DP has accused me of cheating on him

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

On phone and crying snotty mess so apologies for errors.

DP and I due to get married in 4 weeks. He's been withdrawn and cold to me for a few weeks, since returning from working away over the summer. I thought he was getting depressed, and yesterday asked him if he'd consider going to a GP about it. I'd also noticed that whenever any wedding stuff came up he sort of closed down, so I asked him if everything was okay with us (he was excited and involved in wedding planning before.)

His response was to say he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal.

I have not ever cheated on him. I feel completely bewildered and hurt.

When I sat with my mouth hanging open and asked what the fuck he meant, he launched into a long convoluted list of "evidence". I was crying and in shock so I am not sure I have this all right but this is the gist...

1. I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

1. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

1. I have a gmail email, and unbeknownst to me (or him) a full stop in your gmail address doesn't matter so you can send with or without. Once I sent him an email without the full stop in...so he thinks I have a "secret second account" for, I don't know, organising secret shagathons.

The gmail thing is batshit and easily explained so he gets that. The chlamydia thing I cannot explain. I KNOW I have been faithful. I can only think mine was a false positive? Or his a false negative?

This is completely and utterly out of character. I thought we were in love and happy, bar the last few weeks of coldness from him. I am on a train to my sister, devastated and confused.

Why did he propose marriage to a woman he thought had cheated on him? I'm wondering if the proposal was a grand gesture to cover his cheating.

You poor thing. Yes, he's projecting I think

A Medi-MNetter can confirm, but I thought chlamydia can lay dormant in your system for years? So either of you may have been infected years and years ago, so it is not neccessarily a sign of a recent exposure.

That's herpes simplex, a virus, chlamydia is a form of bacteria. You can have it without symptoms, but if it's there, it's there, it doesn't lay dormant.

OP, if you can I wouldn't fixate on looking too much into the ins and outs of chlamydia and testing. Once you find your anger you'll realise this is an appalling stick he has used to beat you with

This is a bit random, but I've had STI tests in the past and have never received any sort of written confirmation of negative results. I don't think people do necessarily get something showing they are in the clear, or that it would be weird not to have this to show a partner.

I have no idea what's going through your DP's mind, but how he's behaving sounds extremely distressing for you and I have every sympathy for you. Clearly something is very wrong, even if it's not what he's saying. Whether it's pre-wedding jitters on his part, or paranoia, or a weird 'reverse' cover-up of something else going on at his end, you will need to tackle it somehow if you want to save the relationship. Would you consider relationship counselling?

Dear god, almost the exact same thing happened to me, in the run up to our wedding. Nearly called it off.

Yes chlamydia tests can come back as false positives and the tests can fail too. It happened to me.

My story: A couple of months before getting married, had pelvic pain which was due to endometriosis but GP did a chlamydia screen too. She reported that it had come back +ve. My gynae then told me that I was likely infertile as a result of both.

DH and I had both done a STI screen early in our relationship and both had come back clear. When I got my +ve result I knew I hadn't cheated so started to distrust him. He didn't realise what had happened at first, and then realised I didn't trust him so was (or appeared to be) devastated. I went back to GP, who bloody confirmed the result (from her computer screen), and told me he'd cheated and that's what men did...

I then had to phone all my exes (not knowing when I picked this up), which was fun. Meanwhile our relationship was breaking down and we were looking at calling off the wedding.

Thankfully, being a scientist, and with this much doubt arising, I didn't take the antibiotics the GP prescribed and instead we both went to the STI clinic at the hospital for testing. Both came back entirely clear. When I questioned this the nurse went into my medical records and showed us that the result the GP had seen was basically 'failed test' - so they couldn't tell. What the GP should have done was do a re-test. She must have seen she'd made an error but thought she'd save her own skin by covering it up.

A very stiff formal complaint went to the GP surgery and they admitted it all. I should have sued.

So yes, mistakes in reading/reporting can be made, and you can also have false positives, as well as false negatives. Worth asking to see the actual results/notes.

I can understand where your DP is coming from. OTOH my DH hadn't shown any signs of strange behaviour. Full disclosure is the only possibility. You need to see his medical notes (obviously he has to agree to this). It's presumably too late for a retest, as you've taken the antibiotics now so wouldn't show infection anyway?

So there are some suspicious aspects of your DP's part in this, but tread carefully because it can all be a dreadful mistake e.g:

• You were +ve but got a false -ve on a previous test.
• You were -ve but got a false +ve on your most recent test
• The test itself failed and the GP didn't report it properly.

Good luck!

If he is just nervous about the wedding then this is a shit way to say so. Why not just have a talk about being ready or not? Why do this? What a bastard.

Or he has cheated and is too gutless to admit it. Twice.

Either way you're better off without him.

My ex did this to me.
I went for a smear, discovered I had genital warts and he said I had either cheated or come into the relationship with them and given them to him- I was 19, first relationship and believed him. It transpired he was a serial cheat and I was bloody lucky to only come out with the one STI. I actually only worked out the truth twenty years after I had left him. Bastard.
But this is what men do.
For what it's worth, I think he has either cheated or while he has been away he has behaved in the manner of a single man and is now having serious doubts aboutbthe wedding. I'm sending you so much good wishes and hugs. You sound like a strong woman, you will get through this, it's just so bloody hard right now.
You have a great lot of support so make sure you lean on them, that's what they are there for. You have a career, and by God, you have your pride. YOU KNOW you haven't cheated so hold your head up high and don't let him bully you or project any guilt he has onto you. The saving grace from this is that you are not married and you haven't got any kids. This man isn't the man for you. Something has happened, something he can't cope with so he is trying to blame you. Don't let him will you?

For some reason him being away has made him think twice about getting married.

I don't believe his test was negative either but believe he likely had cheated and knew it was easier saying he was negative so the blame was on you and you wouldn't put two and two together.

Chlamydia can lie dormant I believe, so entirely possible you had it from a previously relationship.

Regardless, if he had an issue with this then why propose? Why allow to plan a wedding?

I'm afraid to say that I have the same suspicions of others who have replied. He's either got cold feet or he's cheated whilst working away and is projecting his guilt onto you.

If either of those two, it's absolutely shit that he's making his issues yours.

I'm struggling to believe that he's suddenly just decided you've cheated after knowing about the STI etc for so long.

I'd be doing some serious soul searching here OP. Massive hugs, you must feel like your world has been turned on its head. The run up to your wedding should be such a special time

It is not unknown for someone to get chlamydia, get treated and not tell DP, and hope they don't get it, then deflect.

Happened to a friend in a 20 year marriage - STI clinic said it was probably an old infection resurfaced (he was her only partner). I don't think it hangs around that long . When their marriage broke down a few years later, it was obvious he had never been faithful

If he hasn't cheated, he does not look like a person who wants to get married, and he isn't being honest about it and is making it hard for you. You deserve better

Thank you, you are all amazing and have made me feel less alone on this bleak journey.

Train is just pulling into London and my lovely Mum has booked an Addison Lee to take me straight to sister's door. She's at work but Mum and lovely BiL are there (and two gorgeous babies.)

I keep checking to see if he's messaged me and he hasn't. This is so painful and I am scared of all the pain I know is coming, but I know you are all right that the timing is actually better than it feels.

I'm soooo soooo sorry love. I can't imagine. What an awful, awful thing. :(

I must say I agree with everyone here. Bastard cheated whilst away, and may well have been cheating and passing around STIs even years ago. There is simply no other reason for this, and it's been my experience that every single time a partner starts throwing out cheating accusations like this, it's been because they were cheating and trying to deflect and/or get me to do the leaving.

I also agree with what @differentlife said, with all my heart:
Stop blaming yourself. This all on him.
He is trying to make it all your fault, pass the shame and blame onto you.

Tell him that YOU are calling the wedding off, as a result of HIS cheating.
Tell him that you know EVERYTHING. Repeat. Repeat again.

Then refuse to discuss this any further.
Move out, get yourself another STI check.
Hold your head up high, and stick firmly to your belief.

I'm so very sorry. It's really horrible. But you're better off without him. He's horrible and you don't deserve this.

Your mum sounds ace, OP.

You'll be surrounded by love, maybe get yourself a nice takeaway in and be with your family

I have been engaged to this lovely girl who loves me to bits. I was away on a course this summer and had a fling with this other girl. I can't bring myself to admit to this as it would hurt my girlfriend too much. I have been in a terrible mood since I came back, and I am trying to get my girlfriend to confess to being unfaithful a few years ago (I had slight suspicions, but nothing much and we never discussed it) so that I can confess to her and then I won't be the bad guy. After that, we can continue or break up - I haven't really decided what I want to do yet, but I can't have her getting the moral upper hand, obviously.

WHOA!

Pump the brakes pp, not everyone with a penis is a lying manipulating cheat.

I agree with @SonicBoomBoom and @TsunamiOfShit the most logical explanation is that your dp took antibiotics that cleared the infection. And if that is the case he just as easily could have given it to you as vice versa.

I don't work in sexual health or know your or your dp medical or sexual history, i.e. has he ever had chlamydia symptoms?

But if you have both been 100% faithful then this link below might help but remember the list of antibiotics at nice is not exhaustive. Your GP and other health professionals irl will be more helpful.

https://cks.nice.org.uk/chlamydia-uncomplicated-genital#!scenario

A lot of the antibiotics effective for treatment of Chlamydia are commonly prescribed for other things.

One more thing is that Chlamydia is not necessarily a systemic infection so for example you could have been infected anally and not have noticed symptoms until it was spread to your vagina.

There are many explanations unfortunately the most obvious one is infidelity and if the trust is gone from your relationship it might unfortunately be the end even if you both are innocent.

I honestly think the chlamydia is a red herring here. The OP knows she hasn't cheated, but her DP is insisting that she did. We don't know why. he may be paranoid and jealous. He may be projecting. He might have serious anxiety about the wedding, and be casting around for any excuse to end things. He may be having some kind of breakdown.

In many ways, it doesn't really matter. The fact is, he's sat down and straight-up accused her of cheating on made up evidence. Whatever the reason, there is a major breakdown of trust and care in this relationship, that is leading to an incredibly unjust, unfair, and cruel course of action.

If he hasn't cheated, it might be that the situation can be worked through - maybe he gets treatment for the paranoia, the anxiety, the breakdown. But working through the aftermath is going to be hard. To be honest, as someone who has had to get through something similar (different, less cruel situation, but cancelled wedding) I would honestly say it's probably too hard to be worth it. I think what is really unforgiveable is the cruelty of his behaviour, not only in the accusations he has made, but in the fact that the OP will have to cancel the wedding and go through this in front of friends and family (again, having done that, I can't tell you how much more awful the publicity makes everything).

Ok. Not ALL men only most

I don't work in sexual health

Clearly.

From what you've said, I'd be amazed if he hadn't cheated because there is no other reason for such a drastic change of character. If he'd got cold feet about marriage he would be discussing it openly with you.

It's much easier to cancel a wedding than to get divorced from a lying, cheating, gaslighting scumbag. I think in a few months time you will realise that you've had a lucky escape.

Oh op. You poor thing. I fear the others are right. Be kind to yourself.

It's a really minor point, but I've never had a letter or anything confirming a negative test result of an STI screening. For a lot of clinics, it's a no news is good news scenario and they only contact you if there's something to report. Or another one I went to just texted you. So I'd never have any "proof" of a negative test result to show anyone if they wanted to see it, unless I'd saved the text in my phone for all eternity.

guilty100 you're right. It's the cruelty that's unbearable.

Before this I would have said he was the kindest man I had ever met.

He's cheated on you. And he doesn't want to marry you.
Sorry.
Consider this a lucky escape. As prizes go, he is indeed the wooden spoon.