Previous relationships

[m4rdybum]

Does anyone else's DH take it badly that they've had a previous sexual partner before them?

I have been with my DH for six years and we met in Uni. Before I met him, I had a relationship fling with someone, who was my first. Fling is the wrong word but essentially it wasn't a relationship (but I wanted it to be because I had the virginity rose tinted spectacles on). It had ended about four months before I met my DH and there were no lingering feeling it anything like that and I haven't seen him since - although I don't regret it and I'm glad it happened (as it made me realise I could be attractive to some people).

In mine and DHs relationship, there's been a couple of occasions where DH has really lost his mind, heads a shed etc and not spoken to me because he doesn't like the idea of me being with someone else before him.

Bit of background - I was his first.

Although I obviously have never gone out of my way to mention my previous relationship, certain things will trigger him remembering (a film we've watched being one, or meeting up with my friends and him trying to guess who it was - like I would casually arrange a pint with my previous lover ).

I absolutely adore my DH and in the early days, offered him a 'hall pass' to sleep with someone else so we're 'even but he was horrified by the idea and I really don't think it's that he wants to sleep with someone else.

But honestly it's like standing on eggshells sometimes.

It's ironic because if you split how does he reckon he will find and meet another partner who has had fewer sexual partners than him? How many more does he have to have had than a potential partner for it not to be an issue???

Why are you in this stand off? I mean really?

Have confronted him and asked for an apology. He asked what for

Eventually said he was sorry for upsetting me but he clearly doesn't grasp that he's a knob.

Have you told him he is a knob?

and that really is a 'sorry not sorry' non-apology isn't it?!

Jeez he gives me rage...

Have you told him he is a knob?

Not yet. Was knocked back when he asked what for.

Have you considered sitting him down and just saying verbatim what some posters have suggested on this thread?

Something like,

"I will not put up with you punishing me for having a completely normal past. The next time you try it, our marriage is finished."

And then go and get on with your evening.

You engage with his game playing. Nothing will change if you do not confront him properly, using the plentiful examples on your thread to frame it. Why have you not done that ?

Please just talk to him about it openly. The only way a relationship works is if you communicate with each other. Dancing around it for the rest of your lives is not going to work. Ask him if you knows what he did wrong last night and then explain that he NEEDS help as it not normal.

Or just show him this thread!

Well I suppose if you can live with him making you (undeservedly) feel like a slut every so often then I wish you every happiness...

This wrecks my head - no wonder I'm single. You are married to this man but can't have a direct and adult conversation with him. He's abusing you but you're scared to hurt his feelings by telling him he's a prick. He gives you the silent treatment, you give him the silent treatment- nothing gets resolved.

I've confronted him as requested and feel like we've made some prpgress, although there's definitely a way to go.

He opened up to me about it for the first time and the air seems clearer. I have asked if he would talk to someone about it - perhaps a relationship counsellor - but he says he's not just ready yet and I believe him, as this is the first time he's voiced how and why he feels what he feels.

I have made it very clear to him I don't feel guilty or in the wrong for my past and that he is my one and only future. I've also asked him to promise me that if he is ever upset about anything (not just this issue) he needs to tell me and talk about it like adults because I can't help/am most likely oblivious if he just goes brooding again.

It's definitely not a final resolution but I do feel like hopefully it's a step in the right direction.

I'm knackered.

this is the first time he's voiced how and why he feels what he feels

What did he say on this subject?

I used to be a jealous insecure nightmare. Tried to pull that shit with my now DP when we started going out and he very swiftly told me he wouldn't be going out with me if I was going to be jealous and bringing up the past all the time. Turns out you can get over it if you want to. He's making a choice to get all jealous about this and it's a choice that is damaging your relationship and happiness. So he stops it, or you leave.

I've read the whole thread and tbh I'm knackered too OP! I've just ended a relationship because of my bf's jealousy and paranoia. You know what, it ain't my monkeys or circus! Its his shit to sort out not mine.

Just think how nice things would be between you two without this crap? How much closer you'd feel towards each other?....Tell him to get help because quite frankly, you're bored shitless listening to the same old same old. 😕

Not ready to see a relationship counselor? Doesn't want to more like. You are flogging a dead horse here.

There is absolutely no reasonable excuse for punishing you for previous sexual partners.
It’s solely about his ego, his sense of possession and ownership over you and his damaged toxic masculinity.
You say he’s not abusive or controlling in any other sense but he’s stonewalling you and refusing to acknowledge your feelings so I respectfully disagree with you.
Is this how you want your life to be forever? Always being punished for something you can’t change and something you should not have to apologise for? Always dancing around his nasty temper and emotional control?

And then tonight, I think I've said something to trigger him off agaain but he's gone to the footy.

Controlling, abusive personalities always look for a stick to beat you with- this is his.
Even shy/timid men can become abusers.

He's going to use this stick anytime he wants to - see how it's been used against you already?

but he says he's not just ready yet and I believe him

If he had an issue with marrying someone who wasn't a virgin, then the time to sort that out was long before the wedding.

He will string this out for years.

But honestly it's like standing on eggshells sometimes.

In a good relationship, no one should be standing on eggshells ever.

If you value this relationship you'll encourage him to speak to someone about this hang-up of his. There is nothing else you can do. You can't change the past. PP have suggested counselling, which he will go to if he values the relationship. The relationship is unlikely to last unless he resolves this. It is in his head. He has to recognise this and want to address it. Help him do that and take it from there.

He's the one in the wrong, but he's got you reassuring him that he is your one and only future. Basically, his tactic is like an extreme form of "negging": you are trying so hard to prove that he is wrong and actually you are super-faithful now and forever that all your efforts are going into that, and you are not even considering whether tht is what you actually want.

Wow, how have you put up with this for 6 years? And even after 'opening up' it is still all about his feelings with you reassuring, and supporting him. He is not willing ready to confront his issues therefor will keep punishing you and will keep hurting you.