I just want to moan about selfish DH

[N0RA]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself and want to talk to someone who will understand.

I know DH is completely selfish and our marriage is dead but some things just bring it home.

Last night we were all out playing in a local sports event - me DH and three kids - 12,14 and 16. It's very unusual for him to come out with us, the last time we did this was several years ago.

Unfortunately another person ran into me , knocked me over and I and split my head open. I had to be carried off amid much drama and blood and my kids were really scared.

DH behaved ok at the event, the first aiders told him to take to me to hospital and he agreed to do so. The most important thing in his life is looking good to strangers so he never acts up in front of people.

BTW Home, hospital and sports venue are all about two miles apart ( this is relevant ) .

He fetched the car without complaining ( in front of the staff) and brought it round as I couldn't walk very well and the first aid people put me in it. However as soon as I got in I could tell he was really cross.

He's very passive agressive, he doesn't argue usually, just does things wrong or " forgets " .

He was annoyed and obviously wanted to go home first so I could get my own car and drive myself to the hospital, so he didn't have to come for me later. So he " forgot " and took the route home so I had to "remind " him to go to the hospital, because I wasn't nearly well enough to drive.

Then he got " confused " about how to find the A&E department - it's a small well signposted modern hospital which he's been to dozens of time . So I knew he was really angry.

DH was just going to drop me on my own but 16yo wanted to come with me as all the children were worried. So that was fine.

DH wanted to leave me at the drop off area but 16yo couldnt manage to push me in the A&E wheelchair so he had to push me in ( she didn't realise you have to pull and not push ) .

Then he was annoyed that he had to check me in at the desk because I was too confused and bleeding everywhere from my head. On reflection I realise he could have asked DD to do this, but the receptionist was asking him and not her ( unsurprisingly I guess as she's a teenager and he's a grown man ) . So he gave them my wrong date of birth and address and they couldn't find me on their system.

He does all these things as part of punishing me for inconveniencing him, when in fact all it did was delay him even longer - it took him 10 mins when it could have taken 5. But if you pointed that out to him he would become even more angry.

So as soon as they found my details he left and took the other kids home.

Everything was fine in A&E, I got seen immediately and treated relatively quickly ( given that it wasn't serious ) and sent home about midnight.

However DH was obviously annoyed at having to come and collect us so he had let his phone go flat ( hes obsessed by his phone, he NEVER lets it run out of power) andhe didn't answer the house phone as he was busy ( watching TV).

I knew there was no chance of a taxi for hours at closing time on a Saturday night. We Started to walk home as it's only a couple of miles and I was feeling much less shaky by then and we ( me and DD ) are both pretty fit. But DD was upset so , unknown to me, she texted her younger brother on his mobile to get dad to come for us. So we had only walked about 1/4 mile when he arrived, very cross.

He's very resentful at having been thwarted so I know he will take it out on me and the kids . He will feel that I have backed him into a corner by forcing him to come out late at night to pick us up.

And today he's even more pissed off because I've not to drive for 24 hours and he has to take the kids to their usual activities.

He's especially annoyed it it's the Grand Prix which he always watches.

I'm sitting in bed feeling sorry for myself worrying about how he's going to take it out on me today. My guess is that he'll take the children late to their events ( his usual if he's asked to do anything) and he'll punish me later for sure.

He's pretty shit really isn't he? It looks worse now I've written it all down.

Sorry have just read your post you have already asked him to leave and he's refused. He sounds very clever and manipulative, doesn't he, he knows what he's doing, trying to grind you down

Nora - keep a diary of events like this and how it all panned out - just in case at some point you do decide to want to end your marriage due to this abuse.

I hope it's helped getting other views on what is happening and if you are interested in finding out more womensaid is a good start and there's a good book called Why Does He Do That.

Remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. For his point of view, he gave up his whole evening for me, took me and the kids to this event and paid for it , took me to hospital, looked after the younger kids on his own for the whole night and then came out very late to pick us up.

What the hell? In a normal relationship if you said thank you for doing that it would just be a standard thing. Not a special thing. It's called the basics of being nice!!

OP, you need to leave this horrible man. I can guarantee your DC do not see him as father of the year, they'll just be relieved that he was nice for one night. You can do this.

Op - this is so awful but l can understand why you don't leave as I'm in/was in the same situation. My "D" H left me semi conscious with our then barely 9yr old holding my hand whilst he went for a shower.

I never left as l always hoped things would get better but l wasn't happy and hadn't been for year's. He has now left me for a new model and l am divorcing him on unreasonable behaviour.

Please keep a note of things like this as one day you may seperate and you'll be prepared with a whole list of examples of his behaviour.

Why would he want to punish his injured wife? You hardly wanted this to happen. Why is he wanting to punish his children? Why wouldn't he want to take care of his injured wife? Why are you with him?

He was angry because of all the inconvenience . He thought he had agreed to spending a couple of hours at this event near home. And it ended up taking up his whole evening . He knows it's not " my fault" as in I didn't cause the accident - one child was with me when it happened and saw the other person run into me. But it's still a huge hassle for him and it's on a Grand Prix weekend. So he's filled with anger and resentment.

He will feel like a total martyr for having to take one child today. He will tell all the other parents that I'm still in bed / he's letting me have a lie in after a late night. The other mums will be thinking how lovely he is to do this and let me recover from a hangover.

why is is wanting to punish his children ?

Well he thinks of them as my children ( they are all his ) . He knows that if he does things badly ( takes the kids late, doesn't take the stuff they need, give them the money etc ) then they will always want me to take them instead. So he is off the hook and never has to do anything.

And it's never his fault because he's just too busy / disorganised / forgetful. He can't help it .

Lots of people believe this, it took me years to see through him. I believed all his excuses.

Why am I with him ? That's a very good question .

Jesus christ OP, your husband is an anusove arsehole and, potentially, a danger to you. How ill would ypu need to be before he took you to hospital willingly?! If it had just been you and him last night not a chance would he have, ots just the kids being there that meant he had to. You could have had a serious head injury for all he knew!

PP are right, you need to take steps to leave him, but quietly. Don't give him aby reason to suspect this is what you are doing, as I worry how he will react.

It's really difficult op living his fantasy life. Only you [and to a certain extent your dc - though they will see more as they get older] know the truth of what's really happening and that can place you in a weird place.

You begin to doubt yourself - all the time and this is soul destroying. It's a way alcoholics also use to keep reality hidden and to put up a false front to everyone else.

He wants to make you responsible for keeping him happy - but this is also a lie. He is responsible for all his feelings and you're only responsible for yours. When you are ready there are people who will believe you. There are people who will listen to you.

N0RA it sounds horrible written down because it is horrible. He sounds exactly, and I mean exactly like my XP. It's abusive (important to acknowledge) and does grind you down especially when you've had year after year of it.

You and your DC don't deserve this treatment and you don't have to put up with this. You also have more power than you know. I hope this is a turning point for you .

I lived through this as a child/teen and I only realised it wasn't normal until my father-in-law showed me what a normal dad is like. I used to think it was all me, my fault etc, it's how dads are. It will be doing more damage to your children than you think it is. Please start to make a plan for all of you; you do not have to live like this

I lived through this as a child/teen and I only realised it wasn't normal until my father-in-law showed me what a normal dad is like. I used to think it was all me, my fault etc, it's how dads are.

Yes, this. My father was a very abusive man and I grew up thinking it was normal.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

How is your head feeling today? Were you given aftercare instructions from the hospital?

If it has been just him and me then I don't think he would have taken me to A&E, he would have said that he needed to get home for the children or he had to go to work.

But he couldn't do that if from of the kids and the staff at the sports venue.

I have only been to A&E for me once before in my life and I had to go alone because he hadto look after the kids ( it's about 6 years ago so they were small) .

It's a perfectly good reason, I would have been more worried with them there. Even last night it was hard with 16yo because I could tell she was scared and I was trying to be cheerful and normal so as not to scare her. But I couldn't because I was so confused , I couldn't remember my medical history and the nurse got annoyed with me. DD had to tell them I have asthma because she knew it was relevant .

Fuck. I try so hard to protect them.

I do sympathise op. I was married to a similar man. I once had an almost fatal asthma attack and it took him until the last minute (a and e said I was on the cusp of going into a coma) to call me an ambulance. It was only when I had to spend a week in hospital after being pumped full of various meds and he had to do all childcare that he realised he'd done wrong.

Oh and get this - the a and e staff told him off for allowing me to become so unwell before raising the alarm and this was apparently my fault. I was made to feel guilty for this for weeks afterwards.

It took about a year to leave him after this. I left with a bag of clothing and my dc. I knew that being with this toxic being wasn't worth the nice house or the "happy family" status that we apparently wore so well.

Please phone women's aid op. Please leave. You are being abused.

I could cry for you Nora. Please please leave him, you deserve to be with someone who will cherish you.

He's a terrible person who doesn't care about looking after you or his kids. Please get away from him for the sake of your kids if not yourself. Do you have a joint mortgage, do you work? Sorry if I've missed this, I've skim read the thread.

He thinks of them as your children??!!! What planet is this man on? Seriously, you'd be better off/happier on your own, goes without saying!

The most selfish prick I've ever heard of.

OP please stop making excuses for him. Every time someone says something about his behaviour you minimise or try to rationalise his actions. I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a colossal twat.

Who gives a flying fuck if it's Grand Prix weekend? He can watch a re-run later. You were bleeding and needed A&E and your children needed to be reassured you were okay not having to text each other to get their dad to pick you up having left you to walk home at stupid o clock.

Normal partners would be driving straight to A&E not 'getting stressed' and driving home. He is a prize cunt and you know it. You need to LTB and protect your children from thinking this is a normal way to live. What advice would you give your daughter in the same situation?

He is awful. Truly awful. But you know that.

You need to leave. Get your ducks in a row. Do you work? How are your finances? Go too a solicitor and find out where you stand legally.

Your children will know more than you think they do. And please don't even think of protecting their view of him. I would suggest that if you spoke to your eldest and just gave your view of what happened and why - I.e he wasn't confused or stressed - they will start to see him for what he is. And that is not a bad thing to do. They need to know that they can't depend on him. Because they can't. You already know he would take them to activities late.

I'm so touched by all your stories, thank you. I am reading everything, sorry I can't reply to all your good points.

You will like this BTW, DH has just texted me to say " just to let you know I have charged my phone and have it with me " . This is because when I came home last night I had to plug in his phone to change because he had "forgotten".

And of course he's pointing out how great he is for taking LO to activity when it's my job, he's such a hero. And I didnt even thank him.

I have replied " well done DH" .

It reminds me of when the kids were toilet training and would use the loo and we'd all say " well done Jonny, you did a pee on the toilet AND pulled your pants up afterwards . What a clever boy ! "

Christ he's past the point of passive aggressive. Your kids will know more than you think and will probably copy this toxic relationship as adults, please start making arrangements or looking at your options

You both seem concerned about what others think.

Almost as if you both believe that his "pretend show" can overwrite the real facts.

Your kids are not fooled. Bet lots of your friends are not either. I have a friend like this, and when she divorced her DH we were like "hallelujah", both he and,she thought we had always believed the facade he put up. It was clear to me and DH all along he was a wanker.

But seriously OP, you need OUT of this toxic relationship. You owe it to your kids, and yourself!

It's really difficult op living his fantasy life. Only you [and to a certain extent your dc - though they will see more as they get older] know the truth of what's really happening and that can place you in a weird place

You begin to doubt yourself - all the time and this is soul destroying. It's a way alcoholics also use to keep reality hidden and to put up a false front to everyone else

He wants to make you responsible for keeping him happy - but this is also a lie. He is responsible for all his feelings and you're only responsible for yours. When you are ready there are people who will believe you. There are people who will listen to you

This is exactly my life rizlett.

Exactly.

My life does look good from the outside . We have a nice house and good jobs.

I know women on MN ( and on this thread ) leave with their kids and a carrier bag and yet we have money and I work so would not be on the streets. I am ashamed that I am so scared and weak and others are so brave.

You need to get out of there OP. This is not normal, not even for a couple who've drifted apart.

He's an abusive cunt.

It's not easy to leave someone you've been with for a long time, regardless of whether you're financially secure. But you know you'll have to do it one day don't you? So why not rip the plaster off and just do it? Otherwise when you eventually do, you'll look back and think 'wow, I wish I'd done this sooner'.

see a solicitor.

find out your rights.

the rest is up to you.