I just want to moan about selfish DH

[N0RA]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself and want to talk to someone who will understand.

I know DH is completely selfish and our marriage is dead but some things just bring it home.

Last night we were all out playing in a local sports event - me DH and three kids - 12,14 and 16. It's very unusual for him to come out with us, the last time we did this was several years ago.

Unfortunately another person ran into me , knocked me over and I and split my head open. I had to be carried off amid much drama and blood and my kids were really scared.

DH behaved ok at the event, the first aiders told him to take to me to hospital and he agreed to do so. The most important thing in his life is looking good to strangers so he never acts up in front of people.

BTW Home, hospital and sports venue are all about two miles apart ( this is relevant ) .

He fetched the car without complaining ( in front of the staff) and brought it round as I couldn't walk very well and the first aid people put me in it. However as soon as I got in I could tell he was really cross.

He's very passive agressive, he doesn't argue usually, just does things wrong or " forgets " .

He was annoyed and obviously wanted to go home first so I could get my own car and drive myself to the hospital, so he didn't have to come for me later. So he " forgot " and took the route home so I had to "remind " him to go to the hospital, because I wasn't nearly well enough to drive.

Then he got " confused " about how to find the A&E department - it's a small well signposted modern hospital which he's been to dozens of time . So I knew he was really angry.

DH was just going to drop me on my own but 16yo wanted to come with me as all the children were worried. So that was fine.

DH wanted to leave me at the drop off area but 16yo couldnt manage to push me in the A&E wheelchair so he had to push me in ( she didn't realise you have to pull and not push ) .

Then he was annoyed that he had to check me in at the desk because I was too confused and bleeding everywhere from my head. On reflection I realise he could have asked DD to do this, but the receptionist was asking him and not her ( unsurprisingly I guess as she's a teenager and he's a grown man ) . So he gave them my wrong date of birth and address and they couldn't find me on their system.

He does all these things as part of punishing me for inconveniencing him, when in fact all it did was delay him even longer - it took him 10 mins when it could have taken 5. But if you pointed that out to him he would become even more angry.

So as soon as they found my details he left and took the other kids home.

Everything was fine in A&E, I got seen immediately and treated relatively quickly ( given that it wasn't serious ) and sent home about midnight.

However DH was obviously annoyed at having to come and collect us so he had let his phone go flat ( hes obsessed by his phone, he NEVER lets it run out of power) andhe didn't answer the house phone as he was busy ( watching TV).

I knew there was no chance of a taxi for hours at closing time on a Saturday night. We Started to walk home as it's only a couple of miles and I was feeling much less shaky by then and we ( me and DD ) are both pretty fit. But DD was upset so , unknown to me, she texted her younger brother on his mobile to get dad to come for us. So we had only walked about 1/4 mile when he arrived, very cross.

He's very resentful at having been thwarted so I know he will take it out on me and the kids . He will feel that I have backed him into a corner by forcing him to come out late at night to pick us up.

And today he's even more pissed off because I've not to drive for 24 hours and he has to take the kids to their usual activities.

He's especially annoyed it it's the Grand Prix which he always watches.

I'm sitting in bed feeling sorry for myself worrying about how he's going to take it out on me today. My guess is that he'll take the children late to their events ( his usual if he's asked to do anything) and he'll punish me later for sure.

He's pretty shit really isn't he? It looks worse now I've written it all down.

I don't think I'm too concerned about what others think, only the children. I don't think most people care about other people's marriages TBH, anyone who loves me would stick by me I think.

That's not really a factor in why I've not left yet . I've been a single parent before and it doesn't bother me IYSWIM.

I don't think so anyway . It's more what rizlett said about doubting myself. And worrying about the kids of course ( like every mum ).

but he sounds horrible.

your relationship sounds completely over.

its just a form of purgatory living like this.

Please don't be ashamed. He is a headworker. You don't know which way is up. Many strong, intelligent and resourceful women have found themselves stuck in relationships like yours. You have to fight your way out with them telling you every step of the way that you are crazy and wrong and ruining everyone's life. It's a terrible way to live. One of the reasons I left was because I could see how much worse I was getting myself and I realised that I could never be any better whilst living like that.

You sound very sensible @NORA and I understand completely about the doubt.

Thank you kitty. I know you are right, people ( I don't care about, acquaintances etc ) will tell me I'm crazy but I don't give a fuck. Only about the kids.

Everyone thinks DH is great. When his first wife left him, all his friends went round to hers to reason with her. He tells of this proudly. I used to think it showed what a great guy he was but now I know better.

I tend to think that people on this forum are way too quick to say 'ltb' - but for God's sake (actually, for you and your kids' sake) ltb!

He clearly doesn't give a shit about you. Not only is his behaviour towards you abusive, but he's teaching your kids that this is what a normal relationship is like. When I left my abusive partner, a big part of what helped me find the strength was thinking, I have to show my kids that you don't put up with this, because otherwise I'm scared that the same will happen to them.

Good luck and be strong! If you and your kids are strong enough to get you to a&e and back despite your confusion and his actively trying to sabotage your medical care, you are definitely strong enough to leave this awful man xxx

Try woman's aid first.
He probably isn't in as good as a position if you split and knows it that's why he threatens you about the house.
It's difficult to give financial advice without knowing all the ins and outs of your situation.
Have a look over wiki divorce website to see if they can give you any good advice.
I did not like the option of the free half hour solicitor so paid £240 pounds for a first and only visit to see a solicitor.Nothing achieved really but got my mind straight about my options re the house.
But woman's aid is your best bet first.

I understand the doubt too, I was about the same length of relationship too and now, like others have said I only wish I'd left much sooner.

One thing that did spur me on was finally realising just how bad things were and how far from normal and from there I stopped covering up for him, stopped trying to paper over the cracks (with other people) I realised that I was just fine and it really was him and I stopped 'keeping his secrets'
That was a really big thing, you feel a bit ashamed for some reason about how you're being treated, but once I made the shame all his it was so much easier to finally go.

Please speak to Woman's Aid, they can recommend a good solicitor, get you on the freedom programme help you recognise just how abusive and what kind of abuse it is...

Please don't keep your DC in this nasty abusive atmosphere. They want to stay look after you because they know their Dad won't and doesn't give a shit!!!

Remember what your children are witnessing while you protect them.
They learnt last night that a life partner is someone who doesn't know your details and that's ok. That even when you are taken ill they don't have to stay around and care for you. That after being ill and alone you need to find your own way home at night. That forgetting to charge a phone while their partner is in a&e is acceptable and normal behaviour.
Remember that your children are witnessing what they believe is a normal, good, healthy relationship. These are then the relationships your children will settle for.
Please keep yourself safe OP, get some legal advice, and make sure you do not spend the rest of your life being such an inconvenience to someone who is supposed to love care and protect you. You are worth so much more.

Jeez. What an arsehole he is. He thinks he has you trapped.

However from the beautiful sarcasm in your previous post, I think you are actually made of steel and totally have the strength to break out of his web of bullshit. Totally agree with the pp who says he's threatening about the house because he damnwell knows he's fucked if you dump him. Get some legal advice. I very much doubt you will be left homeless. Quite the opposite in fact.

Keep that image in your head...

'You took your phone? Well done darling, did you manage to pull your own pants up too? What a clever boy!'

ROFL

Can you see how he all looks so plausible? If I told anyone else what I've written here, I would look mad and he's look like father of the year, caring for his kids while I'm lying in bed.

I did go a lawyer a few years ago. It was helpful in one respect, because she pointed out all they areas where I was financially at risk. But when I told her stuff like on this thread she said I was " paranoid and indecisive " . Which I am I guess. Well the indecisive bit.

So that's out my off progressing things TBH. Because if my own lawyer thinks that, what will a judge think?

DH doesn't hit me, he rarely even swears at me. He's not much of a drinker . He holds down a very respectable and responsible job.

He will say it's just a different perspective and I blow everything out of proportion .

Events like the last 24 hours show exactly how we see things differently. I am sad and he is angry and resentful . The younger kids are very frightened and tearful because I have a huge bandage on my head and they are " looking after me " aka playing on the PS4.

The head is fine BTW, they couldn't stich it because I've taken the skin off a large area . So instead of a few neat stitches I have a huge compression bandage over my whole head like a hat. Which would be funny if it wasn't a bit sore.

I have a full sheet of instructions from the hospital and I have none of the warming signs and only some of the " things not to worry about " . As you can tel I am not drowsy or difficult to rouse, convulsing or vomiting and I have no bruising round the eyes or bleeding from my nose or ears.

Although I guess I am having " confused or abnormal behaviour " because I'm posting about DH on MN in a way that he will recognise . He knows I MN although I have name changed for this as it's too specific. I have no idea if he stalks me here, if so he must be very bored as I've hardly even posted about him, it's all very mundane.

But I'm guessing he's not on this thread yet as no one has told me how lucky I am to have him .

The kids think he's a good dad. No they don't, they know exactly what he is like and how he treats you. They put up with it because they LOVE YOU.

Sorry put me off progressing things

It doesn't matter what he says or thinks. And what about a judge? There is no jury to decide whether you deserve a divorce - being unhappy is a plenty good enough reason.
You last lawyer wasn't the one for you, there are thousands of other ones.

Once you start to see if doesn't matter one bit how 'plausible' he seems you will start to distance yourself from him. He doesn't get to decide your future my love, you do

I agree your children know full well what he is like and I am sure they have to pussyfoot around him in their own way to keep him sweet. My dc used to get very upset if exh used to take them late to an activity or something as your h does.

Your h is really awful but sadly I am not surprised as if ever I put exh out in any way I would get similar treatment. Although on the surface he would appear helpful, I would never be allowed to forget it and it would be used against me.

Because if my own lawyer thinks that, what will a judge think?

What judge? You don't need to prove anything to anyone. Just divorce him. Don't overthink this. You and the kids will have a better, happier life if you divorce. Where you live and how much maintenance he pays - tackle those issues later.
Tell the children that you are separating from their father because you don't love each other. But you'll both continue to parent them and do your best to minimise disruption. However, there will be changes and sacrifices. You have to do this because you want a happy life. Once the kids know, throw an "I'm getting divorced party!" and invite your girlfriends.
Let your awful husband find out by letter from your solicitor.

He didn't want to take you to the hospital and he wouldn't come to pick you up. There is no 'different perspective' where that looks good, believe me. That looks like Arsehole from wherever you are standing.

And no, as Clutter said, the kids don't think he's a great dad. You said yourself they were worried especially your 16 yo last night. They could see perfectly well he wasn't making sure you were looked after as he should have been. They bear with it because they have no choice but they're not stupid. They will be hugely relieved when they don't have to live with this anymore.

'Paranoid and indecisive '

Not fucking surprised living with a twat like that. It would grind anyone down. You will be constantly second guessing your own decisions.

Find a lawyer with more experience in domestic abuse situations. That one was clearly clueless.

When your H treats you badly but it's done in a PA way it invalidates your emotions and feelings and over a period of time you question if you are right or over sensitive.

This is what stops you knowing you have to leave..especially when there are children.

You have learnt to feel you are not important and your tolerance to neglect becomes higher.

He has neglected you and it really doesn't matter if others validate your opinion, what you need to know is you feel neglected and let down on a regular basis.

What was your h's upbringing like?

My ex was previously married and felt he lost everything so during our divorce he is fighting dirty.I'm still glad I left, so will you. Knowing he will never be kinder towards you and as you age is this a risk worth taking?
I used to feel less supported when stbxh was in my life as people assumed he was caring.
Now I am alone I get much more support and feel less lonely.

If you really want to end it and he won't leave you can divorce him anyway.

@N0RA I absolutely get what you mean! When he left we lived in a small village, everyone that knew us was completely shocked that he had left, because he was 'such a great guy'. Everything was for show!

This is awful.
Please leave him.
Your children will know what he's like.

He is a hideous husband, and a pretty sorry excuse for a human. He doesn't deserve you or your children, what an ungrateful bastard. I would get you and the kids out of there.

I read the whole thing doing this face . You don't need to live like this OP, your kids shouldn't be living like this either. Please please leave him