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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Previous relationships

172 replies

m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 19:14

Does anyone else's DH take it badly that they've had a previous sexual partner before them?

I have been with my DH for six years and we met in Uni. Before I met him, I had a relationship fling with someone, who was my first. Fling is the wrong word but essentially it wasn't a relationship (but I wanted it to be because I had the virginity rose tinted spectacles on). It had ended about four months before I met my DH and there were no lingering feeling it anything like that and I haven't seen him since - although I don't regret it and I'm glad it happened (as it made me realise I could be attractive to some people).

In mine and DHs relationship, there's been a couple of occasions where DH has really lost his mind, heads a shed etc and not spoken to me because he doesn't like the idea of me being with someone else before him.

Bit of background - I was his first.

Although I obviously have never gone out of my way to mention my previous relationship, certain things will trigger him remembering (a film we've watched being one, or meeting up with my friends and him trying to guess who it was - like I would casually arrange a pint with my previous lover Hmm).

I absolutely adore my DH and in the early days, offered him a 'hall pass' to sleep with someone else so we're 'even but he was horrified by the idea and I really don't think it's that he wants to sleep with someone else.

But honestly it's like standing on eggshells sometimes.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 27/09/2017 21:33

I don't think you want to hear it but listen to what every poster is rePlying to you. My ex was very similar although he was older than me and had more partners. He used to make shitty comments about my previous two partners before him all the time. We stayed together for 21 years. I wished in some ways mumsnet was around then and I picked up on things like this rather than ignored them.
You're past has nothing to do with him and to be bringing it up six years later shows it really bothers him.
Give an ultimatum if he ever brings it up again, that's it. Draw your lines.

CatsMother66 · 27/09/2017 21:41

OMG yes Stitch! 30years ago! Learnt so much from it! Wish MN had been around then. Never told anyone what was going on. Luckily I had accommodation with work and could move there to escape! Not sure what I would've done without that! Single for a long time after that.
Dh2 couldn't be more different, so easy going.
Taught me a lot though and I will never put up with, or allow any nonsense in my life now.

beesandknees · 27/09/2017 21:49

OP when I was 26, I was also married to my H, and I also thought things like "he's a quiet soul, this is torturing him", etc. etc.

My father didn't notice me much growing up. My H's jealousy felt intense, passionate and as if he really cared about me.

By the time I was 30 it was completely out of control. You do need to understand, men don't think this way or feel this way about women unless they feel they own the woman.

Like. You literally cannot get upset with someone for having had sex with another person, before you even met them, unless you believe in some way that they are "goods" that are now "damaged".

Jealousy isn't a sign of deep love. It's a sign of a basic misunderstanding of your personhood and agency. It's a sign that he sees you as a "thing to have", not a "person to love".

You will come to see the truth in time. Please take care of yourself and do not change yourself or your behavior to pander to his perception of you x don't be me, don't throw yourself away in an effort to prove that you are worthy of respect, trust and love

pictish · 27/09/2017 21:53

"He is utterly and completely out of order. It's fuck all do with him."

Absolutely. It's none of his fucking business. Who does he think he is?!

RandomMess · 27/09/2017 21:59

As you don't want to LTB why don't you tell him to go to therapy to deal with it?

He could be incredibly insecure perhaps but he needs to deal with it!

Offred · 27/09/2017 21:59

Ok, so he hasn't explained why he feels so strongly about it. Why do you think he feels so strongly about it?

Original poster
m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 22:54

So, he's back from the football and hasn't spoken to me since he got in (barely anyway, only small talk). We get into bed and I ask him what's upset him and he just says "I think you know."

Have now relegated myself to the sofa as I can't stand trying to sleep next to him with the heaviness of the silence.

Why do you think he feels so strongly about it?

I actually don't know. Perhaps insecurity, as he was very inexperienced when we firztgor together.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/09/2017 23:01

Will you then at least entertain the possibility it is because he is thinking of you in terms of being 'his' and having been 'tainted' by having had a prior relationship with someone else?

I think it's clear that many of us suspect that is what it is and that you don't think it is that, but it's a possibility isn't it?

Are there any other signs of abuse besides the irrational obsession, the anger, the paranoia and the withholding of affection?

Offred · 27/09/2017 23:03

Does he have negative feelings/things to say about you seeing/having family/friends on your own?

About you having hobbies/interests?

Does he sulk?

Etc

HeddaGarbled · 27/09/2017 23:08

He's a bully. It's covert and subtle and occasional but it's still bullying. This will happen at intervals for the rest of your life.

He needs counselling and if he won't agree that he's got a problem that he needs to sort out, then he needs dumping.

Annelind · 27/09/2017 23:10

Clearly he sulks, Offred!

Offred · 27/09/2017 23:14

I mean about other things, sorry should have been more specific.

Original poster
m4rdybum · 27/09/2017 23:19

Hand on heart this is the one thing he irrational about - which isn't to say it isn't a problem.

I'm upset now because I came into the living room and he came in about 10 mins later so I thought he might be coming to tall about it. Nope - didn't say a word, just got his phone for his alarm.

OP posts:
pog100 · 27/09/2017 23:34

You need to tackle this head on, you really do. Resolve it once and for all or split. You are so young, splitting is the answer, don't blight your life.

OutToGetYou · 27/09/2017 23:55

So, he's sulking right now about something that is nothing to do with him and happened years ago?
Manipulative git.
I wonder what he wants you to do about it?
I mean, not that it matters what he wants you to do, you're not going to do it, you're going to tell him to get the fuck over himself or fuck the fuck off, but just for academic interest I wonder what he thinks he could possibly achieve!

RamblinRosie · 28/09/2017 01:08

Oh dear, this is not good.

You met at 20, you're married, so presumably he thinks you're "the one", what if you'd met at 30? Would he have expected you to have waited for him? Would he have waited for you?

He's punished you for 6 years, for something that was not a crime, and he'll keep on punishing you for the rest of your marriage...

He's passive aggressive and he's been bullying you for years, do you want this for the rest of your life? You deserve better.

CluelessMummy · 28/09/2017 02:16

OP please make a stand.

He is still brooding over something that happened before you even met - something there is nothing wrong with - and I believe you said you've been together for six years? And now he's punishing you for it too with the silent treatment?

You need to find time tomorrow to tell him that this stops now.

Either he accepts it (and he bloody well should!) or doesn't - and you will have to part ways. Don't be afraid to give him this ultimatum. If he'd rather lose you than let this lie then you've saved yourself years of misery. You are only 26 and have your whole life ahead of you.

MumBod · 28/09/2017 02:58

This is enraging me.

My wanker of an XH was like this - and he was my first Confused

When we first met he got into a jealous rage because he knew and disliked my previous boyfriend. He interrogated me about 'how far' I'd gone with him and I lied. To this day he thinks his was the first willy I ever saw Grin

I was 17 and too young and naive to see what I was getting into. I had to put up with his jealousy and sulks for another 20 years before I got rid.

OP - get up those stairs, put the bedroom light on and give him hell - who the fuck does he think he is?

If he wants to sulk, let him do it on the couch. Wanker.

AdamBurns1 · 28/09/2017 03:03

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greentea4me · 28/09/2017 03:13

Sorry but I don't agree that he is abusive. Lots of people do think of sex as very meaningful, though it's not a common attitude these days. If that's where he is coming from he probably views sex as very special and sad it wasn't an experience shared for the first time together, as well as feeling insecure in case you are comparing him unfavourably to your previous partner. For someone who is married to their first, those feelings are completely normal. Unfortunately he just needs to get over it!

lazydog · 28/09/2017 04:21

green - as someone married to her first (I wasn't his) I strongly disagree that those feelings are completely normal, but totally agree with you that he needs to get over it. A previous poster summed it up perfectly with: men don't think this way or feel this way about women unless they feel they own the woman. He is being emotionally abusive and needs therapy to have any hope of resolving his weird insecurities, but I don't believe he'll ever see that as necessary... Sad

donajimena · 28/09/2017 05:06

Please don't have children with this man. He is awful. You are 'only' 26. He'll get worse. Six fucking years you have put up with this. Maybe by Saturday he'll be all happy again and you can put 'this one little thing' on the backburner. Until the next time. Repeat ad finitum.

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2017 05:22

He's being ridiculous

I know you think it's just one small thing but it's symptomatic of a jealous angry person. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with this issue constantly coming up? Never knowing what small comment of yours will trigger this nonsense? Such a waste of your life.

rizlett · 28/09/2017 05:49

He might have an issue with this because of a 'core belief' he has - that's not to say he is justified in thinking like he does about it but the fact that he has feelings attached that he [and you] are finding difficult means something needs to change.

Maybe consider explaining to him that you will give him one last chance to talk it through completely so he can work out why his feelings are over the top. [90% of feelings are related to something that happened in the past.] This is not anything to do with you and your previous relationship but all to do with him and his insecurity. He probably knows he's being a twat and adding on shame to pile of emotions.

I think when he came to get the phone charger he did want to talk and resolve it but is too afraid. Nearly all negative emotions are fear based but usually covered up by anger.

Once you've had this discussion then he must stop mentioning it at all. It's done and over with and you need to forever stick to this even if he tried to mention it again. [or you could say that if he does want to discuss it further it has to be with a counsellor - he's unlikely to agree to that.]

MysteryJellyfish · 28/09/2017 06:06

But he’s not mentioning it. He’s passive aggressive!

You need to have a frank discussion about it. If he can’t (and I’m betting he can’t) then he needs to look at what would make him able to. Probably therapy. But this isn’t for you to solve. It’s his problem and he needs to find a way to get over it.

And you know he loves you so much that he’s do anything to make you happy, right? So why wouldn’t he want to sort this out?

If he doesn’t want to sort this out then you have a decision to make: live the rest of your life like this or don’t. You have control here, but it’s not in rewriting your past or fixing him. Your responsibility is over what you accept.

One thing is certain though, if he doesn’t want to figure out how to get over this and then go ahead and do it, it will never, ever stop.