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Original poster

DP planning to propose, how do I let him down gently?

134 replies

barkinginessex · 16/09/2017 12:01

We are off to Paris next weekend and I've just found a diamond engaging ring.
We've been together 8 years but I don't want to marry him. He's not the right man for me.
How do I let him down gently? I feel sick at the thought of saying no and hurting him but deep down I know that saying yes would be wrong Sad

OP posts:
ToEarlyForDecorations · 16/09/2017 14:10

Sorry this is harsh and blunt, but why on earth have you stayed with him for 8 years is hes 'not the right man for you'.
Very selfish

Whoa !! Judgy much ?

Believeitornot · 16/09/2017 14:13

A blip! Bit more than a blip....

Do the right thing for you both and end it.

Wdigin2this · 16/09/2017 14:13

Poor guy, after 8 years together, it's not unreasonable to think you want marriage. You need to sort out in your mind exactly what you do want, it's not fair to stay with him, if he's not Mr Right.
Let him know, in advance of Paris, that you've no intention of marrying him, it's the right thing to do!

AccrualIntentions · 16/09/2017 14:13

End it before Paris. Don't put him through asking and being rejected, and don't put yourself through having to turn down the proposal. There is no way to let someone down gently after 8 years, the best you can aim for is a civil and grown up separation where you both treat each other with honesty and respect. Regardless of whether he cheated on you 5 years ago.

Cambionome · 16/09/2017 14:13

Having read your previous threads I'm not surprised you don't want to marry him!

Be strong though, and move on; staying with someone you don't love is not a life. Flowers

Bloomed · 16/09/2017 14:15

Given your history I'd let him go through with the proposal and use that as a chance to tell him exactly why not.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/09/2017 14:18

I'm going to swim against the tide for just a few yards.

Finding the ring has been a shock. Before you say anything to him, give yourself a bit of breathing space. I know affairs = LTB (I would have LTB myself), but you stayed. Maybe there was a good reason you stayed, maybe not. So, before you run screaming, take 24 hours to really think it through. Decide whether this is the wake up call that says "I don't love him and should have left long ago" or if it's simply a fearful "I don't know if marriage is right for me".

If, on calm reflection, you realize that you don't love him and see no future with him, then yes, you need to break it off with him before next weekend.

ALittleMop · 16/09/2017 14:19

I think you are being harsh on the OP
"Poor bloke" cheated on her 3 (not 5) years ago
She's given it her best shot to get over it.

I think it often takes something like a proposal or another major commitment to make you appraise your feelings truthfully. though I think its odd if you've not been discussing your long term plans together after this length of time. I don't know, if it came down to it, that I would marry a man who had been unfaithful. But I might be happy enough in that relationship until the prospect of marriage was on the cards.

Just say no OP. He may end it himself if you do.

NotAgainYoda · 16/09/2017 14:20

Across/Iskra

It's not just the affair

She's complained about other behaviour (others on this thread have detailed it)

Char22thom · 16/09/2017 14:23

If you don't want to spend your life with him, move on, break free and you can both get on with living your lives. Life is too short to spend it wasting time in a relationship that doesn't deliver what either of you want

GiantSteps · 16/09/2017 14:28

Given that he cheated on you, and that is the fundamental reason why you don't want to commit to him, I don't think you should worry about letting him down gently. Explain the reason to him and then have a good hard think about ending the relationship

This.

I can't judge you harshly, OP , because of his infidelity.

I imagine it's been easy enough to stay in the relationship day by day, but obviously the thought of "forever" has brought up his cheating all over again. And made you realise how deeply he broke your trust.

Clearly five years ago he didn't think the relationship was worth much to him.

So I don't judge you.
I'm
But I think you have to break up with him before you go to Paris.

TheNaze73 · 16/09/2017 14:58

You owe him nothing OP.

Just say no

beekeeper17 · 16/09/2017 15:05

Yes he cheated on you and that was of course wrong, but what you're doing to this guy now is nearly worse. You're not giving him a chance to find someone who would care for him more than you and as the months and years go on you are denying him a chance of settling down and perhaps having a family with someone if that's what he wants.

I've seen this happen to friends of mine, 5 or 6 years into relationships they figure out that their boyfriends don't want to settle down and have a family with them, and by that time they're in their late thirties and the consequences are immense.

Please do the right thing, split up with him, don't go to Paris, move on and let him move on too.

WillowWeeping · 16/09/2017 15:10

FSS the OP is not responsible for ensuring the happiness of ger partner.

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2017 15:11

She's complained about other behaviour (others on this thread have detailed it)

But most don't read the OP's posts, let alone the thread...

Shakey15000 · 16/09/2017 15:14

Think of the practicalities and awkwardness of turning him down in Paris. I agree, end it before. Good luck

amixedblessing · 16/09/2017 15:18

Are you a Daily Mail reporter looking for a story?
I can see the headline- 'Woman asks other Mumsnetters what to do as her partner of 8 years is about to propose and she doesn't see him as husband material'
Rather long headline thoughSmile

stitchglitched · 16/09/2017 15:29

Why would the OP be a reporter? She has a long and consistent posting history.

AccrualIntentions · 16/09/2017 15:35

FSS the OP is not responsible for ensuring the happiness of ger partner.

But how is the current situation adding to her happiness? And I can't see how adding a humiliating proposal rejection into things will make her at all happy either. Best for all parties to move on without any bollocks about revenge, by the sounds of it.

WillowWeeping · 16/09/2017 15:48

accrual I would agree it's not.

I read this thread at face value and it appeared that the OP had given things her best shot after he'd cheated.

Responses referring to her stringing along her boyf, preventing him finding someone else or otherwise somehow treating him badly by virtue of fact she doesn't want to be with him seemed pretty shitty

maxthemartian · 16/09/2017 16:06

Polly excellent post.
Everyone has their moment of clarity. And I wish people would RTFT as it's three not five years, which sounds about right in terms of timescales to try and recover from an affair and finally realise that you cannot.

Buxtonstill · 16/09/2017 16:16

It's the kind of story the Daily Fail will publish though; and the OP is very identifiable. Nothing they like more than a witch hunt. I'd ask MN to delete it OP otherwise anyone who knows you will be able to read your entire posting history.

mummwest · 16/09/2017 16:17

I really can't understand how people are coming to the conclusion that she's been stringing him along for years!! She has said now she realises he's not the man for her, not that she's known that for years and just stayed in the relationship.

PinkFluffyFairy · 16/09/2017 18:38

On a less serious note I wonder how the OP found the ring? Snooping?

Was it a great big sparkler Glitterball and did she try it on? Grin

Not helpful I know . Sorry.

Original poster
barkinginessex · 16/09/2017 19:43

Yes I was snooping! Maybe I shouldn't assume it is for me Grin.
Thank you @stitchglitched and to those who have been kind.
This is incredibly hard for me as I'm scared for the future and being without him but most of all, hurting him.
I'm not sure why anyone would think I'm a DM reporter... Confused

OP posts:
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