New guy - am I being paranoid or are these red flags?

[m0use11]

I met a guy online two weeks ago. On our first date we seemed to click and I do really like him. Saw him again during the week and then last weekend we spent the full weekend together. I stayed over twice this week and am seeing him all this of this weekend.

It's moving quicker than previous relationships I've had and I'm feeling a bit rushed. I'm not sure if this is just a sign that there's a real connection or if I should be feeling uncomfortable? There's a couple of things that have made me a tiny bit unsure but I don't know if I'm being sill.

Tonight I'm off out for a few drinks with friends, preplanned. He was really insistent that he took me out and then that I stayed over at his rather than going back to mine later. This is nice but I now feel under a bit of pressure not to stay out late or get too drunk.

He hasn't yet been to my house and doesn't seem keen on staying round. I have a nice flat and a considerate housemate who I'm sure would go out and give us our own space, so this isn't an issue. He seems really keen for us to 'make house' - This is to the extent where he has starting washing my clothes and buying toiletries when I insisted I needed go home.

He says that all his previous exes have cheated on him or hurt him. This I can believe but I do quite often read this can be a red flag?

He was really insistent on talking about our past exes. My last boyfriend hurt me really badly and I don't want to discuss it but he kept pushing and pushing until I got upset. He apologised but I'm embarrassed.

He does seem to be available all the time. This was a bit of a refreshing change from a lot of men who tend to be busy with work, friends etc most of the weekends but he is always free.

I'm sure I'm just being silly but just wanted to get other opinions?

Op there's nothing flattering about having the attention of this kind of person. He doesn't like you - he's ALREADY trying to change you, that's not admiration it's ownership.

Oh my gosh, I know you’re only 23, I’m 25 and if I’d only been given the advice that you’re getting now.

Please stop being naive and thinking you know the world and this guy is wonderful. He’s not. It’s creepy to come and meet you on your night out after only 2 weeks! To buy your toiletries and stuff! Please please please be wise now, go against your heart and leave. Listen to the posters on here! They’re experienced in this. Sounds like much of my life, a 5 year old and miserable down the line, I wish I had the same advice as you!

OP what do you think our motivation is here? We know you think any friend who criticised him is a single bitter jealous hag, do you think the same of us?

Sorry OP, this is not 'nice', it is at best, clingy, and at worst (more likely) manipulative.
He should be happy to be with you AND your friends. Friends who've known you much longer, friends who have your back.
You may be basking in the glow of his undivided attention, but a healthy relationship requires respect and boundaries. I'm not seeing that he is applying either to you.

My other half would never deny me a night out with friends. He would ask me however if I was travelling far to let him know that I got there safely and that I get home safe.

Rest of the night he wouldn't even message, unless it was a "baby I'm going bed but please text when you get in cos I'll check my phone when I wake." Text

He has separated you from your friends- he is isolating you so that they can't point out what a controlling arse he is- and get into your head. Abusers do this. He sees your friends as a threat- one that he wants to seperate you from.

Please sign up to the freedom programme online and do it! I fully believe that all teenager women should be urged to do it- as a prevention.

I'm out too because I know you won't listen and actually I understand that. You are young and have only experienced what you think of as crap relationships before, I really, really get that.

So, along comes Mr attentive who appears to adore you, it is natural you want to enjoy that and believe it.

We all know you though, because we've been you and we can see the warning flags as clear as day because we've know him we've all had a him

I wish you well, I hope it all works out and believe me, I really hope I don't see you here again in months or years to come, trapped, controlled and unhappy.

You have had some great advice from people who have walked in your very uncomfortable shoes, it's up to you what you do with the advice.

After everything we said on here, how did you come to leave your friends for him? What happened?

Is it curiosity getting the better of you?

OP how do you think you/he/your relationship/these red flags are different to the experiences countless posters have described on this thread? How is this not going to end up as an abusive relationship because everyone without exception (Other than you) is certain that it will?

This whole thread scares me. There was me thinking knowledge is power.

How many more red flags do you need? Or are these ones not big enough yet? Once he hits you for the first time will that be a big enough red flag? But by then your self esteem will be so low you'll think you deserved it, you made him hit you because you didn't do what he wanted.

2 women per week. Google it.

Hey guys, OP is not listening to a damn thing anyone has said!!

OP, if you only do one thing, can you please make sure that you have reliable contraception sorted?

And by you, I mean YOU, not him.

If you are not sure which is best for you then you can name change and start a new thread in the General Health section of Mumsnet and loads of people will give advice. Alternatively, your GP surgery can advise.

I'm going back to my one of my thoughts. I'm sure you are now loving the drama. You have had loads of advice about your safety and you may as well have thrown it back at us. You sound almost gleeful that he turned up.

You have told us you are a grown woman of 23 so we have to go with that. Therefore you are not a kid or a teenager whose all star struck. You have made choices. You choice to dump your friends after an hour. I would be very pissed off if I was them tbh. You were advised to see how he would react to you saying no but as I said it comes across that you are proud that he turned up.

If this was In AIBU it would be along the lines of:
OP am I being UR to think .....
Everyone .....'yes you are'
OP. 'NO IM NOT BEING UR'
Everyone 'but you are,otherwise why did you ask us?'
OP 'I'm not UR and everything is good!!'

In all honesty, in this case I hope we are being trolled and that some one isn't going through this and is too blind to see what everyone else can see.

Aww how sweet that he wants to spend so much time with you! Get used to it because soon he’s going to be the only person you’ll see!

And another thing, your best friend was in an abusive relationship. She has first hand knowledge/experience of this miserable situation but instead heeding her advice you accuse her of being jealous?

What the actual fuck! 🤔

Have you told him what she said? I’m pretty sure soon he’ll say she came on to him and you’ll believe him and fall out with her, something along those predictable line 🙄

This is the start of controlling you. You need to work on your self esteem which sounds pretty low. Isolation from friends is something an abuser will orchestrate. Do not lose your friends. They can give you perspective. Stay safe

notacooldad I had the same thought, I hope we're being trolled too. I'd rather be trolled than think someone was making these choices for real in front of my eyes.

I met my ex aged 20 he was EA and I ended pregnant and finding out his past history. I had my doubts at the start but pushed the to the side. I only wished I had listen to them. This is classic text book abusive behaviour

Listen, your friends who you liked 3 seems ago haven't changed! They haven't all turned bad/against you since you met this man, when it all starts going wrong with those around you, remember that HE is the variable! They're not out to get you, they are not invested in you being unhappy.

of COURSE he's going to be lovely. he's going to be lovely while he isolates you from your friends and family, and when you've got no-one but him he'll drop the act and the damage will be done. i guess you want to see that for yourself...

Ok I'm going to take this one step further - especially after "Popchyk"'s post. I rarely post under this name, other than to try to raise awareness. So I'm just going to put it out there, as the OP seems to be going along with anything this guys wants. If he has said he "doesn't do condoms", so unprotected sex has taken place, please take some advice. Feel free to PM me OP - I only want to help x

Abusers don't start out smacking you around, they isolate you and bit by bit bring you down until they abuse you. You are the perfect person for him as you aren't assertive and are so desperate to be loved that you see past what in my opinion is alarming behaviour so early on. This isn't a healthy relationship and what I don't understand is that it's so early you don't see that. Quite frankly the whole thing is unsettling and that includes your inability to acknowledge this is so wrong you should run in the other direction. I hope it works out for you before you loose all your friends, end up pregnant, living far away from your family. Please don't let this happen, take a few days on your own to really think about it. If your friend told us this story what would you say?

Agree with people who said he had no plans to meet friends. He stopped you from having a night out with yours very neatly though, didn't he?

Why couldn't he stay with the group of you, OP? Is he the same age as you? Surely he could have stayed and got to know your friends a bit if you are important to him? Huge red flag right there. And I speak from experience, except I was 18, 19, 20. All the other couples of similar age hung around in groups, nights out etc. ALL THE NORMAL BFs and GFs from home towns were introduced to the college group on visits. All the normal BFs and GFs from college were introduced to the home town group on visits. Everyone went out to bars and clubs and parties together. Except my BF who didn't want to meet any of my friends, get to know them or hang around in a gang. He always wanted to prevent me from being with other people. I moved away for work when I was 20 and the same pattern - I made new friends, I met their BFs and GFs but he would never socialise. It's not normal. He couldn't give a flying fuck about people that were important to me. Not normal. Did he drop any critical comments about any of your friends? Won't be long till he does.

Did you end up staying at his place?

I still say run run run. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. It's just you sound so gentle. I wish to fuck I'd had had Mumsnet when I was 23.

I call bullshit on this thread, it can't be true, she has ignored everyone's advice and comes back with silly updates!!

If this thread is real, I feel sorry for you but your old enough to make your own decisions, this will be a lesson you will need to learn from, I just hope you make it out of the other side :(

This is textbook. I can't bare to read anymore of this thread. Op, please please listen to the gut feeling that led you to post here. You were spot on with the doubts. He saw you coming my love, with all your insecurities. Please take care of yourself and keep your friend close.

He doesn't have any friends to spend the evenings with, instead of you. The only few blokes he deems worthy of his company have better things to do than spend their time with him.