Who is behaving badly here

[SpotAGuillemot]

Dh works long hours and has a long commute. He's usually out of the house approx 16 hours a day and often had to work abroad at short notice for 2-3 days at a time. Once every couple of weeks or so he's able to work from home which means he can walk dc1 to school or drop dc2 at nursery and then sometimes help with pickup depending on how much work he has to do.

We live rurally, moved here to give kids better standard of living. Dc1 has additional needs which mean I have to be a sahm. I fell very isolated here, don't really have any friends and have been struggling hugely with depression since having dc2 2 years ago.

So here's the problem. Dh will never tell me when he's coming home, when he's working from home or when he has to go abroad. It will regularly get to 11pm or so, I'll text asking what time he'll be home and he'll text back telling me he's in Sweden. Or I'll be rushing around getting dc's ready to leave in the morning, start loading them into the car and dh will come out and say 'I was going to help and walk dc1 to school but you obviously don't want that.' He won't have told me he's working from home or that he could help. If he's working from home and I cut my day out short with dc2 so I can pick up dc1 from school he will always be free to pick dc1 up. If I ask him if I can stay out longer with dc2 and he pick up dc1 it's always 'hmm, that should be ok.' Which is absolutely no help as I'll be an hour or so away.

Whenever I ask when he'll be home/ away/ whatever I'm nagging and controlling. He tells me it's because I'm depressed and I need to learn to be more self sufficient. My argument is that I don't know whether to cook him supper or not. If he's not home I'll eat earlier with dc's and probably just eat what they do. If he is home I'll cook us proper grown up food and eat with him.

It's driving me mad. I genuinely think each time he doesn't come home or randomly does stay at home without telling me I love him a bit less. How can I make him see how much I need him to tell me these things. Or am I being controlling and I just need to chill out about it?

It is one of the most frustrating things in life (believe me, I know) to feel that if you could only understand why something had happened, you could come to terms with it and be at peace even if the consequences weren't all happy ones. Because sometimes you just can't get that explanation and you'll never know why something happened or someone acted the way they did. All you can do is realise that it happened, it can't be undone, and the only way to salvage something now is to get on with the life that's in front of you. Please don't feel, OP, that you have to get answers or justification to leave. Because you may never get those things. You still have to keep walking forward.

Dc2 is under 2 so he has to sit on my lap. He won't sit on dh's lap because he only wants me. And he won't sit on my lap because he'll want to charge up and down the aisle, eat everyone else's meals and flirt with the air hostesses.

I looked at rightmove on the iPad which I never delete the history for. It's the iPad the dc's use too so h was probably having a nose through it.

I think you're probably right there buttery. It just all seems so sad. I really did love dh and I really thought he loved me. We've had some brilliant times together and there wasn't one doubt in my head when I married him. But since dc1 was born the whole balance of our relationship has changed. I'm now so dependant on him for money, company and a break from the dc's and his life is just the same as ever.

Just make sure he doesn't also have a nose through your mumsnet posting history too.

Make sure you're logged out after each session, and maybe use in-private browsing.

OP, I hope you leave him. He sounds an awful man.

I MN on my phone which he doesn't know the password to. TBH though I'd quite like him to see this thread and he could see everyone saying that it's not me being a control freak. I just don't know if he genuinely thinks I'm being unreasonable by asking him to tell me when he's home or if he does it as some form of manipulation.

If I could convince him to do some kind of therapy with me could that help? Would a therapist back me up or do they just remain impartial?

I've tried to talk to mil about it before but she just thinks it's funny as fil did it to her when he worked. She even said it drove her so mad tha she threatened to leave once. But she sort of looks back on it with nostalgia and a 'well, what can you do?' kind of attitude.

Your Mil probably means her DH would neglect to tell her his train was delayed or he was having a quick drink and would be late for supper - in an era before mobile phones.
Not that he wouldn't be home at all that evening because he'd gone to New York!
Also, doubt she was coping with as much as you seem to have to, with as little support?
The way you're expected to live really isn't normal or reasonable.

So, you know where he gets it from then. :(

I would absolutely NOT be going on holiday with him and would ABSOLUTELY be going to see a lawyer tomorrow.
You already have one foot out of the door, why would you give yourself any more grief?

Therapy only works if you are committed to change. Therefore If I could convince him to do some kind of therapy with me could that help? Is a straight no. If he decided his behaviour was unacceptable and wanted to change then he could try therapy and maybe in a few years time he would have changed. Of course, in that very unlikely scenario given what you've written he would most likely realise he had to stay away from you because your dynamic is one where he is a thundercunt to you and that's too hard to unlearn. It would be helpful to the next woman. Not that he would want to go to therapy so it's all a moot point.

You are clutching at straws now.

I'd really advise getting some proper legal advice before you rush into agreeing things like only taking 15% equity from your marital home. You are going to be entitled to at least half and probably more because you have to house the children.
When I split with my exH my name wasn't on the mortgage and as our two DC would be living with me I was entitled to 2/3 of the value of the house.
When you divorce both of you will have to fill out a form (I think it's called a form E) declaring all your financial assets - it's a legal form that's then used by the courts to divide things up fairly.
As full time carer for your three children you are in a very strong position please please get some legal advice before he starts to realise you are genuinely planning on leaving.

If he suspects you're leaving, you'll probably find that the joint current account has been cleaned out.

Can I second that. Check that joint account this morning.

Yes he rolled his eyes but he's now seen you looking at houses, which is why he's booked a holiday (throw doggy a bone).

If he seriously suspects you might leave, the first thing he will do is clear that account.

He is nasty, with no true regard for you, and his priority is getting what he wants. Don't forget that. Part of you is still working within these 'normal' marriage parameters- he isn't, hasn't done for a long time. He'll do his best to prevent you taking action.

Personally I would carry on making plans and GO! As planned, before the holiday. You dont owe him - in fact you owe it to yourself and your children to take the action you planned, with good reason, before he spikes your guns.

This holiday is just another example of control and prevention of you having a say or having your wishes respected. See plane with 2 year old.

So go. Leave. And when he explodes, you calmly say 'why should I have told you? If it's fine for you to do exactly what you want, when you want, then it's fine for me. Unpleasant, isn't it?'

Well, I'm not going on holiday now! Dc2 has a chest infection and has been awake all night. I was giving him a cuddle at about 10 last night when he started coughing and puked all over me and himself. I shout down to dh to help - no answer. I carry sick covered dc downstairs to look for him - he's on the rowing machine with headphones in. I ask him to clean up dc so I can have a shower. Ok, he says, I'll just be ten more minutes.

So I went back upstairs, had a shower with dc, changed sheets and got into bed. No sign of dh. At about 11.30 I start to wonder where he is. I go looking for him to find him tucking himself in in the spare room. Apparently there's no point us both not getting any sleep. He didn't think it necessary to tell me this. Poor little dc has been up most of the night.

I've spent this morning loading up the car. I'll collect dc1 from school and we're driving straight down to DM's. Fuck him.

Well done, op.
What a vile specimen of humanity he is.

It's the right call OP. You will be so much better off without this guy, and with some support.

You're better off out of it OP. He doesn't want to be a dad and husband, he just wants to do whatever he personally wants. You shouldn't have to bear with that any more. Can you transfer funds from the joint account before you go?

Good idea re transferring. And once you arrive a lawyer is top of your action list.

Well done you.

Please transfer the funds asap!!!!

Please don't hold your breath for any kind of explanation. If he was reasonable enough to give you one, you wouldn't be in this position now. He doesn't have either the will or the self awareness to do that.

He will make it your fault. It won't be fair. Bite your tongue, go with it, leave him and get the best deal you can.

I always ask women the same question when their husbands have these "incredibly demanding" jobs that keep them from being a real husband or father.

Is he getting promoted? Is he making much more money this year than last year? I work in an industry with many people (almost all men, to be honest) who do work long hours, all over the country and beyond, and I can tell you -- some of them are very careful to plan out family time and others love being out and about and having a girl in every port.

What I can tell you is that if he's not making a good deal more year-on-year, every year, and rising higher in his career path, he's not actually dedicating that time away to working. The people who are truly that level of slavishly devoted to their workplace are hiring cleaners and cooks and even event planners so their wives can devote more time to childcare. They're rising higher and even though their kids and wives don't see them much, they can see in what comes through money-wise that the hours are doing something big.

When men claim they're oh-so-busy, working away and all, and are just treading water in sales-type jobs like account executive, it's usually because "soooo busy working away" translates to "getting wasted," "using prostitutes," or "funding a mistress."

Well done. He definitely doesn't deserve you or his children.

Don't fall for the inevitable "I've changed" promise.

Good Lord, your husband couldn't make his contempt any clearer if he gave you a neon sign saying 'I disregard you entirely'.

Glad you are going, and the very best of luck.

Hope you're OK OP. Utter piece of shit your DH has been. Hope you and your DCs are safely on your way xxx