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Original poster

DP planning to propose, how do I let him down gently?

134 replies

barkinginessex · 16/09/2017 12:01

We are off to Paris next weekend and I've just found a diamond engaging ring.
We've been together 8 years but I don't want to marry him. He's not the right man for me.
How do I let him down gently? I feel sick at the thought of saying no and hurting him but deep down I know that saying yes would be wrong Sad

OP posts:
dancemom · 16/09/2017 12:03

Do you want to split up with him? Or just not marry him?

GardenGeek · 16/09/2017 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 16/09/2017 12:05

He obviously thinks you are the one for him (or that after 8 yrs it's what you want).

He's giving you the opportunity to sort out what you do want. And if it's not him then let him find someone whom does.

Don't say yes to save him feelings or to avoid that difficult discussion.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 16/09/2017 12:05

Eh well end it before Paris. So the poor guy can stop wasting his time and find someone who does want to marry him.

Shiftymake · 16/09/2017 12:06

Why are you with him? Let him go so he can find the right woman for him instead of wasting his time. If you not that into a person, please move on.

Original poster
barkinginessex · 16/09/2017 12:06

We had a blip about 5 years in when he cheated on me with a married colleague. I've never really gotten over it and the trust isn't there.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/09/2017 12:06

You need to finish with him immediately, without going away with him.

Was it that once you saw the ring you realised you didn't want to marry him or have you felt like this all along?

GriefLeavesItsMark · 16/09/2017 12:06

Bizarre

SilverForest · 16/09/2017 12:07

Don't waste another day of his life and let him go and find the person who he is the right man for.

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2017 12:07

Leave him.

MorningCuppa · 16/09/2017 12:09

So why are you with him and why are you bothering to go to Paris with him?
Strange

Viviennemary · 16/09/2017 12:09

I agree you need to finish this without the proposal even happening. It would be quite cruel to go ahead with the trip and refuse his proposal. You should really have made it clear a long time ago that you don't see a future with him and not leave it eight years. But his behaviour hasn't exactly been exemplary

Tiddlywinks63 · 16/09/2017 12:09

Poor bloke, you've been stringing him along for years.
Do him a favour and end it now before he wastes anymore time, money and effort on you.

GardenGeek · 16/09/2017 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NapQueen · 16/09/2017 12:11

You need to separate.

MaisieDotes · 16/09/2017 12:11

Don't go to Paris and break up with him today.

FiveShelties · 16/09/2017 12:12

How have you got through five years not trusting him? You really need to finish this before you go to Paris.

PlausibleSuit · 16/09/2017 12:13

I don't think, after almost a decade, there is a way of letting him down gently. If you don't want to marry him, you'll have to settle for letting him down harshly.

If you go ahead and marry him, despite not wanting to, you'll be letting him down without him knowing, which is worse.

But don't let him take you to Paris and then say no. That would be too harsh. You'll feel awful about it forever more if you do that. Grab the bull by the horns and find a way to break it off sooner.

skyzumarubble · 16/09/2017 12:13

I don't understand why you're with him.

HerOtherHalf · 16/09/2017 12:13

Just say no. Given that he cheated on you, and that is the fundamental reason why you don't want to commit to him, I don't think you should worry about letting him down gently. Explain the reason to him and then have a good hard think about ending the relationship. You've tried to forgive him and move on. It isn't working and that's his fault for having the affair, not yours for being unable to forgive. You're just wasting your time and his staying in this broken relationship.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/09/2017 12:14

I don't think "poor bloke" - he should know that once you cheat, you cannot be trusted again.

category12 · 16/09/2017 12:14

Well now that you know you don't want to marry him and he's not right for you, perhaps it's time to call it a day. You can't stay with him just to avoid hurting his feelings: you're stopping both of you from moving on and finding happiness apart.

Tell him you found the ring and it made you realise a few things, and that you need to break up.

MarthaArthur · 16/09/2017 12:14

Please dont string him along anymore. Either you forgave him and moved on 5 years ago or you have been holding this over his head for years. End it before paris thats just not fair. I had what i thought was a good relationship for 4 years until he left me for someone else and said he didnt see us as an actual couple. Moral of the story is end it before you string someone along for years with no intention of staying with them.

Apileofballyhoo · 16/09/2017 12:16

Just tell the truth, you thought you were over the cheating but for you it has never really been the same and seeing the engagement ring has clarified for you that you don't want to stay in the relationship for the rest of your life. Maybe you could apologise for drifting along if you feel a need to.

stitchglitched · 16/09/2017 12:18

I think OP said the affair was 5 years in, so 3 years ago. Does he think you have forgiven him and everything is great now? Or has he just swept it all under the carpet? Either way just tell him that you have tried but can't move on from his betrayal, and end things. Don't go to Paris with him!