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Original poster

DP planning to propose, how do I let him down gently?

134 replies

barkinginessex · 16/09/2017 12:01

We are off to Paris next weekend and I've just found a diamond engaging ring.
We've been together 8 years but I don't want to marry him. He's not the right man for me.
How do I let him down gently? I feel sick at the thought of saying no and hurting him but deep down I know that saying yes would be wrong Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 16/09/2017 12:39

He'll get over it and so will you. Better short-term emotional pain now than the alternative.

GabsAlot · 16/09/2017 12:42

please end it before paris

i kn ow somone whose been engaged for 10 years its not fair but he wont end it just strings her along

BoomBoomBoomBoooom · 16/09/2017 12:43

Even if he cheated with you 5 years ago, you've stayed with him a further 3!

If he's not the right man for you then break up with him. Don't go to Paris and wait for him to propose and say no!!!

coddiwomple · 16/09/2017 12:44

have a talk with him TONIGHT to tell him it's not working, you both try but you have to separate.
It's not fair on him, he's wasting opportunities to find the right woman for him. It's not fair on you, you are wasting chance to find a great man you will be happy with. It might sound very difficult to arrange, but once it's done, you will be relieved.

IfYouHappenToSee · 16/09/2017 12:44

Why are you still with him if you don't want to be with him long term?

8 years is an awfully long time to waste with the wrong person. When you realised you couldn't get over the affair (I wouldn't even have tried, tbh), you should have ended it then.

Is this because you believe that you should be in a relationship and he was better than nothing? Or because he's good enough company, you're just not planning on making it permanent? Or what?

Coffeeandcherrypie · 16/09/2017 12:44

Let him go. It was 5 years ago. Stop punishing him and yourself.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 16/09/2017 12:44

Why are you still with him if he's not the man for you, you don't want to build a future with him and don't want a long term relationship with him?

Why haven't you ended it already? Fear of change? Not wanting to have to sort out living alone (possibly drop in standard of living once you are living solo)? Company? It's just easier? Wanting the 'cover' of being in a relationship to stop you having to look for the right man?

The reality is he's not happy with the drifting along situation, or else he wouldnt' be asking. You can't carry on as you are, there's no way to let him down gently that doesn't involve effectively ending your relationship. You might not be ready to end your relationship, but as soon as you tell him 'no', you have to accept he'll probably mentally end your relationship and start moving towards being single.

Don't go to Paris, start getting your life sorted to end your relationship as nicely as possible. It's done. You can't just carry on bobbing along.

DiegoMadonna · 16/09/2017 12:48

You can't stay with somebody for the rest of your life just cos you don't want to hurt them! Breaking up is painful but people do it every day and invariably get over it.

I can't believe you've stayed with somebody for so long that you don't particularly want to be with. What a waste of your life.

NotAgainYoda · 16/09/2017 12:48

Don't go to Paris

This has now reached the crisis point you seem to have been limping towards for several years. I think you need to be honest now and split up with him

I know several people who ( around 7 years in) got married instead of what they should have done - split up - because they felt they had to do something (unconsciously) to fix the problems, and mis-guidedly thought marriage was the thing to do

Branleuse · 16/09/2017 12:48

Are you happy plodding along with him without being married, or are you waiting for some catalyst to split up, such as meeting someone better?

If you know someone is not right for you,and you dont trust them and they have cheated, then what is making you stay?

Theres a saying - "either shit, or get off the pot"

pastafairy · 16/09/2017 12:50

Cancel Paris. Split up and move on. If it's not right now it will never be. Don't waste any more of your youth on this

MrLovebucket · 16/09/2017 12:50

You need to talk to him and end it now OP.

I can understand drifting along in a long-term relationship, hoping it would improve but this has drawn a line under that. You now know for sure that you don't want to marry him or be with him for the rest of your life.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 16/09/2017 12:51

oh and OP, there's no form of words that will make "I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you" won't hurt him. There are ways that will hurt less, like not letting him be down on bended knee in a public place, or telling him, then you both having to share a hotel room for another 24 hours before he can get home and start sorting his life.

Do it this week, get it over and done with, so he can go see his friends/family afterwards, or one of you can go to Paris while the other moves out etc.

OurMiracle1106 · 16/09/2017 12:52

It's likely that neither of you are truly happy. You don't want to marry him and he's probably asking thinking it will make everything better.

Amicably go your seperate ways and find happiness

InvisibleKittenAttack · 16/09/2017 12:53

Actually, do it today, then he can spend tomorrow sorting his head out rather than having to go to work the next morning.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 16/09/2017 12:53

A quick scan of your previous threads shows you've had further suspicions about him and the OW since the affair and that you never have sex (among other things). Not sure you need to be especially gentle.

PinkHeart5913 · 16/09/2017 12:53

You've been with him 8 years and say his not the man for you Confused

You don't need to just let him down gently, you need to end this or you risk wasting the best years of your life with a man that isn't the one for you

Seriously woman up and end this!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/09/2017 12:54

I've just looked at some of your previous threads and don't blame you for not wanting to marry him!

We were telling you years ago to leave this man and he's got worse and worse - financially, in terms of him groping you and making you feel like a piece of meat, cheating, texting the OW, ignoring his own son, going to Thailand with dodgy mates... the list goes on and on.

And now he wants you to marry him? You would be out of your mind to marry him.

NotAgainYoda · 16/09/2017 12:54

Is this about not hurting him or about whatever dependence you have on him/your life as it is?

You need to be brave now

Aderyn17 · 16/09/2017 12:55

OP probably didn't know that it easn't going to work out until she found the ring. That has given her a moment of clarity. Harsh to criticise her for staying when presumably she thought she was recovering from what happened. Sometimes it takes just one moment to make everything look different.

splendidisolation · 16/09/2017 12:55

Errrr..quite cowardly really, to stay so many years with a man you dont trust just because...what? Being alone scares you?

NotAgainYoda · 16/09/2017 12:57

Reading other people's comments it seems you might be the one fearing being hurt. It sounds as if he's left you with little self-confidence to face the future.

You need to confide in someone in RL

SuperStormborn · 16/09/2017 13:01

End it now and save all the humiliation. It'll be much worse to end things in the midst of Paris.

FledglingFTB · 16/09/2017 13:01

Staying in a relationship where you've checked out is just as hurtful OP.

You've found your clarity, do the right thing and in the long run it'll be better for both of you.

Buxtonstill · 16/09/2017 13:09

End it now. You will both feel dreadful if you leave it next week. And be truthful and say you found the ring.