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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Previous relationships

172 replies

m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 19:14

Does anyone else's DH take it badly that they've had a previous sexual partner before them?

I have been with my DH for six years and we met in Uni. Before I met him, I had a relationship fling with someone, who was my first. Fling is the wrong word but essentially it wasn't a relationship (but I wanted it to be because I had the virginity rose tinted spectacles on). It had ended about four months before I met my DH and there were no lingering feeling it anything like that and I haven't seen him since - although I don't regret it and I'm glad it happened (as it made me realise I could be attractive to some people).

In mine and DHs relationship, there's been a couple of occasions where DH has really lost his mind, heads a shed etc and not spoken to me because he doesn't like the idea of me being with someone else before him.

Bit of background - I was his first.

Although I obviously have never gone out of my way to mention my previous relationship, certain things will trigger him remembering (a film we've watched being one, or meeting up with my friends and him trying to guess who it was - like I would casually arrange a pint with my previous lover Hmm).

I absolutely adore my DH and in the early days, offered him a 'hall pass' to sleep with someone else so we're 'even but he was horrified by the idea and I really don't think it's that he wants to sleep with someone else.

But honestly it's like standing on eggshells sometimes.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2017 06:39

What the fuck are you relegating yourself to the sofa for ?

God, I despair

pictish · 28/09/2017 06:42

"I think you know"

Oh fuck him. I tell you what, he wouldn't carry on like this with me because he wouldn't get the chance to. I'd be going through the wanker like a dose of salts. He does this so he has a stick to beat you with when he feels like pulling rank. It's a torture device. You can give his bullshit creedence and tell yourself it's motivated by love if you like, but personally, I'd be using that stick to poke him out the door with. How many years have you been held to ransom over your ordinary past now? Six?
Yeah...you'll tire of this shit eventually. When you finally realise this is about control and punishment and fuck all to do with love. Nothing will change until you change it by refusing to take another moment of his abuse.
Yes, I said abuse - don't kid yourself it's not.

twattymctwatterson · 28/09/2017 06:47

If he isn't abusive and your relationship is otherwise healthy, then why do you seem to be hesitant to confront him about this behaviour? He's currently withdrawing affection and punishing you for something completely normal that happened before you met. In a normal relationship I'd be telling a partner to get a fucking grip and never behave this way again. Do you think he's justified somehow in feeling this way?

Username324 · 28/09/2017 06:51

Op, this isn’t going to get better unless you tackle his irrational
behaviour head on.
My exh is a PA, it will eat away at your self esteem and mental health over the years unless you put your foot down now - hard.
I tiptoed round ex's sulks and the misery making atmosphere he created haunts me still.
I put up with this torture for over 40 bloody years and his sulks, (oh if only MN had been around then) slamming about and silences weren’t even about my past (you're never going to be able to change your past so your H has the sulky PA option for the rest of your married life.)
I got divorced recently and the relief is immeasurable, OP.
You’re not going to change this man by pussy footing round him, OP, give him the shock of his life by laying down the law about how you demand he treats you in this marriage.

C0untDucku1a · 28/09/2017 07:01

Omg op this is abuse. Regularly Punishing you for having sex before you met him? Silent treatment.

AlternativeTentacle · 28/09/2017 07:02

'i think you know'
'what i know is that you need to get the fuck over it, I am the product of all my experiences and if you don't like it, you know where the door is'.

JellyBean31 · 28/09/2017 07:07

OP please listen to the wise words on this thread.

I'm another who was like you (my sin was having been a barmaid) I attributed all of his behaviour to love and care. I married him & had 2 kids before I finally accepted it wasn't my problem and no matter how much I begged, pleaded and rationalised things I couldn't help him "get over it".

It took me a further 16years to finally find the strength to leave. As other people have said it's all about control & punishment and the goalposts will move constantly. You might deal with this 1small issue but another one will emerge.

Offred · 28/09/2017 07:28

Greentea - if you 'think of sex as very meaningful' to the extent that you are sulking and withholding affection 6 years later about your partner having had 1 previous partner then you don't marry that person do you?

Besides I'd bet my life that they had sex before they were married and that he never mentioned this crap until after he became aware the op had had a previous partner... so it cannot be that important...

I agree it is the stick he has chosen to beat her with.

Username324 · 28/09/2017 07:28

Did the deluded fool think that the universal womanhood was standing cross legged to protect their virginity until he deigned to choose one of them then?

Tell him he either packs it in or you’re leaving him and condemning
him to celibacy for the rest of his life. Because he couldn’t have another partner after you, could he, because that would make him a hypocrite.

pudding21 · 28/09/2017 07:58

Op: how often does he do this? Honestly?
Take it from someone who knows firsthand how insidious abuse can be. It's abusive. He's punishing you. He's making things awkward and uncomfortable for you. You're sleeping on the sofa. Why?? Because you had one sexual encounter six years ago before you met him.
Please lay it on the line today, if he can't get over it..... you have your answer.
Honestly...... do you want to be still having this when you're 50? Because it won't stop.

Is he generally quite moody? About other things? Living with a moody person can be hell. Too me a long time but I lost myself, I became conditioned to behave in a certain way as to not upset the status quo. I did things to please him not myself. My mental health started to suffer. You know it's an issue else you wouldn't have posted. Nearly ecery reply to you has been the same.

Do you have kids?

MumBod · 28/09/2017 07:59

I'm one of those people who can't have casual sex.

I've had two partners in my 25 sexually active years, and they've both been LTRs.

However, I'm aware that that's my thing. I wouldn't be a dick to DP because he never had the same feelings as me.

Because I'm not a massive twat.

Joysmum · 28/09/2017 08:25

If someone has issues, and to be clear this is HIS issue, they need to think about why and confront it to change it. It is not healthy to try to avoid it as nothing every changes except for it to fester and get worse.

He needs to know that his attitude and behaviour is abnormal and unacceptable.

You need to know that yours is also wrong. You should not be allow him to manipulate you into being relegated to the sofa, or denying your past.

I'm sorry, but I agree with all the others, I think his behaviour has all the hallmarks of being abusive. Those who end up in abusive relationships ALWAYS justify and minimise their partner's behaviour, you're following the pattern. Abusers aren't always abusive just as yours isn't.

MysteryJellyfish · 28/09/2017 08:33

Yeah that’s a really good point. We seem to have the idea that if someone’s abusive they’re at it 24/7. But that’s exceedingly rare/impossible.

He’s doing something abusive to you, and that’s what makes this abuse and an abusives relationship. Him being nice all the other times doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t abusive. Him behaving exactly the way he is now and you’ve described before is exactly what makes this an abusive relationship.

And you’re a nice person, so you want to see the best in him and try to figure a way to get through this/work it out. If he was doing that, it would not be abusive.

MysteryJellyfish · 28/09/2017 08:34
  • and not just lip service, but ACTIVELY trying to work through it and get help.
scottishdiem · 28/09/2017 08:39

He actually needs to fuck the fuck off about this.

Or at least get some counselling. Did you tell him at the time he was your first as well. Does he have some old hangup from a religious upbringing?

But silent treatment will just be the first step. Its a punishment that you have no way of addressing so you cant appease him in any way. He has all the power in this point to make you feel bad. He needs help.

FledglingFTB · 28/09/2017 09:00

This is thread excruciating to read. He has NO RIGHT to punish you like he is, because you've done nothing wrong.

FledglingFTB · 28/09/2017 09:11

And shut up greentea! Having multiple partners does not make sex any less meaningful. Of course he's allowed his insecurities and sadness, most people share these feelings.l for various reasons in a relationship. However, it doesn't justify his actions, his behaviour is appalling.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 28/09/2017 09:13

This is absolutely 0% your problem and 100% his problem. What do you do to fix it/help him get over it? Not a fucking thing. The only thing you do is lay down the boundary: you have had your last ever conversation about this topic, you do not ever want to hear about it again in any form, including indirectly, PA behaviour or sulking; and if he brings it up, or sulks about it, ever again then the two of you have a big fucking marriage-threatening problem. If he doesn't think he can do that, he gets himself into therapy, now, today.

It is beyond unacceptable that he is using sex you had every right to have the better part of a decade ago to bully and punish you. It is a big problem, and if he doesn't knock it on the head sharpish, it will get bigger. "Shy" men can be abusive bullies too.

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2017 09:15

You cannot accept this behaviour. You are accepting it by your actions. If you didn't wake him up, say 'I was not your property before we met, I was and am my own person. If you can't rationally and emotionally accept this, you could leave. You cannot punish me for your issues.for tonight, if I'm damaged goods then you definitely don't want to sleep beside me so go find the sofa. It's where it always is.'
At the moment you are walking around these grumps instead of telling him there is no universe they are acceptable in. It may be only this one thing in your relationship ( hard to believe , it's such an I am the only person whose opinion matters in this relationship approach) but it is not a small thing. You're 26, if be thinking very hard about it all.

sirbedevere · 28/09/2017 09:49

Don't be a mug! Yy to the face ha sees you as property and not a person with your own past and feelings. Make him the second person you slept with, and find a third who couldn't give two shiny shits if you'd slept with the king of spain even.

Can you see that he's punishing you for something that a) is fuck all to do with him, and b) that you literally cannot to a single thing to change (not that you should want to even!). He's picked this issue as the stick to beat you with precisely because of point b. He in some twisted way wants that control over you. I'd walk, but if you insist on giving him a chance, march right in that room, tell him you are not ashamed of your past, that he is being utterly utterly batshit and that you never ever want to hear him snivel and whine or moan or sulk about the issue again or he can get to fuck - and mean it. You are a person, not a possession.

pictish · 28/09/2017 09:53

The fact that he is 'shy and timid' just makes more convinced that he's a fucker. He's got no sway or power in the outside world so he sates himself by bullying you at home where he thinks he'll get away with it. And he's right- you're on the sofa being punished for nothing. What an inadequate man.

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2017 09:55

It may help him and you to read this
captainawkward.com/2017/09/27/1026-obsessed-with-my-girlfriends-sexual-past/

I don't think his behaviour is excusable but if there's any tiny part of him that wants to change then this will help. If not then consider whether this is really what you want.

ShiveryTimbers · 28/09/2017 10:05

My ex was like this -- we were together from my late teens to early twenties and he was a few years older. He was lovely in so many ways, but in retrospect I can see that he was emotionally abusive and this should have been a red flag.

Worriedrose · 28/09/2017 10:09

I think you know
What an utter utter cunt
Jesus

Original poster
m4rdybum · 28/09/2017 10:16

If that's where he is coming from he probably views sex as very special and sad it wasn't an experience shared for the first time together, as well as feeling insecure in case you are comparing him unfavourably to your previous partner.

Does this viewpoint not make out that my previous sexual encounter was not special or meaningful to me? It wasn't a drunken one night stand. I don't regret it and I'm glad it happened - if it hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten with my DH because I was so shy and unaware I could be attractive to other people.

I have never compared him to my previous partner, in my mind or verbally. I have never brought it up (apart from that one drunken night).

OP posts:
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