DP has accused me of cheating on him

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

On phone and crying snotty mess so apologies for errors.

DP and I due to get married in 4 weeks. He's been withdrawn and cold to me for a few weeks, since returning from working away over the summer. I thought he was getting depressed, and yesterday asked him if he'd consider going to a GP about it. I'd also noticed that whenever any wedding stuff came up he sort of closed down, so I asked him if everything was okay with us (he was excited and involved in wedding planning before.)

His response was to say he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal.

I have not ever cheated on him. I feel completely bewildered and hurt.

When I sat with my mouth hanging open and asked what the fuck he meant, he launched into a long convoluted list of "evidence". I was crying and in shock so I am not sure I have this all right but this is the gist...

1. I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

1. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

1. I have a gmail email, and unbeknownst to me (or him) a full stop in your gmail address doesn't matter so you can send with or without. Once I sent him an email without the full stop in...so he thinks I have a "secret second account" for, I don't know, organising secret shagathons.

The gmail thing is batshit and easily explained so he gets that. The chlamydia thing I cannot explain. I KNOW I have been faithful. I can only think mine was a false positive? Or his a false negative?

This is completely and utterly out of character. I thought we were in love and happy, bar the last few weeks of coldness from him. I am on a train to my sister, devastated and confused.

you are in a state of shock - it is understandable tears will come.
Once the shock passes there will be other more empowering emotions, like anger.

Yes, he proposed in a really sweet way, hiding the ring in my favourite childhood book. This was last June.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I cannot, just cannot, believe this is happening. I don't even know what "this" is, though I know no explanation will magically make my lovely loving DP come back and replace this changeling in my house.

*1. His result was not negative or he would have shown you it.

1. He gave you it in the first place but made out it was your fault to hide his guilt.
2. He has done it again and is trying to force you to end it to cover his tracks and you get all the blame.*

THIS. A hundred times - THIS

Stop blaming yourself. This all on him.
He is trying to make it all your fault, pass the shame and blame onto you.

Tell him that YOU are calling the wedding off, as a result of HIS cheating.
Tell him that you know EVERYTHING. Repeat. Repeat again.

Then refuse to discuss this any further.
Move out, get yourself another STI check.
Hold your head up high, and stick firmly to your belief.

'Today 14:41 BitOutOfPractice

I'm sorry to say this but I think he is projecting his own feelings and actions onto you.

I think he's been unfaithful and h'es deflecting onto you'

Sorry Op I also agree with this and I also think he gave you the Chlamydia too and lied to cover his back.

Why else would he have waited to have thrown these accusations at you four years later.

I wouldn't go to relate I would leave unless I was very very sure this was some kind of mental health crisis.

It does sound like he is projecting guilt onto you.
I'm glad you have supportive family around you.

Could he have unknowingly had the STI before 2013, but he had to take antibiotics for something else and it cleared up? Hence the negative result when you got your positive?

It sounds like he is trying to twist things and project his guilt onto you,
Maybe he doesn't want to get married and sees this as a way out,,Although its a cruel way to do it,

Op: False positives are a thing, the tests are said to be 90% accurate in terms of positives and can be affected by having taken antibiotics prior to the test or pregnancy. it is also perfectly possible that the swabs were misread, or mixed up.
Here is some info on it: www.vcspathology.org.au/site/VCSPathology/filesystem/documents/What%20is%20Chlamydia.pdf
It might be you never had it in the first place, hence why his was negative. Or like others have said he could have lied his was negative and got treated for it without you knowing so you didn't blame him for cheating.
It seems very strange he is bringing this up now, perhaps his fear of getting married is stirring something up in him and he is looking for ways to back out. Not easy for you.
Good luck,.

How accurate is the test?
Here is the info: No test is 100% accurate. False positives (test is positive when
you don’t have the infection) and false negatives (test is negative
when you do have the infection) occur with all medical tests.
The more common an infection is in a particular group, the more
accurate the test result will be. In people under the age of 30
without symptoms a positive test is truly positive around 80% of
the time; so 1 in 5 positive tests will be falsely positive. However,
a negative test is truly negative more than 99% of the time.

I think no harm in relate to separate in civilised way, make sense of it, he's not sharing is he?
Of course wedding must be cancelled or postponed. Yes both be tested again now. Maybe not cheating but very suspicious.
If he gets over panic, realise this is how he reacts to stress. How will that be if you have a child, are sick, bereaved lose a job etc.

The long and short of it is that he doesn't want to get married.

Sorry you're going through this but I think you know what needs to be done. It won't be easy but this relationship looks likes it's run its course.

At the end of the day. It doesn't matter if he cheated or gave you an STI years ago really.

He is treating you like shit and blaming you for everything going on now

This is no way to start a marriage.

You deserve better.

Lovely woman in the train just brought me some tissues.

Maybe she's a Mumsnetter or I am not crying as silently as I thought

Christ OP this is genuinely horrible! Can't imagine what you are going through after 8 years

IIRC chlamydia is treated by taking a does of anti biotics. I'm no doctor but I'm thinking that if you've got chlamydia and then take anti biotics for some other reason, it treats the chlamydia too?

So maybe he had chlamydia, didn't know, took antibiotics for something else, and it treated it?

Oh gosh, that's so horrible and I really feel for you. He may not have cheated, he may just be feeling jittery about the wedding. Or he may have been tempted to cheat, and then thought through what had happened 4 years ago and is projecting that onto you. Or perhaps he discussed it with someone and they said you must have cheated.

I don't know how you can get through this but it doesn't look good. I think you need to go your separate ways and see how long it takes him to hook up with someone else.

I'm really really sorry.
I know it doesn't seem like it right now but at least this has come out before the wedding.
Although it looks bad he may just be having a freak out, I would try to talk to him again later to see if you get more sense. Does he have a brother or sister that could ring him to try and get some sense out of him?

My mum and I saw a lady crying on a train a few years ago, we gave her some tissues and water and told her to dump the loser

There are always nice people about who will give you hope

Oh OP sending you very unmumsnetty hugs. . You will get through this.
He sounds cruel and unkind - neither good qualities for a husband

Oh, OP. This thread is making me desperately sad. I'm so sorry.

There are lots of possibilities, of which him being unfaithful is definitely one - there's also the possibility of some kind of mental health issue which has been triggered? Before we got together, but when we were friends, now-DH had a nervous breakdown over trauma caused by his unresolved issues around the death of his mum (which happened almost 15 years previously) and it was so bizarre to see the complete change in his personality and behaviour - it was like he was a different person, and from an outside perspective it happened overnight.

Whatever has happened, I really hope the two of you are able to get to the bottom of it and find some resolution one way or another.

I would ask your p for a copy of the letter that says his chlamydia test was negative. His gp should have a copy on file.

I smell a rat, a big stinking rat... and it isn't you op

Sorry to say this but he could have cheated on you and picked up the virus which then didn't affect him. Men can sometimes 'carry' it and not be infected hence the Negative test.

It's the only logical answer

Actually it's not. Him lying is the most likely answer....!!