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Original poster

New guy - am I being paranoid or are these red flags?

291 replies

m0use11 · 30/09/2017 19:15

I met a guy online two weeks ago. On our first date we seemed to click and I do really like him. Saw him again during the week and then last weekend we spent the full weekend together. I stayed over twice this week and am seeing him all this of this weekend.

It's moving quicker than previous relationships I've had and I'm feeling a bit rushed. I'm not sure if this is just a sign that there's a real connection or if I should be feeling uncomfortable? There's a couple of things that have made me a tiny bit unsure but I don't know if I'm being sill.

Tonight I'm off out for a few drinks with friends, preplanned. He was really insistent that he took me out and then that I stayed over at his rather than going back to mine later. This is nice but I now feel under a bit of pressure not to stay out late or get too drunk.

He hasn't yet been to my house and doesn't seem keen on staying round. I have a nice flat and a considerate housemate who I'm sure would go out and give us our own space, so this isn't an issue. He seems really keen for us to 'make house' - This is to the extent where he has starting washing my clothes and buying toiletries when I insisted I needed go home.

He says that all his previous exes have cheated on him or hurt him. This I can believe but I do quite often read this can be a red flag?

He was really insistent on talking about our past exes. My last boyfriend hurt me really badly and I don't want to discuss it but he kept pushing and pushing until I got upset. He apologised but I'm embarrassed.

He does seem to be available all the time. This was a bit of a refreshing change from a lot of men who tend to be busy with work, friends etc most of the weekends but he is always free.

I'm sure I'm just being silly but just wanted to get other opinions?

OP posts:
shouldaknownbetter · 01/10/2017 20:06

This kind of thread illustrates to me that abusive relationships don't just happen to women at random. Somewhere along the line, and I'm not saying it's easy, but a choice is made not to set boundaries or say no. Obviously the more the relationship then develops, the harder it becomes, like the tightening of a noose.

OP you have the CHOICE to open your eyes to what is going on and set some boundaries. Don't come back on here in a few months time when you are really in the deep saying that you've no idea how you ended up in an EA relationship!

And if anyone wants to view that as victim blaming, go ahead.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 01/10/2017 20:08

So, you gave in and ditched your friends for him ? He got his way then.
Please be careful if you won't see what we all can.

pestov · 01/10/2017 20:08

I’m sad for you OP.

Popchyk · 01/10/2017 20:09

You don't need any other signs. He's already deliberately separated you from your friends. And that's okay with you.

But this relationship will be a great lesson for you. Best to learn these things young when you don't have any children.

You just have to make sure that you learn from it.

Good luck.

TheLegendOfBeans · 01/10/2017 20:09

Nicely played.
He's turned up, separated you from your mates approx one hour in and is sweetness and light today.

Because he got you right where he wanted. And had no intention whatsoever of letting you fulfill plans with your chums.

Who may be a bit pissed off with you for bailing on them.

THIS IS A METAPHOR FOR THE FUTURE OP FGS. AND ITS HAPPENING A FORTNIGHT IN ARGHHHHHH

Aminuts23 · 01/10/2017 20:12

OP have you checked with your friends that you’ve known much longer, exactly how pissed off they are that you just binned them off? This man has you wrapped around his little finger. He’s imposed himself on your night out, taken you away from your friends. He’s starting the process of isolation already. Where are his friends? His life? How does he have all this free time just for you? I’ll bet you’ve spent the day alone together

Thebluedog · 01/10/2017 20:13

Ditching your mates to be with him all night? That to meis a massive red flag.uf he genuinely liked you he'd want you to go out and have a fab time time your mates. Actually he'd actively encourage you to go out. There's a big difference between asking someone to drop them a quick text to let them know you got home safely, to hijacking your night out.

And about the tickets? Why didn't you just tell him you'd already made plans? Again you've had to change YOUR plans to accommodate him.

Be careful op and listen to other posters. This is how abisive relationships start - listen to people who've been here

QuietNinjaTardis · 01/10/2017 20:15

As someone who had been there and got the tshirt and the bruises with an absuive, controlling guy. Run.
My ex also had a cheating ex girlfriend. I also stayed at his from the get go and didn't get away for 6 months. He's not nice, lovely, kind, romantic or thoughtful. He is trying to reel you in. When you ignore everything we are saying and end up trodden down and quite possibly physically hurt and wondering what the fuck happened. Have your escape plan ready for that day. Please keep it in mind that you may need one and have it, in the back of your head. It won't take long before he shows his true colours.

Lunde · 01/10/2017 20:16

So sad that you are blind to what is going on - he is completely manipulating you.

You planned a night out with other friends and he managed to sabotage it and get you to leave them and see him alone instead - which is what he wanted all along. Soon you will have no friends as they will get fed up with you being flaky and ditching your pre-arranged plans for this guy. But this is what abusers do - isolate you from having time apart with other friends.

Of course he is being lovely today - abusers would never get anyone to go out with them if they were overtly nasty would they? They just manipulate and isolate their victims so they are not allowed to spend time with other people so that the victim becomes more reliant on them. He is being "lovely" today as he is happy that he got his way. But you don't appear to really want to take these red flags on board.

SparklyMagpie · 01/10/2017 20:18

Fucking he, userxxx you tried

OP I can't believe you ditched your friends to go off with this creep!

I'll await your next post in a couple of months time

newjobblewobble · 01/10/2017 20:18

Tell us how it came about that you cut short your night with your friend to spend it with him instead.

SparklyMagpie · 01/10/2017 20:19

*fucking hell

TinselTwins · 01/10/2017 20:19

He has been lovely today because HE GOT HIS WAY - you not going out with your friends
Would he have been so lovely if you'd kept to your plans with your friends?

Original poster
m0use11 · 01/10/2017 20:23

He said that he was going out with friends and that he would meet up with me but then it didn't seem to happen, as in he came out alone and met me. So many men I've met are far too busy with friends and plans to ever spend lots of time together so this is sort of new to me.

OP posts:
CatsOclock · 01/10/2017 20:24

OP, I completely understand that feeling of wanting to be with a new man all the time, but, please, PLEASE, don't lose your friends. You are on a path to isolation if you continue.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 01/10/2017 20:24

Ok, well we'll see you again in a few months when you're terrorised, pregnant and not allowed to go out. Sad

shouldaknownbetter · 01/10/2017 20:24

Does he actually have any friends OP?

If not you might want to wonder why that is?

Happinesssssss · 01/10/2017 20:26

Op is not blind to it because she had pages and pages of posters telling her to not meet him or go back to his last night and she chose to ignore what everyone said. That's her prerogative but I would have thought she would be on high alert.

NarcsBegone · 01/10/2017 20:26

You aren’t taking in the suggestions from people. Everything you are writing is textbook wrong. End it now before it’s too late. You friend is right and is trying to look out for you as are the other posters on here, you asked for advice and you have been given it with a resounding chorus of LTB

Aminuts23 · 01/10/2017 20:27

He had no plans with friends at all. He was pissed off that you were going out without him. It’s all an act OP. It’s perfectly normal and healthy in a relationship to have your own life and friendships. He should be pleased you do. Please please be alarmed. I’m really worried for you.

Happinesssssss · 01/10/2017 20:27

The guy I knew like this that I posted about earlier in the thread had no friends either.

EnidNextDoor · 01/10/2017 20:27

Ok, well we'll see you again in a few months when you're terrorised, pregnant and not allowed to go out.

This is horribly prophetic.

Write this down somewhere and just meditate on it for a while.

SparklyMagpie · 01/10/2017 20:29

Oh how convenient it didnt end up happening with his friends...

I'm really struggling with your updates now, you come onto a forum where everybody tells you the same and your friends tell you the same, you are "taking this onboard" nut you're not

Sorry OP, i'm out

explodingkittens · 01/10/2017 20:29

He didn't have plans with friends, OP.

He is very, very bad news.

newjobblewobble · 01/10/2017 20:29

And how did it come about that you ended up only with him, and not your friend, so early into the evening?