Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Previous relationships

172 replies

m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 19:14

Does anyone else's DH take it badly that they've had a previous sexual partner before them?

I have been with my DH for six years and we met in Uni. Before I met him, I had a relationship fling with someone, who was my first. Fling is the wrong word but essentially it wasn't a relationship (but I wanted it to be because I had the virginity rose tinted spectacles on). It had ended about four months before I met my DH and there were no lingering feeling it anything like that and I haven't seen him since - although I don't regret it and I'm glad it happened (as it made me realise I could be attractive to some people).

In mine and DHs relationship, there's been a couple of occasions where DH has really lost his mind, heads a shed etc and not spoken to me because he doesn't like the idea of me being with someone else before him.

Bit of background - I was his first.

Although I obviously have never gone out of my way to mention my previous relationship, certain things will trigger him remembering (a film we've watched being one, or meeting up with my friends and him trying to guess who it was - like I would casually arrange a pint with my previous lover ).

I absolutely adore my DH and in the early days, offered him a 'hall pass' to sleep with someone else so we're 'even but he was horrified by the idea and I really don't think it's that he wants to sleep with someone else.

But honestly it's like standing on eggshells sometimes.

OP posts:

Offred · 27/09/2017 19:58

Oh god Henry, I read your thread from start to finish the other day but didn't post!

You are so brilliant to be out and away from that massive pile of issues!

Original poster

m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 20:00

He resents your sexual history and its resulting in him mistrusting your fidelity.

He's not actually questioned or accused me of anything, btw. I never said he had.

My DH is very timid and shy and so in way I think it comes from love that he gets chewed up about it although I know you're all go in to say I'm a clueless little lamb.

I just don't want the this to be derailed by people automatically saying he's abusive and a monster when he really isn't like that.

I also don't think leaving him is the answer as it's not something that impacts or relationship all the time. As previously mentioned, he has tried to keep calm about it when he is upset and not mention anything. He only admitted it the last time because I dragged it out of him with a thumbscrew.

OP posts:

Offred · 27/09/2017 20:00

Sandy - op has described walking on eggshells because he is so (irrationally) wound up about this particular issue, how is it not abusive?

IMO when someone is walking on eggshells it is often the most obvious sign of abuse TBH.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2017 20:03

Here comes the back tracking.

Offred · 27/09/2017 20:05

Has he explained why he feels so strongly about it?

beesandknees · 27/09/2017 20:05

He's not actually questioned or accused me of anything, btw. I never said he had.

Ummm....but you said:

meeting up with my friends and him trying to guess who it was - like I would casually arrange a pint with my previous lover hmm).

OP... come now.

Dextersilver · 27/09/2017 20:07

If he brings his it up again, just tell him calmly but sternly "this should not be an issue, I am sorry you feel so hurt by it but it's not my fault I had a life before I ever met you, maybe you need to get some therapy to talk through why it hurts you so much and is such an issue"

beesandknees · 27/09/2017 20:07

So it's ok for him to apparently assume you are meeting up with a man.

As long as he doesn't come out and accuse you?

WhooooAmI24601 · 27/09/2017 20:13

It isn't 'normal' to give that much thought at all to someone's relationship history. I know DH dated before we met, he knows I had relationships, neither of us has ever discussed it in detail because it's not an issue.

You're not his property. Taking someone's virginity isn't an achievement or a way of marking your territory. If it is, that's unhealthy, and you say it bothers him that he wasn't your first. So either his self-esteem is through the floor or he's a bit controlling. And either way he needs to address it rather than leaving you worrying and dragging it out of him.

Original poster

m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 20:18

Ummm....but you said

Sorry, obviously haven't been clear. He was with me when we were out with said friends. He thought one of them was the one I had slept with and we were still pally.

Has he explained why he feels so strongly about it?

No but I'm not sure if I've ever managed to ask, as I try to get him to forget it on the few occasions it's been brought up.

OP posts:

MaisieDotes · 27/09/2017 20:19

DH has really lost his mind, heads a shed etc

What does this mean, he "heads a shed"? Head butts a shed?

AnyFucker · 27/09/2017 20:24

Typically, dickheads say their "head is a shed" when they have lost the plot unreasonably and they don't have the wit to articulate why

Offred · 27/09/2017 20:25

His head is 'a shed' I took it to mean 'his head is really messed up'

pictish · 27/09/2017 20:26

You're a clueless little lamb.

Original poster

m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 20:27

It's a common used saying where I'm from and my words not his, so I must be a dickhead.

OP posts:

pictish · 27/09/2017 20:30

And it doesn't come from 'love' - it comes from a sense of ownership. Jealousy isn't about 'love', it's about control.

No one makes anyone feel like a piece of shit for ordinary occurrences because they love them. They do it because they're a cunt.

Mooncuplanding · 27/09/2017 20:37

How old are you both?

I would bet my house that he is insecure in many more ways than just this. Are you the frog being slowly boiled?

SonicBoomBoom · 27/09/2017 20:42

It's jealousy and insecurity that makes him care about this.

I used to feel insecure about stuff like this, because sex seemed like a really big deal. Now I am an adult, I realise that sex is just something that adults do, and it's no biggie. Doesn't even matter if the sex with previous people was "good" or not, because I would never cheat on my DH with anyone and I'm completely confident in our relationship, myself, and him.

SonicBoomBoom · 27/09/2017 20:44

And when I say I used to, I mean when I was late teens/early twenties and still quite immature.

Jengnr · 27/09/2017 20:44

He is utterly and completely out of order. It's fuck all do with him.

You could have been laid end to end by the whole of the male population of your uni town prior to meeting him and it wouldn't be any of his beeswax. It's really creepy that he's so fixated on it.

And so what if you're friends with someone you've slept with. It's nothing to do with him unless you're still sleeping with him. If you're not he needs to butt out.

He's so out of order with this it's untrue.

Original poster

m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 20:59

How old are you both?

We're 26.

OP posts:

Luxembourgmama · 27/09/2017 21:04

My in hindsight v emotionally abusive ex was the same. It's not acceptable behaviour OP

CatsMother66 · 27/09/2017 21:15

This was my situation!! My husband couldn't accept it and it never went away. In his mind I was trash, sleep with anything and it just got worse as time went on. I had only slept with a boyfriend of two years standing so hardly the trash he thought I was.
If we went out he would accuse me of fancying his friends over him. Once, while in a DIY store a bloke asked me if I knew where they kept something he was looking for. Husband saw this and left the store driving off and leaving me. Numerous similar things he did, but it all came down to his insecurities. Your husband reminds me so much of mine, I could write pages about it all, the walking on egg shells!
It was permanently in his head, could never accept it and over time it got worse. He often said that he "couldn't understand how I could've done it".
Wearing make up, dressing nicely, getting home late from work, men daring to talk to me, etc was all he needed to bring it up.
It is none of his business what has gone before and you need to get that through to him. Please be careful in the future, he obviously has it in his mind all the time and may well think of you as trash! It could get worse.

Cambionome · 27/09/2017 21:25

No. No no no no no.

Do not put up with this twattish behaviour because he won't accept that you had a perfectly normal relationship before you met him. You've said that you are already walking on eggshells - don't wait around for it to get even worse.

stitchglitched · 27/09/2017 21:28

Please tell me he is now your EX husband CatsMother!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread