DP has accused me of cheating on him

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

On phone and crying snotty mess so apologies for errors.

DP and I due to get married in 4 weeks. He's been withdrawn and cold to me for a few weeks, since returning from working away over the summer. I thought he was getting depressed, and yesterday asked him if he'd consider going to a GP about it. I'd also noticed that whenever any wedding stuff came up he sort of closed down, so I asked him if everything was okay with us (he was excited and involved in wedding planning before.)

His response was to say he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal.

I have not ever cheated on him. I feel completely bewildered and hurt.

When I sat with my mouth hanging open and asked what the fuck he meant, he launched into a long convoluted list of "evidence". I was crying and in shock so I am not sure I have this all right but this is the gist...

1. I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

1. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

1. I have a gmail email, and unbeknownst to me (or him) a full stop in your gmail address doesn't matter so you can send with or without. Once I sent him an email without the full stop in...so he thinks I have a "secret second account" for, I don't know, organising secret shagathons.

The gmail thing is batshit and easily explained so he gets that. The chlamydia thing I cannot explain. I KNOW I have been faithful. I can only think mine was a false positive? Or his a false negative?

This is completely and utterly out of character. I thought we were in love and happy, bar the last few weeks of coldness from him. I am on a train to my sister, devastated and confused.

What is clear turnip?

OP asked for practical help and I while I can't give it I thought I did the next best thing by pointing her to an immediately available trustworthy source.

No one can give direct help on mumsnet, not even the top consultants in Genitourinary medicine. No one is licensed to provide medical assistance on mumsnet,

Nice is one of the organisations that support health professionals in the UK including those in sexual health make differential diagnoses. And no one needs to take my word for it they can check themselves.

You're forgetting that there is more at stake than proving men are shit. There is a poor distraught woman here trying to save not only her marriage but herself from public humiliation.

So please elaborate... What exactly is clear turnip?

Willow2017

this is bang on what I think....

he has infected you.. hence not being open with his results..

He's is being UNFAITHFUL ... and deflecting...

CREEP

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I'm also really pleased you are with supportive family.
Yes it's projection, yes it's gaslighting, yes it's re-writing history and yes he's cheated on you - more than once!
But you know now and you can now come out the other side.
It will take time though.
Be patient with yourself.
You'll be all over the place for ages yet.
Well done on posting and finding out what a deceitful cunt he is before the wedding.
Now go and get cuddles and tea and sympathy.

Glad you are nearly there op.
Let your family take care of you good meal and plenty wine and lots of baby cuddles.

Sorry this has happened whatever it is but you deserve to know now not later.

He deserves nothing but contempt.

I was a staff nurse and worked in sexual health. False positives (depending on the type of test used for chlamydia) occur at around 10%. So in every 100 positive tests up to 10 may actually be negative.
False negatives are far less likely (again depending on the test) and occur at around 1%. So in every 100 negative tests around 1 will actually be positive.
Some Drs point out that if the guy has just peed immediately before the test they may have washed away the evidence of Chlamydia infection. Given how rare a false negative is though, it is more likely that you had a false positive.
However, his behaviour doesn't sound as if it really is to do with events from 4 years ago.

Those figures by the way are referred to in the following (very comprehensive and technical) paper: www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/rr6302a1.htm

How devastating for you. I agree with other posters, he's cheated.

He does not want to get married - may have cheated, may have just changed his mind. He can't say it because he feels he will be criticised. He has spent weeks distancing himself in the hope you would call it off and now he has to find an excuse. He does not think you have cheated, he is creating a reason that sounds plausible (to him) for postponing the wedding. He thinks he would then, if his plan worked, go to counselling and then say it wasn't going to work out etc and call it off at a point where there would be less fuss. It is all about him not wanting to get married and not wanting to be honest and accept responsibility for the upset it will cause. You deserve better, much better.

Whatever happened in the summer, the historic chlamydia case seems to be his preferred get-out clause. It is not very dignified of him.

It's a crappy way to get out of marrying you, for whatever reason he's doing it. It must be a terrible shock but he's not the person you thought he was.

Are you sure his test was negative did you see the results?
In my opinion and experience cheaters accuse the innocent

He's a massive dick.

His 'evidence' is pathetic.

He s been at forbidden fruit.

He's projecting.

If you marry this man your life will be shit, you will be back on here in denial with kids in tow saying....'he spies on me with a camera, but otherwise he's lovely'.

Marriage is hard even when you have a great partner.

Dump this man child and get your life back. X

Please don't marry this man OP.
Maybe he's a liar and a cheater and is trying to deflect the blame.

Or maybe he has Delusional Disorder - the jealous type. My ex has this. The sufferers believe their SO is cheating on them based on very thin evidence. Like the gmail thing. But he has other "evidence" too, right?
Here's some people talking about what living with someone who has it is like: www.psychforums.com/delusional-disorder/topic69682.html

If you read that and think it doesn't apply, what are you left with? He's accusing you because he wants to hurt you?
Whichever it is, marrying him will set you up for a life of pain.

OP I'm so sorry about what you're going through.

My ex did similar to me. Believed I cheated on him early in relationship, I did go on to marry him, possibly in part because I desperately wanted to reassure him that I really, really was committed to him and loved him (I had never cheated).

He also had a weird list of "reasons" it was "obvious" I was a serial cheat.

In the end it took me over 10 years to get shut of him. I made him miserable, because he just could not find it in himself to trust me, but he almost liked it that way as it gave him tremendous power over me. I was constantly on the back foot, trying to prove to him that I was a decent person. While we had many good times, in the end, I can only look back with bitterness for all the time I wasted.

Don't be like me, move on, let the pain happen, find someone with whom you have a clean slate and mutual trust x

Thank you everyone. I honestly don't know how I would have got through that journey without you all.

I am in London with my fab family. My nephew and I played dinosaurs, my niece offered me her bear. Then when they went to bed my Mum and BIL just listened to me talk and cry for hours. I'm in a weird bubble where I feel quite calm now. Very sad but calm. I'm probably just knackered and the horrible shaky adrenaline will kick in again tomorrow. I'm so glad I'm here though and feeling so glad I have them and my lovely colleagues too who have been amazing arranging cover. My sister will arrive very late tonight and said she'll come and poke her head around the door and if i am up and upset she'll stay up with me.

Thanks again. Never thought I would need this forum tbh but I am bloody glad you're here.

It's sooo good you're with family now. They sound absolutely lovely. This is going to hurt for a while, but I do think you're better off without an emotional leech like him. I'm so sorry, again.

Your family sounds wonderful! You'll get through this.

It's quite hard for men to get chlamydia and it's perfectly possible you had it and didn't infect him. He sounds awful.

Hope you managed some sleep

I hope you slept and are ok. Well as ok as you can be

Hope today seems a little brighter. Are you going to message him? This is such an oddly cruel way to back out of getting married. Has he seemed irrational or jealous in the past?

Hope you slept well OP

Glad you have such amazing family to support you

Keep strong!

Having just read the whole thread, I would first go back and double check the test results you had at your GP.

The possibilities seem to be that

A) you had it all along, but with no symptoms - he MUST have been infected then too, but lied for reasons best known to himself (was cheating then by coincidence & was afraid he had infected you? Lied reflexively?)

B) He was cheating and infected you

C) You never had it at all. Botched test (as per poster above)

However, as a quick Google should tell him that symptoms can be absent for years, your infection can't be taken as proof that you were unfairhful in 2013, and the email thing is just nutty.

He either doesn't trust you, doesn't want to get married or is projecting like crazy.

I'm glad you're with your family & hope that today brings some resolution.

Hope you slept a bit Spanx. Sorry this horrible thing has happened to you.

I listened to the whole audio book of the first Harry Potter book in attempt to stop my mind racing. I think I did sleep a bit, drifted in and out. Downside is I will forever associate Stephen Fry's voice with feeling sick. My sister got into bed with me for a bit and gave me lovely hug.

When I was packing to leave I told him I needed space to think and that I would turn my phone off. But I am still amazed he hasn't messaged me. The "old him" would have. I keep beginning messages to him but I don't know what to say- it's either anger "I can't believe you're doing this/how dare you" or "I love you please believe me/please please don't do this" messages, and neither will do me any good.

The babies are up, I can hear them stomping around and gently arguing about strawberries. I might go and launch into the madness and help my Mum take them to school. They are the best distraction and so funny.