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Original poster

Previous relationships

172 replies

m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 19:14

Does anyone else's DH take it badly that they've had a previous sexual partner before them?

I have been with my DH for six years and we met in Uni. Before I met him, I had a relationship fling with someone, who was my first. Fling is the wrong word but essentially it wasn't a relationship (but I wanted it to be because I had the virginity rose tinted spectacles on). It had ended about four months before I met my DH and there were no lingering feeling it anything like that and I haven't seen him since - although I don't regret it and I'm glad it happened (as it made me realise I could be attractive to some people).

In mine and DHs relationship, there's been a couple of occasions where DH has really lost his mind, heads a shed etc and not spoken to me because he doesn't like the idea of me being with someone else before him.

Bit of background - I was his first.

Although I obviously have never gone out of my way to mention my previous relationship, certain things will trigger him remembering (a film we've watched being one, or meeting up with my friends and him trying to guess who it was - like I would casually arrange a pint with my previous lover Hmm).

I absolutely adore my DH and in the early days, offered him a 'hall pass' to sleep with someone else so we're 'even but he was horrified by the idea and I really don't think it's that he wants to sleep with someone else.

But honestly it's like standing on eggshells sometimes.

OP posts:
MadgeMak · 27/09/2017 19:16

He's being a dick, and it's a bit creepy that he is fixating on wanting to be your first. Like he considers you his property. I bet there are other red flags within this relationship.

sparklymarion · 27/09/2017 19:20

I think this is probably because you were his first... but we're you really a lot of men wouldn't wait till uni.. I am struggling with that a bit

But even so how would he feel is you'd slept with more only sleeping with one other person before you're partner is very rare ...

Don't apologise any more don't let him dwell on it and don't let him control you over this tell him it happened there's nothing you can do and he really needs to get over it your with him now and he should be happy!

Original poster
m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 19:21

I bet there are other red flags within this relationship

There really aren't and I have no other complaints- I don't want this to turn into an abusive partner thread as it really isn't that kind of situation.

I do agree that he wanted to be my first and, although I in no way regret who my first was, it would have been nice if we'd met earlier.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2017 19:24

You might not want him to "be abusive" bit he is

My H has no idea how many previous sexual partners I had and would never think to ask

Your H actually despises women and he despises you I am afraid

Original poster
m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 19:25

but we're you really a lot of men wouldn't wait till uni.. I am struggling with that a bit

I am very confident I was his first.

The last time we had a bit argument about it was about two years ago and I told him very clearly that he had no right to be angry at me and it in no way affects our life together now. But there has been an instance since then when, alhough he didn't tell me he was upset, when I was finally sick of him being quiet, he did admit something had set him off but he was trying to remain quiet and calm about it.

And then tonight, I think I've said something to trigger him off agaain but he's gone to the footy.

OP posts:
Original poster
m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 19:27

My H has no idea how many previous sexual partners I had and would never think to ask.

He never asked - it came up on a drunken night out once.

I respect your opinion but I don't feel despised and do feel loved 99% of the time. It's just this one small thing.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 27/09/2017 19:28

I would imagine he said no to your hall pass idea because he didn't want to lose his stick to beat you with.

I wouldn't tolerate this for another minute. I would tell him that this nonsense needs to stop imnediately and that this topic was no longer up for discussion. And that if he didn't take heed and start showing me some respect rather than torturing me about something perfectly normal that I did before I even knew him, then our marriage would be in serious trouble.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 27/09/2017 19:31

Not on. I've had easily five times as many lovers as my DH. It's come up once in a "what's your number?" Conversation when we were first together. Never since. Frankly it's none of his business and if he ever did want to discuss it I wouldn't accept abuse about it.

My second sexual partner had a MASSIVE thing about being my first and how he wished I had been "untouched" when we met. He was a creepy guy with so many red flags his house was practically covered in bunting- he would also bring it up loudly and often that he was upset I hadn't been a virgin when we first slept together. I left him and you should leave yours too.

stitchglitched · 27/09/2017 19:31

Xpost. Poor love was triggered by you daring to have a life before you met him, but not so triggered that he couldn't flounce off to the footy, leaving you upset and anxious about it all. He sounds like a manipulative, giant manbaby.

NC4now · 27/09/2017 19:33

I'm pretty shocked at the hall pass proposal actually. You were in a relationship at that stage, but said he could cheat to balance out your history?
Seriously. You have had one previous partner. It's none of his business if you've had 50.
He has no right to see his arse over this. What was he waiting for, out of interest? Marriage?

pictish · 27/09/2017 19:33

Your dh is being complete bellend. How dare he think he's entitled to punish you for having an ordinary past before you met him?! Ego the size of a fucking planet!

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/09/2017 19:34

He's being a complete tosser. That is not normal behaviour.

Justdontknow4321 · 27/09/2017 19:36

It defo over the top for him to be off with you about if, actually a bit weird to be honest.

Iv slept with more people then my partner but it never ever comes up at all.. I mean why would it, as it's weird.

Original poster
m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 19:39

I'm pretty shocked at the hall pass proposal actually. You were in a relationship at that stage, but said he could cheat to balance out your history?

Yes, not my finest hour at the time, but I was desperate to resolve it a d when I put myself in his shoes, I think I would feel slightly unreasonably jealous/insecure.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 27/09/2017 19:40

What a prick.
So on more than one occasion he's laid this shit on you?

Mind you, your "hall pass" comment is horrid. I would be far more concerned about a boyfriend who said "yeah go on - fuck someone else" than one who wanted to be my "first".

Tell him to get the fuck over himself, and that if you ever have to put up with him mentioning it or sulking over it again, you'll leave him.

And then, like squeezing a balloon, watch out for how else he decides to treat you shittily, once that avenue is closed off Hmm

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 27/09/2017 19:43

I'm afraid I agree with other posts that your dh is being unreasonable.

Exactly what does he want you to do about it now? It's over and done with and in the past. This is his problem not yours and he needs to deal with it ideally by growing up and getting over it.

Next time he brings it up, I'd tell him it's not your monkey and not engage with his behaviour any further.

beesandknees · 27/09/2017 19:43

My H held the same thing over my head for 10 years.

It was fine for a long time, because it was "just this one thing" and we were really compatible in so many other ways.

But then I started earning more than him and gaining a little more confidence as I hit my 30s, and that was it. Something broke inside him. He got more and more suspicious of me. I realized he'd never really trusted me. It was awful. I left him in the end.

certain things will trigger him remembering (a film we've watched being one, or meeting up with my friends and him trying to guess who it was - like I would casually arrange a pint with my previous lover).

My ex was exactly the same.
Over time, eventually everything triggered him. Everything was eggshells.

OP, I'm really sorry but he doesn't trust you. It's only a matter of time before this implodes. I know you don't see it that way now, but you will eventually. I'd get my ducks lined up. Don't buy property together etc.

Again I know you'll think this is an overreaction but what you're describing is a basic fault in the foundation of the relationship. He resents your sexual history and its resulting in him mistrusting your fidelity. That's huge and it won't go away.

Offred · 27/09/2017 19:44

I know you don't want to hear it but this is absolutely abusive and completely abnormal and definitely not ok....

beesandknees · 27/09/2017 19:45

I tried the hall pass thing eventually as well.

H took it as further "evidence" that I didn't value fidelity and must be a cheat.

Like I say. You can't win here because at the base of it all, he believes you are not a trustworthy person, and even worse than that, that you're somehow less loveable, even an object of rage, because you had sex with someone besides him.

It's actually really brutal when you think about it. Is it OK with you that someone sees you like that?

NC4now · 27/09/2017 19:45

There really is nothing to resolve. It's his issue. It's easy to feel jealous of your partner's ex, but it's not on to take the hump over it.
University is hardly full of virgins, is it?

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 27/09/2017 19:49

My xh was my first, and in the beginning I found the idea that he'd been with someone before me a bit confusing. But that was because I'd grown up in a very conservative household where sex before marriage wasn't really considered to be a thing and where in general people waited to be in long term relationships before sleeping together. I'd also grown up in a different country where these views were widely upheld.

So when I came back to the UK I found the fact that people just slept together because they could somewhat baffling.

However, this certainly wasn't something I ever used to beat him up with, and once our relationship had progressed it wasn't even something which had come up.

I have to say though that he did use the fact that he'd previously had sex as a reason to insist that I should sleep with him sooner than I ended up doing, and that waiting for any time was in fact abnormal.

Henrythehoover · 27/09/2017 19:50

My ex was like this I had one sexual partner before him which was from a long term relationship I had a dd and he used to use it against me. He was a virgin when we got together at 25 (he's a loner) and he couldn't cope with me having a past. I left him this year after 10yrs together and two children and he has shown more and more he wants me to be something I'm not and he doesn't trust me because I had a boyfriend before him.

TheNaze73 · 27/09/2017 19:51

What a fucking idiot. I agree with AF

AnyFucker · 27/09/2017 19:54

This "one small thing" says huge things about this guy

Deep down you think he is not being unreasonable though so not sure what more there is to say

SandyY2K · 27/09/2017 19:55

I had this with my second BF. He used to say he wished I was his first. Meanwhile he'd had loads before me.

I'm glad my first was the one, because he satisfied me way more than him.

I don't see your husband as abusive. He just wishes it was different... but you don't get to go in a time machine.

Your past is just that.