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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I told (D)H last night that nothing in life depresses me as much as him.

82 replies

SickToDeathOfHim · 05/04/2007 10:41

and all he could say was "cheers"

I'm 33 years old, have 4 kids and the way I feel at the moment I'd be alot happier without him.

I'm sick to fucking death of him.

(name change just incase anyone searches my usual name....regulars will probably know who I am but please dont say)

OP posts:
ScoobyDooooo · 05/04/2007 10:43

I think i know who you are & i am very sorry you feel like this, is this something that has been building up over time or is it just sudden?

Have a ((hug))

Original poster
SickToDeathOfHim · 05/04/2007 10:46

it's absolutley fucking constant.

I can't even look at him without wanting to kill him ATM.

thanskfull he's gone out today, otherwise I think I would ahve packed a bag and gone.

OP posts:
kittypants · 05/04/2007 10:48

i often fel like that!dont know who you are or background history but is this something youve been feeling for a while?a couple of weeks ago i told my dh to go to his mums to live,he ignored me,weve talking when we need to.

ScoobyDooooo · 05/04/2007 10:51

Do you have anywhere or even him if easier to go away for a couple of nights fr a break from each other?

Do you think you can get through this ?

Original poster
SickToDeathOfHim · 05/04/2007 10:53

I was trying to think of things taht I nag him abaout the otehr day and I honestly could not think of one single thing.

Not one.

He on the other hand nags about everything. He does this stompping around huffing and puffing at everything.

It drives me insane.

I mentioned to him that I couldn't think of anything I nag about and he sadi That because there isn't anything"

Ohh yes, because you're so fucking perfect.

Twat.

OP posts:
Original poster
SickToDeathOfHim · 05/04/2007 10:55

I'm not sure if theres any point scooby, because within a few day/week she'll be exactly the same.

I haven't got the energy to to bother either.

OP posts:
ScoobyDooooo · 05/04/2007 10:57

Have you thought about marriage councilling?

Original poster
SickToDeathOfHim · 05/04/2007 10:59

thought about lots.

whether I can be asked is another question.

whether he'd ever admit he makes my life a misery is another question still.

OP posts:
ScoobyDooooo · 05/04/2007 11:01

But maybe you could talk about all these problems with a counceller at least then he may accept that there is a problem on his side is well instead of thinking he is perfect?

It may also help that there is someone else neutral in the room helping you talk through what is going on & how you can turn things around?

kittypants · 05/04/2007 11:02

has something in particular happened or just fallen out of love and annoying each other?im slow and havent worked out who you are

FioFio · 05/04/2007 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
SickToDeathOfHim · 05/04/2007 11:07

when he isn't annoying me we do talk but within a few days its the same. I feel like I bend over backwards to stop him ranting whereas he doesn't give ashit.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 05/04/2007 11:10

is your youngest quite young?

have you always had problems because it sounds very much like the sort of rut you can get into when you are stuck at home with the kids and are knackered and start getting fed up with each other and resentful.

Definitely sounds like you could do with a break.

Original poster
SickToDeathOfHim · 05/04/2007 11:12

yes, youngest is 11 weeks.

In his mind I do fuck all, all day.

I only bloody wish that was the case.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 05/04/2007 11:15

there's nothing worse than a lack of respect for what you are doing

crikey, these things get out of hand so easily don't they .

Can you book a weekend away, on your own (i.e. without the kids and him and with a mate, or by yourself)?

Not only might this give him some idea of what it is like being at home with them all the time, it will give you the head space you need to gather your thoughts.

puddle · 05/04/2007 11:15

What does he expect you to do all day?

Is he huffing and puffing about the domestic stuff not being done? Does he work? How much does he do to help?

Do you think you're depressed? Or just tired with a small baby nd three other children (totally understandable).

yomellamoHelly · 05/04/2007 11:20

The thing is that what you said isn't at all constructive so how could you expect another kind of response?
I think you need to define what you want / need to change and sit down with him and talk it through.
On the plus side at least he now knows you're not happy with the situation.

mylittlestar · 05/04/2007 11:25

How do you think he'd react if you said you wanted him to pack his bags and leave because you've had enough?

It doesn't sound like you're getting anything at all back from this relationship that's positive. Obviously something needs to drastically change.

Sometimes I think the suggestion of Relate is a great start, but just won't work if you both aren't in the right frame of mind.

Do you even want to try and work things out?

How would you feel if he came home tonight and said he was leaving you?

Original poster
SickToDeathOfHim · 05/04/2007 11:27

ATM our conservatory is FULL of his stuff. DIY stuff, a new bathroom suit, pots of paint, power tools...honestly its' everywher outthere.

He's not using it all everyday. He works shifts so is only using it every once in while.

All the kids toys are out there too. can they get to them because of his stuff?

No.

have I maoned about it once...one single time??

NO.

But If I leave a peice of paper, or a magazine or god forbid a few crumbs on the side he'll stomp around picking things up and throwing the around.

he has no clue where half the things in the kitchen go, and haeven help us all if he puts and washing away (which he very rarely does). Nones of te kids have te right clothes in their cupbaords.

FFS...I 'm like a slave.

OP posts:
Original poster
SickToDeathOfHim · 05/04/2007 11:37

I don't want to leave and I don't want him to leave BUT the way he goes on makes me feel like thats the only option to stay sane.

I honestly not sure how I feel about him ATM..

I'm sure I do love him...but where that love is ATM I don't know.

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 05/04/2007 11:45

Perhaps the talking/counselling is your best option then.

Or could you write down exactly how you feel? How would he take that? It couldn't turn into an argument if he has to sit quietly and read things in black and white.

I think you'd know deep down if it was over and you didn't love him enough to want to try anymore. The fact you're on here asking for support shows you care enough to try and fix it!

Can you book a meal for you both and get out for a good talk? (in a public place where you can't shout!) Or too difficult with 4 lo's?

It's great that you don't nag, eg about the conservatory. But from your post it's obviously really bothering you. So bottling up how you feel won't help in the long run - you'll end up exploding! It'll all have to come out and be said one way or another so it may be best to try and be up front and honest from this point on..?

Original poster
SickToDeathOfHim · 05/04/2007 11:56

The thing is, although the conservatory is full of his shit I'm not bothered.

If the kids want something I jsut get it for them, or the clamber over it all.

Stuff that bothers him, like a peice of friggin paper left on the side don't even registar on me. He gets all narky at it all and I just potter about tidying stuff gradually....he wants it all done instantly.

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 05/04/2007 12:05

Perhaps he needs individual counselling first then?

If his behaviour is this unreasonable and he can't actually see it for himself, perhaps he needs to deal with his own issues before he can even think about dealing with the relationship?

Would he go to counselling?

foxinsocks · 05/04/2007 12:07

sounds like he is feeling pretty low too - will he talk to you about how he is feeling?

puddle · 05/04/2007 12:11

I would imagine you're both tired and not getting a lot of sleep. IME three months in is where you really hit a wall with a new baby.

Can you not talk to him about how much pressure his behaviour is putting on you? And try and work out how to help each other get through the next three or four months.

Does he help out at home? It sounds as though you are quite critical when he does do his bit (your remarks about the washing and the dishwasher)