Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP planning to propose, how do I let him down gently?

134 replies

barkinginessex · 16/09/2017 12:01

We are off to Paris next weekend and I've just found a diamond engaging ring.
We've been together 8 years but I don't want to marry him. He's not the right man for me.
How do I let him down gently? I feel sick at the thought of saying no and hurting him but deep down I know that saying yes would be wrong Sad

OP posts:
bear28 · 16/09/2017 13:12

I agree with the others. End it now. You either end it no now before Paris or end it in Paris when he is elated and scared/excited about asking you to marry him and you say no. No point beating about the bush.

Miserylovescompany2 · 16/09/2017 13:13

It sounds like he's just there to fill a space until Mr Right comes along - he can't undue his cheating, if you've tried and failed at the forgiveness route then it's time to lay all your cards on the table...

Time to let go Flowers

SendintheArdwolves · 16/09/2017 13:13

Barking hasn't asked "should i go through with it?" but "How do I let him down gently?"

Barking there is no way of ending a relationship without causing pain, but you can be decent about it.

Be direct and clear - "I'm sorry but I don't see this relationship going any further. We both deserve to be happier than this, and I think it's best that we end it now".
Don't bargain - remember, you don't need him to agree with you that the relationship is over.
Answer any questions honestly - he will prob ask what makes you say this. You can tell him you found the ring and it made you think about spending the rest of your lives together and that this isn't what you want.
Be sensitive about practical stuff, like who moves out, rent, etc. Be gracious as far as you can (without being a doormat or damaging your finances long-term). For example, if he demands the return of gifts then he is being petty and spiteful, but hand them over to avoid a fight. He may insist on using the tickets to Paris anyway - tell him he is welcome to take a friend and let the money go.

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2017 13:13

We were telling you years ago to leave this man and he's got worse and worse - financially, in terms of him groping you and making you feel like a piece of meat, cheating, texting the OW, ignoring his own son, going to Thailand with dodgy mates... the list goes on and on.

Blimey! Sod whether it hurts him or not! Get rid! (and reading the above, are you sure the ring is for you?) He sounds foul.

abigailgabble · 16/09/2017 13:13

errrrr I would be a lot more hurt to find out you'd let 5 years of my life piss off knowing our relationship wasn't going anywhere Hmm tell the man. why on earth haven't you already?

NotAgainYoda · 16/09/2017 13:16

Send
I think the OP will appreciate your practical suggestions

TallulahBetty · 16/09/2017 13:22

Wow. Just wow. Some horrible comments here. OP has obviously been ok until now, and the discovery of a ring has prompted her to realise how she truly feels. She's not been stringing him along ffs. AND she hasn't said she wants to continue, she has asked HOW to let him down gently. All of which is totally understandable! Good luck OP

alltouchedout · 16/09/2017 13:24

After 8 years if he isn't the man for you, end the relationship. Being honest and direct is probably kindest- I don't think you can avoid hurting his feelings, but at the same time hurting someone's feelings is not a crime and you have every right not to want to be with someone.

expatinscotland · 16/09/2017 13:25

DTMFA. Seriously, stop wasting your life.

MrsJorahMormont · 16/09/2017 13:29

Is he definitely not the right man for you? I'm asking because it's been 3 years since the unforgiveable breach of trust 'blip' and you've been together all that time. Why have you stayed with him? Was it convenience / fear / pragmatism or was it that you do love him and think there might be a future if you can get past his infidelity?

If it's the former, it's time to take the plunge and say goodbye. But if you do love him, maybe it's time to have the difficult conversations about infidelity and anger. That way he'll know what's at stake and do whatever is needed to make things right.

AgathaF · 16/09/2017 13:29

Why are you still with him?

RainyApril · 16/09/2017 13:31

If you don't see any future with him at all then, as everyone else has said, you need to end it.

If you just aren't ready to make a definite decision, or need to get your ducks in a row or whatever, just talk at length about the outdated institution of marriage and how you'll never ever get married; should make him reconsider.

WeAreEternal · 16/09/2017 13:32

If you don't want to have a proper conversation with him then I would suggest dropping into conversation about how a work colleague has just gotten engaged and all she wants to talk about is being engaged and planning her wedding and how much you can't stand it, how you don't think you'd ever want to get married as you think the whole thing is an utter waste of time and money, that you think it's completely unnecessary in this day and age and you just don't believe in any of it.

demirose87 · 16/09/2017 13:32

You need to end it with him as soon as possible. No point staying with him that amount of time, but not marrying if he's not the man for you is there?

ptumbi · 16/09/2017 13:35

OP - you haven't left him in the 3 years since his affair; I suppose you are just 'rolling along', nothing good or bad (enough) to change anything.

BUT - how long would you have just trundled on? Another 5 years? 10?

End it now - you can tell him you found the ring, and you are not ready to marry. And you think you should split.

job done.

BewareOfDragons · 16/09/2017 13:36

Sit him down and tell him you found the ring. Tell him that when you found it, it just hit you that you couldn't do it, that you couldn't get past what has happened in your marriage, and you don't think you're going to be forever, which married couples should be. Tell him you're sorry, but it wasn't until the ring that you fully realized that your relationship isn't working for you and that you need to go your separate ways.

You do have to tell him.

And you do have to end it.

You're wasting his time if you don't.

KitKat1985 · 16/09/2017 13:37

I'm a bit confused. So he had an affair several years ago but even though you don't trust him you've stayed with him all of this time. Why stay with him then? Fear of being alone? Pity? Or do you actually still love him and are just still hurting from it? If you hadn't seen the ring would you even be considering breaking up? Are you totally sure you don't want to marry him and you haven't just got cold feet and panic now you've seen the ring?

Anecdoche · 16/09/2017 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SonicBoomBoom · 16/09/2017 13:42

I think you've definitely given it long enough to see if the relationship can be repaired. It can't be. He's ruined it.

The ring has made you realise this, so you need to finish it.

I wouldn't be too worried about hurting him, he wasn't worried about hurting you. Just do it and move on. You'll be much happier in the long run.

SandyDenny · 16/09/2017 13:49

There is a lot of personal information in your posts, this is exactly the type of thread the tabloids will be all over. Please be prepared for that as well as whatever you decide to do

PollyPerky · 16/09/2017 13:57

Goodness what a load of bitchy comments. MNetters certainly don't soften the blows, do they?

I think it's quite understandable to be 3 yrs on from an affair and be unsure of what you want. Presumably OP you thought you were rebuilding something but now, faced with some permanency, you find you don't want that after all.

I don't know your back story but some posters have said you have a son- with this man? So maybe you have stuck it out for your child and hoped it would turn out ok in the end.

Millions of couples carry on with relationships that are ok-ish - but not great - I expect most marriages are like this! Then something happens and they reassess. This is what the Ring has done for you.

There is no kind way to get out but if a lot of the blame lies with him and his behaviour, you just have to sit him down and spit it out.

Do you share a house and mortgage? Do you need work on the financials first?

Look after yourself Flowers

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2017 14:01

Apparently this is the backstory:

We were telling you years ago to leave this man and he's got worse and worse - financially, in terms of him groping you and making you feel like a piece of meat, cheating, texting the OW, ignoring his own son, going to Thailand with dodgy mates... the list goes on and on.

Anecdoche · 16/09/2017 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnMyShoulders · 16/09/2017 14:08

Life is short OP. Stop wasting yours with someone who makes you unhappy. Be brave and break free.

IskraTG · 16/09/2017 14:09

I guess stringing him along for five years, depriving him of the chance to have a new, successful relationship and possibly children is punishment enough for his affair.

Only, now you seem like the bad guy. You should have just ended it, rather than waste his time. And what did you get out of wasting your own?

Swipe left for the next trending thread