 15/10/2017 11:43

I couldn't agree more Annelind.

OP posts:
rosareine · 15/10/2017 11:48

Paid escort is exactly what I thought Hmm

whatisgoingon1 · 15/10/2017 11:54

I've never been in this situation before and can't help but think it is a competition.But as I said I'm done with him ,I've made the decision. I have been the cheated on wife before though too (long time ago)so completely understand the pain from other end.But before I seen her she was just a vague nearly nonexistent elusive idea, now she is a real person and probably a good one. But at the end of the day she is his commitment not mine (trying to ease my guilt here).

userxx · 15/10/2017 11:56

Yep, payment for services rendered. I wonder how many times a year he does this. His poor wife.

whatisgoingon1 · 15/10/2017 11:57

I'm no paid escort, I have a very comfortable life and a great job but it felt nice once to be taken on a lovely holiday not spending a penny.

Annelind · 15/10/2017 11:58

Not a slur on sex workers btw. They don't dress up transactions as luuuurve and act like giddy schoolgirls over trading sex for money or restaurant meals! Hmm

Pogmella · 15/10/2017 11:59

It's going to cost you one way or another.

Annelind · 15/10/2017 12:03

Well said Pog!

couchtospecialk · 15/10/2017 12:07

Hi everyone... a little too much for me to catch up I'm afraid. But whats I have to agree with others... you need to put yourself back into your rightful 'place' in that equation. You were his escort, pure and simple. He's a low-life to do that and very questionable for you to have gone along with the charade. Having been cheated on by my husband for 6 years I've got no sympathy. I'd take a good look at yourself and reassess your priorities to get yourself back on track. It sounds pretty f**ked up.

A small update from me... Mr HNL has gone quiet since our coffee on weds. Though he keeps looking at my OLD profile the saucy tart Grin but it just makes me giggle. He's lovely and think I'll always be grateful to him for being the man to get me 'back on the horse' as it were; affectionately and in good style!

I have a date on Thursday with new iron Mr Voice. We've had very long chats and text sessions 2-3 hours... He's beautiful (!), very unassuming and slightly troubled though turning his life around. Wierdly he is the exact search that I put into Soulmates (tall, dark hair, blue eyes, has kids). Think he's over-investing though, seems he has an addictive personality so instinct tells me to be cautious and I'm trying to manage his expectations.

Have also been chatting to Mr Magician who is older and not sure I fancy him but he's interesting and hilarious. Personality first so I might see if he wants to go out...

Hope you've all got a relaxing sunday planned. What news of dates for this week?

Love sorry to hear about Mr Mountain Sad

whatisgoingon1 · 15/10/2017 12:10

What's going to cost me Pog?
As I said I already gone through whirlpool of emotions ,I have feeling for him . I now wish I never done it as the consequence is I want more of him and I cant have him. Don't you think it already cost me.I have made a mistake ,yes .I somehow thought this place wouldn't be as judgemental but that's another error in my thinking. Again apologies to those that been through It, it wasn't my intention to be insensitive just needed a bit of help to come through at other end. Guess it's a wrong place

Original poster
Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 15/10/2017 12:17

I'm not Poffing for now until I see Mr TaiChi week after next. I want to see how our story writes itself. We text a tiny bit every other day or so which suits me fine as it is under-investment par excellence. I think we're both in a holding pattern just waiting to find out what our date brings. I might drag him out dancing! Real dancing not DTD dancing!

OP posts:
rosareine · 15/10/2017 12:17

*Whatisgoingon
*

Annelind · 15/10/2017 12:18

Whats I expect you'd have the same reaction no matter where you posted. We are not all the same people here - different ages and experiences, but the consensus seems to be the same. You were used as an escort, and tried to make it a relationship. Stalking his wife on social media and making comparisons btween her and you is seriously fucked up behaviour.

rosareine · 15/10/2017 12:22

Oops I'll try again

Whatisgoingon

You don't know the real him to have feelings for him. Even if you don't feel like it was a transaction that's how he saw it. He was giving you positive attention, and gifts (the holiday, meals etc) in return for sex. Like someone else said he probably does this regularly.

I think you need to work on your self esteem.

Graphista · 15/10/2017 12:22

whatis I agree despicable behaviour. You are just as morally bankrupt as he is. An escort is at least honest with herself. To diss his wife who has done NOTHING wrong is utterly disgusting.

AntiGrinch · 15/10/2017 12:30

Hi Love, any news today?

This stuck out at me from one of your posts:

"if we go out for the day I'm probably just going to feel really pissed off with the fact he let me down tonight. "

I don't think there is any point. You're annoyed and not in a good frame of mind to have a good time with this person.

I am not sure whether in your shoes I'd talk about why I was annoyed; or just leave it and move on. But you can't pretend it hasn't happened.

AntiGrinch · 15/10/2017 12:30

Been - that sounds perfect. you sound well in control.

I hope it's a good date!

Lovemusic33 · 15/10/2017 12:39

Thanks everyone. I have had enough of dating, I just don't think it's how I want to meet someone. Mr Mountain has messaged me today mainly to tell me how important work is and how it takes priority over everything else. He hasn't suggested going ahead with today, he knows I'm upset but I don't think he really has a clue what he's done wrong. I sent a few sacrcastic messages back which he has taken the wrong way and probably now thinks I'm totally cool with his work being way more important than spending the night with someone. I guess this has just sown his true colours. unless he shows up with the biggest bunch of flowers and begs for forgiveness on his hands and knees I can't see me seeing him again. It's a shame as he actually seemed nice and normal ( maybe he is but I'm expecting too much?).

Anyway a wasted weekend, well almost, going to see mr real life in a minute but not a date.

whatisgoingon1 · 15/10/2017 12:47

What a load of bs, I met him on a dating site and we been in contact for couple of months before the whole thing happened. The whole thing wasn't planned, we were meant to go on a date when he comes back from a holiday. He admitted he wasn't honest from the start ,that he still lived with his wife and I do believe they wernt intimate (I'm not going to go into details here but from what I seen,heard and felt later on it made sence). Oh and he met his wife online too,years ago so I guess he carried on looking when relationship deteriorated. All ofcourse makes him a wanker but i don't believe it reduces me to escort.He has money he could have actually hire one if he wanted just sex. It seem too elaborate to ask someone to come out to see him abroad that lives few miles away instead of ordering someone who has no idea who he is. Sex wasn't brought up in conversation at all by him ever ,he never made sexual advances and it happened later on not even on first couple of days, he slept in different room until I asked him to join me in bed and it was a bonus that we both enjoyed later on.