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Original poster

Previous relationships

172 replies

m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 19:14

Does anyone else's DH take it badly that they've had a previous sexual partner before them?

I have been with my DH for six years and we met in Uni. Before I met him, I had a relationship fling with someone, who was my first. Fling is the wrong word but essentially it wasn't a relationship (but I wanted it to be because I had the virginity rose tinted spectacles on). It had ended about four months before I met my DH and there were no lingering feeling it anything like that and I haven't seen him since - although I don't regret it and I'm glad it happened (as it made me realise I could be attractive to some people).

In mine and DHs relationship, there's been a couple of occasions where DH has really lost his mind, heads a shed etc and not spoken to me because he doesn't like the idea of me being with someone else before him.

Bit of background - I was his first.

Although I obviously have never gone out of my way to mention my previous relationship, certain things will trigger him remembering (a film we've watched being one, or meeting up with my friends and him trying to guess who it was - like I would casually arrange a pint with my previous lover Hmm).

I absolutely adore my DH and in the early days, offered him a 'hall pass' to sleep with someone else so we're 'even but he was horrified by the idea and I really don't think it's that he wants to sleep with someone else.

But honestly it's like standing on eggshells sometimes.

OP posts:
beesandknees · 28/09/2017 17:47

he'd have preferred me to have been raped that voluntarily have slept with them

Definitely the case for my ex as well.
We had many conversations where, looking back, he was only satisfied / happy again when I'd convinced him that I'd been raped / was unable to consent (because I was under the legal age of consent) / had been traumatized by the encounter in question.

And then a year later, or a few months, he'd be back on the hobby horse because something will have happened that made him believe actually I had enjoyed the encounter, so I needed to convince him again that I hadn't.

My head was so fucked by the end of it, I've given up even trying to work out whether I was raped by my exes/ people I knew. Now I just relegate everything to "history", and try to concentrate on the person I am today.

I regret everything I did to try to reassure ex. When I was 22 I burned all my letters from my childhood best friend because they talked about getting off with boys and I was afraid he would read them and take them as proof that I was a whore / wasn't raped etc. I'm haunted by that. It was so stupid, but at the time I was just desperate for my ex to see me as a good person.

I also believe that my main subconscious motivator in marrying him was to reassure him that I was a faithful "good girl".

The ideas that some men have about women and their sexual purity are just so incredibly damaging and sick

StormTreader · 28/09/2017 17:47

"What exactly are you expecting me to do about it? I'm not going to apologise for having a relationship with someone before I met you - it wasnt an affair, I was free and single and I dont regret it. Either you need to get over this issue or we may as well split up now because I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with you punishing me for something in my past that YOU would prefer hadnt happened. It did happen, I dont regret it and you need to deal with it and let it go."

NorthandSouth98374 · 28/09/2017 17:52

Tiramisu and it still took a good few years for me to leave him.

OP, I know you said there are no more signs of abuse, but are you absolutely certain? Totally projecting my own situation here, but does he ever criticise your clothes, huff when you go out with friends, drive aggressively, hint he might want to split up to make you nervous?

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 28/09/2017 17:53

NorthandSouth ShockShock I can only say I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

Original poster
m4rdybum · 28/09/2017 18:20

So I've come home to a spotless kitchen (which is usually a tip), so he's obviously had a spurt of guilt and done that for me before he went to work.

I didn't see him this morning (on purpose) as I left for work early.

He's come home early from work and has only said enough for me to know he got an early dart. He's not gone to the gym like he normally does. I'm guessing he's shitting himself feeling shameful and is about to say something but nothing yet so I'm keeping out of his way and making tea.

He can come to me for once.

OP posts:
Original poster
m4rdybum · 28/09/2017 18:24

NorthandSouth Flowers

OP posts:
Looksprettybad · 28/09/2017 18:27

I hope you really tell him his behaviour is unacceptable to you. If he needs help to get over it, that's his responsibilty. How he feels is one thing but using emotionally abusive behaviour needs calling out.

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2017 18:28

Nah I expect he'll be all nice so the OP will just forgive him again until next time and so on and so on.

pictish · 28/09/2017 18:29

"He used to tell me I was causing him depression to think about me having been with men before him, and that he'd have preferred me to have been raped that voluntarily have slept with them."

Oh. My. God. I am so sorry that you endured that!

AnyFucker · 28/09/2017 18:29

And when he "comes to you" will you exptess your gratitude for the sparkling worktops and forget the shit he puts you through for fuck all ? Until the next time

Graphista · 28/09/2017 18:34

Are you also always the first to apologise (does he apologise at all?) or 'make up'?

Original poster
m4rdybum · 28/09/2017 18:34

And when he "comes to you" will you exptess your gratitude for the sparkling worktops and forget the shit he puts you through for fuck all ? Until the next time

I could defend myself here but I know it won't be believed, so I won't bother.

OP posts:
NorthandSouth98374 · 28/09/2017 18:34

Nah I expect he'll be all nice so the OP will just forgive him again until next time and so on and so on.

This. Please be wary. Flowers

AnyFucker · 28/09/2017 18:35

It's not us you have to defend yourself against

PNGirl · 28/09/2017 18:36

Uh, the kitchen isn't something he's "helping" you with. It's half his mess.

He's doing this every time he wants you to stroke his ego and will do it as long as you both live. Seriously. You'll be at his retirement do and he'll bring it up in the taxi home after too much beer.

Original poster
m4rdybum · 28/09/2017 18:37

Are you also always the first to apologise (does he apologise at all?) or 'make up'?

I'm always the first to try to actually make an effort and get us back to everything being okay and talking normal again although I don't apologise, per se.

OP posts:
Graphista · 28/09/2017 18:37

You may also benefit from reading on 'cycle of abuse' abusers can be VERY nice charming helpful - when it suits them

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2017 18:38

It's not about defending yourself to us

It's about defending your right to have had a past

Original poster
m4rdybum · 28/09/2017 18:38

It's not us you have to defend yourself against

You are quite scary though Grin

OP posts:
pictish · 28/09/2017 18:38

Ah the charm offensive. He's not shitting himself whatsoever in my opinion, he thinks you'll be so pickled with gratitude that he's being nice now, you won't dare rock the boat and rightly take him to task for his abysmal behaviour. And I already know he's right about that...you won't. No matter that he's put you through six years of regular crap over nothing he's cleaned the kitchen, so it's all fine.

P.s As an asides, it's his kitchen too and I'm sure he eats whatever comes out of it. It's not cleaning for you - it's just cleaning like an adult should so he'd get no brownie badges from me.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2017 18:45

Cleaning the kitchen and ingratiating himself would have no currency with me

It's his ingrained belief that you are worth less than him that is the problem. No amount of shiny taps and smarmy grins can hide that.

Sillybilly7777 · 28/09/2017 18:50

Unfortunately, when you have limited relationship experience, like you, you can't spot abusive traits as this is.

Original poster
m4rdybum · 28/09/2017 20:17

Still no apology.

He's tried making normal conversation again like last night didn't even happen. Now I look like the petty brooding one because I'm clearly off with him as I'm waiting for him to acknowledge his fuckery. I really don't have to be the one to have to bring it to light again.

OP posts:
Offred · 28/09/2017 20:23

Why are you in this stand off? I mean really?

You don't tell him at the time he's being an outrageous prick and now you are waiting for him to bring it up... why?

He's not going to bring it up is he?

Looksprettybad · 28/09/2017 20:34

He sounds just like my h. He'd have his tantrum, go silent for hours or days, then carry on like it never happened. If i brought it up again he'd say i was trying to cause an argument! Years later, in marraige guidance he days he thought it was just normal marriage stuff as "we always just carried on as normal"!

It's very childish and unattractive. He doesn't have any consequences to his toddler tantrums. I think you should suggest he has councelling if he wants to stay in a relationship with you. You're his emotional punch bag at the moment and resentment will build up.

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