The Dating Thread Number 123: We're so over over-investing

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Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Roseareine - you say you’re young. How young exactly? That might be something to do with it, as are the ages of guys you’re looking for.

Been - you sound like there’s a lot going on but in typical Been style you have it under control.

Purple - I don’t resent it per se, probably because of how much I love my dd. I always say I got DD and he got a life. His life is so much easier than mine - he’s partnered again so dual incomes, they go on loads of hols & city breaks (without DD!) Parenting isn’t the hard part of single parenting, for me it’s the financial hardship.

Cestlavie - The big thing you have to remember though is social media is not real life. I’ve worked with sm influencers and they all schedule their posts in advance. With that many followers he might do too. They usually have a selection of vids ready to go up at any point. I’ve had similar & when I pushed back it turn out the guy was a recovering Cocaine addict who’d fallen off the wagon!!! You’ll never know the back story, delete & move on!

28 isnt young. 10 years since you reached the age of majority.

Niki I agree but it seems to be young enough for men to be shocked that I have four children.

I usually write off men my own age without kids, maybe where I'm possibly going wrong? I just assume they're after sex...

I prefer men without kids or grown up kids, just personal preference. There doesn't seem to be many without kids.

Hi! Trying OLD after found out about OW about 6 weeks ago. It's clearly way too soon but.... going out for an afternoon pint on Saturday. I didnt plan to but he was so easy to chat to and it just felt natural to agree... Also for the first time ever haven't been checking up on STBXH WhatsApp status.

rosareine if it helps contract who I have started seeing is a mum of two, not working and is currently studying. I care about finances when dating someone. But she provides for her self and her kids. She has always been a hard worker. She is ambitious, studying for better job prospects when the kids are a little older and aims to buy her council house down the line. She pays her own way, in fact she bought me dinner on our first dinner date the other day (it was a nice feeling). I don't want another woman child like my ex and therefore am admittedly I am a little cautious of women who don't work. A fully independent woman is important to me, especially as I have my work cut out raising my own kids. Whether she works or not is not important to me as long as she can handle her own affairs and provide for her family then that is good enough for me. I can't be the only guy that thinks like that.

Also a little update I have talked to FWB tonight and officially pulled the plug. It was actually quite sad.

After a fair bit of chat juggling I seem to have 3, 1st dates lined up for the next 4 days and maybe a mooseburger serving (we've met irl before) for the 4th day!!

I haven't had a weekend at home and child free since August so I'm making the most of it.

No iron names till I see how the weekend goes. Investment free zone here

Well I have no kids of my own (two grown-up DSDs) and I only want men with kids who have had a relationship of more than 10 years and who have been married but are divorced! Widowed is OK but I'm cautious as I've tried that one already...

1Dad good for you - that's such a sad but necessary thing to have to do.

Phoenix another muddle with alias there!

Rosa I like what Phoenix suggested. While I'm an advocate of honesty I wouldn't roll out all of your history upfront. Let's face it the chances of any of us getting from message to first date seems quite slim so you could mention it as you get closer to date one. I filter by education level on POF as I'd quite like a well-educated one so if you do that you may be likely to find someone who gets that you're a mature student.

Pog don't get carried away with thinking that an easy flow of messages or connection at this point will translate into something in RL. Remember - he's a stranger writing his own story. You'll find out on Saturday if you want to know the prologue and next chapter. Enjoy it but don't over-invest!

Spring go you!

So I've set up my account again, taken the advice given and just mentioned I have children on my profile.

I have two potentials at the moment and both have asked about the kids and seemed unfazed when I said I had four.

So we shall see...

Rosa good for you. Try not to take any ill will to heart. I was called a flaccid old cod the other day (just writing that makes me laugh) because I said a very nice no thanks as a reply to a first message someone had made an effort with! My photos give no indication as to how flaccid I may or may not be. He was just miffed and my view is thank god I said no thanks to the tosser.

Oh BEEN that did make me laugh.
I had a similar experience the other day, I got a message from a bloke who was really my type, so I thought I'd be polite and not ignore his message like all mine seem to get ignored and tell him he wasnt my type and wished him good luck. He sent a message back saying 'charming'
I was a bit affronted by that and told him that i could've just ignored his message but was trying to be polite!!
It makes you wonder, why bother being polite??!! Lol

Thanks Been and user I'm trying to be careful. It's such a nice distraction from all the crap at thevmoment, trying to just use it for that.

So I still haven't had the exclusive chat with Mr Mountain, he's staying at mine over the weekend and I feel uneasy that he may still be talking to others on POF. I'm going to have to talk to him before he stays over aren't I? I explained to him last night that I don't just let anyone stay over, explained that my dc's will be here (they will only meet briefly). I just don't want him to thget no I'm really insecure even though I probably am after my ex cheated on me by talking to others online a year after we met.

serial I think that's one of the reasons why people rarely send thanks but no thanks messages on OLD sites, as in they then receive a sarcastic or abusive message back. I've had it happen to me too.

I don't reckon I'll bother again MYUSER I'll just be ignorant like everyone else!!! Lol

LOVE I would feel the same as you, I would hate to be thinking of the guy I was seeing messaging other people. I suppose you've got the choice of having the chat before he comes over or having it in person to gauge his reaction see if he's lying his ass off lol

Morning... good grief a flaccid old cod. Got to give respect for the eloquence of the insult! But more to the point, what a nob.

I had a nice sexually charged coffee with Mr HNL yesterday to talk about what we were doing / looking for from OLD. The upshot is that we agreed I'm not ready for a relationship. For me though and more than that, we've got vastly different backgrounds and he's way more clever/ sophisticated than me which I think long term would be a source of frustration for us both. So all we have really are that we like each other, have some things in common and the mad sexual chemistry. So not much further forward but either way I reckon it's cooling off. He's a bloody decent bloke though and doesn't play games which I'm grateful for.

Had some good likes on OLD but no-one actively engaging (apart from one rude bloke and a mystery slimeball who's actually quite funny ). Still on the hunt!

Serial I think I have to message him tonight as it's messing with my head. Haven't got a clue how to ask him nicely to remove himself from POF. I'm going to remove myself from their first, I haven't logged on for ads as I don't like seeing that he's been on there (and the only reason I log on is to see if he's been on there). Any ideas how I can word a message to him? I'm useless at these things. I really don't want him coming over at the weekend if he is seeing other women .

I'm going to keep busy today (going out for lunch with a friend) and try not to overthink things, try not to worry about what will happen if he doesn't agree to come off of POF.

Lovemusic33
Don't message him, it is not a text or phone conversation. Bring it up when he's at yours before DTD and take it from there.Be prepared it doesn't go well and he will have to leave .

Love - I think you have to be careful what you say here. You can't say "I want you to delete your profile" (he'll probably just hide it anyways - its still very very early days). I'd just say something along the lines of "I'm really enjoying our time together and I don't want to see anyone else right now so I wondered how you'd feel about being exclusive?" Once you've had the exclusivity talk then you can say "Great - shall we hide our profiles?"

Also - I've had guys say "I'm not ready for that yet" when I've had the exclusivity conversation so you have to be prepared that he might think it's too early. If he does respond like that then I'd ask when he thinks it would be appropriate. I ditched one of the guys that said the above but I stuck with one and it was very obvious within a week or so that there wasn't anybody else.

My big question to you is this: What does he SHOW you? People can tell you all sorts of BS but their actions are the true representations of their feelings.

From my personal previous experience ,my ex and I had that chat face to face and he agreed we both would remove our profiles .I thought that went well and easy ! I did remove mine and found out few days later on that he did not remove his. Ouch!

Phoenix I agree, I can't just ask him to delete his profile. I'm thinking of deleting mine and then send him a message to say 'I have deleted my profile on POF as I'm not looking for anyone else' type of thing? and then set up a fake account to see if he deletes his ,it's hard, if I leave it until he comes over at the weekend he will then get to meet my dc's before I even know if he's going to carry on dating other women, if he is going to carry on then I don't want to continue. I'm pretty sure he hasn't been in any other dates as he messages me non stop most evenings, shows me pictures of what he's doing etc.. unless he has taken time off work to meet other people which I don't think is that likely (but possible). He could be talking to others though. He seems pretty keen and seems very in to me but I have seen it all before and then they vanish.

whatis that's my worry too, a part of me just thinks I should just remove my profile and then he might do the same but then how would I know? Also maybe he's only on there because I'm still on there and he's checking if I'm online? Grrrrrrrr, why is this dating lark so confusing?