I just want to moan about selfish DH

[N0RA]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself and want to talk to someone who will understand.

I know DH is completely selfish and our marriage is dead but some things just bring it home.

Last night we were all out playing in a local sports event - me DH and three kids - 12,14 and 16. It's very unusual for him to come out with us, the last time we did this was several years ago.

Unfortunately another person ran into me , knocked me over and I and split my head open. I had to be carried off amid much drama and blood and my kids were really scared.

DH behaved ok at the event, the first aiders told him to take to me to hospital and he agreed to do so. The most important thing in his life is looking good to strangers so he never acts up in front of people.

BTW Home, hospital and sports venue are all about two miles apart ( this is relevant ) .

He fetched the car without complaining ( in front of the staff) and brought it round as I couldn't walk very well and the first aid people put me in it. However as soon as I got in I could tell he was really cross.

He's very passive agressive, he doesn't argue usually, just does things wrong or " forgets " .

He was annoyed and obviously wanted to go home first so I could get my own car and drive myself to the hospital, so he didn't have to come for me later. So he " forgot " and took the route home so I had to "remind " him to go to the hospital, because I wasn't nearly well enough to drive.

Then he got " confused " about how to find the A&E department - it's a small well signposted modern hospital which he's been to dozens of time . So I knew he was really angry.

DH was just going to drop me on my own but 16yo wanted to come with me as all the children were worried. So that was fine.

DH wanted to leave me at the drop off area but 16yo couldnt manage to push me in the A&E wheelchair so he had to push me in ( she didn't realise you have to pull and not push ) .

Then he was annoyed that he had to check me in at the desk because I was too confused and bleeding everywhere from my head. On reflection I realise he could have asked DD to do this, but the receptionist was asking him and not her ( unsurprisingly I guess as she's a teenager and he's a grown man ) . So he gave them my wrong date of birth and address and they couldn't find me on their system.

He does all these things as part of punishing me for inconveniencing him, when in fact all it did was delay him even longer - it took him 10 mins when it could have taken 5. But if you pointed that out to him he would become even more angry.

So as soon as they found my details he left and took the other kids home.

Everything was fine in A&E, I got seen immediately and treated relatively quickly ( given that it wasn't serious ) and sent home about midnight.

However DH was obviously annoyed at having to come and collect us so he had let his phone go flat ( hes obsessed by his phone, he NEVER lets it run out of power) andhe didn't answer the house phone as he was busy ( watching TV).

I knew there was no chance of a taxi for hours at closing time on a Saturday night. We Started to walk home as it's only a couple of miles and I was feeling much less shaky by then and we ( me and DD ) are both pretty fit. But DD was upset so , unknown to me, she texted her younger brother on his mobile to get dad to come for us. So we had only walked about 1/4 mile when he arrived, very cross.

He's very resentful at having been thwarted so I know he will take it out on me and the kids . He will feel that I have backed him into a corner by forcing him to come out late at night to pick us up.

And today he's even more pissed off because I've not to drive for 24 hours and he has to take the kids to their usual activities.

He's especially annoyed it it's the Grand Prix which he always watches.

I'm sitting in bed feeling sorry for myself worrying about how he's going to take it out on me today. My guess is that he'll take the children late to their events ( his usual if he's asked to do anything) and he'll punish me later for sure.

He's pretty shit really isn't he? It looks worse now I've written it all down.

He's a Snowflake, you are an enabler and have been for a long time.
Your just his and if you step out of his lines it's a crisis.
I think he loves ya but some folk are just brought up different and hard.
No patience. You need to tell him and not be afraid

Get a better lawyer.

OP looking at your last posts(and your first was utterly shocking - I've known strangers be kinder than he was - the image of you and your daughter walking home after A&E is just horrible)

1. It no longer matters that your children will have to see him after you divorce. What matters is that if you stay and put up with this you are telling them that this is what they should tolerate in a relationship. If you are out of it and they still have to put up with his shit at least they can say "but this is why mum divorced him" and can deal or not with his crap off their own bat - not try to integrate it into a narrative of marriage and love.
2. He loses far more in divorce than you do. Just go see a proper lawyer. Tell him or her you want a divorce no matter what, you want your children to be as settled as possible - as in not moving out of their current area, and then see what happens
3. Who cares if you never date again? You aren't dating now. you are in an abusive horrible situation living intimately with a man who dislikes you. Trust me, living alone forever will be an utter relief to you.

I understand all the concerns you have. But what you described as an instance of "selfishness" is utterly horrifying for most of us. you are living an horrific life. Your children will be affected by it. There will never be a good time - just now. Your children won't thank you for staying.

YY to everything Palliser says above.

Op - how are you today?

Is there anyone in RL that you can talk to as well as us on mn?

It doesn't look bad because it's written down!

It may have taken a bang to the head to knock some sense into you but please don't let this pass you by.

You have good enough reasons to leave. You are worth more.

This is really, seriously bad OP

It is not "just an instance of selfishness"

Nora, you have a job. You leave, you get a new home. Let him keep that one. Take your dcs.

Don't give him the satisfaction or power of a fight. The end game here is a better life for you all.

On your death bed you won't be saying "I'm so glad I stayed"....

@Theoscargoesto you should post more often! Beautifully put.
We really are all right behind you op.

Nora, stbxh was identical and I had a situation where I was hospitalised and his care for me was non existant.
I know that had I got ill I would have been alone or worse the children would have felt obligated.
You are already alone and maybe even more lonely than you realise.

From a practical and financial view point it's worth separating whilst children are at home.He will have to be more generous.

What would happen if you raised issues with him? How does he react?

I came onto Mumsnet to have my own moan/seek advice - but seeing this makes mine feel of much lesser importance. You so shouldn't have to put up with this.

Maybe I'll start another thread about mine. There are some similarities - my DH likes to act the hero in times of crisis - but doesn't pull his weight on a day to day basis. It makes me feel completely unrespected and I'm thinking of getting out.

This sort of thing, you can play it down while you're in that situation and think "oh it's better than XYZ", but when you're out, you look back in wonder.

how he will punish me and the children
He's already punishing you all the time. If you start the process now, eventually you will be out of his clutches.

we work together so I would have to leave
That would be a place to start, then - looking for a new job to give yourself one less reason to stay.

passive agressive men like him enjoy very high conflict divorces, whereas I struggle with any kind of conflict

• get counselling to help you believe in yourself and stop writing yourself off as not able to do x or y
• get support from friends? family? other divorcees in local area?
• get a good lawyer who doesn't butt in with irrelevant rubbish about you being paranoid but instead does her job
• choose between long-term crap sapping away at your brain until you die, and short-term crap that will leave you - afterwards - with a few years of being the person you were before you met him

Are you worried that he is going to come out of this looking good and you will lose friends, due to his machinations? In my experience, that good-guy image doesn't remain untarnished, and outsiders don't automatically take his side. And it may be time to channel your anger and put two fingers up to what others think. Afterwards you can also find some new friends who know you only as the gutsy divorcee.

Op you are walking on eggshells with a manipulative, passive aggressive narcissist.
He is more than selfish. He is nasty, evil and a complete mysogonist.
Your children are watching and learning from this man on how to treat you.
I do not mean to be cruel but sitting feeling sorry for yourself will not change your life...only you can do that.
Read Lundy Bancroft..."Why does he do that".

You need to start planning your escape from this man because if you don't you will regret the years you spent with him.
He has you confused as to whether you think his behaviour is selfish it's far more than that...it's Severe Emotional Abuse at the very least.
It will take all your strength to get out of the marriage do not waste any more time and energy trying to live in an abusive relationship.

I walked out with my children when they were little with just our clothes.
I did not even want the house I just wanted to feel safe behind my own front door.

Sorry for the radio silence , I was back to work today and I'm just struggling with exhaustion . Apparently that's normal after a head injury so I've not to worry, according to the community traumatic head injury team who phoned today ( they are from my GP I think ) .

I managed to get my enormous comedy bandage off and the blood washed out of my hair without too much pain so I look a bit more normal. I was supposed to have kept it on for 48 hours but I couldn't possibly have gone to work looking like that.

I'm very grateful to you for for your kind words of advice and support, here and by PM. I'm getting advice from MN towers on possibly moving or starting else where IYSWIM.

That was a compression bandage, wasn't it? You are probably slowing your healing down at best by taking it off too soon. You must prioritise your health, head injuries are very serious.

Try and take care of yourself and please think about getting some good legal advice

Some of your posts are telling us what will happen, how he will behave when in fact you have no real idea of the fall out when he is forced to leave the home and you file for divorce. You are using your assumptions as reasons not to leave.

Stop making assumptions and speak to Women's Aid and also to a solicitor. Stop worrying about what others think. Nowadays if a marriage breaks up people don't say 'she's a slut' or he's a wife beater or whatever, they say we don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Don't assume he will be cruel to the DCs if you split. I would guess the most likely scenario for a selfish individual like him is a new partner in no time at all to cater to his needs. And then little interest in the DCs (like now).

Why have you gone back to work if you are not feeling 100% ?

Nora, I will only echo what the others have said regarding the fact that you have been totally conditioned to put up with this abuse. It must be so so hard for you to read such an unequivocal response from your fellow mumsnetters on this topic about your abuse at the hands of somebody who is supposed to love and care for you.

However, you are not just an abused wife,. You are also a parent and you need to take some decisive action very soon. If you won't leave him for your own sake, will you please do it to send a message to your 16 year old daughter (and her younger siblings) that this dynamic between her parents is wholly abnormal and abusive. So that she doesn't find herself trapped in a cycle of abuse where she tolerates similar abuse in her own adult relationships, because she too has become so conditioned to its normalcy.

I can guarantee you your children will be better off if you leave this piece of shit.

Please see another lawyer. I don't know if perhaps your previous one was confused, or didn't understand your instructions, but they did not give you good advice. Take some control back, Nora. You have done the hardest part which is talking about it to us. But that won't help you or your children unless you act on it, while you still have the impetus.

Your lawyer isn't your counsellor, she is there to advise on divorcing, I would have thought, so her opinions on his behaviour or whatever are not really relevant nowadays I wouldn't think.

Nora, don't fool yourself that your DC don't know what their father is like. Children always know what's going on and either modify their behaviour to keep the peace or become troubled young adults. I know someone who waited until her DC had grown up and left home before divorcing her ex. When she told her adult child about the divorce he said 'you should have done it 10 years ago, mum'.

Your friends and family will probably surprise you by the amount of emotional support that they offer once you leave this horrible man.

Your first call should be to Women's Aid.

How are things today Nora?
Keep thinking about you.

Don't go back to work if you are not ready!

Listen to all posts here

Have you stopped doing stuff for him?