I just want to moan about selfish DH

[N0RA]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself and want to talk to someone who will understand.

I know DH is completely selfish and our marriage is dead but some things just bring it home.

Last night we were all out playing in a local sports event - me DH and three kids - 12,14 and 16. It's very unusual for him to come out with us, the last time we did this was several years ago.

Unfortunately another person ran into me , knocked me over and I and split my head open. I had to be carried off amid much drama and blood and my kids were really scared.

DH behaved ok at the event, the first aiders told him to take to me to hospital and he agreed to do so. The most important thing in his life is looking good to strangers so he never acts up in front of people.

BTW Home, hospital and sports venue are all about two miles apart ( this is relevant ) .

He fetched the car without complaining ( in front of the staff) and brought it round as I couldn't walk very well and the first aid people put me in it. However as soon as I got in I could tell he was really cross.

He's very passive agressive, he doesn't argue usually, just does things wrong or " forgets " .

He was annoyed and obviously wanted to go home first so I could get my own car and drive myself to the hospital, so he didn't have to come for me later. So he " forgot " and took the route home so I had to "remind " him to go to the hospital, because I wasn't nearly well enough to drive.

Then he got " confused " about how to find the A&E department - it's a small well signposted modern hospital which he's been to dozens of time . So I knew he was really angry.

DH was just going to drop me on my own but 16yo wanted to come with me as all the children were worried. So that was fine.

DH wanted to leave me at the drop off area but 16yo couldnt manage to push me in the A&E wheelchair so he had to push me in ( she didn't realise you have to pull and not push ) .

Then he was annoyed that he had to check me in at the desk because I was too confused and bleeding everywhere from my head. On reflection I realise he could have asked DD to do this, but the receptionist was asking him and not her ( unsurprisingly I guess as she's a teenager and he's a grown man ) . So he gave them my wrong date of birth and address and they couldn't find me on their system.

He does all these things as part of punishing me for inconveniencing him, when in fact all it did was delay him even longer - it took him 10 mins when it could have taken 5. But if you pointed that out to him he would become even more angry.

So as soon as they found my details he left and took the other kids home.

Everything was fine in A&E, I got seen immediately and treated relatively quickly ( given that it wasn't serious ) and sent home about midnight.

However DH was obviously annoyed at having to come and collect us so he had let his phone go flat ( hes obsessed by his phone, he NEVER lets it run out of power) andhe didn't answer the house phone as he was busy ( watching TV).

I knew there was no chance of a taxi for hours at closing time on a Saturday night. We Started to walk home as it's only a couple of miles and I was feeling much less shaky by then and we ( me and DD ) are both pretty fit. But DD was upset so , unknown to me, she texted her younger brother on his mobile to get dad to come for us. So we had only walked about 1/4 mile when he arrived, very cross.

He's very resentful at having been thwarted so I know he will take it out on me and the kids . He will feel that I have backed him into a corner by forcing him to come out late at night to pick us up.

And today he's even more pissed off because I've not to drive for 24 hours and he has to take the kids to their usual activities.

He's especially annoyed it it's the Grand Prix which he always watches.

I'm sitting in bed feeling sorry for myself worrying about how he's going to take it out on me today. My guess is that he'll take the children late to their events ( his usual if he's asked to do anything) and he'll punish me later for sure.

He's pretty shit really isn't he? It looks worse now I've written it all down.

He sounds like "Arsehole of the Year" to me.

I have no further advice that hasn't already been given, but I hope you recover quickly from your injury and are able to finally decide how to move forward.

What a prick. Get out of there. Your children are growing up thinking that this is normal and if they ever find themselves in such a situation, they'll accept it like you are.

What an awful situation.

I’m utterly gobsmacked at the contempt with which he treats you.

You say your kids think he’s a good Dad - well tbh he’s all they’ve known and frankly don’t know any better. Good fathers don’t routinely mess up basic tasks like getting children to an event on time/with the right equipment etc. They certainly don’t let their phone battery die when their wife is in hospital - but then, they wouldn’t need to because they would be there with her!

I suspect your kids however are more switched on than you realise. Your DD phoning her sibling smacks of this tbh. She knew her DF couldn’t be relied upon.

Staying with him is just normalising their expectations of how a father should behave. Even if he was just feckless (as opposed to deliberately passive aggressive and abusive) it’s still not a good role model for your kids to have as an example of acceptable behaviour in a grown adult.

I know you didn’t have a great experience with your last solicitor, but I’d urge you to see someone else. There are some great lawyers out there and I’m sure you will find someone who understands your situation. Keep making appointments until you find that person.

This is no way to live. Papering over the cracks and pretending all is well. It not ok - not at all.

He didn't want to take you to the hospital and he wouldn't come to pick you up. There is no 'different perspective' where that looks good, believe me. That looks like Arsehole from wherever you are standing

Buts that's who he's so clever , don't you see? He DID take me to the hospital as he told the first aiders he would. They even asked him to sign a form - the sports venue is run by the Council and very strict on Health and safety so they had a whole accident report to complete.

And if he had made me drive myself he would say later he thought that's what I wanted . And that I would be less worried if all three kids were safely at home with him and not in A&E with a scary drunk man puking into a bag and shouting and swearing. Which is what I put my DD through because of my selfishness in letting her come with me.

DH does all sorts of nasty things then says later ( In a pathetic voice with a pained and confused expression on his face ) " But I thought that's what you wanted " . He looks like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

And he DID come and collect us. He just forgot to charge his phone and didn't answer the house phone because he was busy . An understandable mistake by a busy stressed dad. He's even so great he hired a movie he wanted to watch and let the kids see it too.

Any other interpretation of events is just in my head. It's plausible deniability again.

Hes very very clever . Someone upthread said he's a head fuck and they are right.

That's why it's to hard to tell people in RL. I'm only brave enough to tell you on MN because I know you will believe me.

He is an abuser. Just your description of how he has to be seen by others vs how he behaves towards the family.

I do think people who are in normal decent relationships struggle to understand the games played and mentality that abusers have. Even my close friends cant believe that my ex still likes to be difficult over 6 years on.

But we believe you on this thread because so many of us have had to deal with this shitty behaviour and have children who have been damaged by it.

So start to plan your new life without him. Please for your sake and your children.

Your family will support you. Don't rely on his as they're his blood , not yours. Don't worry about this for now though.

Move calmly , slowly and find out where you stand legally. Work from there.

Act normally until you know what you can/can't do.

Can you not play him at his own game?

You don't have to stay married to someone You are allowed to fall out of love.

Can you divorce for a simple reason. He is a great guy but you don't love him any more. You have tried but it's just not there any more. It's only fair to set him free.

He may be clever and manipulative but his actions are still abusive and actually quite predictable to anyone who really watches closely. He's not unique. He's textbook, to anyone who can recognise what they are dealing with. It's almost laughable how familiar it is. Having to call your own ambulance when there's no audience. Being treated kindly in front of people and like shit in front of your own children. Your children, NORA, they know what he will and won't do. They predict his actions and try to limit the damage. It's not healthy behaviour. It's what they have learnt from living in your family. The sooner they are out of that environment, the better.

I wish my mother had had mumsnet. My f is like this. It was so confusing growing up. So many justifications and excuses. One day I realised he's a nasty selfish man who likes to look good in front of others and all became clear. I wonder if my mother ever figured it out. It wasn't her, it wasn't us kids, it was him. Makes me sad.
I'm glad you posted op. Open your eyes and if you think having this man jn your children's lives is z good thing. Well my sisters and I are all pretty screwed up because our father was a mean selfish person but we could never say that to anyone. Instead we got fed the line endlessly of how great and amazing he was really.

I think you need to stop thinking of him as clever and start seeing him for the truth.
Why not say "I had to remind to take me to a and e" " i had to remind you how to get there early enough though you've been xyz times before". "For the x amount of years I've now you, you have never let your phone run out of battery unless there's a time you will be required to help me" "the kids notice you get irritated when you should be caring" etc etc

OP he might think it’s plausible but frankly there’s no way in hell my DH would have left me at hospital with a head injury.

I wouldn’t have needed to be worried about “drunks” as he would have been there with me and the kids to take care of me. He obviously wants worried about you and your eldest braving A&E on a Saturday night....

If he’d had to pop back home for some reason he damn well would have his phone on him at all times and fully charged - because he was stressed about me, not in-spite on that.

I know this because I asked DH....he too thinks your DH is an “utter cock”.

He makes you think this is “plausible” but honestly it really isn’t.

If your wife was still at A&E past 11pm you’d be calling and texting to find out what was happening - your phone would be next to and charged. You wouldn’t be waiting until midnight watching tv wondering why they hadn’t contacted you. Again a normal person would have been with you, but even if there was a good reason for him to be at home his excuses still don’t hold any water. They really aren’t plausible in the slightest.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I understand why it's so hard for you. You have to realise though that this marriage is terminal. It is not a case of if it will finally end, but when. The biggest danger is that the longer you leave it the more ground down you will be and there's a very real possibility you will end up just a shell of yourself with not a shred of self-esteem or confidence left. That is a bleak prospect not just for you but for your children as well. For your sake and theirs end it as soon as you possibly can. Don't let the fear of change and the unknown put you off. Anything is better than what you are enduring right now and you will come out the other side. Right now, you are like a passenger on a sinking ship afraid to get in the lifeboat in case it sinks too, even though the ship you are on right now is going down without a doubt.

Stop listening to all the things your husband tells you about how things will go if you divorce. That's classic abuser bullshit designed to undermine and control you. You are his enemy and you cannot trust a word that comes out of his mouth. Get proper legal advice - take time to find a good lawyer either by recommendation from friends and/or speak to a few until you find one that gives you confidence. Speak to women's aid. They will believe you and have bucketloads of experience and knowledge to draw on.

I am listening to all of you. I know this is a turning point, because it's so symbolic of everything.

I know your are all right - I would be kinder to a random stranger than he was to me. And he's always like this, this wasn't a one off in that sense.

Someone asked up thread how DH would be if I had a diagnosis of a serious illness. I have no doubts at all that he would want to leave imediately , but would be torn because how would it look to everyone else. So he would stay and be even more shitty than usual , to make me force him out. Then he'd try and get the house and kids because I would be too ill to care for them and he'd be " worried about my mental health " . Or some other such crap.

I became ill after Dc2 was born ( physical illness, not PND) and he tried to kick me and toddler and newborn out the house. I had to see a lawyer then too.

Fuck. I'd forgotten all that. Sorry if it sounds like I'm drip feeeding. It was 14 years ago and I'd put it out my mind. I'm always disgustingly healthy so don't think about it.

Wow sorry for typos, my phone is being glitchy

Christ sake. Just leave

Get legal advice on divorce.
Don't give too much headspace to persuading others of your perspective of your h. You know what you know. Just distance yourself. You'll find some people know this already and others are so caught in his web it's pointless.

OP, the entire point of being married or having a partner is so that if you split your head open and have to go to fucking A&E, you know they will do it for you and look after everything because they care. (All right, I know some people have disabilities etc but you know what I mean.)

If you can't rely on someone to do this, what is the point of them?

He’s caught you in a web of worrying about what other people think - but you really don’t have to.

As pp’s have said you don’t have to play the game. To divorce you don’t have to prove anything. You don’t want to be with him any more because he’s feckless (the kids know this) and can’t be relied upon. It’s changed how you feel about him - you don’t love him anymore. That’s it. You don’t have to prove he’s an emotionally abusive, uncaring, selfish cock.

What if you had been really badly hurt? He’s already shown how he would behave. Don’t stay and wait for a crisis for him to take advantage of.

It’s not going to get better - the future is just more of the same and worse if you stay.

Actually the pp who said he won't seem half so plausible to others is right.

He's got you understandably caught up in his bullshit, so you think no one else will see through either. These tossers are actually so predictable. There will be a few blinded to his twattery, but I bet loads of people can see it.

Even if they don't, no one else is living your life - it's ok to LTB for whatever reason. You don't need signed statements from 17 family members that he's a twat. If they think he's so fucking wonderful, they can fuck off andmarry him.

I also do like the suggestion of daring to call him on someone his more preposterous shite. 'I though you would want to drive' yeah right dickhead. I has a HEAD INJURY. I could have been asking for ice cream and the moon on a stick, doesn't mean you had to supply it. Fuckwit. Head injury =medical attention. Phone uncharged? Again what a dick. Who even does that.

Just do it loudly and in front of witnesses.

@NORA I have logged on using my PC instead of phone just to send you a message!

I'm glad you are starting to realise you are the frog in a boiling pot and need to take actions

You've forgotten he tried to kick you out when you were ill with a newborn? Oh N0RA, you have had your head royally screwed around by this. I just want to hug you and look after you to show you what care looks like. No-one should be treated like that, but for what is it? 16 years? [shocked]

sorry, emoji fail, but - yeah. shocked

Echo what others have said OP. Please see a lawyer asap, you need one who understands about domestic abuse. I think it's helpful that you keep writing down examples of his behaviour. There's a lot to be said for seeing things clearly when they are down in black and white.

In terms of his plausibility - I would imagine a lot more people have the measure of him than you think. Whatever way he spins it is never ok for your wife with a head injury to drive herself to a & e or make her own way home. It is never ok to not charge your phone or not hear the home phone when your wife is in a & e with a head injury.

It is important to show your children that this isn't a normal relationship and it's not one they should emulate. You don't have to justify why you want a divorce, you don't have to discuss it with him, you know he'll lie and manipulate. You're not happy, it's not a good environment for the children, you want out.

I know it's so easy to say and hard to do but it sounds like you're so close. Good luck OP, hope you get the life you deserve

Good grief. I never say LTB but frankly, please LTB. He's an uncaring, unsafe, angry, pathetic little knobcheese and I bet your kids know it too.

So sorry you're going through this. A similar situation was what finally made me snap with my EXH. I'd been in a car accident and the police officer had told him to take me to hospital. He put on an act in front of them and then snapped at me all the way there and told me that I'd wasted his evening! I made the decision that I was going to have to leave at that point, it took me another 2.5 years though due to the same factors you mention. I would start putting things in place to get away from him, it's not been easy for me but I'm so much happier and so are my daughters. I'm sure your DC will be fine too. You deserve so much better than this!