I just want to moan about selfish DH

[N0RA]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself and want to talk to someone who will understand.

I know DH is completely selfish and our marriage is dead but some things just bring it home.

Last night we were all out playing in a local sports event - me DH and three kids - 12,14 and 16. It's very unusual for him to come out with us, the last time we did this was several years ago.

Unfortunately another person ran into me , knocked me over and I and split my head open. I had to be carried off amid much drama and blood and my kids were really scared.

DH behaved ok at the event, the first aiders told him to take to me to hospital and he agreed to do so. The most important thing in his life is looking good to strangers so he never acts up in front of people.

BTW Home, hospital and sports venue are all about two miles apart ( this is relevant ) .

He fetched the car without complaining ( in front of the staff) and brought it round as I couldn't walk very well and the first aid people put me in it. However as soon as I got in I could tell he was really cross.

He's very passive agressive, he doesn't argue usually, just does things wrong or " forgets " .

He was annoyed and obviously wanted to go home first so I could get my own car and drive myself to the hospital, so he didn't have to come for me later. So he " forgot " and took the route home so I had to "remind " him to go to the hospital, because I wasn't nearly well enough to drive.

Then he got " confused " about how to find the A&E department - it's a small well signposted modern hospital which he's been to dozens of time . So I knew he was really angry.

DH was just going to drop me on my own but 16yo wanted to come with me as all the children were worried. So that was fine.

DH wanted to leave me at the drop off area but 16yo couldnt manage to push me in the A&E wheelchair so he had to push me in ( she didn't realise you have to pull and not push ) .

Then he was annoyed that he had to check me in at the desk because I was too confused and bleeding everywhere from my head. On reflection I realise he could have asked DD to do this, but the receptionist was asking him and not her ( unsurprisingly I guess as she's a teenager and he's a grown man ) . So he gave them my wrong date of birth and address and they couldn't find me on their system.

He does all these things as part of punishing me for inconveniencing him, when in fact all it did was delay him even longer - it took him 10 mins when it could have taken 5. But if you pointed that out to him he would become even more angry.

So as soon as they found my details he left and took the other kids home.

Everything was fine in A&E, I got seen immediately and treated relatively quickly ( given that it wasn't serious ) and sent home about midnight.

However DH was obviously annoyed at having to come and collect us so he had let his phone go flat ( hes obsessed by his phone, he NEVER lets it run out of power) andhe didn't answer the house phone as he was busy ( watching TV).

I knew there was no chance of a taxi for hours at closing time on a Saturday night. We Started to walk home as it's only a couple of miles and I was feeling much less shaky by then and we ( me and DD ) are both pretty fit. But DD was upset so , unknown to me, she texted her younger brother on his mobile to get dad to come for us. So we had only walked about 1/4 mile when he arrived, very cross.

He's very resentful at having been thwarted so I know he will take it out on me and the kids . He will feel that I have backed him into a corner by forcing him to come out late at night to pick us up.

And today he's even more pissed off because I've not to drive for 24 hours and he has to take the kids to their usual activities.

He's especially annoyed it it's the Grand Prix which he always watches.

I'm sitting in bed feeling sorry for myself worrying about how he's going to take it out on me today. My guess is that he'll take the children late to their events ( his usual if he's asked to do anything) and he'll punish me later for sure.

He's pretty shit really isn't he? It looks worse now I've written it all down.

It doesn't actually matter what everyone think about him and whether he comes across as the worlds nicest bloke. You are desperately unhappy and that is all the justification you need to divorce him.

Please see a lawyer and discuss this properly.

Also while you are together with your dh I think many people who see through him will keep their distance. Due to my childhood I havd a strong radar for this kind of shit but I tend to keep things arms length when I spot it because I can't bear to watch. When you split you might find a whole bunch of people who clearly have some inkling even if they don't say so directly. In my view people like your h are dangerous. I don't want to come to their attention if I don't absolutely have to. I'm nice civil but bland and uninteresting. I don't want that kind of bullshit in my life

Barsteward! you deserve better x

What strikes me is the huge amount of time and energy you give in your head to thoughts about your Dh eg watching how he acts up in front of other people, his plans being thrawrtered etc. From an outside perspective if you are unhappy for one or a million reasons, really the details don't really matter. Make plans to leave and live a happy life. It seems his pathetic attempts to look after you after this accident is just another example of treating you badly. Would you want your child to be treated the same???

What an uncaring self righteous pretentious arse of a DH. I would not put up with that OP.
Hope you're ok x

He is a fucking scumbag. Find your strength and leave, please

NORA... Controlling and emotional abuse is now a criminal offence! (this means solicitors are more switched on to it)
You are being GASLIGHTED - you're in the "fog" of emotional abuse created deliberately by your husband, to make you doubt your own experiences and sanity, this creates a situation whereby you are more trapped and dependent on them.
Your husband is, I believe, a classic Personality Disordered abuser.
Please speak to womens aid or a solicitor who have a specialist in domestic abuse (different from violence but absolutely as serious!)
Get help, get out. Live your life - you deserve so much better!

What strikes me is the huge amount of time and energy you give in your head to thoughts about your Dh eg watching how he acts up in front of other people, his plans being thrawrtered etc

That's very interesting and you are right, I do. It's because if we don't keep him happy then everyone has a horrible time. If he's unhappy he will make sure that everyone else is too.

So wherever anything happens I have to always think about him, how it's affecting him, will I need to ask him to do anything or rely on him, how can manage everything so he's not inconvenienced, how can I minimise the risk that he will screw things up etc.

Which is fine normally when I'm well. But last night he HAD TO do kthings for me - the complete opposite of anything normal. I can't remember the last time he had to do something for me - probably when

He reads to be an evil self centered knob. Leave him and dont look back

( Oops sorry posted too soon )
Probably 10 years ago when 2yo had to spend a night in hospital and he has to go instead of me because I was BF younger DC. That's probably the last time I had to ask him to do something for me that was a major inconvenience for him. Of course he sometimes has to pick up milk on his way home for work etc , I don't mean that.

So he's not used to being messed about like this. I try to avoid it because of the repercussions.

Now I've typed that out it sounds bad. Yet again. As soon as I'm vulnerable like this I have to revert to walking on egg shells again. Or just more than usual I guess.

Let me tell you about my Mum’s friend.

I’ll call her Sarah.

They met in their 30’s - part of a social group in the same village with children roughly the same age. I was friends with her DD (brother was a few years younger).

Sarah and her husband (I’ll call him Knob) moved in round the corner. He was away a lot with work.

Sarah was lovely and got quickly swept up into the social circle. They were all very social - lots of dinner parties (this was the height of the 80’s - everyone cooking Robert Carrier food and being excited by making mixers in a soda stream).

Knob obviously got invited but my mum and others didn’t really like him. Nothing they could put their finger on initially. He was well spoken and outwardly charming.

They didn’t say anything to Sarah as they didn’t want to upset her. As the years went on there were occasions where incidents came to light that sounded strange - how he’d left her stranded at an airport and got on a flight without her for example. These were “made” into “funny” dinner stories that highlighted how Sarah was disorganised and incompetent and how “good” he was at putting up with her. Thing was they didn’t ring true. This wasn’t the same Sarah they knew. However Sarah laughed along with these stories and everyone though they’d better keep out of it.

She hadn’t been seen for a few weeks, so my mum and a friend went over to say hello. She was in bed - really very, very poorly. She’d been feeling terrible for months but Knob had told her she was a hypochondriac and to get over it. The day they went over she had been so ill she couldn’t leave the bed and had wet herself. Knob had gone out to play golf for the day and hadn’t so much left her a glass of water.

Friends were appalled and asked why the hell she put up with him. Her response was that everyone loved him - they all did. No one would believe he was a bastard and had been abusing her their entire marriage.

Mum said it was like the emperor’s new clothes finally being revealed. They told her they’d disliked him for years and only put up with him for her sake. She felt awful that she’d unwittingly been part of his charade by making Sarah think they thought he was a good person.

I wish there was a happy ending but there isn’t. I’d like to say with the support of her friends she divorced him and moved on.

She didn’t, because she was very ill indeed and soon diagnosed with terminal cancer. Knob did nothing for her - he just wailed about how hard it was for him. He visited her only a few times when she was moved to a hospice whilst my mum and friends had a visiting rota with the children so she wouldn’t be alone.

At the funeral he played the grieving widower and put on a great act whilst her friends and his children sat in stony silence as he spoke about his wonderful wife and how much he had loved her.

After the funeral no-one wanted anything to do with him. Everyone cut him out of their lives - eventually including his children (one emigrated and the other moved to the other end of the country both going NC) who had equally despised they way he treated their mother for years.

My mum still regrets to this day that she didn’t intervene. That everyone pretended Knob was an ok person. None of this would have changed her getting cancer, but she could have had years without living without that bastard and she might have gone to seek medical treatment sooner had she not been gaslighted by Knob into thinking there was nothing wrong with her. Treatment that might have worked if the cancer had been caught sooner.

I tell this awful experience because you might be very surprised how people genuinely think about your DH. After all you only have his word that people told his ex she was mad to lose him - for all you know they’d opened the gin and thrown a celebratory party.

Secondly you don’t know what’s coming round the corner, so don’t waste your life and emotional reserves on someone so unworthy.

Thirdly your kids are probably more aware of your husbands failings than you realise.

I think the thing he said about friends and his ex wife was a kind of warning - this is what will happen to you if you leave me because this is what I do.

What a sobering story, DarthMaiden.

@PoorYorick

Yes it is .

It’s well over 25 years ago now and I know my mum still thinks about “Sarah” and feels like she let her down and has since always told me to trust my instincts and not ignore something because I’m worried I might be “rude” - it just shows how these abusers suck people into their narrative .

If you are spending 28 hours a day keeping him happy, but you are unhappy the balance is unequal. It would be better if you let him be unhappy and then you can have positive energy to making plans to make yourself happy. You are currently wasting all your energy and time on some one that you cannot fix! Better to fix your own situation...

• I have to always think about him, how it's affecting him, will I need to ask him to do anything or rely on him, how can manage everything so he's not inconvenienced, how can I minimise the risk that he will screw things up etc.

Which is fine normally when I'm well.*

It's. Not. Fine.

Jesus, selfish doesn't even cover this behaviour. Pure abuse.

OP I feel so sad reading all this. It sounds bad what you've written because IT IS bad. And you know that truly deep down otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

I'm sure his shitty shitty behaviour has eroded your self esteem to the point where you doubt yourself, but don't doubt us, please. Leave, if not for yourself then for your poor kids who will be affected by this more than you could imagine. Please don't subject them to this horribleness anymore- you all deserve to be happy.

This really is awful Nora, what a horrible horrible man. You've clearly reached a turning point here though and hopefully you can gather the energy to change this situation and leave him for good. Whilst this isn't going to be easy there are probably some things you can do to switch off to him and gather your strength. Calling him out on stuff probably isn't worth the effort however not needing him is. Enlist the help of your children without telling them what's going on. Raise your expectations of them - they can bring you glasses of water whilst you're in bed, put the washing on etc. How about quietly and deliberately removing him from your life by creating your own little self sufficient family right under his nose?

I’m with @GladysKnight

No, it’s not fine. It’s about as far from fine as you can get.

You think it’s fine because you’ve been conditioned into the normalisation of this way of living.

It’s NOT normal and it’s bloody well NOT fine.

Ps fuck what other people think. Let go of the frustration of how he appears innocent to others. That's not what matters now. All that matters is getting yourselves out of this horrible abusive situation. Document everything and leave immediately.

He is a sociopath

Oh dear. I do feel for you. You just want him to change and for you both to have a wonderful relationship. Sadly I think that in his mind he has already left the relationship. Nobody can tell you what to do. It takes courage to move on so meanwhile take care of you, look after your emotional needs and set boundaries for yourself. Start to value yourself and increase activities without him being involved. Then one day you WILL want the life you deserve and walk out. I know this because I did it. I just walked out one day and never looked back.🌺🥀🌺

Thank you all for sharing your stories and advice.

Darthmaiden - so sorry to hear about your mum and her friend. I can see that your mum has found a way to honour Sarah's memory by teaching you to learn from her life. Very sobering as others have said .

I know many of you have said that if I leave I will be protecting the children, but they will still see him. He will have them alone EOW I guess , at least the younger two. I don't think the 16yo will bother much, unless he starts on the emotional guilt trips. She has her studies and her own social life as you would expect at her age.

So it's not as easy as " leave him because you are modelling a bad relationship to them " and " you will protect them from abuse " .

And when I leave I'm not expecting to meet anyone else TBH. I had my kids relatively late in life and mostly single men dating women in their 50s can have the pick of those who are childless or have grown up kids. So who would want landed with two school aged lads when they have plenty other options. I'm not exactly a catch . Just being realistic. I read the dating threads here and I'm just horrified at what's out there,

I'm very self sufficient as I've had to do everything alone for years and would be happy to be single. I've never had any emotional support from DH really so there's nothing to miss.

I posted here about our marriage( years ago ) and someone ( maybe Offred ) said to me " he doesn't want a loving equal partner, he wants staff at home " . That has stuck with me because it's so right.

It's not going to get any better though love is it.
You might as well be single,at least you would not have to walk on eggshells.
And you won't be alone with three lovely children, it sounds as though you have been doing everything yourself without him anyway.
Take care love