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Original poster

The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

999 replies

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 06/10/2017 15:31

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 14/10/2017 20:57

1DAD I'm not sure if he's still online as I haven't checked all week, I'm guessing he is. I'm not sure if he has other irons but judging by the amount of time he spends texting me he hasn't had time to date ( but you never know). I'm annoyed as I'm working next weekend and he knows this so we won't have a chance to do a sleep over for awhile, probably wont even be able to go on a date for a while. TBH he's probably not as bothered about sex as I am ( that's the impression I get) but he's always keen to go out and do things or eat out. Maybe he's looking for a friend rather than a lover? I don't know.

1DAD2KIDS · 14/10/2017 21:18

Well Love if it is all genuine and your right about the just prioritising friend bit, maybe it could be a bit of a red flag for you? I get the impression (from what you said before) you have a high drive. He may not and you may have totally mismatch drives. Your not looking for only a friend, your looking for the whole package in a LTR. He may therefore not tick all the boxes. If you had a LTR, mismatch drives could become a real problem. Imagine having someone around you all the time who didn't want it anywhere near as much as you? Imagine your frutrastion, imagine the unpleasant pressure he would be under? Anyway that probably me thinking way ahead.

But may you may want to hold back now from that exclusivity chat?

Gutted for you. It so disappointing when these rare opportunities are squandered last minute. I'm now exclusively seeing contract and she only lives 2 miles away but we hardly get the time to see eachother. I mean seriously little slots of a couple of hours here and there once or twice a week (I am having to be really creative with my schedulers, lucky she don't work). Don't think we are both free to spend the night together for the next few weeks. It's really hard when all you want to do is spend quality time with someone and really get to know them. But kids and life make that time hard to find. So I know what it's like and I am really gutted for you.

PhoenixMama · 14/10/2017 22:08

Hi Love - just catching up. So sorry about tonight, I know how much you were looking forward to it.

Two thoughts from me... 1. In my experience men put a lot more emphasis on (and pressure on themselves) when it comes to work. I’ve worked for myself & suddenly found myself overwhelmed by stuff that I thought I could do and couldn’t relax & till it was done. He might have thought better to have a day with you than just a night & then he needed to disappear.

  1. You might be on totally different pages. I know how you were worried about over thinking- is there any chance he just wants a fb/fwb situ & you’re reading into it?

I would see what happens tomorrow but I would also tell him I was hurt (not saying that’s the right thing lol but probably what I would feel I had to do!) obvs if he bails I’d just say we were done & try to move on after crying my eyes out and drinking a bottle of wine.

Bant · 14/10/2017 22:53

But there aren't lazy morning snuggles, there are several kids who haven't met him, he'll feel awkward, possibly.

I agree that it's shit of him to cancel. Does he have kids himself?

The comments about 'what is it with men needing to earn money?' do clash somewhat with comments I've seen on other threads about 'my ex said he'd pay to take the kids away at Christmas but now says he can't afford it because he was seeing some new woman instead of earning money for his kids'

I can see his perspective, possibly, if it's that.

But if it's not, then I'd be pissed off at being let down too.

However. This is a new relationship. It's fragile. If you act pissed off then you'll put him off. If you choose to do that, then that's your call. It's not at a mature enough stage yet where you can expect to show him the cold shoulder and expect him to try to please you to make up for it. Instead, he'll walk away thinking 'lucky escape' because he won't accept he's in the wrong.

So, if you want to persist with the possibility of something, just be clear and say that you understand things can come up, but you're a bit disquieted, unsettled, concerned, that this may happen a lot, because you can't deal with that uncertainty from someone

Put it back onto him, without being angry, just point out that it's not really on, but no anger and no bitterness. Those will just make him run away.

rosareine · 14/10/2017 23:48

Just got in from seeing Mr kitchens (we met at 6!), it went well. We had drinks and dinner. Conversations flowed and he's rather handsome Wink

He walked me home and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek goodbye (I was hoping for a real kiss Blush). He's already said he definitely wants a second date.

Ciaovenora · 15/10/2017 00:33

However. This is a new relationship. It's fragile. If you act pissed off then you'll put him off

But, they're not in a relationship she has met the guy once maybe twice they don't even know each other.

Yep cancelling was bad form so late.

Mintychoc1 · 15/10/2017 09:02

lovemusic am I right in thinking you have kids who would be in the house all night? I think the prospect of having sex for the first time with someone while their kids slept in the next door room would be potentially a bit anxiety-provoking. Have you been seeing eachother long? From what I've seen, some men get quite a bit of performance anxiety, so maybe he's just decided the whole scenario is too stressful, and he'd rather just doing the easy Sunday daytime bit.

Are your kids out for the day today? Why can't you have sex during the day when the house is empty?

ojojoj1 · 15/10/2017 09:15

Hi everyone just catching up on posts I gave up dating app and for October but have outstanding lunch date today . Would be nice if we clicked but if not it's ok as well

Lovemusic33 · 15/10/2017 09:29

Minty we weren't having sex for the first time.

He doesn't have kids (no kids to buy Christmas presents for, money is to buy himself something).

I mgiving up. Have deleted my accounts, can't do this anymore Sad, good luck everyone xx

Annelind · 15/10/2017 09:56

Love delurking to give you Flowers I understand perfectly how pissed off you feel about that guy. Makes you feel bottom of his list of priorities. I feel a heart to heart talk with him would clear the air, even if you don't want to see him for some time - or ever- it would at least let him know you are NOT someone to be trifled with. It's shit to put work before you, rather unnecessarily in my view, as the arrangement was cancelled so last minute. I'm angry on your behalf, and would be apoplectic with rage if it were actually me!

PhoenixMama · 15/10/2017 10:05

Love What's happening with today? Have you heard from him? You have every right to be annoyed but see what he does before giving up!

Annelind · 15/10/2017 10:15

Phoenix - I see where you're coming from, but this has clearly deeply affected Love and I feel "see what he does" won't cut it! firm boundaries have to be established - Love has DC he doesn't, but she is still put aside last minute. Not on!

userxx · 15/10/2017 10:21

Annelind - this is a man she has met once or twice, having a full on showdown would be completely over the top. You have to have a very thick skin and I really don't think old is for everyone. You can't let it deeply affect you, a virtual random stranger should not hold so much power over you.

userxx · 15/10/2017 10:23

Love - don't fully give up. Maybe take a break for s few months. If you don't hear from him today, I wouldn't bother contacting him.

rosareine · 15/10/2017 10:32

Love I agree with users advice, maybe take a break from it all for a while. I wouldn't contact him again either.

Flowers

user1490465531 · 15/10/2017 10:34

All I read on the dating thread is women chasing these non commital men.
I think if a man starts to mess you around early on it does not bode well for the future especially in the early days when you are meant to be making a good impression.
Truth be told most men dont seem bothered about getting into a relationship these days.
Of course some still want one but a lot seem to enjoy a bachelor lifestyle and then use OLD when they fancy a hook up.

PurpleSweetPeas · 15/10/2017 11:05

Love I’m coming back on to sendWineFlowers.
I know we both come from a similar place with overthinking and he has treated you really poorly.
Has he contacted you about today? If not by now then I’d def delete and block. You don’t need the extra worry about what he might or might not do.
Go and do something nice for you today.

Pogmella · 15/10/2017 11:15

Has he showed up today love?

Starting to have misgivings on reflection over mine. Realise he was evasive about a few things... But then again I'm only after a distraction at the moment so perhaps that Ok?

whatisgoingon1 · 15/10/2017 11:19

Hi ladies and gentlemen.
Think I'm ready to update now as I'm regaining control.
I like to think I'm a confident intelligent sensible dater but somehow done a stupid thing,fully knowing it's not just a risk but dead end situation...if anyone remembers my Mr Banker situation from previous thread that turned out to be married but wanting a "relationship " with me... well I had a wobble in judgement and dived into it stupidly, did a complete uturn on my principles and usual behaviour. He was still abroad on his golfing holiday turning into beach resort one and he talked me round to join him.He bought me tickets,paid for everything while there from taxi to shampoo , been taking me out to expensive restaurants , bars and personally turned out much better than I even imagined. Very articulate,intelligent,tall ,good looking with great bum and beautifully shaped legs,very well-mannered , charming and eager to please me in every aspect. It was so good I can honestly say it was the best time away I had with a man .By day 2 we acted as a couple ,holding hands and taking pics.I lost my precautions and really enjoyed It,he seemed too.We made vague plans saying we don't want it to end and definitely want to see each other again and go away together again too. We were coming back on the same flight,he warned prior that his wife is picking him up at the airport and we have to split up and act as strangers.I was ok with that initially. When we got to airport,somehow taxi driver made a reference to me as his wife, I could see that smile on his face..god ! But basically straight out of taxi he made it clear we are to split up now, explaining due to his extensive work contacts he often seed aquiatances and colleagues at airports so it's a no no. My head understand all that but I felt upset and humiliated. He sensed it and tried to make me feel better saying he had great time but we have to be strangers.His tone of voice was caring and warm at that point. And basically it's last time I ever spoke to him. On arrival at home airport we gone through a real soap opera awkward dramatic moment, when inadvertently I watched his wife drive in to short stay car park, him fully aware I'm watching him getting in the car, turning around to look at me, giving her a kiss on the cheek, getting out of the car, looking at me again,placing his golf equipment in the car boot,looking at me again (All with a stone cold expression) then getting back in and them driving off.
I felt sorry both for me and her.For me because she has him,she takes him home when I would love to be at her place...For her because she's unaware he brought another woman to be away with him,just few hours prior ...
I messaged him few times after..im so weak nearly in love..trying to fight my feelings..gone through a whirlpool of emotions recently..he doesn't reply,only reads my messages..
I went to a lenth of researching both him and her,found a lot of information..hes a upper middle squeaky clean lying cheat living in a picturesque village few miles away from me.
She isn't better than I am. In any respect. She's not prettier,not better educated, doesn't have a better job or real carier. I'm self sufficient attractive younger woman with everyone knowing me (including him) saying how well I done for myself and my kids.
But it doesn't mean shit that I'm more appealing,she's the wife and I'm a random woman. Apologies to those reading this and been on another end of the story, just want to say it feels confidence destroying on the other end too. Anyway yesterday I decided to regain my power, can't bring myself to block him but I have deleted his contact and have no intention of contacting him in future. I guess posting it here makes it official! It feels liberating!

Annelind · 15/10/2017 11:21

Pog go with your gut instinct on this one!

Pogmella · 15/10/2017 11:24

whatisgoingon WTF? Where the hell do you get off thinking you're better than his wife? He's cheating on you both, cut him dead. That poor woman is probably wondering what she's done to deserve the cold shoulder- or what's triggered his massive increase in libido, depending on what day it is.

My husband's living with the OW. I cannot believe she knew he was married and entered into a relationship with him. You're ruining a life, stop.

Pogmella · 15/10/2017 11:25

Annelind we agreed to meet for coffee on Wednesday... Do you think I should bail? It was fun spending time with him but maybe those doubts will just start to grow...

Annelind · 15/10/2017 11:28

Pog a coffee is harmless enough. Make that your decision time?

Annelind · 15/10/2017 11:30

whats it's not a competition with his wife. He's a cheating scumbag. Delete and leave him to his wife FFS!!!!

user1490465531 · 15/10/2017 11:30

Whatsgoing you were basically his hired escort for the holiday.
Women like you deserve everything you get.

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